I have a crush, I think it's mutual. We're both married.

[idontwantthiscrush]

Namechanged as known on here in RL.

Looking for genuine practical advice here.

Started a new job 3 months ago and was instantly attracted to a colleague. I expected at the time that he felt the same. Over the past 3 months we have had to work closely together and the sexual tension is crazy. I cannot remember such intense physical attraction with such physical effects, in fact I think I have only had it with 2 or 3 guys In my life (dh is not one of them).

The last month with the work colleague has been the worst. Nothing has been said but I am pretty sure we both feel the same. It's ridiculous crazy chemistry and I just want to do things to him that I know I shouldn't want to.

We are both married and both have 2 young DCs.

So far I have handled this by being totally professional all the time, only going on work events which I really have to (I.e. not seeing him outside work) and when I have had to go I've driven so I wouldn't let any inhibititions go and end up flirting or suchlike. I am trying to invest my sexual and flirtatious energy into my marriage (which has become a bit stale) and also remember that this guy from work has a family, a wife, and probably farts and leaves his cups on top of the dishwasher just like mine does.

The problem is I cannot stop thinking about him. I DO NOT want to act on it. Well, I do in my sexual fantasies but its not a road I want to go down in RL AT ALL.

I've been telling myself for weeks just to get him out of my head and focus on the DCs and DH and how lucky I am with them. I feel like such a teenage fool being a married woman who fancies a colleague.

I know I sound like a muppet but I wondered if anyone has ever experienced this, and what you did to get rid of the crush/tension.

The obvious answer is to leave my job but I was looking for 8months for this job and opportunities in my industry are rare where I live. We can't pay the mortgage without my salary. I also can't work any less with this guy.

Even reading this back I am embarrassed by myself.

"we have a project coming up where we probably will have to be out of the office a lot together"

I'd try to get out of that if you can. If you're already fantasising about this bloke while having sex with your husband, this has crossed a line.

You are much more vulnerable than you think you are. You're massively over-estimating your resistance if your colleague pushes this further.

If you start this project together, you're just going to put temptation in your path. Recognise that you don't have as much control over this as you think you have and put some barriers in.

I'd just disagree with this. It hasn't crossed a line. You can't always pick and choose projects like that and if it's good for your career/essential part of the job just get on with it and be professional. Just do not, under any circumstances shag him. Wear some grotty underwear, make sure you haven't shaved your armpits, legs or whatever as an additional deterrent...you can do it!!

loving, I really wonder if you have ever been in the situation where your entire being cries out to do the deed, to 'consumate', in whatever way, the very powerful feelings you have for someone who is 'forbidden'. I don't think you can have if you are suggesting that to put in every possible deterrent is 'self-flagellation'. I have had any number of 'fancies' in my life and, as long as the danger beacons are not flashing (ie I am in too deep, the temptation is too great), I can enjoy a bit of phwoar on the quiet. I know though to walk circumspectly and not waggle myself in harm's way - because I agree with Beth that the OP is not as in control of this as she thinks she is and that to tinker around on the so-say edges is playing with fire, asking for trouble.

Yes hopespringy you are right, in all my 41 years I have never experienced lust before....only for my DH! lol.

But I guess it's ok
erm, no it isn't. How would you like it if when your dearly beloved was having sex with you he was fantasising - in a very real way - about someone else? so, not ok.

I am using the excitement of the feeling of someone new wanting me, without actually going there.....
you are going there. YOu are justifying your fantasies - it's those very fantasies that lead to the deed. Quicker than you realise, actually.

Still feel bad about it though, as if I am betraying dh...
You are.

I think it's for each couple to define their own sense of fidelity etc...but I'd be surprised if many people in LTRs haven't at some point (or very frequently) fantasised about sex with other people either real, imagined, known or strangers.

Unusual, I expect, to define infidelity to include having thoughts about someone else.....I don't think OP has betrayed her DH at all. In fact it comes across that she is taking her feelings and her marriage seriously and not getting carried away.

hope just out of interest, is thinking of anyone other than your dp during any sexual activity betrayal?

I'm finding this all a bit far fetched now and am definitely finding freedoms advice more realistic to be honest. I don't expect every married person to never fantasise about anyone else during sex or masturbation. I just need to be acutely aware of what I am doing and the choices I am making. beth I will try and get out of the project. Hard to say as honestly - I enjoy the banter and the chemistry but as many have said it is just not worth it.

Liking freedoms advice though - "just don't shag him" that's what I have to remember....

I'd treat this as though you aren't in complete control of your decisions, because trust me you aren't.

There's a world of difference between sexual fantasies about a random faceless stranger or celeb and a real-life bloke who you know fancies you as much as you fancy him- and with whom you're about to start a project. I just know you're already fantasising about him making the first move and him reaching in for a snog. Tell me I'm wrong? If you put yourself in the line of fire, don't be shocked or surprised if you get shot.

Better to know your limitations and avert danger if you can. Please don't think you're impervious because it's so obvious from your posts that you are not. Just be realistic about your own defences and don't let them be tested. Because lust will win every time.

