I have a crush, I think it's mutual. We're both married.

[idontwantthiscrush]

Namechanged as known on here in RL.

Looking for genuine practical advice here.

Started a new job 3 months ago and was instantly attracted to a colleague. I expected at the time that he felt the same. Over the past 3 months we have had to work closely together and the sexual tension is crazy. I cannot remember such intense physical attraction with such physical effects, in fact I think I have only had it with 2 or 3 guys In my life (dh is not one of them).

The last month with the work colleague has been the worst. Nothing has been said but I am pretty sure we both feel the same. It's ridiculous crazy chemistry and I just want to do things to him that I know I shouldn't want to.

We are both married and both have 2 young DCs.

So far I have handled this by being totally professional all the time, only going on work events which I really have to (I.e. not seeing him outside work) and when I have had to go I've driven so I wouldn't let any inhibititions go and end up flirting or suchlike. I am trying to invest my sexual and flirtatious energy into my marriage (which has become a bit stale) and also remember that this guy from work has a family, a wife, and probably farts and leaves his cups on top of the dishwasher just like mine does.

The problem is I cannot stop thinking about him. I DO NOT want to act on it. Well, I do in my sexual fantasies but its not a road I want to go down in RL AT ALL.

I've been telling myself for weeks just to get him out of my head and focus on the DCs and DH and how lucky I am with them. I feel like such a teenage fool being a married woman who fancies a colleague.

I know I sound like a muppet but I wondered if anyone has ever experienced this, and what you did to get rid of the crush/tension.

The obvious answer is to leave my job but I was looking for 8months for this job and opportunities in my industry are rare where I live. We can't pay the mortgage without my salary. I also can't work any less with this guy.

Even reading this back I am embarrassed by myself.

I've had times when Mr Parker wasn't my dream man, but he's never been replaced in my thoughts or in RL.

Fantasising about other people is absolutely fine imo... far as I ever knew, we're none of us answerable to the thought police!!

OP nobody gets into something without at some level knowing what they're doing so that part of it is entirely within your own control. I think this is more an issue with your relationship than with the work guy.

phew, was wondering if I was going mad with the 'it's perfectly normal to be fantasising about someone else when I'm having sex with my husband' thing.

What's the saying? you can't stop birds flying around your head but you can stop them nesting in your hair. Thoughts come and go but you have a choice about whether you invite them in and give them cake and tea.

I would think it was ok to fantasise about Daniel Craig, or whoever floats your boat celebrity-wise - that is all imagination and isn't going to impact your life. If you are doing it all the time though then that is weird and worrying.

Find it massively inappropriate that you are fantasising about a real man who you know and fancy while you are in bed with your husband!

And of course you are preferring freedoms advice, she is giving you permission to carry on as you are down a dangerous road.

idontwantthis - if you can, step back and read this thread through from start to finish. See how you are justifying yourself further as you go along.

Charbon - great post.

FWIW, despite having a number of crushes, I've never been unfaithful and I've never slept with a married, or attached man. I'm separated now (not associated to any infidelity on my part) and I still wouldn't follow through with a workplace crush for professional reasons. What goes on in my head during any form of sex though is my business. I am certainly not giving anyone 'permission' to cheat on their partner. I am simply reminding OP that, however she feels, the responsibility for action remains with her and she chooses infidelity if she indeed does go down that path. Personally, the 'you are already cheating by even thinking it' line is closer to giving permission to act on the attraction as it's almost saying 'you might as well sleep with him, you're already fantasising and you've got no control over your lust now'.
There are different ways of dealing with the same problems...it's whatever works for you and OP can choose.

As an example, fantasising about killing someone wouldn't mean you've already done it in your head so you may as well go ahead and kill them. It's a huge leap from the former to the latter.

However, murder is rather more cut and dried, as adultery used to be, I suspect. The lines are so blurred now that it's apparently ok to sail closer and closer to the wind. even a cursory glance at the relationships board makes it clear that sailing so close to the wind, and justifying it to the hilt (what I do in my own head is personal and nobody else's business), has a fairly predictable result.

Yes...maybe I have unusual self-control but I find that when I work with attractive guys I can imagine them naked and even having sex...but I never find I have to resign from my job for fear I might be overcome with lust and just start ripping off my clothes and making passionate love to them...unless they're wearing Lynx of course.

Funny you should mention that springspringy I do sometimes also fantasise very graphically about murdering my ex-H in cold blood ... do you want to call the police?

Not really Loving. I did the same but he's dead now. Not at my hands, I hasten to add; though there was a time I'd have happily stepped up to the plate. Prison put me off. You know. Kids and such. ie consequences.

Bloody hell eh SS the power of thought!! Wish it would work for me. lol

that's what I thought until it happened. Not so nice in reality.

OP - something I thought when reading this, you say it took 8 months to find this job, well you have had a project going on for 8 months that was aside to day-to-day life, finding a job.

It's well known that within 6 months of getting married a large number of my female friends then made a big change in their life, either get a new job, move house or redecorate/renovate the one they've got, take up learning a new language etc. It seems once the 'wedding' project (which if you're having a relatively big do, don't have DCs and don't hire a wedding planner ends up being all consuming) was out of the way, they looked round for a new project. At least one I know of had an affair, that was her 'project'.

It could well be your mind is bored, you've had the "something else" on top of your day to day life of looking for a new job that was a huge change, now you have settled into your new job, you don't have that and you're looking for something else.

