I have a crush, I think it's mutual. We're both married.

[idontwantthiscrush]

Namechanged as known on here in RL.

Looking for genuine practical advice here.

Started a new job 3 months ago and was instantly attracted to a colleague. I expected at the time that he felt the same. Over the past 3 months we have had to work closely together and the sexual tension is crazy. I cannot remember such intense physical attraction with such physical effects, in fact I think I have only had it with 2 or 3 guys In my life (dh is not one of them).

The last month with the work colleague has been the worst. Nothing has been said but I am pretty sure we both feel the same. It's ridiculous crazy chemistry and I just want to do things to him that I know I shouldn't want to.

We are both married and both have 2 young DCs.

So far I have handled this by being totally professional all the time, only going on work events which I really have to (I.e. not seeing him outside work) and when I have had to go I've driven so I wouldn't let any inhibititions go and end up flirting or suchlike. I am trying to invest my sexual and flirtatious energy into my marriage (which has become a bit stale) and also remember that this guy from work has a family, a wife, and probably farts and leaves his cups on top of the dishwasher just like mine does.

The problem is I cannot stop thinking about him. I DO NOT want to act on it. Well, I do in my sexual fantasies but its not a road I want to go down in RL AT ALL.

I've been telling myself for weeks just to get him out of my head and focus on the DCs and DH and how lucky I am with them. I feel like such a teenage fool being a married woman who fancies a colleague.

I know I sound like a muppet but I wondered if anyone has ever experienced this, and what you did to get rid of the crush/tension.

The obvious answer is to leave my job but I was looking for 8months for this job and opportunities in my industry are rare where I live. We can't pay the mortgage without my salary. I also can't work any less with this guy.

Even reading this back I am embarrassed by myself.

Dear OP, I am delighted to find your thread, I am in exactly the same position as you. Married with kids, lovely but grumpy DH and run my own business. I have recently begun to advise someone and work with them closely, he is ten years older than me and very successful in business but hoping to launch himself into the industry where I am considered a bit of an expert (I should be - I've worked in it for twenty years).

He has told me how much of a connection he made with me instantly, he has been kind and complimentary and yes, quite flirtatious and 'twinkly-eyed' when we chat. Guys have 'crushed' on me fairly regularly over the years believe it or not - it has never been reciprocated and mostly I am really good at defusing things into friendship. I am under no illusions where these crushes stem from - I can help their exposure in a notoriously difficult industry and for a lot of men it is about control and power, there is no attraction to me personally and I am very aware of that.

Embarrassingly, for the first time ever I find I have developed a massive crush on this man. He has obviously raved about me to his wife (and to other people who have repeated it back to me) and I have chatted pleasantly to her on the phone a couple of times. I met her for the first time at a trade event over the weekend (she was with with him), I get the impression I was a bit younger than she expected and obviously I was all glammed up. She got a bit frosty and left without saying goodbye and I think she is now deeply suspicious of me, he managed a few quick words before he left to go after her.

It is just a relief to read the stories of other people in similar situations, nothing is ever going to happen with this guy but I am going to indulge my little fantasies for a bit longer, even if for no other reason than I have dropped half a stone in two weeks!

Your client's wife's a smart cookie then isn't she? I doubt her reaction had anything to do with what you looked like or your age; it was probably more that she noticed the vibe between you and her husband.

It's good to see a post from a woman with such high self-esteem though. Rather counters the myth that only women with low self esteem get crushes on married men.

I would not tell your hubby. Would you mind if he confessed to having a crush on someone at his work?

I think that it could be problematic as not all people see sex in the same way. In particular some men may feel that the desire is so strong that anyone confessing to having a crush is bound to stray.

The thinking is that to share it with your partner is to take the mystery/secret out of it, to let the air out. It usually deflates pretty rapidly after telling your spouse, mainly because crushes thrive on secrecy/fantasy.

Some men find it erotic to hear their partners fantasising about other men.... just saying...

< arf >@ Beth

what, fantasising emotionally, Loving? That wouldn't be very erotic. If just sexually then that's porn, people as objects to use.

crushes/affairs aren't sophisticated, though they can seem it at the time. Big, age-old, con imo.

Fantasising within a relationship is not the same as affairs springy?

Sheesh, can we have no ruddy fun at all?!?!?

I fantasise about people I don't even find attractive...they just appear in my thoughts and I'm sometimes actually quite surprised...sometimes almost appalled at how bad my id's taste is. Is this supposed to happen?
I'm not sure what fantasising emotionally is though...I've not really tried that!

OP. I've not read the whole thread so have no idea if you are currently justifying this crush, have acted upon it or what other advice you have been given. Yes I am lazy but I saw a bunfight on the last 3 pages and decided therefore to respond to your OP only.

