Hubby leaving after Christmas..help me make a plan!

[goodenuffmum]

This is my first post so please help me think straight.

DH told me on Friday night he is leaving after Christmas. We split up 10 years ago for 8 months because his drinking got out of control following a cancer diagnosis. I asked him to leave after huge rows.

Things haven't been great for some time. He was miserable in his job as a chef and his 2 attempts at a catering business left us with debts (including an outstanding VAT bill of £22,000). He left catering and started in a job which is poorly paid in comparison and means that he has been working away most weeks.

But he was happy and me and the DC adapted.

I had to go back to work full time last year because of the changes in our circumstances and that has been hard because I have a health problem that makes it tough for me. But the DC are happy with the childminding I put in place so that's ok.

I guess it got tough for me 2 years ago when he started drinking again and began to get nasty. He left me in tears at a wedding and I left. It took 2 months for him to apologise and I haven't gone out with him as a couple since.

But we rubbed a long ok and so I thought this was married life.

He forgot my birthday last month and I was really angry. More so because he travelled 300 mile journey to make it to his mum's birthday 3 days beforehand.

He hasn't slept in our bed since then...but I was still shocked when he said he was leaving after he spends Christmas with the DC. He told my "best" friend when she called over 2 days later. They weren't close and I'm wondering if he was testing the waters with how the news would be received. She sent him a long text later. I got 1 saying "I'm shocked..I ll phone you later in the week"

I asked him today if this is what he wants because it's hard to go back once it's all started. He said he didn't and he loves me. I asked later on is he coming back to the bed because the DC are asking what is going on. He said he would.

But he didn't

Please tell me what to do.I know there are a lot of wise ladies. Who have been through this and survived...help!

tb I would love to be strong enough to pack all his stuff up.

I'm not fooling myself here. I know I am only starting on that journey.

The best I can hope for is that I don't fold when he goes. I need to show my boys that your happiness can't depend on 1 person but to do that I have to believe it myself

hi janelikesjam
what were you thinking?
Something out of the ordinary to take the focus of the crapiness that will be happening? Or something away from him?

Can anyone explain how I escaped my alcoholic dad and narcasistic mum and then ended up being emotionally abused?

Should I not have a developed some sort of early warning system that would make me run?

My brother is happily married to a lovely girl. Where did I go so wrong?

What you need to learn and teach your boys is that your happiness will always depend on 1 person, honey, and that 1 person is yourself.

You can elect to take responsibility for your personal happiness or delegate that task to some poor fucker one else.

Frankly if any love interest of mine told me that I was responsibe for their happiness, I'd run a mile.

Another who thinks he should leave now.

Christmas will be bloody hard with only 8 weeks adjusting and starting to heal.

It will be bloody hard, awful and vile trying to pin a smile on your face and act out the lie of a happy family wondering which day after he is packing his bags.

I suspect that jane is advocating that you take the initiative and plan Christmas with your boys away from home - do you have family/friends you can go stay with for the festive season?

You've got a week before he comes back. Use the time to throw pack as much of his belongings as you can into bin bags and dump store it in the garage/shed/porch/spare room/hallway.

Present him with a fait accompli on his return; tell him as there's no way you're going to subject your dc to 'one last Christmas with daddy' before he breaks their hearts, you'd be obliged if he'd fuck off now and spare everyone any unnecessary drama... and then sit back and watch him flounder go nowhere.

Grab the bull by the horns, my dear, and steer him straight out the door in whatever direction you want.

My love, your parent are the reason you're with this guy, can you not see that? They taught you what to expect.

You were conditioned by them, groomed by him.

They are the reason you have no natural twat defenses.

Don't worry, we'll soon help you develop that!

Have a super weekend!

So he didn't even ring to see how the kids got on. So he's left them too..

I am NOT ringing him whch is what I would have done in the past

Even better Ive turned off my phone so Im not always looking at it hoping.

Ive got one minor question: he asked me to leave off a birthday card for his 22 yr old son. It wouldnt cost me any real effort and hedidnt have time to leave it before he went (he doesnt drive).

My dilemma is..should I? Is this more of me being manipulated or would it be a nice gesture for someone who isnt to blame for his dad's behaviour?

