Hubby leaving after Christmas..help me make a plan!

[goodenuffmum]

This is my first post so please help me think straight.

DH told me on Friday night he is leaving after Christmas. We split up 10 years ago for 8 months because his drinking got out of control following a cancer diagnosis. I asked him to leave after huge rows.

Things haven't been great for some time. He was miserable in his job as a chef and his 2 attempts at a catering business left us with debts (including an outstanding VAT bill of £22,000). He left catering and started in a job which is poorly paid in comparison and means that he has been working away most weeks.

But he was happy and me and the DC adapted.

I had to go back to work full time last year because of the changes in our circumstances and that has been hard because I have a health problem that makes it tough for me. But the DC are happy with the childminding I put in place so that's ok.

I guess it got tough for me 2 years ago when he started drinking again and began to get nasty. He left me in tears at a wedding and I left. It took 2 months for him to apologise and I haven't gone out with him as a couple since.

But we rubbed a long ok and so I thought this was married life.

He forgot my birthday last month and I was really angry. More so because he travelled 300 mile journey to make it to his mum's birthday 3 days beforehand.

He hasn't slept in our bed since then...but I was still shocked when he said he was leaving after he spends Christmas with the DC. He told my "best" friend when she called over 2 days later. They weren't close and I'm wondering if he was testing the waters with how the news would be received. She sent him a long text later. I got 1 saying "I'm shocked..I ll phone you later in the week"

I asked him today if this is what he wants because it's hard to go back once it's all started. He said he didn't and he loves me. I asked later on is he coming back to the bed because the DC are asking what is going on. He said he would.

But he didn't

Please tell me what to do.I know there are a lot of wise ladies. Who have been through this and survived...help!

Well done for getting through the day - you'll manage, you'll see. You'll find hidden reserves you didn't even know you had. I am so pleased you have spoken to your RL friend too.

I second Al-Anon. They're amazing. I will go forever, even when I don't feel like I need it. Growing up in a drinking situation does something that lasts...
The strength I get from it I use in my relationship, with my family, at work, with strangers & with myself
Good luck!

If you can get through today, you can get through anything.

I know Hissy won't mind me saying this, but she is an ordinary woman who simply decided "enough was enough" and that is where her strength came from. (and turned herself into an extraordinary one, IMO..., but don't tell her I said that )

You could do it too.

I agree that he should leave now.

It is cruel of him to tell you he is leaving in a few months. It means he has also checked out of the marriage already.

I bet it is because he has a flat lined up with another woman, and they are taking the lease as of January 1st. Sorry.

When you speak to your solicitor/CAB, ensure you have all your financial details, regards to salaries, mortgage, and the debts he accrued in poor financial management of his business.

Yes, keep talking to your RL friends. Sounds like you have good 'uns. How about your family ...any support for you there ?

I am not sure that he has another woman actually.

But....I do wonder if he has his eye on someone or a friendship is getting closer. By telling you now, he can start a relationship with her and in his head (and if you question him) say that he had already split up with you so it wasnt cheating.

I agree that if he wants to leave then he can leave now. Protect yourself, sod him.

So sorry to hear what he's doing to you. I wouldn't normally post on a thread like this - others are better than me on the advice and there have been some really helpful posts for you. But I clicked on your thread because of the title and I just had to post because of the Christmas issue. Please please don't let him stay until then, for your DCs sake. My dad did this, about the same time of year, said he was waiting until after christmas and then left on boxing day. I can't think about christmas without reliving the whole thing, and it is nearly 20 years ago. It wasn't just a straightforward split, and many things conspire to make it this traumatic years later, but I would so rather be able to separate christmas from the equation. And I know it is the same for my mum. Just think of it as a christmas present for your DCs for every christmas to come.

Sorry if thinking about the 'christmas' part of all this comes across as trivial, I really don't mean it that way. Just from someone who has been a DC on the end of something like this, it just makes it harder to cope with later on.

I agree, weirdalien

he goes now, in dc's mind it has nothing to do with "xmas"

he is being cruel to drag it out until then

or controlling

more likely, controlling

he wants you to STFU about his alcoholism and the fact he is being a very poor husband and father

he probably wants to drink to his hearts content on the run up to the festive season, and little wifey be too scared to say anything

again, fuck that

Just popped back to check on you OP, i see you were found by the best of the best ladies :)

How are you today x

I was tempted to say tell him to get stuffed leaving after christmas but thought ah its 2 am and i might not be thinking about things right..lol

The strength IS us. We just forgot how strong we were.

