Hubby leaving after Christmas..help me make a plan!

[goodenuffmum]

This is my first post so please help me think straight.

DH told me on Friday night he is leaving after Christmas. We split up 10 years ago for 8 months because his drinking got out of control following a cancer diagnosis. I asked him to leave after huge rows.

Things haven't been great for some time. He was miserable in his job as a chef and his 2 attempts at a catering business left us with debts (including an outstanding VAT bill of £22,000). He left catering and started in a job which is poorly paid in comparison and means that he has been working away most weeks.

But he was happy and me and the DC adapted.

I had to go back to work full time last year because of the changes in our circumstances and that has been hard because I have a health problem that makes it tough for me. But the DC are happy with the childminding I put in place so that's ok.

I guess it got tough for me 2 years ago when he started drinking again and began to get nasty. He left me in tears at a wedding and I left. It took 2 months for him to apologise and I haven't gone out with him as a couple since.

But we rubbed a long ok and so I thought this was married life.

He forgot my birthday last month and I was really angry. More so because he travelled 300 mile journey to make it to his mum's birthday 3 days beforehand.

He hasn't slept in our bed since then...but I was still shocked when he said he was leaving after he spends Christmas with the DC. He told my "best" friend when she called over 2 days later. They weren't close and I'm wondering if he was testing the waters with how the news would be received. She sent him a long text later. I got 1 saying "I'm shocked..I ll phone you later in the week"

I asked him today if this is what he wants because it's hard to go back once it's all started. He said he didn't and he loves me. I asked later on is he coming back to the bed because the DC are asking what is going on. He said he would.

But he didn't

Please tell me what to do.I know there are a lot of wise ladies. Who have been through this and survived...help!

So the book "rebuilding when your relationship ends" arrived today.

I'm on the third chapter...

I think this is going to be my bible in the coming months (and mn, of course)

I am trying to brace myself for the tidal wave of feeling that will come when he goes (thanks HissyByName )

I am going to let him go and hope that I grow a pair before and tell him to go. But if I was brave I wouldnt be in this situation in the first place

i'm visualising me as a work in progress. I am going to spend my time in counselling rebuilding Me so that if I ever feel that I want to dip my toe in the dating pool again when hell freezes over I will make smarter choices.

I am SO fed up putting everyone first and I have arranged to meet up with a friend tomorrow. She has survived (and blossomed) post separation. I need to surround myself in positive energy.

In 15 years I have never gone off on a weekend day to do something just for me. It's only coffee and I ll be back by 6. But its a start?

Tell me what can i do about the physical exhaustion I am feeling and how long does this last?

Hi Good

the exhaustion comes from the mental energy you have to expel keeping all this going, you have got to keep a front up for him and another for the kids and on and on and on. Its like juggling eventually you begin to drop the balls.

The adrenalin running around your body is the only thing thats keeping you from crashing lovey, your on auto pilot, if you can for even a few minutes a couple of times a day, take some time out and just be still or quiet, just like plugging ya mobile in and re charging this will help.

When the big showdown comes, and it will in what ever form, the auto pilot will kick in and get you through it, but at some point it will fade away leaving you pretty drained depending on how it went. If you know this in advance then plans can be made.

If you decide on your course of action, I would suggest having a few ducks in a row, such as friends and family for suport, people you can lean on. Ask for help as Ive said to a friend lately martyrs never lived very long.

If you can make advanced plans to get you and yours through this difficult period, then it makes it easier on you in the long run, so you can focus on what needs to be done in the future.

The other thing is if you have taken back control then you get to chose the time line of when it finishes and have therefore set the rules.

Good luck it is daunting Ive been there too, no one said it is easy, but the rewards are great believe me.

xx

Oh

and dont forget to eat well and keep hydrated, the first thing I did was stop eating as the appetite goes, but the body runs on fuel so little and often if you can.

x

Just think of this - one step at a time, you are on the journey to becoming fabulous again!

Guiltypleasures001 we really need a 'slap forehead at the obviousness of it' smiley! Of course that's why Im exhausted. Adrenalin.

I'm swinging between " tell the twunt to go NOW" to realising that I'll be doing well if I get through this with any shred of dignity intact (my usual way is to beg them to stay, crying..)

I'm making myself eat because I joined Slimming World 3wks ago and really want to lose this weight (5 lbs off so far )

I am learning from all you guys who have been there and survived. If I can believe that there is a better future at the end of this to give me strength.

I am going to start to take my friends up on their offers of support now rather than later. I have been saying that I will need them after he leaves after Christmas but that's not going to help me over my shaky days (like today, playing 'happy family' at the cinema because the 9 yr old wanted both parents at the movies with him

Hi

Peeks and troughs love lol ..I know i shouldnt laugh, I survived on macaroni cheese with tinned tomatoes, all i could stomach.

I wont lie the chances are you will feel like shit, its worse when you have kids, because you have to put a front on and a smile on your face.

Kids will know somethings up, and I suggest that when you can its completely healthy to fall apart when you need too, its not worth bottling it up, and is a form of release after all, crying is cathartic. It will get better, it will take time, if you understand that now and take steps to minimise the disruption and let people know like I have said before, then you wont have to keep repeating yourself when they find out at a later date whats going on.