The birthday is tomorrow..

Btw the trip went ok. I did all the things that dad's do and no-one mentioned him. The only thing I missed was his navigation skills. I got lost (and had a mini panic) but then got directions and we made it on time.

The kids didnt even notice I was panicking and told me that they knew I would get them there Another sign that he isnt that vital in our lifes.

Hi izzyizin I would rather spend Christmas in my house with my 2 boys than force my parents on them.

I need to find out if there is any way of saving my home from the VAT man if I refuse to pay his bill. If there isnt I need his wages for the joint loan. I'm tempted to let him take over negiotiations with them: I cant make him understand that "telling them (he'll) serve time" still leaves him liable for the debt.

HissyByName you are right! My useless parents left me defenceless. So I have to learn from scratch.

Do you have an accountant? What kind of a firm owes the VAT man?
I would suggest you need specialist legal/VAT advice, but you could start with a call to a HMRC helpline. But if he has this kind of debt it sounds even better reason to severe your connections with him sooner rather than later.

mummytime it was the damn accountant's fault he didn't register in time. And of course he was told that it wasn't worth his while registering as a limited company due to the low level of possible debt!! Low maybe to the accountant but a fortune to me!

HMRC accepted he didn't deliberately evade VAT but it has to be paid. 1 of the local agents laughed when I told him the name of the accountant and said "it's a shame crooked accountants can't be barred"

And of course the only asset he has is the house!

I told him that if went into business again he was off the deeds of the house and was on his own.

I've deleted his number and turned off my phone. Am I just fooling myself or is this good?

You could make a compleint to the accountant's professional body - ICAEW, ACCA, CIMA - as long as he is professionally qualified and registered. If he's just Joe Bloggs calling himself an accountant, then there isn't much you can do.

The professional institutes can and do, expel people from membership for misconduct. You could always sue him for the penalty for the VAT - if he's got professional indemnity insurance, that would pay up. If he hasn't, and is ACA/FCA it could cost him his membership to practise without it. The disciplinary pages of accountancy magazine are full of people like him being kicked out. Sorry, 'excluded from membership'.

I would drop off the card. The son is not to blame for his father's issues. I wouldn't expect any thanks for it. Do it and forget about it.

I would seek good legal advice asap about the accountant, the tax issue, the house. No matter what, you need it.

I think it's a good thing to leave your phone off and not to bother with his calls. It's a good step in the right direction.

tb I tried to make a complaint but as I had nothing in writing to back me up there was nothing I could do. They told me that he is being "watched" but because he is too savvy to have written anything down, I am on my own sad

mathanxiety I think I will drop off the card, (thanks again for your great advice!). I'm second guessing everything at the minute and can't even make simple decisions!

I've set myself a task of sanding my living room floor this week. It's something I've been asking him to do for months so I'm going to take control and do it myself. 'Be Strong' is going to be my mantra until I get up the courage to kick him out.

Ok Good I'll briefly share my tale. This time last year, I had just found out my Arse of a husband (of 20yrs) had been online dating. He had been abusive in some ways for all the marriage, but not often or extreme enough that I was ready to leave. After my discovery, he started to involve our dd, then aged 13. I wasn't having him playing mind games with her, and I got him to leave. There are a few thread around at the time about this. I spent a truly half term holiday 'semi-trapped' with this arse of a man, and his witch of a mother, and that was the kiss of death really. He was vile all week, and supported his dm in her vileness towards me and dd(her only grandchild, go figure). So, the fact that he was messing with dd's mind gave me the courage to end the relationship. I should have done it for me, but heigh ho, I was a grown up, she wasn't. I name changed to current name at that time. One, because this Vile Creature i had as 'dh' had looked at every MN post i had made online, and lionesses protect their young.
OK, fast forward to now. Yes its been hard, and although I have now got the Nisi, he is holding up the degree Absolute. Am I happier,? Hell yes! I will be happier when I am officially free of him, but that is within sight.
Someone said, can you imaging yourself in one years time, after all the immediate hassle. Would you want to be in that new situation. If the answer is yes, you want to be away from the relationship, you will find the strength to do what you need to do.