Thanks beth.... Interestingly when I read your post and pictured him leaning over for a snog I felt "yikes - get off me, what the hell are you doing?". But it's one thing feeling like that when I'm under a blanket watching tv with dh vs how I might feel if it was in the office or after work drink and it happened. I'll just remove myself from tempting situations. BUT freedom is still right, in that I need to trust mysel not to have sex with someone I find attractive.

I do get that I am vulnerable here though so I know I need to take the lead and basically carry on as I have, totally professionally... But also I'm going to stop giving myself such a hard time for having a crush

Yes, you need to imagine you've done really well as a team at a meeting/visit to a client, when you're on a high and it would be natural to celebrate. Or alternatively if you've both fucked up and need to drown your sorrows. But do bear in mind that there are some steps before this.....when you admit you find eachother attractive and wish things were different....when you start mirroring eachother's views....when you permit even a minor complaint about your partners. Alcohol or a work high could jump those stages, so your best bet is no booze together and no project if you can help it.

You shouldn't give yourself a hard time for fancying another man. Just don't over-estimate your defences and start stockpiling them is all.

A poster earlier asked you Op to consider the effects on dh. If you did do something. And he then found out. To imagine his face, his utter utter devastation , when he found out.
But I don''t think you have responded.
Could you please. I think it might do you the power of good to really think about this aspect. And then to put it into words.

masturbation is different (although I go along with nameless stranger ie a general 'ideal') to specific sexual activity with a specific person. Ie the person you have made a solemn commitment to be faithful to. Of course you can fancy another man, just don't do anything about it. I'm talking choosing to pass his desk on the way to the photocopier instead of going the obvious route. If it is a general fancy then of course you can like someone's attention in a general sense but you're not in that category with this. NOthing like. You like freedom's advice because she makes it cosy and mmm and lovely and harmless . What you're doing is not harmless.

If it were just lust then you may be, possibly, on surer footing, but there's a strong emotional thing going on with you: a new life, a new identity; and he embodies, confirms, validates all that. Then you're fantasising about him like billyo - the surest possible way of making sure you do it, take that step (then bleak that 'it just happened!'). Then you're saying 'y'know, DH was never quite my cup of tea...'. come on, girl, look at yourself, what you're saying and what you're doing. You're paving the way, you're justifying it.

of course fantasising about someone else - someone specific - when you're having sex is a betrayal. I'm amazed you have to ask (how would you like it?). Sex being about intimacy, and all.

Making a distinction between masturbation and sexual intercourse is abitrary...and one could argue that the former is more of a betrayal because it side tracks the partner altogether. FFS of course OP has the option of exercising self control and saying no or avoiding a full sexual encounter. Someone earlier in the thread accused me of not understanding the scenario. I have a successful professional career. I've worked in predominantly male environments with male colleagues, clients and collaborators. Worked away from home, abroad, hospitality and drink available and with some pretty hot guys.

It is not inevitable that you sleep with them. Even if the project is going well, you get a big sale or you have a lot to drink. Ok the temptation is sometimes there....but you can resist. For the sake of your reputation, career and sometimes your marriage or relationship too...you do.

Like I said before infidelity is for individual couples to defin but again....wonder how many people can honestly claim to never have fantasized about someone else.....no harm done.

Hopespringy I can see where you're coming from but your advice makes out that OP has already been unfaithful in thought and the next step in virtually inevitable....and actually not by your reckoning much worse. In my assessment, which I agree is a personal interpretation, she hasn't done anything wrong yet.

what are you doing on here then 007 ? OP is dazzled in the headlights from what one can see. Her own headlights in one's opinion.

hope Are you referring to me as 007 (I don't get that reference but am not a bond fan!)

I came on he to look for some practical advice in diffusing the crush which I think I found. I got some cautionary tales from ladies who have taken it too far and are now paying the price. I also got some reassurance that its ok to fancy othe people..... Although the boundaries of how far you can 'fancy' someone else became confused.

I fail to believe that no faithful loving husbands or wives have ever fantasised about someone else during a shag.... I'm sorry, I just don't. I see your point hope that this makes it very real for me but when I'm full of sexual energy after an afternoon working closely with him I feel really horny. I know that sounds rather teen-like but I do. My way of dealing with that is to go home and shag dh.... He enjoys it, I enjoy it and the physical intimacy between us is nice. Yes, I start off thinking about this other guy but as soon as dh starts talking dirty or making general sex noises I know it's him (!) and am back in the zone with him! I don't know how else to get rid of that sexual energy aside from release and would rather use it on dh than alone by myself.

I find it quite insulting that people think its inevitable that I am going to sleep with him. It was not something I ever truly wanted, nor thought would happen and the reason I started this thread wasn't to find ways to not shag him (I do have some self control) but to find ways of diffusing a crush and sexual tension.... That is very different.

If dh found out then yes it would be hard. He'd leave me I'm sure. Or maybe not. But either way, it would be a horrible thing to do to him. Dh's reaction isnt my motivation to not do this though. Its my personal beliefes and morals. I dont want to have an affair because i dont want to have an affair, not because it would hurt dh. (of course i dont want to hurt dh but thats not my primary reason). I'm sure some posters will have a field day with that comment! Its about behaving in a way which i am proud of. Dh hasn't been an angel in our marriage but to my knowledge (and I'm confident in saying this) he has always been faithful. As an aside professionally it would be a disaster (seen it many times) so I don't want to go there for that added reason.

