Hubby leaving after Christmas..help me make a plan!

[goodenuffmum]

This is my first post so please help me think straight.

DH told me on Friday night he is leaving after Christmas. We split up 10 years ago for 8 months because his drinking got out of control following a cancer diagnosis. I asked him to leave after huge rows.

Things haven't been great for some time. He was miserable in his job as a chef and his 2 attempts at a catering business left us with debts (including an outstanding VAT bill of £22,000). He left catering and started in a job which is poorly paid in comparison and means that he has been working away most weeks.

But he was happy and me and the DC adapted.

I had to go back to work full time last year because of the changes in our circumstances and that has been hard because I have a health problem that makes it tough for me. But the DC are happy with the childminding I put in place so that's ok.

I guess it got tough for me 2 years ago when he started drinking again and began to get nasty. He left me in tears at a wedding and I left. It took 2 months for him to apologise and I haven't gone out with him as a couple since.

But we rubbed a long ok and so I thought this was married life.

He forgot my birthday last month and I was really angry. More so because he travelled 300 mile journey to make it to his mum's birthday 3 days beforehand.

He hasn't slept in our bed since then...but I was still shocked when he said he was leaving after he spends Christmas with the DC. He told my "best" friend when she called over 2 days later. They weren't close and I'm wondering if he was testing the waters with how the news would be received. She sent him a long text later. I got 1 saying "I'm shocked..I ll phone you later in the week"

I asked him today if this is what he wants because it's hard to go back once it's all started. He said he didn't and he loves me. I asked later on is he coming back to the bed because the DC are asking what is going on. He said he would.

But he didn't

Please tell me what to do.I know there are a lot of wise ladies. Who have been through this and survived...help!

start divorce proceedings

if you think you can't appeal to his better nature and get him to leave, the courts will force it eventually

so, at least start that particular ball rolling

I stormed into the house this afternoon, sent the kids next door and demanded to know what was happening. I told him I couldn't take this not knowing. He kept saying that he was tired after his night shift but I was determined. I mean I had sat in my work crying and stressed at the thought of going home. That wasn't good...

So the end result is
We are separating
He is moving out into a flat as soon as he can get a deposit sorted
And
I told the kids

I was crying, the 9 yr old was crying and the 13 yr old ds was dry eyed.

That bit I regret. I should have waited till I was calmer and could rehearse, but I went over what I said with my friend and she said I did ok. He just sat there telling ds to stop sobbing. Well, once he had let the genie out of the bottle it took on a life of it's own.

But I feel calmer because I know where I stand.
My thread title was accurate...and I think deep down I knew that.

I think he had the guts to say what I never would have.
I would have put up with it.

I am going to start from scratch trying to find out who the hell I am, and my 3 good friends have pledged to help so I'm a lot better off than other people.

And I know that mn is going to help me big style.

The people I have told he said that I am strong. How can I appear so strong and feel so pathetic inside all these years?

So what I need tonight is those little tips that will make it just a little bit more bearable for me?

Focus on the life you will be able to lead without him chipping away at you.

No eggshells to walk on. No silly rules to obey.

Know that if you allow yourself to dream, there's no reason why you can't have a lovely, happy, peaceful and sucessful life.

Yes, it's hard work, but it's worth it.

Make lists..small attainable plans..no big gestures, close ranks around your family and hold them close, there will be a period of mourning and shock, dont take on too much, yes Xmas is coming, but do it on your terms, and think about maybe having a quiet one.

quietly start making phone calls to find out where you stand financially and entitlements. You can and will do this, no it wasnt ideal what and how you did it, but you know what you struck while the iron was hot, and took back some control, that shows balls, and lovely your gonna need them for a while yet.

well done you

oh well done to you

keep posting

there is a divorce/separation thread/topic...maybe have a look on there ?

expect it to get worse before it gets better but you will be ok

It shouldn't smell alcoholly on your breath, but if someone mentions it, show them the bottle!!