I'd be packing his bag for him and having him explain to the kids that he is going. Tell him he can come over for a couple of hours on Christmas Day bit as for playing ping pong with your heart between now and then he can go fuck himself. I am a royally peed off on your behalf that he thinks he gets to call the shots and tell you what he is going to do and when.

good you maybe need to mediate if he is explaining to the kids. Mine was capable of trying a real no on her, so I made sure he had minimum time to do it, and I had back up....she was going to stay the night at her friends. Don't leave them at his mercy if you think he'll try anything.

The most important thing to me is the vat issue. Do report the accountant, just call any of the governing bodies as before in a post. If you have his website or card it will be on there which one it is. Ask them what the process is and tell them yor fears. Vat registaration isonlynfor companies with a turnover of 100 000 a year, plus corporation tax, has this been paid? Also call companies house and ask them how to proceed, but only if your name is on anything. Was he director and you company sec? Tell hmrc you have done so, so they are aware and won't chase you. Is your name on the firm he started? Did he set the company up as ltd ? It's 50 pounds to do this. What money did the accountant take and do you have the contract or invoices from the accountant listing what he/ she was doing for the money? If nth your names are on the house, they can't force you to sell I don't think- call the land registry and ensure he can't sell without your knowing btw. There is a downloadable form. Do it quickly!

I would post this issue on the legal / finance threads as its different to your issue with him being an arse.

Also contact the cab to get free accounting advice and about whether you could lose your home. Also book an appointment with an accountant to discuss your issues. They do a free half hour.

If an accountant is aware another accountant is dodgy, then they are bound by the accounting practice to report them. Choose an accounting firm to go and see, or ask hmrc to recommend one in your area.

Hi Parsley thanks for sharing. It gives me comfort that others have been through similar and not only survived, but flourished.

I dont want to be in the same situation a year from now. I recognise that my self esteem and MH can't cope with much more of this crap. I'm not assertive about my own needs but I know if he plays with my dc's minds I will react. Powerfully.

In the past I 've tended to put up, and put up some more until I snap. At the minute I'm just getting through the day and just remembering to eat. I know that sounds pathetic. I didnt cry today. That must be a good sign?

MadameCastafiore I wish I had your inner strength. I've started reading Engel's 'Emotionally Abused Women' that was recommended somewhere here and so much of it is resonating with me. I have been left expecting to be treated like this because I was never shown that it is unacceptable.

It is up to be to put those boundaries in place.

I can't see how the marriage would last with my new boundaries.

So,when I finally say Im not putting up with your crap anymore, I know I am doing it for me and not to make him stay or respect me.

In the past I've gone from 1 relationship straight into another. Fear of being alone? This time will be different

Oh my god,

This is the first time I have been positive and made a plan for after he goes!

Could I really do this?

Yes! You can do it.
After he has gone you might want to do the freedom programme lots of women here recommend it.

Thanks lavenderhoney.

I learned the lesson too late that you should get a contract and minutes of meetings. That accountant has taught me that I shouldnt assume that even "experts" are trustworthy

I know some people will say that keeping the home is a minor thing but after having had 10 homes before I was 18 (parents couldnt hold down long term jobs to keep paying therent on time) it is important to me to have a secure base for me and the kids.

I have found the HMRC to be unhelpful and sometimes callous. Their attitude has been that the bill MUST be repaid. The "breakthrough" came when I rang on Christmas eve having got a letter telling me they were coming for our stuff before the New Year and I rang in tears. A manager answered and advised me to reoffer the amount I had just been told had been rejected. I did and they wrote out that they would accept it on this ocassion. I am currently trying to get a loan but it will be based on the 2 incomes.

I would love to let it go to court but the stress of it would be greater than taking the hit on the loan so that my boys' home would be safe. I will make him sign over his share of the house to me first

But mummytime isnt the Freedom programme for survivors of domestic violence?

I never felt scared of him physically, the battles for me are all emotional..

If the VAT is in his name only then why are you tying yourself in knots over it? Were you named as a director of the company or had any link to it legally? If not, and the house is in joint names then I am not sure it can be taken to pay the bill, have you had legal advice over this?

Emotional abuse is considered Domestic Abuse and as such, yes the Freedom Programme would be good for you