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Is this too creepy to tolerate? [WARNING: extreme subject matter]

447 replies

Halfway · 29/10/2012 08:39

I'm posting on behalf of my best friend (for real, she is sat beside me but is not familiar with Mumsnet).

She has recently begun dating a new guy (for a couple months), whom she has known for over ten years as a friend, albeit mostly long distance as he works and lives long periods abroad. He is also Chinese (only relevant because I am genuinely unsure as to whether there are any cultural differences that might make his confession less bizarre than it sounds to me).

He has confessed to her that his ultimate fantasy about intimacy involves eating someone (albeit only ever with their consent).

He says he has never actually eaten part of anyone, but fantasizes about finding someone who would consent to giving him small pieces of flesh (that would not overly harm the person), that he could cook and perhaps even share with them.

Now, she tells me all this in a very relaxed (almost flippant) way, and I can't help but sit here and inwardly think !!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

She tells me that in her opinion it is no worse than people who fantasize about whipping/strangling each other, and that although it is freaky, the important thing is that he has no wish to do anything without someone else's wholehearted participation.

So now I am uncertain as to whether I really am being a bit intolerant (and judgemental), or if there is something about this particular fantasy that is just too dangerous (and creepy) to tolerate.

Mumsnet jury opinions needed! Many thanks.

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegsEvilTwin · 29/10/2012 10:11

Completely understand, Halfway.

Could you just try to make it clear to your friend that a true vorarephile (as this person seems to be) would not be satisfied with little pieces of skin from around her fingernails? It truly is a fetish for eating human flesh.

FryOneGhoulishGhostlyManic · 29/10/2012 10:13

Okay, half term has finished here, forgot it might not be the same everywhere.

Strawhatpirate · 29/10/2012 10:13

Has he told your friend how he developed this fetish?

Halfway · 29/10/2012 10:14

I agree with you ScrambledSmegsEvilTwin.

She seems to think that says more about my lack of confidence in her, and her ability to set boundaries... which is one of the reasons I'm getting a bit upset, we're actually fighting a little bit over this.

Also, I've just noticed one of the comments about why I would even think this could in any way be cultural. I genuinely mean no offense. The reason I am/was uncertain is because I genuinely don't know. I know next to nothing about Chinese culture unfortunately, but am quite happy to be set straight that it has nothing to do with it. I absolutely meant no offense, and apologise to anyone whom I may have.

OP posts:
shockers · 29/10/2012 10:15

I believe you. I'd also tell her to get out fast. I'd even consider giving his name to the police, just in case his curiosity gets the better of him.

DeeMonic · 29/10/2012 10:17

Two words: Jeffrey Dahmer

Halfway · 29/10/2012 10:18

Reviewing some of the helpful comments that I missed (or didnt' read carefully enough).

I didn't realise ABH was illegal with or without consent... I might use that angle with her. However, not sure how thats true considering the prevalence of S/M and indeed vampirism (which can all cause bodily harm), unless people just deliberately break the law.

She doesn't seem to care whether or not he would desire things to escalate as she feels confident she can tell him when enough is enough, and seems to believe wholeheartedly he would accept that.

She also says she kind of "gets it", as in gets where he's coming from, as in she finds something a bit erotic/intimate about it, even though she's never gone that far before.

OP posts:
Halfway · 29/10/2012 10:19

Had put baby to sleep, but he's demanding my attention again. Away for a bit, but didn't want people to think I've just disappeared.

OP posts:
FryOneGhoulishGhostlyManic · 29/10/2012 10:20

I don't believe you can set boundaries with this kind of fantasy. He wants to eat a whole person. Little bits of skin are not going to be anywhere near enough to satisfy this need.

Halfway I think many of us have pointed out why your friend should get away from this chap, but I don't think we can do any more, as from your posts your friend is still trying to justify this. Sad

I really hope she does get away, and also alert the police. Sooner or later someone will suffer at the hands of this chap.

Nancy66 · 29/10/2012 10:21

don't leave your friend alone with your baby. She might eat him.

Scarynuff · 29/10/2012 10:25

I have only read the first and last page of this thread but I suggest that you report this to the police yourself (because your friend is clearly not going to) and at least they will have this information on record. There is nothing else you can do really apart from making sure you have no contact with him yourself.

ScrambledSmegsEvilTwin · 29/10/2012 10:27

Without actually knowing the guy, it's difficult to tell whether she's right or not about him accepting her boundaries. Do you know him? Do you think he would respect her wishes if she did tell him enough was enough?