You will only take this advice if you want to, I am well aware of that. For all I know your motivations might have been to justify going further in some way. If not, then I'm sure you have already acted on the advice given so here's a little more.

We all go through periods of not fancying our partners. Mine happened just after we moved back from France. I was unhappy at moving back, I hated where we lived, it was cliquey and harsh yet dh seemed to be happy there. I resented him because we had moved back and resented his happiness. So our marriage was going stale but without either of us really realising it as these things don't happen overnight.

A new guy started where I worked. He was younger than me, very attractive, very physically fit. All the women fancied him and flirted openly with him so I therefore kept my distance. He started to confide in me about the other women, he would make jokes about their flirting and we would eye roll at each other. We became friends. I knew I was attracted to him and I thought he felt the same. I would make a cup of tea and he would be there next to me. He asked me to go to the pub with him, he would implore me to attend work dos so that I could sit with him, etc.

I now realise that he didn't fancy me at all. He saw me as a confidant, a friend. Luckily I didn't embarrass myself into making any moves and it's only a couple of years later (he moved away and so did I) that I can look back and see that situation for what it was. He went out with very pretty, young girls. I was married with 2 kids and almost 10 years older than him. Of course he didn't fancy me! He just liked being around me as a friend and because I didn't openly flirt, because I stayed professional he thought I felt the same way.

It's possible this is what is happening with your guy. Because you are professional he feels he can safely maintain a relationship with you?

Anyway, it took a while for me to realise that I did actually love dh just as much. I fell in love with him because he was different. He is the strong silent type who doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve but is a loyal friend, well respected by those who know him, kind and generous, intelligent, a dry sense of humour and quite philosophical. What helped was that we went to stay with his parents for a few weeks and we met up with old friends. When I saw how he was around them it was like I had my old dh back again. I realised we had both changed around each other. We had a heart to heart and I found that I still fancied him.

Think back to what first attracted you to your dh. Do you still see that in him? If not, why not? Could you not invite a few old friends round? Have you changed in your attitude towards him?

Sometimes you can get it back yourself and sometimes you need outside help. But remember that you fell in love with this man, so much so that you married him and had his children. Those men who fulfilled you sexually didn't give you what you ultimately yearned for. Your dh has become silently sidelined whilst you follow lustful instincts, but do you not think that his companionship, his loyalty and his love count for something? Is that not sexy in itself?

These feelings you have will pass. Yes it does help if you can put distance between you but otherwise, ask to see a picture of his kids so that you can see the people you would directly hurt. Carry around a picture of yours too as these are the ones who would suffer the most should you indulge in anything like this. Remember that your dh is part of your children and they are part of him. This other man has played no part in your lives so why allow him to ruin everything you have?

Hope that helps a bit.

Been there, nearly done that. And him. But I stepped back in time.

Am now trying to reconcile with H after his affair. I can't tell you the pain I have been through. unless you hate your H with a passion and want to hurt him, don't go there. Please.

What to do? In fact I did leave my job. If that isn't an option with you, talk to your crush, tell him it has to stop. Tell your H. Getting things out in the open tends to blow the fairy dust off them.

Yes it might help looking at this from another perspective. Put your dh in your colleagues place. He has sexual frisson that he's never had with you before, but with a work colleague. She feels the same way. How would you feel OP? You say your marriage is stale, perhaps your dh feels the same way. Perhaps you don't make the earth move for him either. Perhaps he's had better shags? Sorry to be blunt but sometimes we think the world centres around us when in fact it doesn't. Do you think it's fair for you to get your rocks off whilst your dh carries on in a stale marriage?

He deserves as much happiness as you do and if you don't think that your sex life is up to much then you can sure as hell bet that he feels the same way.

I think THERhubarb has a very valid point. It is all about you and your feelings at the moment how would you feel if it was your husband doing the fantasising.
If you would not care your marriage is in trouble.
I keep my fantasising to a certain singer so it is never going to be a reality but it is nice to have people in real life that you find attractive. It makes you feel more alive.

