Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

And if you want to avoid messed up people, you probably need to avoid relationships, and aibu, and much of parenting, and the whole of mental health, and most of the quiches, and chat on a bad day and, and, and ....

We are all a tad messed up

I am only a terrible cunt. Which is not so bad.

Maryzed, did you really? Good point tho, re learning the lesson.

"and would like to access the advice without being forced to handle the mocking at the same time. Thats all"

You've been on MN for a while (and I think claimed on the other thread that you were longstanding frequent name changer). So you surely must have known that if you need advice, you don't ask in AIBU? Or if you post there by mistake, you heed the advice to get it moved asap?

An open unmoderated site is not a therapeutic or safe space, and one board known within such a site as robust is doubly not the place.

A tech solution for hiding poster isn't the answer to your question. Learning a bit about the dynamics of a site (any site, not jus this one) before posting something you find sensitive will be far more helpful to you. Finding a different site, a moderated one, is something you should consider.

No walter, I wouldn't hide you.

You seem to think I would misuse the 'hide poster' button to avoid things I didn't want to take on board.

Let me try and explain.

Yesterday, I was focusing on one specific issue, or trying to (helping my friend).

The mocking wasn't helping, and was getting me riled up. At that point, I didn't want to, and didn't feel capable of taking on board what seemed to be personal insults.

I could have hidden those mocking posters at the time (yes all of them, I would have done it). And lets get this straight... just the mocking ones, because I simply couldn't process them emotionally at that time.

I would have gone on to take on board the rest of the constructive advice about what I should actually do regarding my friend.

Later on (me personally), I would have cooled down, calmed down. I would have gone back and unhidden all those posters, and then attempted to read/digest what they had to say.

Thats how I would have used it. Not to avoid completely what they had to say... just put it on hold so to speak.

MaryZ I agree that everyone is 'messed up' to a degree... but a lot of you obviously do find my way of thinking more abhorrent and hurtful than is generally the case.

So when I talk about 'messed up' people, I mean people who think like me, and would basically would never be able to help me gain insight about how to change the way I think to become more like the majority (which believe it or not, is pretty much what I want from Mumsnet, and why I come here).

But tbf (I wasn't on the thread so this is just imo), you didn't do that at all. the mocking only started waaaaaay after it was clear that this was going the way of a hundred aibus and you were drip feeding/ignoring much of the advice.
If all you wanted was the 'what to do' answered, you could have got that from the first 50 posts, hid the thread then come back, as you say you would do with a hide poster option.

scarevola

I really do/did understand the dynamics of Mumsnet, and like I said earlier... its 'kind brutality', bluntness, harshness are the very things I like about it because they are more real (imho), and actually I guess I think you lot are more capable of 'getting' me.

I made a mistake at the time. If I'd sat and thought about it longer, I probably would have realised 'Oh yes, silly me, this is not a good time for AIBU'.

But I get over-emotional (and a bit temporarily blinded), and impulsive... and thats what I did. It was a mistake.

You're not bothered by garlic breath, then Scarah? [hgrin]

SuePurbly

I simply didn't do it as fast as you think I should have.

I did it as fast as I was capable of doing, but I did do it.

It took me longer, perhaps because yes I can be very naive and dense when it comes to certain seemingly obvious social lessons, and also because I was extremely emotionally high-strung at the time, plus distracted with dealing with my real life issues.

I made a mistake, impulsively posting in a place I instinctively and rashly thought would help me without thinking about the potential downside.

I won't do that again... or at least will try my damndest not to.

Yep, I did Sue, it was about teenage suicide, where someone (continually) said that if teenagers wanted to kill themselves they should be allowed to get on with it, and it was probably their parents fault anyway, or something like that.

And a "hide poster" button wouldn't have helped, because I could have hidden him, but not all the replies to him, or the "calm discussion" of something that really mattered to me.

So Halfway, you do need to learn to hide the thread, think about it, and when you feel stronger, come back and read it. That's a much better way.

Why on EARTH didn't you just ask your DH if you and pretty much everyone you know is unsure whether eating bits of people is an Actual Good Thing?

And can't you see now it has been pointed out politely many many times that posting what you did, where you did, with no warning in the title, practically on HALLOWEEN might have skewed the whole thing for most other people?

And please stop describing an uncertainty about cannibalism as 'naive'. It is not naive. It is so far out that it is not surprising people felt as they did.

I didn't mock you, but I did state that eating people is definitely wrong. Which I hope was useful.

I think it would be best to avoid posting in AIBU for now OP.

MN is massively helpful and supportive but posters can be harsh/brutal and even mean. Sometimes intentionally. Sometimes not.

But you simply cannot expect how you feel and operate to effect how strangers post on your threads.

I know you think the hide poster button would help you on here. But you would do better to spend your time concentrating on bettering your mental health (even posting on the MH board) than trying to regulate boards that upset you.

Your friend is not a good person to have in your life if you're trying to get better. Think of AIBU as another bad friend.

ginhagh Oh I absolutely would have asked my DH if he had been around at the time (he was at work on a 13 hour shift).

