Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

Eds, stuff goes on on other internet forums that link to here, including facebook. And one or two of the names are on here.
I am not involved in any of it,but it is going on. And that leads to a certain amount of gossip, probably.
So names get bandied about.
No idea why you were thought of as lesley, only thing I can think if was she did have a MN name that started slightly like yours.
I shouldnt get concerned about it at all.
I always think, MN can sort it all out as to anyones MN validity, if necessary.

waltermittymissus your example is a really good one - of bullying!

If co-workers start making mouse jokes in the vicinity of someone they know was afraid of mice, of course that's bullying even if it's not directed at the worker.

(Unless of course they're friends and everyone's genuinely happy it's just a joke).

I find it hard to get my head around a grown adult having a problem understanding that!

"The phrase for that kind of thinking, I believe, is victim-blaming."

Exactly.

Oh shit I'm still here aren't I?!

Well garlic my circus/clown analogy is not about victim blaming. It's about self-preservation.

If I know I'm terrified of clowns, I'm not going to go work in a circus am I? That's not to say I can't work in every other type of job there is. In fact, it's not to say I CAN'T work in a circus just, for my own sanity and happiness, I'm not going to.

I don't think Mumsnet is full of bullies, because I don't think she WAS bullied. If you're capable of being easily upset, don't post a thread about eating people on AIBU. At Halloween. With no input from your 'friend' who is sat beside you. And with very little answers to questions.

Let's remember here: the first posts were helpful. As the thread went on and got more and more suspicious, people starting making jokes ABOUT EATING PEOPLE not about the OP.

I don't like victim-blaming. And I don't like being accused of it.

I already said the mouse example was a bad one. Which is why I moved on from it.

I find it hard to get my head around a grown adult having a problem understanding that!

Is this you bullying me? Because you're taking the piss.

I'm surprised you don't get it, too.

It's like being afraid of clowns and going to work in a circus then moan about how you're surrounded by clowns

It's like being afraid of clowns = Being an OP with vulnerabilities
Going to work in a circus = Posting an OP despite having vulnerabilities
Moaning about being surrounded by clowns = Complaining that responses upset you

So. You seem to be saying that vulnerable people shouldn't post on MN because it's inevitable that they will be upset (ie, clown phobic gets circus job which will inevitably upset them).

If you're not saying vulnerable people shouldn't post here, you must be saying they shouldn't complain about upsetting replies (moan about clowns in circus). Basically, suck it up. If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. If you don't like being bullied you're in the wrong job.

It's kind of weird that you're not getting the message, so perhaps you're just feeling defensive after paaaaages of posts about what constitutes bullying. Cba to carry on like this, anyway, so will bugger off and hope you do see the point really.

Walter no, that's not bullying. I'm not taking the piss, not at all.

I genuinely do find it hard to get my head round why people find this so difficult to understand!

The context is important.

Lots of people making snide jokes on a thread where the OP is begging them not to take the piss, is pretty ugly. I genuinely don't understand what's difficult to get about that.

Your mouse example was a good one IMO (even if it was unintentional) because it is a very good metaphor for what's been happening here.

Ooh garlic, that outfit looks good, reckon I need one like that too!

garlic if you're going to be sensitive then don't post on AIBU. Maybe it shouldn't be for the thick-skinned but it is. So if you're sensitive, you post elsewhere.

It's not rocket science. Why on earth would I be sensitive? I didn't even comment on her first thread! And there haven't been pages on bullying at all. Have you bothered to read the whole thing.

auf you need to calm yourself down dear. It's more than a bit weird that you're so offended on behalf of someone you don't even know.

I'm done now. It's not all that important to me.

I'm perfectly calm, thanks.

Just to be clear, for me, it's not just about one poster, it's about the principle of the thing.

I think the way the bullies behave is damaging to mumsnet as a support forum.

It's not about this particular poster so much as about what's acceptable in this online community which we are all a part of. I think it's unacceptable and so I'm saying so.

