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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sorry - VSM here again.

152 replies

verysadmum · 03/01/2004 17:52

I'm sorry to keep bothering you.

My H hasn't been seen by anyone (that I'm in regular contact with) since nye and I'm actually quite surprised that he hasn't contacted me today about seeing the children.

Do you think I should just give him a quick call/text?? I'm obviously glad not to speak to him atm but I'm a bit worried.

TIA, Me xx

OP posts:
Twinkie · 05/01/2004 08:39

Message withdrawn

Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 11:17

Thanks. I know I should probably hate him for what he's done and how he's been but I don't think I do. If I see people upset I want to help them and comfort them... unfortunately that seems to include AH too. When he was being a complete arse it was easier to see I was doing the right thing. Of course I know I am really but he does seem to have the knack..

I will get definite info about an injuction / order / whatever! but I want that to be a last resort and yes, I need to talk to him (and ss) about access, I hadn't quite expected dd to miss him so much... I will obviously see him at relate tonight (and see whether he agrees anything) and of course social services will be over on Weds and I suspect they'll have an opinion esp since my child's involved too..

Well... I must go an call that solicitors...

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 13:23

Damn. No appts until NEXT Tues... I have made one but I will look elsewhere in the meantime to see if I can get another (first free) one. This is a solicitor a kind MNeter checked out a bit for me.
I have been recommended another but their office is closed - I will try tomorrow...

Let's hope he agrees something in Relate tonight...

OP posts:
motherinferior · 05/01/2004 13:28

VSM, how are you getting home from Relate? You need to have a clear 'I'm going now' strategy, so that he doesn't blag a lift/try to take you home.

Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 13:32

I'll drive myself there and back - there is only one nearby carpark though and it's a dark 5 mins walk away... he'll have his car there too.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 05/01/2004 14:13

Hmmm. You sound worried about that. I know how incredibly difficult this is for you, but is it worth getting someone to meet you afterwards? Or, alternatively, getting a cab to pick you up at the door? Or at the very least phoning Twinkie or someone on a mobile as you are leaving (or perhaps even just having a 'chat' with them as you walk to the car)?

Twinkie · 05/01/2004 14:26

Message withdrawn

motherinferior · 05/01/2004 14:51

thanks T, didn't want to take your name in vain but knew you'd be up for it!

Twinkie · 05/01/2004 14:58

Message withdrawn

Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 22:36

Well I went... and again it was awful I don't think I should go again.

She reflected on the last/first session (with different councillor) and it was horrid listening to her read it back esp using 'domestic violence' quite a few times along with 'safety issues..', I still don't like calling it that. Anyway I wont bore you with the whole evening but AH cried.. a lot (as I did). He said how much he wanted me and the children and how much he missed us. He also said I should have told him how i felt before it blew up in October (so in effect blaming me). Why had I waited until the first(last) relate session. I reminded him though about the smaller incident involving both ds and myself (which left ds scared and a bruise down my arm and on my leg where I fell) and the verbal abuse, horrible phone messages... he said he'd change.

I don't think it did me any favours, it has left me feeling more sad and less sure. What if he CAN change? 11 yrs is a long time to throw away but then again I don't think I can trust him - not with myself and I can't let him 'have another chance' to hurt one of our children.

We have another session for next Monday but I might cancel it if I'm going to feel like this again.

All in all I feel a bit sh*t.

OP posts:
Festivefly · 05/01/2004 22:39

I don't think he can change overnight, if he is to he needs a lot (years) of time alone. So sorry you've had a shit day, your in limbo i suppose

Lisa78 · 05/01/2004 22:41

so sorry VSM - and you aren't throwing 11 years away, you're just not wasting anymore
Besides, in time, the best of those years will be your memories; when all this mess is sorted out, hold on to the good parts from your time together, its not wasted, honestly

Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 22:41

Yep. Feels very much in limbo. I the fact I could have him back here is what's also killing me. I absolutely hate what he did to me and more so what he did to ds and I hate myself for even contemplating having him back here..

Perhaps I do need to take swift action. It was just seeing him so upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 22:43

I could never think it was totally wasted, I have my two gorgeous children but he's their Dad...

OP posts:
Festivefly · 05/01/2004 22:46

You are doing this for him too, he wouldn't change if you took him back, he'd know it wasn't a unforgivable thing. They forget very quickly when everythings comfortable again. Let him deal with the consequences, you'd have to if you behaved violently. Can't he go on his own for a while, you have nothing to prove

Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 22:48

He's still insisting he has nowhere else to go though and besides can't I support him whilst he trying to give up alcohol (he insists it's factor although we have had smaller episodes without it).. I want to help but it's not just about me is it?

OP posts:
Lou33 · 05/01/2004 22:52

I think FF has said it all VSM. Big hugs to you. xx

Festivefly · 05/01/2004 22:54

You can help by letting him go and sorting this out, you can do nothing else. Nobody can change anyone it has to come from within, and as long as your picking up the pieces he will never look inside for the answer

Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 22:56

Thanks Lou (and all actually).

I felt okayish today but now I just feel sad about it all again. What should I do? (apart from opening my 3rd Smirnoff black ice)...

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 22:57

Should I force him out though FF? Surely that will make things worse, wont it?

OP posts:
Festivefly · 05/01/2004 22:58

God knows, ride the storm and come out the other end a wonderfully strong independant women. Its like labour really really painfull and shitty but sooooo worth it at the end

Festivefly · 05/01/2004 23:00

It will make things worse for a while, but its better than a lifetime of crap. Something has to give it can't stay like this.

saintshar · 05/01/2004 23:00

Hi vsm. Just been catching up. DONT feel guilty about him being upset, he should be after all he has done.
I think i have told you about my Mum and Dad before. After MANY years of abuse, my Dad did finally stop hitting my Mum, and hasn't done for about 10 years. But she is so bitter after all that has happened, things will never be 'right.'

Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 23:02

I hope you're right.. From where I'm standing right now I'm going to be a single parent (and a crap one at that) without much family support.. and an arse of an h hassling me.. fab.

OP posts:
Original poster
verysadmum · 05/01/2004 23:04

Hi SS! Maybe I will feel bitter if I stay and maybe waiting for it to blow up again... but I feel bitter now and sad with it.

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