Well done you for being so strong. You can do it and your DS sounds as though he will be a wonderful support to you (that is allowed as long as you don't offload on to him).

Keep up the good work. You will survive and be stronger because of it!!

How are you goodenuff?

So, update.

He showed no signs of leaving so I got the courage at the start of February and told him he had to leave.

I thought that him finally leaving would be better than the silences. We didn't talk about anything except the kids. It was killing me.

He left last Wednesday. At the start I was numb. I did lots of practical things..spreading my clothes out to fill the spaces in the wardrobes..cleaning and getting ready for the first contact . I survived that.

I was feeling really proud of myself...then the ds (13) got in a fight at school and told the teacher how angry he is at the split. Then I realised that I have NO money until the end of the month and have to ask him to pay up beg for the child support (he only agreed to the minimum csa would have taken)

I saw him today to get the money and i saw that he has finally taken off his wedding ring. And my heart is breaking. I am so angry at myself because I thought I was working through it.

I need to be strong for the boys but I feel so stressed I told him that it would be easier if I was dead...he replied "thats up to you". I won't do anything its just the coldness that hurts

How do I get through this month?

Hi Goodenuff
Well it took a bit longer than you originally planned, but hey.... your FREEEE!! Well done on bringing the agony to an end. That's the worse bit over and done.

Now you start to rebuild your life how you want it and how you want it to be the best it can be for your boys.

It's a horrible wrench isn't it, seeing the ring off. But listen, it's just a daft bit of metal. It meant nothing last year when you were posting. It doesn't really mean anything now. Apart from that you have had the strength and intelligence to bring a destructive painful situation to an end.

Now, this evening think about what would make you feel immediately better. What would help you to feel just a little bit calmer, relaxed? Give yourself permission to do what ever that is, what ever that is. This is the time you need to really treat yourself well. Do something nice this weekend for you and your boys.

YOu must be really worried about your boys. Talk to them. Tell them that you are all going to feel sad, you'd be very strange people if you weren't. But you will all feel better eventually You will all be much happier in a few months time. You just have to get through this hard bit.

Get back in touch with your friends and see if someone can come over tomorrow night for some moral support.

Keep posting.

Thanks Electricsheep

I have taken your advice and hit The Ben n Jerrys. No alcohol for me yet till I know it wont make me feel worse

Tonight had really knocked me for six. I thought I was doing well and then I ended up crying over the ring. I was worried that I have only been fooling myself and Im just waiting for him to see the light and come back. Im glad you told me it is normal to feel sad.

I didn't beg him to stay at any point and for that dignity I have mumsnet to thank.

The embarrassing thing to admit is I have no idea who I am or what I want because I have spent the last 15 years putting him and then my dc first . I don't even know where to start. I haven't told anyone that in RL. They all are telling me how well I am doing and isn't it great. Umm, no.

How the hell do I start all over again...?

goodenuffmum I am no expert in these things like some of the ladies here, but it seems to me that the crying when you saw he had taken his ring off is not because you miss him but because you mourn what could have been. You had plans when you married to be old together, and you mourn those dreams rather than the man himself?

I hope that makes sense. You're doing better than you think you are, and one day you'll be able to look back and see that.

Yes, BanjoPlayingTiger, yes.
Thank you
I don't want him back...I wanted the Plan.

I think I am spending too much time telling myself Im doing great that when something like this happens it trips me up.

Is it normal to be terrified of the future? I cant think past today without getting a sick feeling

That sounds perfectly reasonable, I'm guessing you feel a little bereaved right now. Right now take each day as it comes, but perhaps plan a little something nice in a week or so to give yourself something to look forward to. Not necessarily a big thing, it could be as small as a new outfit or a new bath bomb.

goodenuff well done, you've been really brave and strong, and yes you did do the right thing.

This is the hardest bit of your next journey. With each hour, day, week, month that passes, you will gradually feel better. I promis that even by next week, you will notice a difference.

Don't worry about the ring, he's angry and hitting out at you.