I also think it's unacceptable, and I am also saying so.

Good Lord, is this still going?

I've been shopping, done some laundry, made slutty brownies for tonight's moviefest with the DDs, taken poorly DD2 to have her stats checked at the Drs, and you're still here.

Amazeballs.

Are we still all bullies?

Yes usual

Narsty, narsty bullies. Shall I shoot you, I have a couple of bullets left?

I'm not here

What is a slutty brownie please?

What Aufaniae said.

Yes shoot me please, before I die of boredom.

Some people take this forum malarkey far too seriously if you ask me.

Oooops I've derailed

Slutty brownies:

Chocolate chip cookie dough, covered in a layer of oreo cookies, covered in a thick layer of chocolate brownie mix.

Bake.

Eat.

Die of calorie overdose happiness.

Also considerably tastier than snacking on people. Marginally less dangerous too.

I'm a bit confused about how I might falsely discredit, humiliate and embarrass anyone, especially since I don't know anyone in real life.

For all you know, I'm a hairy handed trucker called Dave, so surely nothing I say should actually affect anyone's opinions of themselves [baffled], especially if I'm not actually talking to or about them.

Afternoon. And huge apologies for our extremely late arrival on this thread.

OK, it might be helpful for us to clarify a few things.

We locked the OP's original thread twice, in fact.

Once because we had received so many reports about it - not surprising, given, as many have pointed out here, it was an extremely unusual thread about cannibalism posted in AIBU during half-term and close to Hallowe'en. We suspended the thread at that point to give us time to check that the OP wasn't some obvious hairy-handed newb.

We then re-opened the thread, with a post to say we had no reason to suspect the OP of anything malicious or misleading.

We resuspended the thread later when it became clear that the OP had got her answers and left the thread (she posted to say so) but there was a lot of trollhunting/derailing still going on and we had worn through the casing on the delete post button

We're sorry, OP, that you felt that mocking posts were left up on the thread for too long. We do try to respond to reports as soon as we can.

Obviously, posts that attack another poster or trollhunt her break our guidelines - and will be deleted as soon as we are aware of them.

It is not our intention ever to add to anyone's distress by leaving any posts like this up for a moment longer than necessary. But we do have to say that, on an open and post-moderated forum such as ours, it would be wrong to expect to be specially protected from what other people might post: we do appreciate that some posters may have particular sensitivities or difficulties but, with the greatest will in the world, we can't change our posting rules for every individual.

It's for that reason that we have the 'hide thread' button and warnings on the top of certain topics about remembering that advice given here, while usually incredibly worthwhile, is no replacement for real-life professional help.

As regards the 'hide poster' button, we're aware that a fair few of you, including the OP, think this may be the answer to many problems.

We're not so sure but we're still thinking on't (and trying to work out the technical implications).

In the case of the OP's first thread, though, we're not sure it would have been helpful. The whole point of her thread, as she says, was to gain perspective on her friend's situation: if she'd been able to hide those posters she initially disagreed with, you could argue that she may not have gained the perspective she was after - and which she was ultimately grateful for.

From our POV, at MNHQ, if people did have a 'hide poster' button, we would have some concern that posters who are causing trouble and concern would simply be hidden, rather than reported. Which, in the case of the OP's original thread, may well have meant that we'd have been even slower to find the thread, delete posts and suspend it.

Hope that's of some help - even this late in the day!

Fuck me that sounds good

I made chocolate spread brownies night before last and they had the texture and taste of Old Shoe. DH said 'Mmmmm' and hasn't had another one since and they are in a tin in the kitchen looking sad and probably growing fluff.

Thankee, will try this weekend

Hang on, you roll out the cookie dough then spread a packet of oreos over the top then pour over brownie mix!!!!!!!!

Put a picture up and cut through the middle to show the layers, pleeaaaaaaaaaaase!.