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Is this too creepy to tolerate? [WARNING: extreme subject matter]

447 replies

Halfway · 29/10/2012 08:39

I'm posting on behalf of my best friend (for real, she is sat beside me but is not familiar with Mumsnet).

She has recently begun dating a new guy (for a couple months), whom she has known for over ten years as a friend, albeit mostly long distance as he works and lives long periods abroad. He is also Chinese (only relevant because I am genuinely unsure as to whether there are any cultural differences that might make his confession less bizarre than it sounds to me).

He has confessed to her that his ultimate fantasy about intimacy involves eating someone (albeit only ever with their consent).

He says he has never actually eaten part of anyone, but fantasizes about finding someone who would consent to giving him small pieces of flesh (that would not overly harm the person), that he could cook and perhaps even share with them.

Now, she tells me all this in a very relaxed (almost flippant) way, and I can't help but sit here and inwardly think !!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

She tells me that in her opinion it is no worse than people who fantasize about whipping/strangling each other, and that although it is freaky, the important thing is that he has no wish to do anything without someone else's wholehearted participation.

So now I am uncertain as to whether I really am being a bit intolerant (and judgemental), or if there is something about this particular fantasy that is just too dangerous (and creepy) to tolerate.

Mumsnet jury opinions needed! Many thanks.

OP posts:
PrincessSymbian · 29/10/2012 18:07

Should read "be beaten until"

Strawhatpirate · 29/10/2012 18:07

That is certainly very serious business.

Halfway · 29/10/2012 18:16

I think I finally have clarity regarding this.

I'm going to tell her I simply cannot support her in going down this path at all, as I don't think there is anything healthy or productive that can come of it (and nor do the Mumsnet masses).

She can choose to ignore me and pursue it anyway, or she can follow my pull (and yours) away from it.

Thats what I'm going to say. All the rest is just details. Thank you all.

OP posts:
TandB · 29/10/2012 18:16

I started reading this thread this morning and have just caught up with it now.

This is completely and utterly insane. I don't care if there is a "scene" in relation to vampirism or canibalism. It is still completely and utterly harmful and abusive, even if the victim is apparently consenting. No-one who is able to genuinely love and empathise with someone would want that person to permanently harm themselves to indulge their fetish.

OP, I don't think you should be involving yourself in this situation at all. I don't think you can help and I think there is a very real risk given your recent posts, that you will finish up reinforcing your friend's sense of being "different" and part of a little group of "misfits". Your posts about people not understanding because they are innocent and haven't experienced this are a massive red flag - you are pretty much paraphrasing what an earlier poster said about your friend being persuaded that she is different and that other people won't understand.

I don't think you should be telling her you understand, or discussing the possible motivations for canibalism (which you have done in one of your posts) as you are going to make it sound like it is something valid enough to be discussed and considered.

If this is a real situation, and if your friend and this man really exist, then you are potentially doing something extremely dangerous by even trying to counsel your friend through this. What are you going to do if it all goes hideously, horribly wrong?

Your friend needs some very serious help. You aren't the one to give it.

expatinscotland · 29/10/2012 18:20

Kink positive?

I've heard it all now.

Halfway · 29/10/2012 18:21

kungfupanda Cross-post, but basically I agree with you, and am going to take a stand and bow out myself.

You're right, its too big and dangerous, and I don't want to get sucked into it myself, nor let her have the illusion that its all going to be ok if we're all in it together, because its not.

I'm going to have no part of it. And she can join me, or she can break away from me, but thats her choice.

Thank you so much for the clarity. It seems very simple now. I just needed a healthy dose of majority common sense.

OP posts:
MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 29/10/2012 18:22

I think that is wise, Halfway - for you and for her. You will have done your best by her.

Halfway · 29/10/2012 18:37

I've realised something else too.

I have a tendency to close ranks and think I need only the 'misfits' to talk to because everyone else can't possibly understand.

Thats so wrong. What I actually need is normality, normal healthy, happy people, the more normal/healthy/happy the better... because it pulls me out of the mire instead of spiralling me deeper into it.

My god, thats a useful insight for me... and is probably why I find myself running to Mumsnet when things get too intense.

OP posts:
ScarahStratton · 29/10/2012 18:43

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Strawhatpirate · 29/10/2012 18:52

Only a couple of months ago a canadian bloke killed his boyfriend and ate part of his leg. He filmed the whole thing and put it on youtube. So sadly these things do happen.

Halfway · 29/10/2012 18:57

ScarahStratton Well ok, some 'normal' people can't possibly understand. You can see where I've got that impression from. For some people, it really is just too much to be able to relate to... and then the piss-taking begins.

Fair enough, I'm grateful at least I've spotted a problem in my own thinking, and that I have to persist with relating to the majority despite the occasional bit of contempt and/or disbelief directed my way. Maybe I will learn how to express myself in a way that doesn't cause that to happen.

OP posts:
ScarahStratton · 29/10/2012 18:58

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Halfway · 29/10/2012 19:00

Very funny Scarah, implying that I am writing fiction, yes? Because people like me can't possibly exist, yes?

Seriously, please just take it elsewhere or report if you have your doubts, and don't mock me on my own thread.

OP posts:
RubyCreakingGates · 29/10/2012 19:03

Don't read Poppy Z Brite's "Self Made Man". Or do, or let your friend read it. I twill give her food for thought.

www.amazon.co.uk/Self-Made-Man-Poppy-Z-Brite/dp/0753810174

3LittleHens · 29/10/2012 19:06

There is absolutely nothing normal about this.
To be honest, I don't understand why she hasn't run a 1000 miles already.
Is she desperate?
Words just can't express how bad this is.
Come on get a grip (not you her).

rainbowinthesky · 29/10/2012 19:08

I am very curious to know how this would work. Would it be bits of flesh that can grow back? I mean you only have so many digits and arms. Do you just get smaller and smaller?

ScarahStratton · 29/10/2012 19:09

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Halfway · 29/10/2012 19:09

Thank you all for the genuine comments and help. I know what I am going to do/say now, have posted it upthread.

I think if I stay here longer I am just going to get drawn into unpleasantness again, and I have already received the help I was looking for, so I'll just disengage now.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Strawhatpirate · 29/10/2012 19:13

Good luck to you and your friend OP!

ScarahStratton · 29/10/2012 19:14

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NapOfTheDamned · 29/10/2012 19:14

What kingfupannda said.

This is not kinky or different or something that is valid as a lifestyle choice, amongst a group of people who are kinky and different in their sexual choices to the mainstream.

This is something else entirely. Anyone having these fantasies is disturbed and crucially, anyone talking about acting them out with someone who has a history of self harm has crossed a red line and is dangerous.

You, especially you with your backstory can't get sucked in. It is dangerous for you to do so.

Even a very experienced therapist or MH professional, with appropriate training and boundaries and support would find this very difficult indeed to work with.

Very glad you see this and have logged with police and are stepping back.
Look after yourself and your baby and be boundaried and safe with your friend. She needs more support than you can give; that's not you fault, that is just how it is and the responsible thing to do is to accept that this is much too dark for an untrained person to deal with, especially one who is a friend and has a baby to care for.

It is not responsible to offer to support someone if you are likely to lose your footing yourself.

whensteaready · 29/10/2012 19:41

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WereTricksPotter · 29/10/2012 19:48

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScarahStratton · 29/10/2012 19:52

Good grief no. Because everything is perfect and shiny and true.

whensteaready · 29/10/2012 19:59

Wont someone think of the fava beans