Hubby leaving after Christmas..help me make a plan!

[goodenuffmum]

This is my first post so please help me think straight.

DH told me on Friday night he is leaving after Christmas. We split up 10 years ago for 8 months because his drinking got out of control following a cancer diagnosis. I asked him to leave after huge rows.

Things haven't been great for some time. He was miserable in his job as a chef and his 2 attempts at a catering business left us with debts (including an outstanding VAT bill of £22,000). He left catering and started in a job which is poorly paid in comparison and means that he has been working away most weeks.

But he was happy and me and the DC adapted.

I had to go back to work full time last year because of the changes in our circumstances and that has been hard because I have a health problem that makes it tough for me. But the DC are happy with the childminding I put in place so that's ok.

I guess it got tough for me 2 years ago when he started drinking again and began to get nasty. He left me in tears at a wedding and I left. It took 2 months for him to apologise and I haven't gone out with him as a couple since.

But we rubbed a long ok and so I thought this was married life.

He forgot my birthday last month and I was really angry. More so because he travelled 300 mile journey to make it to his mum's birthday 3 days beforehand.

He hasn't slept in our bed since then...but I was still shocked when he said he was leaving after he spends Christmas with the DC. He told my "best" friend when she called over 2 days later. They weren't close and I'm wondering if he was testing the waters with how the news would be received. She sent him a long text later. I got 1 saying "I'm shocked..I ll phone you later in the week"

I asked him today if this is what he wants because it's hard to go back once it's all started. He said he didn't and he loves me. I asked later on is he coming back to the bed because the DC are asking what is going on. He said he would.

But he didn't

Please tell me what to do.I know there are a lot of wise ladies. Who have been through this and survived...help!

Watch your ex Goodenuff. Men are good at keeping their eye on the ball re interests after kids- it is women who don't .

I think developing your boundaries for the future is a great idea. But getting out there a bit does allow you to make new friends and remember what fun is, and also connect with/explore what you are, other than a parent or partner. It could even be a typing or cake making class or something.

Also it will help you get the distance from the relationship and full time and help you to feel less isolated without him. It's a good model for the kids to follow later on.

And if you learn a new skill or get for or whatever it is, there a bonus. Or work off energy when you are furious and tested!

And you may make new friends too.

Just try one or two things and see what you like.

Filll time!

Thanks Ladies

onefewernow my counsellor was talking about my lack of boundaries. She called it my bottomline. My bottomline is my kids and showing them that you can survive independant and strong is one of the reasons I let him go.

I told her that I thought that was pathetic and she replied that it is a good starting point: I just need to raise the boundaries from there!

DHtotalknob Im sending you thoughts of support! I love your idea that just -looking- for what I might like to do is setting me on the right path. I've been feeling that something is wrong with me because I'm not overwhelmed with good ideas!

deste I'm gonna give the yoga a try

I too have never had time on my own. Always had caring responsibilities and children.

With ex I eventually got stuck in the habit of trying to ignore my feelings because they were so negative and there wasn't much that could be constructively done about them. Plus I was very very down so it was too painful to allow myself to feel much.

Since leaving I've become aware of how much I do ignore myself. I'd become in effect totally unimportant to myself. So finding out what I enjoy meant paying attention to my own feelings and allowing myself the time and resources to do stuff I like.

I'm practising at having some boundaries. It gets very frustrating that many people around me seem to mistake easygoing and amiable with pushover and mug. But at least it gives me the chance to hone being assertive! I think this sort of change takes months and years rather than weeks, until it just comes naturally.

*I'm interested in the buying a horse idea. I used to love riding as a kid

ElectricSheep,

I totally identify with ignoring the feelings part. Ex spent so much time telling me that I was wrong (eg he would tell me that all his friends go drinking without calling their wives and I was the only one who had a problem with it!) that I learned to second guess myself

I have gathered the courage to ask one of these much quoted wives if this was the case. She looked shocked and told me that if her dh did that he would find his clothes on the lawn when he came home!

I feel like Im going back to basics: what do I like, what makes me happy and even how do I know I am happy? . It's exhausting and Im finding that I am visibly emotional now where before I was able to detach when talking about things. Im hoping that's a sign I am going in the right direction?

Ex was the only person I have trusted in a long time and it turned out that it was misplaced trust. Im scared that I wil shut off and not risk trusting again

Yes, I think detaching and being able to sort of 'go cold' to order is technically known as disassociation, and is not a good thing as a way of living although it is a short term coping mechanism. Perhaps getting upset about things that are upsetting shows you are reconnecting to your feelings.

I think you're looking too far ahead re trusting again. You need to get happy and confident in yourself again first, then you'll probably feel that you could take that risk again.

How are your boys doing Good?

Thanks ElectricSheep,

The counsellor is very happy that I am feeling the whole range of feelings so I guess its a good thing!

So, Im going to focus on me and my boys

Short sentance big meaning!

My 13yr ds has agreed to speak to someone because he is angry at his d going. The 9 yr ds said he is happy to talk to me..he cried at the start but not in a few weeks.

Is there some common reactions kids go through?

I only know from my own experience... but I think anger is very common. After all from the DC's point of view their life is being changed yet they have no control over what happens. I also think with boys that they often express their sadness as anger because it's more macho to be angry than crying in their minds.

The other common thing I think is for children to often feel guilty and secretly feel that parental break up is their fault.

Do your DCs have grandparents that they see? Could they talk to your Ds? Or any other adults they know and trust? I think my Dc got a lot of support from their GP and talking to someone who knew us all but was that bit less involved helped them.

Have a good weekend Good Remember, do something nice for yourself.

ElectricSheep
when did you start to feel half normal again? Some days I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world around and others I feel I have courage and strength.

Oh yes - good days and bad days. I moved out mid-Nov and Christmas seemed a bit of turning point in retrospect. Might be all those choc highs .

Seriously, I think it was a good few months before I relaxed and about a year before it truly seemed normal. But that first year was the best ever in my life for me. I was just so happy to have finally brought it to an end and really enjoyed being independent and in charge of my destiny again. I got into doing up my house and garden, did lots of nice outings with DC, made sure we did all the things X used to complain about and enjoyed the freedom.