I have a crush, I think it's mutual. We're both married.

[idontwantthiscrush]

Namechanged as known on here in RL.

Looking for genuine practical advice here.

Started a new job 3 months ago and was instantly attracted to a colleague. I expected at the time that he felt the same. Over the past 3 months we have had to work closely together and the sexual tension is crazy. I cannot remember such intense physical attraction with such physical effects, in fact I think I have only had it with 2 or 3 guys In my life (dh is not one of them).

The last month with the work colleague has been the worst. Nothing has been said but I am pretty sure we both feel the same. It's ridiculous crazy chemistry and I just want to do things to him that I know I shouldn't want to.

We are both married and both have 2 young DCs.

So far I have handled this by being totally professional all the time, only going on work events which I really have to (I.e. not seeing him outside work) and when I have had to go I've driven so I wouldn't let any inhibititions go and end up flirting or suchlike. I am trying to invest my sexual and flirtatious energy into my marriage (which has become a bit stale) and also remember that this guy from work has a family, a wife, and probably farts and leaves his cups on top of the dishwasher just like mine does.

The problem is I cannot stop thinking about him. I DO NOT want to act on it. Well, I do in my sexual fantasies but its not a road I want to go down in RL AT ALL.

I've been telling myself for weeks just to get him out of my head and focus on the DCs and DH and how lucky I am with them. I feel like such a teenage fool being a married woman who fancies a colleague.

I know I sound like a muppet but I wondered if anyone has ever experienced this, and what you did to get rid of the crush/tension.

The obvious answer is to leave my job but I was looking for 8months for this job and opportunities in my industry are rare where I live. We can't pay the mortgage without my salary. I also can't work any less with this guy.

Even reading this back I am embarrassed by myself.

I think some of this is because you don't find your husband sexually attractive and some of it is because you're having a love affair with yourself being back at work.

Tackle the easier bits first. Recognise that at least some of this is situational and that if you'd met this man in another setting (e.g a 'mum' setting) the chemistry probably wouldn't have been there. Recognise too that there would be three barriers to cross in your personal values if you choose to act - departing from your own ethics and values, deceiving and hurting your husband and getting involved with a married man.

If you can honestly say that the chemistry was never there with your husband and you chose to suppress your libido in exchange for other benefits from your marriage, recognise that for the choice it was, regret it and deal with it. You can either choose to continue life with a man you don't fancy and suppress your libido forever more, choose to prop that side of yourself up with occasional affairs that will cause harm to yourself and others - or make a decision that a marriage without sexual attraction isn't fair on anyone, least of all yourself.

madameovary thank you so much for that post. It does make a lot of sense, and charbons comment about me being in love with me back at work was interesting too. I can understand what you're both says very clearly.

I wouldn't say I am not attracted to dh, I just don't have that intense sizzling loins burning feeling... I do enjoy sex with him though. I probably need to put some more effort into it though as its very.... Missionary - whereas I can imagine myself doing all manner of things to work colleague. I should buck up my ideas and get dirty with dh really.

hebetrayedme I'm sorry for what you are going through. I read those threads all the time and that's probably why I am so acutely aware of my feelings and why I don't want to have some 'harmless fun' - cause it never is harmless, or fun in the end. I haven't specifically read your thread but I hope things are improving for you in some way.

betternamechange thanks for telling your cautionary tale. I really feel for you being in this situation now. There is nothing worse than feeling trapped. I know people slate OW on here but as lots of people have said everyone is human. Try not to beat yourself up too much.

Got some strategies to get me through next week at least! Perhaps talking about how I'm slouching around in faded old PJs at 7.30pm will be a good start.

I'm glad it's not that unusual to fancy other blokes though!

I wouldn't say I am not attracted to dh, I just don't have that intense sizzling loins burning feeling... I do enjoy sex with him though. I probably need to put some more effort into it though as its very.... Missionary

What do you expect from a very long term relationship. This is a very selfish attitude, which is all to do with what the other partner is not offering you, and which for some reason you deserve.

I think you are giving less to your relationship than your partner, and that is a possible cause of the problem.

You also seem to expect the first three months of the relationship feeling- lut and new excitement- to run and run. It wont. It never does. OM, if you did start something with him, would cease to make you feel like that too after a few months.

I think you need to wean yourself from the teen phase of relationships, and that might help.

Sorry if I sound judgemental, I am not wishing to be, but to me it does shout out from your posts that that is what you are looking for.