I didn't leave the ex. Only in my head. In the days immediately before his first intended departure date, I was almost sick with fear (of the future without him etc etc) my throat literally frozen in the pain of all the unshed tears in the world. You know the pain you get when you're trying not to cry? Times a million.

In the end I visualised his leaving as a huge tidal wave, one that would envelope and crush me, would sweep me away into oblivion if I didn't stand strong.

So I did nothing! I stood strong, I 'let him go' it was the most freakish day of my life. I saw him unravel before my eyes. I didn't know this person.

It was actually the best thing that he could ever have sone, as I don't even see him as human anymore, I've never missed him. He doesn't frighten me anymore.

I stood on the shore, with my feet anchored in the fact that what I was doing was right, and true. I ffocussed on the kind of life I could have when free, the places I could go, the people I could see. The wave crashed, I stayed in position.

2 years on I'm happier than I have ever been in my 44 years. I couldn't have got here without Mumnset, AF in particular (but don't tell her eh?) and the lovely women I have come to know since those early days.

Believe in yourself, your future, stay strong, focussed and forgive yourself for everything, you've done nothing wrong.

Aw jeez, honey, what he's stelling you is a load of old cod designed to tug at your heartstrings and, as MF has said, effectively keep you in your place so that he can drink get away with whatever he wants till the festive season and beyond.

As he's got no plans to go anywhere at any time, I'm adding my voice to the ever-swelling choir that's singing the 'off you fuck NOW little turd' hymn so you and your dc can have the merry Christmas you deserve without Mr Drunken Attention Seeker casting a pall over your celebrations.

HissyByName I hadn't thought of 'standing strong and letting him go' as taking action iyswim? I've been trying to screw up the courage to kick him out (which is SO hard because I hate confrontation) because it would be me taking control.

But what if I just don't stop him?

I rang the counsellor and I have my assessment (whatever that is?) and I didnt even think about asking him to come?

That's good isn't it?

Then weirdalien made me thinK about the the DC and Christmas being ruined for them.

Now I'm back to square 1 .

I'm starting to think that I don't know how to take care of myself. How did I get to 41 and not know that?

I can't stop thinking..I feel like I'm going crazy..is this normal??

You can do it! Just take small steps.
See the counsellor.

Talk to CAB.

Find the names of some good solicitors and get free initial consults.

Get copies of bank statements, insurance policies etc. And ideally store those and other important documents (passport, certificates etc.) with a friend for a bit.
Find out a contact for Alanon.
Just one thing at a time. You will get there.

Thank you mummytime
baby steps is all I can handle at the minute
The joke is that I am responsible for helping other people sort their life out and I can't even sort my own!

Next step is to start finding out about a solicitor. God even writing it scares me...

Why don't I feel angry?
Will that come when I see the counsellor?
I am so fed up thinking all the damn time..

... I'm 44... So there you have it.

I didn't have the real strength to kick him out, oh I threatened it, got bin bags and stuffed his stuff in it... That really upset him! ;)

In the end I opted for letting him go.

Ok so Christmas is a crap time, but next year there will be another one, better than this year, and so on. You'll write your own script, your own happy ending, instead of the horror marathon that this is now.

If standing still, watching him leave means you're free? Grab it with both hands.

You do what you can do, when you can do it.

I do berate myself for not leaving him, but as time goes on... Does it really matter, when your're happy, free and watching your DC blossom?

No, it does not.

HiissyByName I am clinging on to the fact that you have survived and thrived.

Did you go to counselling? I've never been before and won't they wonder why I can't even decide what I want: if he goes I need help and if he doesn't I need help.

Pathetic, right?

Not at all pathetic.

You are getting used to a whole new way of thinking and that takes time, and sometimes it takes a bit of help too.

You do know what you want don't you? You just need a bit of support to accept that and then go for it, we will be there for you every step of the way xx

The constant thinking thing is exhausting isn't it? It's down to anxiety I think, as you look at every thing from every angle trying to make sense of it, trying to work out how you'll cope and what you are going to do. Exercise helps - once your body is relaxed you will be able to relax mentally more easily.

Hopefully the counselling will also help you feel much stronger and clearer.

FWIW I too think he should go well before Xmas for all your sakes.