Obviously my first instinct is to tell her to run, but I don't think that would get you anywhere with her. Has she had counselling re: the self-harming? I think if she's being tempted to hurt herself again, albeit for 'erotic' Hmm reasons, that would be something to discuss with a counsellor. Do you think she would consider that?

TooImmatureGhostiesAndGhoulies · 29/10/2012 10:28

The difference between vampirism and cannibalism is that it is possible to drink someone's blood without doing them any permanent damage or causing them to scar. People donate blood all the time. People do not donate flesh. Any piece of flesh cut off is going to leave a scar. It is also going to hurt a hell of a lot more, and as someone else mentioned, has a much higher risk of infection to the wound. I don't know if vampirism counts as ABH or not, but it is just not as risky - and that's a very relative scale! What if you pierced an artery or a vein messing about trying to let someone drink your blood? You could die very easily.

Strawhatpirate · 29/10/2012 10:28

But does she really get it? Or is he just very charismatic and she is getting swept up in it all. I don't know your friend but she sounds vulnerable and I think he's been very clever in recognizing that. I think he's probably very good at making it sound sexy but the reality is he wants to mutilate her in a horrible, bloody way. Its not just normal bondage or S&M someone could almost certainly end up very badly hurt if not dead.

YouOldSlag · 29/10/2012 10:29

She is lucky to have a friend like you OP. He will emotionally abuse her and encourage her to go further than she intends to. He will make her think it was her decision. He is already doing this now. It won't get better.

I think we can all guess the worst case scenario and hope that it never comes to that.

Please keep trying to reason with her. Good for you for being so caring.

TooImmatureGhostiesAndGhoulies · 29/10/2012 10:29

And I'm surprised that in 6 pages only one person has mentioned Hannibal Lecter!

sawseesaw · 29/10/2012 10:29

Please, please read this very creepy, very true story. No one will ever know how compliant his victim was.

Strawhatpirate · 29/10/2012 10:31

I agree with Scarynuff. I bet the police would find his hard drive very interesting.

garlicbaguette · 29/10/2012 10:31

She may not want to see it this way, but she's thinking of him as an instrument for self-harm, isn't she? "I know when to stop; it gives me release; I want to bleed just enough; it's a special feeling ..." She doesn't seem to have quite grasped that he has his own motives, which are very different from hers and unconcerned with her well-being.

In evidence of that: a man who cared for her wouldn't be encouraging her to think like a cutter, would he? Yet that's exactly what's happening :(

FutureNannyOgg · 29/10/2012 10:33

I was going to say pretty much what ScrambledSmegsEvilTwin said. A vore fetish isn't unheard of in reasonable, sane people with no urge to hurt people, but these people keep it in their heads, fiction etc, and would never consider it IRL on any level. The fact that he is actively considering doing it, as if it would be OK is the concern.

CrackerJackShack · 29/10/2012 10:34

I don't understand how she thinks she can stop him in the heat of the moment. She needs to realize that if they are alone and he decides he wants more, she will not be able to stop him.

Halfway · 29/10/2012 10:38

Baby in bed again, friend upset with me and gone for a smoke outside. Thank you for the support, I very much appreciate it (as am prone to huge self-doubt myself).

She is at least beginning to look a bit more disturbed, partly thanks to the fact that everyone here is agreeing it is all too much. She also just told me she had been considering going on holiday with him. I told her absolutely no way would I let her do that if there was anything in my power I could do to stop her. She seems to have agreed and backed out of that idea, but she's quite upset (so am I actually).

I want to reply to some of the other questions, but am doing a bit of a juggling act here with everything going on (baby and friend), will try and review in a few mins... going for some strong coffee!

OP posts:
EmpressOfTheSevenScreams · 29/10/2012 10:41

What garlicbaguette said. Can't your friend see the link????

I also notice this bastard's not interested in cutting off bits of his flesh.

Latara · 29/10/2012 10:46

Definitely call Crimestoppers; if not the Police (101) & tell them exactly what she has told you.

There really are some messed up people out there; your friend sounds vulnerable as others have said; so definitely for the sake of herself & other people - do alert someone to this man.

You don't need to tell your friend that you've spoken to the Police; no-one need know it was you - yes, she might guess & be angry if, for example, the Police do take action but as her friend it's your duty to look out for her - because she clearly is too vulnerable to inform the Police herself.

BadgersBottom · 29/10/2012 10:47

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