Hubby leaving after Christmas..help me make a plan!

[goodenuffmum]

This is my first post so please help me think straight.

DH told me on Friday night he is leaving after Christmas. We split up 10 years ago for 8 months because his drinking got out of control following a cancer diagnosis. I asked him to leave after huge rows.

Things haven't been great for some time. He was miserable in his job as a chef and his 2 attempts at a catering business left us with debts (including an outstanding VAT bill of £22,000). He left catering and started in a job which is poorly paid in comparison and means that he has been working away most weeks.

But he was happy and me and the DC adapted.

I had to go back to work full time last year because of the changes in our circumstances and that has been hard because I have a health problem that makes it tough for me. But the DC are happy with the childminding I put in place so that's ok.

I guess it got tough for me 2 years ago when he started drinking again and began to get nasty. He left me in tears at a wedding and I left. It took 2 months for him to apologise and I haven't gone out with him as a couple since.

But we rubbed a long ok and so I thought this was married life.

He forgot my birthday last month and I was really angry. More so because he travelled 300 mile journey to make it to his mum's birthday 3 days beforehand.

He hasn't slept in our bed since then...but I was still shocked when he said he was leaving after he spends Christmas with the DC. He told my "best" friend when she called over 2 days later. They weren't close and I'm wondering if he was testing the waters with how the news would be received. She sent him a long text later. I got 1 saying "I'm shocked..I ll phone you later in the week"

I asked him today if this is what he wants because it's hard to go back once it's all started. He said he didn't and he loves me. I asked later on is he coming back to the bed because the DC are asking what is going on. He said he would.

But he didn't

Please tell me what to do.I know there are a lot of wise ladies. Who have been through this and survived...help!

I wasnt part of the business when the debt was run up, but as a further con on the accountants part he advised that the company change from sole trader to partnership after he couldnt argue the point that VAT anymore.

The VAT have told me clearly that they will go for bankruptcy and this ties the house in because it is jointly owned. His share of the equity is equal to what I have offered to pay hmrc.

Im going to check out the freedom programme, thanks!

The freedom programme is for those in abusive relationships.

It'd help you.

Tell him he goes quietly, you pat the vat, but he signs over his share of equity to the same value as your payment.

You don't do anything for him, no card, nothing.

Get him out of your life asap.

Get legal advice.

You need to get legal advice because if you were told to do that on the advice of a dodgy accountant then it may be that a court would be more favourable to you.

Also, if you divorce and you get the house signed over then it could change the game plan too. Definitely see a lawyer ASAP before signing up for any loans.

Glad you feeling better. However do not sign up for loans without speaking to freedom and the CAB and you coud try your local business link who will have experiemce of this and may be abe to help. As you do not understand the posiition you are in and it sounds very confusing, to proceed without free expert advice it will it get worse.

Where is the money btw? And how much money is the the business bank account, is it still open? If you are a partneship you should have access to the funds. Is there stock or equipment somewhere that coud be sold as its a catering company or you sell your partnership for 20k including contracts, equipment etc. I find it difficult to imagine trading a company to go over 100k turnover and ending with 20k in debt being completely worthless, was he working from home?

You know what? The more I think about this, the more I wonder if your H is trying to stiff you into paying his VAT so when he buggers off he is free and clear. Maybe thats why he said he will leave after Xmas, because then the loan will be in place, the VAT paid off and he will stop making payments so you (as co-debtor on the loan) will be chased for all of it.

You really shouldnt sign up to ANYTHING without legal advice.

Darling you don't bloody deserve this, it isn't about being string its about realising and accepting that a good man would never do this to you.

I came to mumsnet when Dd was 3, she is now 12, was going through hideous time, seperation, long court case for custody as evil mil was trying to get her hands on Dd. loads of horrid shit happened but I got through it. My father sided with him, step monster also but that was to be expected but here I am all these years later with a wonderful DH, a pretty special DS and a wonderful life. All because I bloody well deserve it.

You must realise that you are fab and you deserve someone who will cherish you and DCs, that is probably a long way off but believe me, when you get there you will look at the twatbag and pity him, XH has a sad little life compared to me, karma did her thing and I know he will never be as happy as I am.

You'll get there but keep at the front of your mind that you deserve so much better because you are bloody brilliant.

Right, the tears have stopped (for good? I doubt it!).

Im starting to understand why you lot advise getting practical advice. It's making me feel a little less panicky iyswim

I haven't missed him this week and I'm feeling that I could maybe, just maybe, do this.

I've been getting together all the paperwork I can think of and I've started looking for a solicitor. It seems that VAT is a specialist subject.

Madame you are damn right: if he was a good man he would automatically treat me right. My dc do and they are only 9 and 13!

So ladies what's gonna be the next thing on this road to freedom that's gonna make me stumble? Will I feel a sense of relief or will I be grief stricken?

I would say that you need to be aware that while taking control will make you feel much better, you will have the odd wobble. The thing to remember is that it is a temporary thing and it will soon pass.

You will have OMG what have I done? moments where you think that you have made a terrible mistake, but this is where your useless STBX will come into his own. He will do or say something that will remind you why you are doing this, and it will set you back on the road to recovery again.