Oh no, they will not think any such thing when you go for counselling. They are there to help you to find some clarity and the strength and tools to do whatever you decide to do.

But what if I just don't stop him?

That's the ticket

I think he should go, today, tbh, but I know how big an ask that is of you. PLUS it can be used by him to manipulate things with the DC forever more. Mummy threw me out.... I'd love to be with you,but mummy won't let me...

My ex, instead of making a fuss of the last DS birthday (his 5th) he'd be with us, he naffed off to see his mates the night before and didn't come back until 11pm the next day, didn't call him or anything. He ALWAYS stuffed the birthday up. Come to think of it now, that may have been the event that sparked the sling all his stuff into binbags day.

Anyway, I'll be honest with you and many can back this up, to begin with I DID just survive. He left in the February. I spent 6m shuffling through life, getting over the excruciating feeling of stupidity in the first few weeks, then just trying to overcome the agoraphobia my isolation while in his 'care', getting used to speaking to people again, meeting their eyes etc. Yes it was that tragic.

I don't think you are there, so don't have that to overcome.

First I read Why Does He Do That - there is a thread on here about it atm, read it and read the book. If you have already read it, READ IT AGAIN. It will free you from the guilt you will try to ladle onto yourself.

Secondly I enrolled for the Freedom Programme. It didn't start till the September, so I had a few months to wait. I attended a support group for DV victims here in my village (I am so lucky to have this) But you may have something, it's essential for you to use whatever support networks you can. The more the merrier.

Then I started therapy, about November I think.

The way I looked at it, the way these abusers get to us, they brainwash us, bombard us with information designed to cripple us.

I realised that it would take the opposite to brainwash myself back.

All the while MN was a massive part of my recovery. I found posting to help others, helped ME see things I wouldn't have done if I was thinking about myself.

This is a fight. A fight back to you, you have to use every weapon available, you have to realise that everything is valid, that you have a right to rage, to cry, to swear.

At one point I was LIVID that I was running here there and everywhere, paying money I didn't really have to sort out the mess some bastard decided to dump all over me.

I still have my moments, but I know that I will never make the same mistake again, and that is the best thing in the world to know. You have to work hard to get there, you will be scared of this happening again, and it very well could, but not if you put the structures in place to stop it.

You need to build your self esteem, know that you may not be perfect, but you are GOOD ENOUGH. Anyone who disagrees..? => Door is that way.

This is a journey, we are here for you all the way, anytime you think we can help, just ask, post on here, or PM. We are here for you no matter what, no matter when.

Getting out is easy once you have taken that very first step. You just take another. then another.

Hi Goodenuff

I'm writing to add to the chorus of 'let him go now'. I did that 5 years ago and altho there were many wobbles along the way, I felt stronger and realised I could do it on my own. My ex did the 'leaving after Xmas' thing and I went along with it, Xmas was very sad and we had some horrible weekends until he finally moved. This happened after one particularly frosty and uncommunicative weekend when I just said 'this isn't going to happen again, one of us won't be here next weekend, either you go or I do' - I was pretty sure he wouldn't have let me leave the house and kids, so he found a flat immediately, moved out in Feb and I got an anonymous letter a few days later telling me he was having an affair with a sec at work. The rest is history. They got married last weekend and have two small babies already. I am 52 and have 3 teenagers at home.

You can do it - friends and family will provide untold strength and support and your kids will thank you for taking those difficult steps but giving them a safe and loving home. It still makes me sad to think we might have been able to get thru it, but he wasn't prepared to try so I couldn't have done it on my own.

Put yourself and your kids first, be strong, keep posting.

So I got through the week at work

It's back to basics here and coping with just, well, life. Step by step.

I've already realised that mn is going to be a lifeline for me! I'm not sure if I should be happy that I'm not the only 1 to fall for this crap, or mad that I didn't see it coming!

I'm going to order the book you suggested HissyByName. Im guessing it will be my bible.

He left for a week away for work at 5 am so I feel less on edge. I'm cross with myself because I lay in the bed wondering if he would come up and say Goodbye (silly cow!)

Me and the boys are away tomorrow all day at a competition for 1 of their sports. This will be the first time he hasn't been there. I'm going to see how this goes...wish me luck lovely ladies xx

Good luck for tomorrow, and I'm another that says he should leave now.

Would it help if you packed for him while he's away?

Just a suggestion, how about making plans for christmas completely away from home with your sons regardless?