As most people have acknowledged though, I have a choice. There's no walking past each others desks as we both have private offices but I can remain focused, professional and keep all the conversation work related. In the main it has been to this point... He brought up his wife the other night and was a bit whiny about her so I totally stuck up for her saying "oh I'm just the same, it's like that when you have DCs, I think all mums of young kids are the same" as i felt bad for this woman that she was being (albeit subtly) bad mouthed while he was out having a good time and basically following me round the pub (as I kept making excuses to go and talk to other groups of people).

I found out yesterday he has to come to work today as we have had a quality issue on one of our products and are having a big recall....a Drama which he will have to oversee. So I will be seeing him today anyway. Having not seen him for a week with a bit of luck I'll think "what was the fuss all about?".

Look let's get real, we all have fantasies and crushes and I bet your husband does too so ignore those posters who want you to give yourself a jolly good beating. You can't force yourself to stop thinking about him because it wont work - you enjoy it too much. What I would say though is that if it's starting to take over your thoughts and affect your relationship then you need to restrict it. Only think about him just before you go to sleep - the rest of the day focus on enjoying time with your husband. Ask yourself how much you know about this man really and whether it's him or the attention he gives you that you love. I firmly believe that familiarity breeds contempt - if you do end up doing the project with him then get to know him as much as you can and I can guarantee that you will discover something that will kill the fantasy - he likes painting toy wizards, he has Cheryl Cole'd face tatooed on his bum or he doesn't pull his weight in projects - whatever it is that pricks your bubble and you will be so glad you never crossed that line and stayed devoted to your lovely hubbie.

I agree with the people who say tell your husband being the best way to defuse it. I think it's the only way to be honest, apart from having sex with this person and then thinking Oh Shit.

Charbon's post was so good. It's true and I think often the people who are most in danger are those who say "never, never, never". They very violently disapprove, think even fantasising is betrayal, and so on. Because what happens? When a crush comes a long they think - I'm not the type to do that, I disapprove, I'm not indulgent like that - therefore with me, in this case, it MUST be love. Because I'm not like that, I'm not someone who'll go with anyone, it must be real love. Therefore I'm allowed to sleep with this bloke.

In other words, no one is immune, not even the moral high-grounders, but the people who are most able to protect themselves have a robust and realistic and pragmatic idea aboit their own sexuality as Charbon quite rightly points out.

Was thinking about this from a work perspective. TBH I'd find it a bit odd if a new hire was not wanting to work on a particular project or was considering resigning (as some posters recommended up-thread) due to a work-place crush.

I think you'll be fine OP. Him starting to slag off his wife is classic...he is probably doing the 'my wife doesn't understand me' thing and trying it on with you but you know that and are defusing it. Keep up the professionalism at work. You've already seen that he's not as great as all that. Attractive as he is, he's also playing the stereotypical married man who moans about 'her indoors' and chats up the new woman.

No-one can police your thoughts, fantasies and attractions. And you are always in control...it's always up to you.

I reckon you see it for what it is. You've got a new job. You've got a sexy new colleague. Everything is new, exciting and great. DH is just part of your normal, everyday 'before new job' life. Don't worry.....your job will become normal and everyday after a while...and so will your colleague. The net effect so far is that your sex life with your DH is better so you have an outlet for your lust...and presumably as long as he can't read your mind, everyone's happy.

I'm not saying don't be careful....but I definitely don't think that you're betraying your DH so far. And I do think that you can choose to keep it that way. If you remember that these things don't 'just happen', you choose what you do. You know it would be a disaster to actually have sex with him for both professional and personal reasons and in reality the sex wouldn't be any better than the fantasy sex you're already having with DH anyway.

One big difference here than in many cases is that you don't fancy your husband much at all. This leaves you way more vulnerable I think. Simply finding other men attractive is (to me) normal and part of work if you work with lots of men (as I do) but having an attractive husband really counters that and I do think if there is a lack of sexual spark in your marriage you need to be more careful than if not.

everybody goes through times when they don't fancy their spouse! tis normal. Always good to have a fireproof strategy that swings into action well in advance of things getting too hot and getting on dodgy ground. Or as fireproof as possible, anyway, as imo no-one is immune. If someone needs to leave their marriage then fair enough - but not for an affair pulease. It's such a tacky way to do things.

Is it really a usual thing for people to fantasise about someone else when having sex with their spouse? I'm amazed. I have never done it. It would be like fantasising about lasagne when you're eating curry. I just wouldn't be able to get my head around it; aside from the betrayal of it, that is.

I think I'd use the sexual tension and throw it back into my marriage, make a huge fuss of my husband and refocus as him as the object of my desire.

I too am flabagasted that it is considered o.k. to be thinking about someone else and not the person you are with. Are you telling me that this is o.k. ? Seriously ? Not unusual? The norm? I have never done it. it would sadden me to think that people think that this is o.k.