Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

You see, you don't come across as stupid and naive at all. Certainly you don't on this thread.

Scarah

Well thats the rather ironic thing.

I know I'm not stupid and naive in some ways at all, in fact I know from objective testing thats far from the case.

However, I am very stupid and naive when it comes to certain situations regarding judgement, particularly in the realms of what is ok/not ok. And that is due to a seriously messed up past, where I simply didn't learn those boundaries.

Oh come on.

Really? You could have hidden every questioning post (all the ones that are now deleted) and made sense of the rest.

And if you hid it you would have told your friend it was ok for her new b/f to eat her?

I have wasted half my evening trying to be nice.

I have changed my mind.

I now think this is all a load of horlicks.

Halfway. This is becoming seriously disturbing if you are to be believed. You are talking about a potential murder victim.

MaryZ

Now you seem to be failing to take what I have said on board.

I have no desire to hide every single questioning post. I only wished to hide the mocking ones... you know, the ones that were going 'ha ha, isn't this funny.'

I was listening very carefully to the ones that were telling me it was bad and dangerous and never would have hidden them.

Vivienne

That is why the police are involved now.

And MaryZ, yes I think the thread as it stands is full of very good advice... none of which I would have deleted.

Mumsnet has deleted the unhelpful ones, that I wish I could have blocked myself at the time, because they were clouding the issue I was trying to make sense of, and simply making fun of me.

If the police are involved then you shouldn't be talking about this on an internet forum. Won't you being giving witness statements and the like?

Yup, Stratters, I'm gone too.

I have reported it, again.

I have no idea who PenandInks is, although I saw them referred to before as somebody who wound everybody up.

They have a hell of a lot to answer for. And I am not them, nor anyone like them. My intentions and motivations are all as I have stated, and I have been as open with you as possible, and tried to address your concerns.

Not believing me is your prerogative, but I thank you at least for just leaving if thats really what your mind concludes.

Viv

No, because they can't do anything.

I have no proof of anything he's done, and neither does my friend. No statements necessary.

Just a 'we'll run a check on him, and keep an eye on him'.

Thats it.

Oh, that's interesting, I've not heard PenandInk's name for ages. Certainly not for months and months. When did you see that?

Halfway I think the comments from many of the posters on that thread were absolutely shameful. Bullies and troll-hunters are a real problem on mumsnet IMO.

I've just got in and don't have to get DS to bed but I'm glad you're still posting, I'll be back to read this thread later.

Sorry. This is just not how it works.

Scarah

You just said it

"Ok, I've tried really, really hard to give the benefit of the doubt, but this thread PenandInks imo. I'm out too. "

And someone mentioned it on my old thread too (probably one of the posts deleted now), and I've seen it pop up here from time to time.

Viv

Thats exactly what they said to me (the police).

And actually, I'm not entirely sure they didn't think I was winding them up (possibly faint sniggers in the background), although they tried very hard to seem they were taking it seriously.

They have some of his details now in any case. And I'm trying to get some more very carefully from my friend, because she will never voluntarily give it to me if she knows what I'm up to (his address etc).

Nah, PenandInk's never really referred to. I've been here for nearly 3 years, and I've probably seen her mentioned 2, possibly 3 times in all. And I read every post on your other thread.

Still, you're getting good value out of this thread, I'm sure someone will stay and play with you, just not me.

I have a messed up sense of context, and yes perspective, and I know it. Thats why I come to Mumsnet.. to regain that context and perspective.

And yet here you are, trying to dictate and control the nature of that context and perspective.

Mumsnet is not a specialist rape/SA/trauma website. Sites that are geared exclusively toward those subjects do exist and they are tailored to the needs of their target demographic. Have you been to Pandora's Aquarium? It's a site for survivors of sexual violence. It's moderated. It is designed to be a safe space. Mumsnet is none of those things, it doesn't pretend to be any of those things, and it doesn't exist to serve as your own personal sounding board to gauge the health of your emotional responses. Pandy's used to feature a room called Surviving To Thriving (it's been a long time since I posted there regularly so it may have changed) where people who had experienced sexual trauma and made a recovery could could offer their perspective on questions asked by people still suffering. It sounds like that might be a good environment for you at your present stage of recovery.

I've been raped too. He made me think he was going to kill me (it was just a laugh to him though - hilarious!). I understand that the overwhelming majority people on the internet don't give a fuck (and why should they?), especially when that experience is entirely unrelated to the context of a specific post I have made, and I understand that when things start to make me feel uncomfortable it is my responsibility to close the tab and move on. I don't think my tragic life gives me licence to tell other people how to behave on the internet or how to run their own websites.

Thank you aufaniae.

You can find a post about Pen And Ink here.

Scarah

Believe what you will. You mentioned the name here first. Someone did mention it on my old thread. And I have seen the name before here... usually on posts that get deleted, and saying enough to make me aware of what they likely did (even though I don't know the details).

Again, I have been honest with you, and have spent the better part of my day trying to address all of your legitimate concerns, and get better insight/understanding of my own problems (and have done).

I don't mind if you don't believe me. That now becomes your prerogative, and your issue. Thank you for what you have helped with.

Nah, A newby wouldn't have heard of Penandink.