Some wont ask for help because they feel embarrised and dont want to be a pain. My answer to that is bollox to be honest, those who care will be very upset that you didnt reach out, this is when you find out who is a true friend and who isnt as well.

You will have to reign in all your rescources to get through this, but hey its a doddle after child birth surely?

i will say lastly, that the more you keep thinking about doing it, the worse you will feel, dont dwell too long otherwise xmas will be here and then its too late, and thats one time you dont want to exhaust yourself pretending.

OP, six weeks before Christmas, by 'D'H told me he would be leaving afterwards. We could still have my mum over and still give our DD and his DD (my much loved StD) over and behave as if all was well, as long as I did not tell anyone her was leaving!!

Two weeks later he came home at 4 am. No I understand people leaving, that happens, but would not accept cheating and then staying around. I was 99% sure after this that he was. I told him the next morning that he had two weeks to get out. He moved out and in with the OW. I was right, even though he still denied it until I got his mobile phone bill with her number on it again and again and then got someone to put a name to it.

So there I was, with an 8 year old DD and a husband of 10 years no longer with me.

I survived. I am stronger because of it. 9 years on, I met a new DP and have two more children.

Throw him out now, don't allow the limbo living hell to continue!!

Another small tip, buy some rescue remedy, it really does help in the deep dark moments.

Oh yes Mamma bach rescue? tastes like brandy..

Don't worry about the weight, that will fall off. The highs and lows will even out too, I remember those days well :( That feeling in your stomach as the adrenalin hits and then the utter exhaustion when it wears off. But it does stop, I promise.

I know you are frightened right now, but your wonderful future is closer than you think. You will wake up one day in the next few months, look in the mirror and think "Shit honey! You are HOT!", and the next time he sees you, that's what he will think too, not because of the way you look but because of the way you are acting. He will see the independent confident person you are. He will see what he threw away. That's when he will beg to come back, and you know what you will say?

"Fuck off matey! I can do a hell of a lot better than you!" and he will know that you are absolutely right!

Ok, Ive just told him to go. I told him if he thinks he can do better than me n the boys, then go, go now.

I can't believe I did it.

Im sitting here trying to calm down enough to take my youngest to the hospital (he has a bad ear infection).

Oh god, here it comes now, but maybe I will be a bit feeling better by Christmas?

First things first, hospital

Thank you all you wonderful ladies who are inspiring me that I will get through this

x

Well done!

You have taken the first step, and that is always the hardest, well done :)

Every day will get a little easier, and if you keep in mind why you are doing this and that you deserve so much better than the way he has treated you all, it will keep you going through the wobbles. Remember that you are not just doing this for you, but for your sons, they need to know what a healthy relationship is and how to treat the women in their lives. If only for their futures, you are doing the right thing.

Post here whenever you feel your resolve crumbling, we will hold you up :)

Oh wel done you have a very un mumsnetty ((((hug))))

hope your little man is ok, and is on the mend as soon as ..xx

Xmas will come and go, time is the one thing we cant control, but you can control who you start the new year with..

xx

oophs well even (sp)

Well done! Many of us did this alone, you have great friends around you, and you have us.

You can't lose! :)

All the best for you and your boy, hope he's feeling better! (((Hug)))

Good for you. I knew you had the strength :)

Thanks ladies!

And surprise, surprise, he said he isnt leaving.

I cant be doing with this head-melt.

So I spent the afternoon with my friend (who is looking amazing 2 years after kicking her husband out)

It was just the thing I needed. I am home again and getting ready for the week at work.

I will keep on posting. Next step solicitor

and

xx

He doesnt actually have a choice now though does he?

You have made your decision to end the marriage and whether he wants to or not is immaterial, he cant force you to stay married to him! Your solicitor will advise but him refusing to leave is not an insurmountable problem, not at all.

Stay strong, we will be here with you every step of the way xx

Stickk to your guns, he doesn't get to let the genie out of the bottle, then tell her to get back in.

You can do this. You kind of have to now, no going back.

Hoo bloody ray! Get him out asap, gain back some control over your life. Now, itself of Christmas becoming a horrid memory for DC it can be something positive to focus on after the dust of the next couple of weeks die down.
Please stick to your guns. You owe it to yourself and DC. You deserve much better.

*instead , not "itself"

well done you

what a surprise eh ?

he "didn't really mean" the head-fuck after all ?

well, MrNotGoodEnuff...you certainly shot your load now, didn't you ?

you showed your hand and got called on it

now you face the consequences

I went out and got the Rescue Remedy today.

It tastes kinda alcohol-y. People won't smell it off my breath will they?

You see I can be disciplined for smelling of drink in my job.

So, oh wise ladies, how do I get him to go??

Oh forgot this: my 13 yr old ds walked in when I was having a sob and I had told him that dad was leaving before I could stop myself.

I went in later and did the "this is about me and your dad, not him and you" and that I will make sure he is ok.

I asked what would be the worst thing if his dad left...and he said "nothing really..he hasn't been around since he started the new job and we're ok. We will be ok"

And so I cried again, but not with him this time.