How dare you chuck him out, how dare you get strong, how dare you be brave. He's angry you rumbled him. He wanted you scared, wobbling, quivering and begging to be allowed to remain in his life after he told you he was going to leave. After he fucked up your Christmas. Remember why you did tell him to go. Remember what he did.

The truth is your best friend here, cling to it and it will guide you through all of this.

The boys will need support, it's OK for them to see you vulnerable, and it's ok to be (age appropriately) honest with them. You can and should teach them about self esteem, self worth and love.

All of this WILL pass.

Get legal advice on the money side of things, and if he doesn't pay properly, get the financial stuff done legally, with an order and don't waver. This is the support your boys need.

So glad that you at least hit the Ben & jerrys! Just little things are the way to go at the moment. Are you still going to counselling? If not it might be worth considering just a few sessions to help you deal with the sadness and transition to a different life.

It is normal to be terrified of the future. May be you feel like this because, unlike at most times of your life, you're trying to see so far ahead and anticipate the obstacles and difficulties coming up.

As Hissy says, one day at a time. Honestly I'd say 90% of the stuff I worried and worried about never even came up! Looking back now I wish I could go back to myself and say it will all be ok. We're not rich but can pay the bills. And I'm so much happier. I surprised myself at how I so totally didn't miss my ex, just really appreciated the freedom, peace of mind and gradual return to feeling myself. Be patient and give yourself time. Early nights, eat and exercise. Be extra nice and keep talking to those boys. Reassure them that you will be ok - because you will be.

Thanks Hissy and ElectricSheep

I focused on getting through yesterday and I am doing the same today.

If you guys don't mind I will keep posting when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

It helps to know that what is goning on is normal and I will survive intact (although I cant see that far yet!)

I have had 4 counselling sessions so far and she said to forget about the 6session limit and keep coming as long as I need. Its really helping

I'm gonna try and just roll with the emotions as I havent been able to control them

Thanks guys xo

Oh, another thing.

Any tips on how to get this thing the counsellor keep calling "self esteem"?!

Can you get it on ebay?

The best way of boosting your self esteem is to do things that YOU like doing and or is good at. This could be things like meeting friends, joining a club, starting a new hobby, training or getting/changing a job.

Hi mad
Pleased to see that list because I am doing some of them already.

The thing that is stomping me is the "do the things I like"

My chaotic childhood meant that my focus was studying to make sure I escaped via university, then I met ex () when I was finishing off my training for my job. So I went straight into enabler mode and then doting parent. Ive never had a time in my life when I had free time just to focus on me. That makes me sad to write that.

The thing is that I dont know how to find out what it is I like

That is sad. Not being able to pursue your interests and hobbies. These can be as simple as walking, reading, visiting galleries and museums etc although I know someone on here has bought a horse!

You mention a chaotic childhood and I wonder if seeing an individual counsellor would help you.

lurking a bit as I'm going through similar myself..........

but about self esteem: it's all about placing the right value on yourself.

It's not the stuff you do day to day or how you feel at any one moment because that will always be up and down, but it's more about your personal principles, or limits and whether they're high enough. Those limits get eroded in crappy but non-explosive relationships without you even realising it. And now you've said enough is enough, because that value you place on yourself is still there. It just got a bit buried.

(Credit due to Tessa6 - dunno if it's the done thing to credit someone not on this thread, but it's one of the many things I gained from my own thread)

DHtotalnob - that's a good point and addressing one's boundaries is a good idea. I do think being able to carve out time for yourself to pursue interests show you value yourself - the more you are able to do things that make you feel good, the better you feel and so on.

Agreed MadAbout. I've had to ditch a few 'big' hobbies (including horses!!), but deffo think it's important to take time to be curious about life.

And OP, my only top tip is to just enjoy looking for stuff you like and then you're there already!

(bit embarrassed about the number of exclamation marks I'm using)

Join the gym and go to some of the classes, ie Yoga, Body Balance Zoomba. If you want something a bit more energetic try Attack or Pump. You would surprised at the difference you will feel.

Body Balance or Zoomba.