I didn't know my friend was going to reveal what she did to me that morning. When she did so, I sensed danger, panicked a bit... wasn't sure if I was overreacting or being judgemental/silly, and instantly carried out my default action when I panic ("Quick, get feedback from healthy people")
Where better/faster to get that than Mumsnet? That was my thinking at the time (and yes, I do get thats where I made a first mistake).

And just to make it very clear. I really didn't have anything against the people who were posting that it was bad and wrong (I'm actually very grateful for that advice, and took it on board at the time)... it really is just the mocking I was having trouble with.

I didn't mock you, but I did state that eating people is definitely wrong. Which I hope was useful.

That gave me awful giggles. [hblush]

MaryZ With the greatest of respect, I don't think hiding the whole thread would have helped me at all in that situation.

If I had done that, I would have struggled on my own about what to do with my friend, and could well have ended up giving her extremely damaging advice.

The fact that I was able to still access the thread, for the advice I was capable of processing at the time, may literally have saved her life (I don't know yet what she's going to do, but I made my position clear, and it has certainly made her stop to reconsider).

Oh and ginhagh... oh my god yes I do/did think the Halloween timing was unfortunate.

It didn't occur to me at the time I initially posted at all, and I'm not sure what I could have done even if I had thought of it... posting "Oh I'm sorry its Halloween and all, but this honestly has nothing to do with it", may well have made people even more wrongly suspicious.

I do intend to use warnings in the future... absolutely.

And I describe it as naive, because when I call my thinking 'far out' or anything like that, people seem to think I'm trying to make myself sound cool somehow... which is absolutely not what I'm trying to do.

I use naive because nobody wants to be naive.. and so they can't mistakenly think I'm somehow 'bigging myself up' by trying to be so 'far out' and different... or whatever.

...and could well have ended up giving her extremely damaging advice.

What, like 'Yes, let him eat you? Num!'

This thread is getting as dispiriting as the last.

I'm glad you're feeling better op. Try to remember that it really is just words on a screen. When coming here ends up making you feel like shit for the rest of the day, it's not worth coming here.

And don't post really emotive stuff in AIBU. Ever.

Ivor

I think I actually very easily could have come around to her way of thinking (which is that it was no worse than vampirism, S/M etc. and that as long as it was consensual it was fine).

Yes, I really could have reached that conclusion. I may well have gone on to offer her my support by saying I would try and keep an eye on her as much as possible but to go for it if thats what she wanted to do.

That is where my own stupid/naive/'far out' , 'whatever you want to call it' thinking could have taken me.

I am aware of those sorts of limitations in myself, which is why I panic and seek outside help, and is why I did what I did.

I'm so glad I did because I can see how terrible the outcome could have been otherwise. It could also have been terrible if I had hidden the whole thread and walked away instead of trying to press on despite the pain.

I'm very glad and so grateful it had the outcome it did.

That's way beyond stupid and naive imo.

Scarah

Call it what you will. Its how I am, and how I think.

I don't like it, and I do want to change it.

Ivor

You've made your point about AIBU clear, and I think I've made it clear I've taken it on board (will think much more carefully about where to post in future).

You had all the advice you needed in the first 50 posts.

Long before it got derailed in any way and long before anyone said anything at all rude to you. The start of the thread was extraordinarily restrained considering the subject matter.

In fact, after the first half a dozen posts, even before you posted again, you should have realised that it was an absolutely ridiculous question to ask, that no-one was going to say "it's ok, she might enjoy having bits cut off herself and eaten".

You could have hidden the thread at any stage, thought about it, talked to someone in real life and come back.

MaryZ

I did say already. Just because you think I should have gotten the point quicker, doesn't mean I wasn't trying my hardest (I was).

If you want to think thats because I'm stupider than you, or more stubborn, or whatever... I really don't care. It took me as long as it took me, and I was trying. Please don't tell me when I should have realised the answer that was so obvious to you.

I didn't want to hide the thread because I desperately wanted to understand all the advice... and again, I am not complaining about anything except the mocking. Everything else was fine.

In reality, there isn't someone I could have talked to in real life in time (that isn't equally messed up, and wouldn't equally have reached terrible conclusions).

My friend would never have agreed to let me telephone a helpline for example (too direct and scary for her... she greatly mistrusts the 'outside world', thats her thinking, not mine). I also dislike telephones because I fall to pieces very quickly and easily, and feel embarassed letting people hearing me sob.

The internet feels private and anonymous for me, and I feel safer seeking help here than almost anywhere else (except counsellor/DH, neither of whom were available).

Well I give up then.

If a post makes you cry, makes you feel emotionally vulnerable, makes you feel humiliated and desperate, just ffs hide it.

MaryZ

I would have liked to hide those posts, the mocking ones, and kept the rest of them that I was able to take on board at the time.

If I had hidden the whole thread I would have had no help, would have advised my friend probably very badly.

And she might well be heading to her death by now.