Sheesh, can we have no ruddy fun at all?!?!?

my fantasy man of the moment is simon baker, of mentalist fame. Pretty gorg imo. I must be honest, though, I don't fantasise about him sexually. It may sound lame, but he's married, so not mine or potentially mine (not that I'd necessarily have a chance anyway...). I am intermittently powerfully attracted to RL people (not celebreties); people I can't 'have'. I chew the carpet a bit, am helplessly caught by the scruff of the neck and shaken about, but I purposefully don't go, or resist going, there in my head. What would be the point? I don't enjoy wondering what it would be like because I want it for real. Fantasising about it would be like sniffing a fabulous meal when I'm hungry but not actually eating it. I could fake eat it but that wouldn't be satisfying or nutritious, it would be frustrating. I want the real deal or nothing at all. I wait for it to pass (it does if I don't feed it, play around the edges of it, tinker with it, fantasise about it): I'm not going to have it so I'm not going to keep it on a delicious boil - unsatisfactory to invest a lot of time and energy into something that is fruitless, literally isn't going to bear any fruit. And that's aside from anyone I may be betraying in the process, whether they know it or not - the potential acute, staggering pain just isn't worth it. I get a huge boost from being found attractive by someone in RL: I take the compliment but I don't go anywhere near it in my head if they and/or I aren't available. All very well to be rational about it, admittedly, but I have learnt all this shit the hard way and it certainly does lose its gloss and make one circumspect.

I'm feeling bad about calling you a fake OP - please accept my apologies. I felt angry, my fuse was lit, at the jeering that was going on towards another poster. it was bullying imo and I really didn't like that, but it didn't warrant calling you a fake. Humble apologies.

If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, there was no jeering. A poster was telling other people how they should be in their relationships and that's not on.

With fantasising, everyone has to work within what their own boundaries are. For me personally, it doesn't represent any of the threats you refer to above but then again, it's just an occasional thing so why would it?

I think the boundaries around this are universal, though. Even incorporating where someone may be coming from emotionally - there are grades of vulnerability eg life changes/disatisfactions - imo the sexual impulse is extremely powerful and to deny that, or think you can control it, is to put yourself (oneself) in harm's way.

so many bloody cliches with this topic!

It depends on what other boundaries you've put in place. For example DH and I made no vows to each other... but we did make an undertaking that neither of us would do anything to jeopardise our children's happiness and stability. There are a few main things that fall under that heading. Once you've made a decision like that, everything flows from it.

For me personally, I'm not afraid of having crushes or fantasising about people in RL; for me personally, it's a very normal and controllable thing once you keep your eye on the ball. It helps that I got a lot of the mad stuff out of my system when i was younger so for me, a sexual connection with someone is based only on lust.... nice, but fleeting...

Feeling pretty good about everything tonight!

Over the weekend I imagined what it would be like if I was having a fling with him. I didn't imagine it sexually but I looked at my dh and ds and imagined how totally shit I'd feel. When I have been at work this week I looked at him an imagined I was shagging him on the sly. It felt shit, not even a bit exciting but I felt like a fucking bitch for his wife and looked at picture of his beautiful boys and felt guilty as sin.

Weirdly during the course of this week I also noticed his hair is really greasy (dh doesn't use anything), his nails are horrible, the sort that are part long and part chewed and have dirt under them - gross (my dh has amazing strong but soft and and hands!) he also has really slopy shoulders and a small paunch (my dh has lovely broad shoulders and an enviably flat tummy) and worst of all when we had to huddle 6 of us in a tiny meeting room I noticed the faintest (but definitely there) whiff of BO!!!

rhubarb your post was great - I had a frank chat with dh who agreed we need to spice up our sex life. Young kids has made us lazy.

Im sure I will have other crushes and I can't promise to never fantasise about another man, nor would I want to promise that. But this thread has been insightful, practical, emotional and amusing so thank you.

I still enjoy the banter with colleague but the tension has gone. Let's hope it stays away!

springy don't feel bad.

I noticed the faintest (but definitely there) whiff of BO

OMG!! Dealbreakah hon

Glad to hear it's nipped, your DH sounds much nicer :)

OOO yuk....you should have told us about the greasy hair and BO sooner...my advice for one would have been totally different. lol. All the best...glad you're over this hurdle! Good luck in your new job (and in spicing up your love life with DH!).

I didn't actually notice the BO till squished in a room last week... Nor did I notice th grease. Apparently lust is blind!

Hi, i totally see what you mean. My story goes: my husband met a new friend through work, Joakim, after some months of their friends I met him and felt sparks flying immediately. I am so very attracted to Joakim.
Anyway, i have no reason to believe he feels the same way. He is very polite and smiles and looks at me with attention, but maybe its just because they are friends and I am a wife. Of course, I like to imagine otherwise but trying to keep it real. The thing is I think about Joakim constantly. I dont know really what I want other than an evening alone with wine and some kissing with extras. I love my husband, we have a child Joakim has a family too. My feelings started 4 month ago and to be honest I am going crazy over the lust for him. He is just to smart and sexy. Ahhhh... question is how to tell him what i feel without actually saying it and how do i get to be alone with him??
Please do not judge, i just want to spend more time with him but afraid to ask directly, afraid of rejection.

This was started a year ago Crushonjoakim

Most useful Oscar Wilde quote ever: 'it is one thing to be tempted; quite another thing to fall'