I've had this happen to me a couple of times. I think it's because I married young and just get curious about who else I might have met if not for DH. There's nothing wrong with feeling attracted to people, we're all human, the hurtful bit is acting on it. I have never acted on it because being faithful in a marriage is a vow. That means its not a choice that you make once on your wedding day and forget, it's a choice that you make, actively, every time you meet anyone even vaguely attractive. I remind myself of this regularly.
There's nothing wrong with my DH, he's sexy and considerate etc, but having DC and work and family responsibilities can dull the spark to say the least and we've had our ups and downs. I think a lot of attraction to other people is fantasy - I find when I start feeling this way towards someone, I can stop it by imagining how hurt DH would be if I were to act on them - I really picture it in detail, then all of a sudden the attraction seems tawdry and I lose the rose-tinted specs. Hope this helps - you CAN get through this and continue to work, you just need to keep on as you are doing and not act on it. It may take months to go away though......

I understand that leaving the job and/or creating distance isn't feasible. So, you need to distance yourself emotionally (which I know you know!)

Try and imagine that you have taken things further. That it has been totally reciprocated and a full blown fling is taking place. Now imagine your DH finding out. How would you feel? What would his reactions be? What do you stand to lose? Imagine all of that. Then ask yourself if it's worth it.

I do sympathise and hope your feelings abate for you

Name changed also. I too have a cautionary tale. Same thing happened to me and I did act upon it. I consider myself a nice person but what I did was despicable. And I could have stopped it, so many times I told myself I would never act upon it. But I was like a moth to a flame and the line was crossed.

Anyway, my husband found out about the affair and my whole world collapsed. It was so messy and painful and my husband was devastated. Somehow, we managed to piece everything back together and we are now 2 years down the line. Was the 'amazing' sexual chemistry worth it? Of course not. I have destroyed my DH's ability to trust and his peace of mind. I hope that one day he will trust me again.

I still have to work with OM (although not directly) and it's hellish. His wife has no clue I believe. And I hate that I did that to her. That her life is a lie.

I was an OW for a while - a part of my life that I'm not at all proud of apart from having survived and moved on
Try to focus on one thing at a time - I would agree that your feelings for this man at work are a symptom of your 'boredom' (for want of a better word) with your husband, especially when you have an exciting new job...
Have a good think about what you really want from life - if you really don't want to be with your husband anymore, leave him ok, I know it's not that simple really But don't use this man as an escape route - it is likely to be a complicated journey! Good luck x

Thanks, all really good points. I don't know if dh and I can go the distance but if we can't I don't want it to be because I shagged a colleague. I'll just keep working on things at home.

Thanks for all the advice and cautionary tales.

I don't think having a crush is necessarily indicative of problems in your marriage. You're prob excited about your new job and this guy is part of that.

You always have the choice not to have an inappropriate relationship with him which would destroy your marriage.
I have crushes fairly often. Never act on them. Sometimes tell other people and make a joke about it and that seems to help defuse it. Or one time just had a friendship at work with the guy and never took it out if the office and eventually the lust turned to more of a friendship. I enjoy having crushes. It's a bit of fun, good fantasy material and makes work more interesting. I know I'm not going to do anything about it though.

As well as your marriage I tend to think that you as the woman, but also the new person, would come out badly if an affair were to be discovered. It's better professionally IME to be sexually unavailable. Might sound sexist or old fashioned but I think still these days if you sleep with colleague you take risks re power and politics in workplace. Esp if they are a close colleague.

Just enjoy your new job and maintain barriers with your crush. Often the fantasy is better than the reality would be anyway. Good luck.

Well done for doing everything possible on a practical level. Keep up the barriers, keep them rigid. Don't relax them, not for a second. This is not bigger than you or something you have no power over. I wouldn't advise making it known because ime that acts as rocket fuel, making it nigh impossible to hold back. Look for another job, just look to see what's out there.

I am pissed off to hear of eg 'email flirtations' because imo that's where affairs start and it pisses me off that people can be disengenuous about what they're doing. If you choose to walk a specific way to the photocopier you are leaving a window open, don't kid yourself otherwise.

I don't think crushes indicate there is something wrong with the marriage either. Crushes are ten a penny imo. It is unrealistic to expect our marriage to cater for all our needs over all the years of a marriage. Marriages are living, breathing things which flux and change but it's commitment that keep them on track and alive, even through the dull or gruesome times. You can't expect marriage to zing right the way along the line.

When I am in a similar position (many times!) I consciously put in breakers, like breakers in the sea that protect the shore from the onslaught of the waves. during my most recent crush, events conspired that I told him off, really sharply, and his ardour switched off like a light. I remember him fondly but I am heartily glad that the power went out of the dynamic between us - men don't like a harpy LOL. The obvious solution is to get away from the situation by trying to see what's in the job market (you only need the one job!). Also do some work on your marriage eg marriage courses etc. A solid, dependable husband is not to be sneezed at imo.

