Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

@MaryZcary

zilly, what is your opinion on trolls and sockpuppets, just as a matter of interest? Do they add to the site?

I'd also like to point out that I reported this thread numerous times, and have done since the time of my very first post.

So mnhq's party yesterday must have been a looooooong one [hgrin]

Wish we HAD been partying. I fear we may just have been slightly overwhelmed by the contents of our inbox.

Many apols for the delays.

How would you know there's no sockpuppeting going on zilly?

You only started posting on this thread.

mmmmm, crunchy

Seriously, HelenMumsnet, couldn't you consult one of the many organisations set up to combat bullying about what constitutes cyberbullying?

I have never bullied anyone in my life.

Ooooh I like your butter dish

Seriously zilly.

This is not your site. It's not for YOU to dictate how it is run, if you don't like it bugger off.

You're really coming across as some sort of forum police Zilly.
MN has been going a long, long time, and MNHQ may just know a bit better than you how to run the site, they've got a lot of experience.

I think Nc just to have a go at MNetters is bullying.

I agree name-changing to have a go is bullying.

I also think that auf specifically picking Stratters out to call her names (on the other thread) is bullying too.

However, we are all adults, and should be allowed to get on with posting our opinions and agreeing to disagree. I, by the way, don't think that because two posters (or one with two identities) have one opinion and eleventy million posters have an alternative view, means the eleventy million are bullies.

It could, just possibly, mean that the eleventy million are more representative of humanity and the one (or two) are slightly deluded.

Just my opinion. Feel free to disagree [hsmile].

I am making that this weekend Scarah, my ds's will adore the slabs of chocolate cholesterol laden heaven they will devour within the day!

Cheers chook

You're welcome, it's possibly the most sinful thing I make and it's even better warm out of the oven, with a big dollop of good vanilla ice cream

@Whooooosualsuspect

I think Nc just to have a go at MNetters is bullying.

Yes, it quite likely is (depending on circs) and we'd definitely follow up that sort of thing...

@WereTricksPotter

Would you, Helen?

It's zillyzilly doing the goading nc thing.

Thanks awfully [hsmile]

Don't think zilly has nc'd just for this thread? She's been zilly for a couple of days now.

Sorry, zilly, for talking about your as if you're not here.

I think you need to be very clear about your organisational position on this, HelenMumsnet.

I regularly namechange to avoid my dc being tracked down by maniacs. Since I am a very longstanding and prolific poster, it's a sensible precaution.

Who do you think you are talking to Helen like she's your own personal little minion Zilly.?
She's not your employee.

I dunno, Helen.

Zilly hadn't posted before 11 pm last night, and has only posted on this thread.

But is obviously not a newbie, so I can only presume she name-changed to post here to accuse everyone of bullying. Isn't that a fair assumption?

HelenMumsnet

Thank you for your substantial and considered response to some of the concerns raised here.

I would like to respond to some of yours (obviously just from my personal perspective).

I categorically would not have used the hide poster button to hide those whom I disagreed with... as, as you say, that rather ruins the whole point.

I would have used it to hide the posters that you eventually got around to deleting yourself (not your fault regarding the delay, I know), because they were not helpful in any way, and were simply rolling about laughing at what was for me a very painful issue.

If it happened in a thread about someone helping a rape victim, and people were posting making jokes about rape, everyone would be up in arms.

Everyone would be up in arms because they would 'get' that it was a serious matter and not something to be laughed at, and that laughing at it would be a cruel and vicious thing to do in the context.

I understand that people genuinely didn't 'get' I was serious, and I did report as quickly as I could. I just wish I could have hidden those posters in the meantime until you could have got around to it.

I would have had to see one mocking message from each of them, and then no more (which would have better than being bombarded, from my point of view, with them). I also wouldn't have had to see them again and again every time I went back to review the thread for better insight.

Let me clarify again, by "mocking", *I do not mean disagreement. I mean "haha, isn't this funny, lets make a joke about the whole thing"... right in front of my face on my thread. That really hurt.

I'm not asking for more policing. I'm not asking for censorship. I'm asking for the individual ability to hide posts that really shouldn't have been there in the first place, and cause distress the longer they are left up.

I don't want to have to go elsewhere. I want to stay here because the site is a breath of fresh air in my life. I'm not asking for huge, sweeping changes. I'm asking for a viable small one (in my opinion), that would have seriously helped me, and therefore can feasibly help others like me, and empowers me to stay despite my own weaknesses and flaws.

I really appreciate that you are seriously considering it. I don't ask any more from you.

*ability to hide posters, that should have said. Hiding individual posts would have been less effective.

Once a poster starts laughing at you, and refuses to stop despite pleas. Its unlikely they have anything further of worth to say, and I would like to hide all subsequent posts from them at least from my eyes, until I was in a better place to handle it.

I know people think I should have just hidden the thread. But there was genuine help on there, that I wanted to see and take on board. I didn't want to abandon the whole thing.

Not least of all, because that means the bullies have won.

Sorry Helen, have a lufferly evening.

We will welcome Olivia with open arms and open . She may need it.