The idea of having a project with your DH (or even on your own) where your mind can wander too would help. Keep you too busy to think about "sexy man at work" - also focussing on your marriage, trying to find things with DH you can enjoy.

I have some practical advice:

1. Do NOT 'confess' your feelings for this colleague. In any way, shape or form, not even non-verbally with looks or smiles. If you do, the tension bursts out into the open and becomes sexualised, which is almost impossible to resist (D Carder).

1. TELL YOUR HUSBAND. Tell him your secret, your desires and deal with his reaction. That bursts the bubble.

Sorry, I forgot to put down the affair therapists who advocate 2: (Carder, Subotnik, Glass, Cole [Relate], etc, etc.

I totally agree with 1. You think it will ease the pressure but it does the opposite = rocket fuel.

LovingFreedom: "Personally, the 'you are already cheating by even thinking it' line is closer to giving permission to act on the attraction as it's almost saying 'you might as well sleep with him, you're already fantasising and you've got no control over your lust now'. "

Errrr NO. I never thought that. I definitely never said that.

I am not saying that by thinking these things, Op has already, or almost committed infidelity. I never said anythng of the sort.

I like Daniel Craig. Fantasisng aboiut Daniel Craig, is one thing.When you are sat there with a glass of wine, thinking about 007......

But I would be very hurt if someone was sleeping with me, and thinking about someone else. Wouldn't you? Why don't we all ask our dh's if they would be hurt. Bet they would.

OP, when do you swap over, from thinking about the man at the office, to registering that it is actually your dh that you are with.
Who are you fantasising about when there is a first kiss. The office man? As your dh slips off your clothes? The office man? Dh kisses you? The office man?when does it swap over? When he says something? And you realsie it is actually dh thta you are with, at thta moment? when dh is inside you and moaning, oh baby?
I jest. But seriously, if you were told that for 1/10th of your love making, your dh was thinking about 'Dorothy form Accounts', or is it o,k, thta he's thinking about her for 1/4 or a 1/2 of the making love session. What is o.k. for you?

For me its 0%. I would be very very very very hurt, if i though my dh was thinking about someone else. At all. Even if he was thinking baout her for 1%. It would not be o.k. for me.

Plus, do you talk to your dh about work? About the people you work with? Someone has just come back form holiday or their wife has had a baby? I do. Dh tells me about Mike said this and Mike said that.
I tell him that we had a problem with the Del*ittes job, but that Stuart joked that it would all come good ........

So, you haven't mentioned the office man to your dh? Not even in a day to day talking about the people at your work, no? Odd.

I wonder what has been going on with Op and her crush, this week?

She is clearly very,very tempted....

What would Op tell her dh? How would she phrase it?
Would she say that she found John/Mike/Steve very attractive?
What would happen if her dh started asking very difficult/probing questions : 'had she ever thought about him .....'
That conversation could be very bad, if it wasn't handled correctly.

She has to do it, Oblamov.

That she finds him attractive, that she thinks about him all the time, that she wishes he would make a move, that what she would like more than anything else is to be in his arms etc etc.

THEN, to explore why she feels this way. To feel desired, attractive to someone, yadda yadda. How SHE feels, what SHE is missing. Nothing blaming H.

Then, explore deeper, the issues that come up from that.

And to take his anger, rage, devastation, whatever comes her way. The thing that drives the addiction of affairs is the FANTASY and the SECRECY. Putting it out there takes all the rocket fuel away.

And believe me the pain of this is NOTHING compared to the permanent devastation that is an affair. That can never be put back in the bottle.

This happened to me when we were first married (couple of years in). I told DH and said that it was awful and I was embarrassed and he was sweet about it. It fizzled out quickly after that.

oh and how I told him is something along these lines.

I'm so embarrassed and this is awful but I have a crush on XYZ and I wish it would go away. I hate it, I want it to end. He laughed (in a kind way) and said it was normal and not to worry and gave me a hug. It took a lot of the moon june spoon out of it by telling him.

Hi everyone - interesting catching up on the thread....

This week has been good. I have kept contact minimal and professional. Unfortunately the chemistry is still there and the locking of eyes is still there - frequently.

Some people have missed the point of my thread though - I do find him sexy but I don't want to have an affair with him. Yes he gets me hot under the collar but believe it or not I don't actually want to shag him in RL. It is a ridiculous idea on many levels.
So abitwobbly you are wrong, I don't want this guy to do things to me whatsoever in RL.... It's just a fantasy but i don't want to act on it.

I do think investing the sexual energy in dh and starting a project together is a good idea. I will have a think about what that could be.

I guess the whole concept of shagging your dp with someone else on your mind is totally alien for some but kinda understandable for others.... I want my marriage to last forever and if we go through a few months where another hot guy is in my head then so be it... Mercenary huh??

I don't know about mercenary but I just can't get my head around it because I find it alarming that you consider it perfectly normal to fantasise about someone else when you're having sex with your husband. I can't reconcile having sex with someone dear and thinking about someone else. Isn't sex ultimately about intimacy? How is it intimacy if you're thinking about someone else? Is it just sex then, as in porn: sex for sex's sake? I genuinely want to understand where you are on this.

God...give the girl a break...she hasn't done anything...you're through another week OP...well done. You'll be fine.

I guess it could be good psychology to be blase about it - so if that works then great. Whatever works, really.

(I'd still like to understand the having sex and thinking about someone else thing though, but it seems people are coy about being asked. I just don't understand it, tis all)