I too know what it is to have a crush. Remember you may be misinterpreting him though. I have another angle to think about: is your husband pleased and excited about your new job? Or is he perhaps not as excited about it as you are (is he maybe even a teensy bit jealous?)? If so, this could be fanning the flames, especially if your colleague clearly values your work.

I have a long-term crush on a colleague. I don't work so closely with him now and the initial electricity has worn off. Although I know what gap he's filling in my life (that's a whole other story!) I keep asking myself what gap in his life am I filling? I know quite a lot about him and his family and I just can't see that he is as needy as me - so I remind myself that perhaps I'm not as special to him as he is to me. In the end, frankly, I'd be happy for his friendship, but that's a reflection on my situation. Your circumstances are not mine. Good luck sorting this out. Staying professional is the way to go.

I had a brief fling with a man I met overseas on business and posted about it on here. I am not proud of any of it and if you read my thread you can see what people said about me and how I would be viewed if any of it came out. Reading these comments did help me a lot. I slept with the OM only twice and although there has been brief contact I have not seen him again and am trying to come to terms with the fact that I won't see him again, and I have broken my marriage vows, etc. I have been married for 20 years. My take is that it isn't all about the sex but the comment about being in love with yourself back at work resonates with me.
Even if you have a good sex life with your husband it cannot ever compare with the excitement of having someone else look at you in that way. My sex life with my husband is quite adventurous and very satisfying, he has pushed the boundaries and I have enjoyed opening up that side of my life. We have sex fairly regularly and it is satisfying and enjoyable. It cannot ever, however, be the same as the sheer novelty of someone else wanting you. In my case, this was so overwhelming I did act on it. I am thankful that the OM lives overseas so the opportunity to continue this doesn't exist, although I still think about him almost all of the time and find it very very difficult to get these feelings out of my head (after about 3 months)

Sorry I don't have many answers to your dilemma but just empathizing.

Oh scorpio I can feel your pain. I had a fling with an overseas guy once - we were both single so different circumstances - but the geography just adds to it doesn't it. In the end I realised that as this guy was abroad and I didn't really know him I had just created this amazing guy - when in reality he was just a normal bloke and probably so wrong for me. I take it your DH isn't aware of the fling? The "being in love with myself at work" comment definitely resonated with me a lot.

emess dh is really really happy about my job and that I am fulfilled at work again - but I do wonder if he finds it hard that I am chattering away excitedly about a place and people he knows nothing about.

hopespringy - your post also reassured me. I hope me and dh can get a spark back but also as you say a solid dependable supportive husband is not to be sneered at.

loving I agree so much that shagging around at work is professional suicide. I have never had a work fling and don't want it to start now.

Still feeling bad though as I'm not looking forward to work this week as he's on holiday so no-one sexy to look at!

I think a lot of the problem is that women are socialised to think that if they fancy sex and romance with someone new, there must be latent unhappiness in their main relationships. Society still judges women for having sex without love and so the discourse is that she will only want sex with someone else if her love needs are not being met. The women who make better sense of these messy crushes and affairs are those who reject that patriarchical bollocks and acknowledge those aspects of their personalities that are attracted to thrill-seeking, new adventures and the buzz a new relationship opportunity presents.

Once you view this situation through that lens, it can help you to almost take the piss out of yourself and realise this is just you being a bit self-indulgent and seeking a few ego-strokes and that it doesn't mean your relationship is crap or that you and the OM are star-crossed lovers who are meant-to-be.

Women so often re-package their shame at wanting new sexual adventures as deep unhappiness and unmet needs because that's more acceptable to themselves and society which judges them. It's not shameful to accept that side of your personality, acknowledge it and make an adult decision not to give into it. It's far more shameful to act on those desires, inflict a world of hurt on lots of people including oneself and then wail that you were so unhappy you were driven to it. If unhappiness exists, there are always other choices.

perfect post Charbon

ime of crushes I am heartily relieved when they 'go on holiday for a week' so I get a break and can settle down and shore up my resolve. Less of the 'having someone sexy to look at' eh? Get serious sweetie, this is serious stuff.

Very good post chandon.

One way to burst the bubble is to tell your DH that you fancy your colleague.

I had a mad crush on someone at work when I went back after hmmmm 18 years or so. Plus I looked good in a suit (never worked in a place that needed them before) so yes, definately identify with loving yourself.

