Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

I don't know about H&M, that's a German company called Hennes und Mauritz - but for all I know C&A was too.

www.c-and-a.com/de/de/shop/start.html

C&A is still going apparently!

QLB, she wasn't a lone voice. And this has been going on for ages now, despite OP trying to close the conversation last night. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but Auf is primarily responsible for the continuation. Why are you replying on Auf's behalf, anyway? She's amply equipped to post for herself.

super LOL @ BOF

Yessica! I might suggest that in Baby Names.

Oh, good, I'm fond of C&A :) It was a Dutch company, so I must be wrong about the H&M connection.

I'll respond to whatever post I wish, thank you Garlic.

I'll also point out that I said "almost a lone voice"

H+M are Swedish aren't they?

Hmm. I was SO trying to make a point last night about how one poster can't expect a forum to be rewritten for them as otherwise we'd all be at it in order to only have to look at stuff that agrees with us.

Rereading my last post I see I didn't actually manage to achieve that at all and I should accept that I should never post after drinking and taking my meds

Anyway. Now I want to go shopping.

This one is certainly getting mileage. Whether the OP is attention seeking or not! which she is

As an aside: I DO wish people would stop throwing the word bully around so lightly. People ARE allowed to joke and since the jokes weren't aimed at the OP personally, there was no need for her to 'beg' them to stop or feel 'humiliated to the point of desperation'.

It's stuff like that ^ which had people suggesting this was not the place for her. She seems to have calmed down now, maybe other people should too.

Because, bullying is quite seriously shitty. And doesn't need watering down by people who are a bit hysterical about some posts on a forum.

Thanks for the post QuickLookBusy I really appreciate it :)

Garlic I'm still not sure I understand what you mean by over-involved. I'm just saying what I think. You could accuse me of posting a leetle bit too much on mumsnet recently and I would hold my hands up to that - but that is true whatever the topic. (I have loads of serious shit to get on with and procrastination is my middle name right now!).

I'm not upset, although thanks for the concern.

I do however think mumsnet is a great place, but that the bullying and pisstaking seriously detracts from that.

I think you should treat people with basic respect no matter where you are and I don't see anything wrong with pointing that out when others seem to have forgotten (or don't care) that they're dealing with real human beings with feelings, not just words on a screen.

Please don't feel you need to continue explaining what over-involved means though (unless you have a burning desire to) I suspect it is something we will have to agree to disagree on.

As for thinking I'm "primarily responsible for the continuation" of this topic! Well I'm flattered you think I have such power, however I have no doubt this thread would still be trundling along without little old me!

Oh, sorry - yes they might well be Swedish, but the names Hennes and Mauritz sound German to me and I'd seen their shops in Germany so assumed they were German.

Maybe it's time to have another go at patenting the MN-Overreaction Kit I invented a couple of years ago.
It consists of a nice darkened room to have a lie down in, a lavender scented hanky to mop the fevered brow...

And a boot on a stick for a self-administered kick up the fanjo when you realise how ridiculous you were being.

It's the perfect Xmas gift innit?

Well, we certainly know where you stand on bullying, SGB.

It pisstaking like on that thread bullying? I think so.

Cyberbullying has been defined by The National Crime Prevention Council as follows: ?When the Internet, cell phones or other devices are used to send or post text or images intended to hurt or embarrass another person."

Wikipedia (sorry, not the best source I know!) says "Examples of what constitutes cyberbullying include communications that seek to intimidate, control, manipulate, put down, falsely discredit, or humiliate the recipient"

I suppose the point you might disagree on is whether it's deliberate or not as it seems many of the pisstakers seem unaware that their actions could be hurting others! (Although IMO they don't have this defence once it's been pointed out to them.)

But from the point of view of the recipient it doesn't make much difference if it's deliberately supposed to hurt or not does it?! The posters doing it should know better IMO.

Anyway, that's enough for now, this really is too much procrastination!

But that's not what's happening here garlic

Say a worker was terrified of a mouse. And co-workers started telling mouse jokes none of which are aimed at the scared worker well, it's not bullying. They're taking the piss out of each other.

The subject matter is a mouse because the scared worker brought it up but none of it was aimed at her. How is it bullying? It's not.

Bit of a silly example (of mine) but my badly made point remains the same.

I've said it before and I'll say it now: if you're that sensitive AIBU is NOT THE PLACE FOR YOU. OP was around for months. She MUST have known that. She COULD have hidden the thread. Instead, she made a new thread about how upset she was. It's attention seeking and drama-queening.

You're wrong, Walter, it was bullying. The boss was put on a warning and I should think HR checked their facts. If you know the mouse thing is going to upset a co-worker and do it anyway, you are a bully.

In this instance garlic I'm sorry but the OP has to take some responsibility.

It's like being afraid of clowns and going to work in a circus then moan about how you're surrounded by clowns and want them all kicked out. It's ridiculous!

That's interesting, Walter. Are you saying Mumsnet's full of bullies who will continue to upset you on your own thread, because even when you've asked them not to? So you shouldn't post here if you're capable of being upset ... [hhmm]

Your circus/clown analogy reminds me of my old workplace, where I was told that if I didn't like being bullied I was in the wrong job! The phrase for that kind of thinking, I believe, is victim-blaming.