Maybe write yourself some self affirmations now, when you are feeling strong, to look at when you get a wobble.

Good luck :)

Thanks Bogeyface
A list of affirmations is a good idea:
What about:
"However bad you think it is...it gets better once he's gone" ?

think I might be having a sugar rush from all the Halloween sweets!!

Hello Good

Just a quickie - you said up thread somewhere that you weren't very good at standing up for yourself but that you would defend your children. Honey, if for no other reason, remember you are the most important person to your babies and they will be learning what to expect from relationships from watching you, in just the same way as you did from your parents. You are their most important resource. Defend it by defending yourself and seize control. You already sound so much more unsquashed. I know how much easier it can be sleep walking away from arguments but sometimes a girls just gotta say 'I think far too much of myself to let you treat me like that'

I mean it tho. You sound so much more alive, awake. Making plans. Acting not just reacting :-) . Trust yourself.

Thanks mytimewillcome (love the name by the way!)

I AM feeling a bit more alive. I had my assessment with the counsellor today. She asked me what the worst thing would be if he left and I couldn't think of anything really terrible. Of course I cried through the whole hour like a baby!

He rang today to say that the work is coming to an end and he will be back on Friday. I am coping because he isnt here.

I'm not sure he will still be in the house come Christmas. Not sure I can take the emotional stress

I think you ought to tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to go to. You don't have to have him back.

Stay strong, keep postin and we'll keep you on the path, if that's what you want.

This has moved on a lot. Do nothing financial without seeing a lawyer. Please.

Hi

My xh decided he wanted to leave this time 3 years ago and I asked him to to stay until after Christmas for our DC then 10 and 13 years old.

It was really hard and painful trying to keep it secret so that it didnt filter back to our DC especially with the number of social type things that go on at that time of year. On the plus side the scales began falling from my eyes while he was still living there and after 17 years together in 7 short weeks I knew our marriage was dead and that his decision to leave was the right one for us both.

He made his life easier by taking an OW during this time and ironically was discovered in the wee hours of Christmas Eve so in fact our Christmas was very overshadowed by this and I asked him to leave Boxing Day.

As I write this I feel I am coming across as quite blase but those weeks were full of sadness,anxiety and tears and real fear for the future. Then a few months of ups and downs ecstatic at it finally being over then heartbroken I had lost him and it was all over.

It takes time OP and the journey of recovery is far from easy but if you know its for the best then you have to hang onto that and wait for the pain to dissipate.

Like Hissy I am so happy and content with my life now and quite a different person. I wish I had known about MN from the word go but I discovered it around 6 months after he left and its brilliant !

So,
He breezes in and tells me that he doesn't want to leave, he loves me...blah, blah , blah.

Shame he didnt think about it before he said it. I feel like he has started something that I need to work through.

Maybe I don't want to spend my life wondering if he is going to put me in a tail spin again and threaten to leave again.

Im gonna go to the counselling myelf. For me. This is the first time I have done something for me in years

maybe it will be me telling him to go?? I hope it is just like gettingeasier experienced and the scales fall..at the minute I'm thinking this is my sons' dad and I have to be damn sure that I am strong enough to be both parents.

Everytime I log on and see that someone has written something I feel a little less alone x

He has probably changed his mind because the other woman (yes, there will be one) isn't as keen as he thought she was.

You can take back power now, and tell him you want him gone!

One happy parent is better than a sad one and an abusive one. He deserves better. You deserve better.

Being alone is better than being.wih this.vile man.

My guess would be she has dumped him or doesn't want him as more than a occasional shag.

So lucky you he has decided he 'loves' you as the second best option.

You are worth so much more than this!

Or he has realised what it is going to be like to wash his own skiddy pants and wants the house wife back to do for him.

Ive looked for signs that there is another woman: i get his phone bill and he doesnt have access to the internet where he works / stays. I also have the only cash card for our account (he's "too busy" to ring for another replacement card and I decided that Im not his damn mum!). I couldnt find any and he does work the hours he says he does (the payslip comes to my email account)

I've just read that over and it makes me sound like a control freak (1 of his complaints about me...is he telling the truth?

I want to think that another woman or alternative housing isnt the issue: he will be welcomed back with open arms by his Irish mummy (she always has a bed made up just in case one of her sons realises that their partners arent good enough for them!) and up until 5 years ago would have washed his whites for him when he was on a split shift!

I know what I should do...tell him to get lost.

why can't I?

Xales I'm thinking me not being the docile little housewife these last couple of years is part of the problem. When I stood up to him about his drinking and refused to cover up for him anymore (ringing in sick, lying to his mum, telling the boys dad is "ill") that is when he started "huffing" for a better word.

I just want to scream because I can't get it together enough to bring the curtain down on us".

Goodenuffmum - you sound lovely :) and from your posts, it feels like you are strong enough to do this; you just need to believe you are. How dare he squash the warm, articulate, positive woman you seem to be. Best of luck to you x

nm123

you've just made me cry, but in a good way!

It has been years since someone said something nice to me

We all know how hard it is to do what you are contemplating, but once you say 'It's Over' the momentum just builds, you keep your focus locked on to a live without him in it.

:)

You can do it. Us mums are amazing ;)