Was amazed that he seemed interested back (much younger and gorgeous imo). However he was a computer geek so only visited the office occasionally and I realised that we could hardly of been more ill matched. Still think he was gorgeous to look at but the crush fizzled out.

So I think just hang on in there idontwantthiscrush, tell yourself you'll give it another say, 3 months, before making any commitment and see how you feel then. It will probably have passed.

Ditto charnon great post. This thread has definitely helped me see this crush and the potential mutual feelings for what it is and not feel guilty for having it....

hopespringy - it cold be the way things come across when typed by
But do i sense a slightly sarcastic undertone to your get serious sweetie comment? by saying there wouldn't be anyone sexy to look at I was genuinely trying to make light of it and take it for what it might be, just someone attractive in the office, rather than getting all het up and guilty that I have these feelings.

It seems much easier to admit (to myself) that actually I do fancy someone but I am making the choice not to do anything about it. Rather than feelingnreally bad for having sexual feelings for someone else. Colleague is always the one coming by my desk or suggesting lunches and I am constantly feeling guilty that I want to go, rather than feeling good about the fact I am choosing to say no and choosing to keep the relationship out of the office. we have a project coming up where we probably will have to be out of the office a lot together so I must just keep ferreting to this thread.

God, sometimes mums net can be the perfect therapy. Thank you so so much for everyone for your advice,

Choosing to keep the relationship IN the office Is what I meant!,

Referring to this thread - not ferreting...

Just painted nails and typing on phone aren't a good combo!

And yes, if I typed like this at work I wouldn't have a job to worry about....

"please ferret to my proposal of 14th September"

Haha

Great post Charbon.

My dp is a lovely, lovely man - thoughtful, kind, loving, honest, adventurous, but when we got together I wasn't madly lusting after him, and still don't. However sex is deeply satisfying, and warm and loving and considerate (and sometimes adventurous). I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

But a few years ago I knew that 2 things were going on in my life - one was feeling a bit bored with dp and the other was feeling a bit sparky about a man at work - big intellectual connection overlaid with quite a lot of lust. I don't really know whether the 2 were related, or whether they were just occurring at the same time.

I agree totally with Charbon about not feeling 'shameful' about any of these feelings, and I did take practical steps to deal with both sides.

With dp I had my 'deliberate love' strategy, which was all about actively doing things that made me feel loving towards him - so thinking about a day when he had to work late, imagining how tired he would feel and then thinking how nice it would be for him if he arrived home to smell a beef casserole in the oven (rather than being resentful that he was late again and that it should have been his turn to cook). Not becoming a stepford wife or anything like that, just focusing less on me. And in return his love and appreciation made me feel more loving towards him, and emotionally closer, and more able to talk about what I needed from him. And I suppose he felt more able to offer it.

With the 'lust interest' I had an anti-lust plan.... A psychotherapist once spoke about his technique to break client-therapist attraction, which was for him to speak about vomiting. Disgusting, I know, but that's the whole point, it breaks the dream state with a repulsive image and re-establishes a real perspective. So during some conversation about health, I asked 'lust-interest' a question about being sick. He responded in some detail. It did the trick!

Fab post venus - good strategies on both sides. Funny, not having seen colleague for a good few days now it seems a lot less intense. I am going to concentrate on all the advice I have been given re: my dh and employ the rest when I see colleague next week..... Given we both have young DCs a conversation about vomit won't be too unrealistic to get to!

Been having quite a lot of sex with DH lately - but I keep picturing the colleague when we're doing it. I've never really fantasised about anyone else so feel quite guilty about it.... But I guess it's ok as I am using the excitement of the feeling of someone new wanting me, without actually going there..... Still feel bad about it though, as if I am betraying dh...

not sarcastic but annoyed. It's a serious situation and making light of lusting after someone when you are very close to taking that disastrous step is not the way to go. while you have to give yourself some space it can't be too much space - imo you can't give yourself space to enjoy it. You are a step away from doing something which causes unbelievable pain to innocent family members caught up in it; while the loved-up couple skip off enjoying themselves. So forgive me if I don't indulge you on your light-hearted comments about eye candy. YOu are too close to this to be light-hearted. It's a serious situation.

It's horses for courses really. Personally I find the 'eye candy' approach works fine. I don't beat myself up for finding someone attractive. I just control myself. Have never done anything I regret using this approach. If you can't trust yourself not to attempt to have sex with every person you are attracted to though then by all means turn to a method of self-flagellation instead.

Before having a go at OP recognise that she hasn't done anything to hurt her family or anyone else. And she's looking for advice because she doesn't want to do that...and personally from what she's written so far, I believe that she won't cross any boundaries and everyone will be fine.