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Original poster

Hollow laugh from the OW

581 replies

Dandythelion · 21/10/2012 21:22

I was the OW. As well as sweeping me off my naive feet into a 50 shades type sexual thrall, he convinced me that the marriage was dead, he'd hated her for years, he only stayed because he felt sorry she was going bald (!), they only had pity sex, she was horribly unstable and always threatening suicide, was a total hypochondriac, terrible mother, educationally bereft, emotionally subnormal and socially inept.

He made me feel absolutely beautiful and special and I couldn't do without it, nobody can make you feel better than an emotionally abusive man, it's almost an art form. They get inside your head and worm out your deepest dreams and promise to make them all come true. Then he makes them almost come true, but just dangles perfection out of reach.

You'll go mad trying to get there and you won't have the sense you were born with, the madness takes you over and morality won't enter it because you want to believe the fantasy more than you will listen to friends, family, conscience.

For all the wives who've been left by this type, sleep a little better knowing that less than two years on, the beautiful clever perfect wam they left you for discovers he's pulling the same stunt on new woman, and suddenly it's easy to see why the mental health issues arose.

Don't waste time begging him to come back, he has a cock where a heart should be and doesn't say a word that hasn't been carefully chosen to get exactly what he wants.

Thought it might give a wry smile tp those who have been there.

OP posts:
tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 22/10/2012 00:34

Fair points, Bogey.

But I think not all OW have the insight to realise that a married man is by definition, a 'lying cheating bastard' (which of course, he is). Men who get into extramarital relationships tend to portray themselves as being the wronged one (wife is a shrew, works him into the ground, doesn't want to have sex with him any more, spends all his money, doesn't understand him, blah blah).

Most women think they would never get involved with someone else's man - but many do. Then they say 'I'm the last person who would do this' when they try to justify themselves.

There are a few evil husband-stealers no doubt, but they are in the minority. There are lots of women on MN who seem to think, against logic, that they are the one who can 'fix' an unhappy man. It's very tempting, to flatter yourself that you are the one who can 'save' someone.

MM are soooo good at playing on this. It's really depressing to see the woman shot down so fiercely.

Maybe there is something wrong with me. I watched Fatal Attraction years ago, and found it incredibly misogynistic. The OW is clearly the 'baddie' and the cheating husband and his wife are on the 'goodies' who end up on the same side! We are supposed to be relieved when the mentally ill character ends up dead in the bathtub, leaving the married man and his wife to 'get back to normal'.

It's like life - it always has to be the fault of some woman. Even in the eyes of other women. Where is the sisterhood in that?

garlicbaguette · 22/10/2012 00:37

Dandy, I get what you're saying and actually I do think it's potentially helpful to cheated wives. If women could hear their husbands using exactly the same words to the OW that they fell for - even, often, receiving the same gifts and sharing the same special songs & jokes - they might cotton on faster that they've been living with a hollow-souled shit. It's never easy to realise you've been suckered for love, but if wives could understand the OW is the same kind of fool they were, perhaps they'd waste less energy on hating the wrong person.

Of course there are women who get their thrills from 'stealing' husbands. Not too many, though. There are more husbands stealing hearts. I thought you wrote beautifully, fwiw, and am delighted to hear you've figured out what made you vulnerable. Good luck for the future :)

AutumnGlory · 22/10/2012 00:37

I don't believe you were under no 'spell'. You were just a selfish brat woman who wanted IT and wanted IT NOW. Glad you got the consequences and hope the twat did too. And this is not a personal attack to you, but to all OW and married twats out there. You do have a chance not to get involved if you have any sense of MORALS.

garlicbaguette · 22/10/2012 00:38

x-posted, tired. Hear, hear!

GhostShip · 22/10/2012 00:39

Why are we painting women as these poor vulnerable creatures who can't make the right decision when it comes to men.

Bogeyface · 22/10/2012 00:42

You misunderstand me. I am not saying that it is all her fault, but that she cant take no blame at all.

Whether the OP does turn out to be a wind up merchant doesnt really matter, as I think that this is an interesting thread. It has shown that OW are often thought of as as much of a victim as the wife, but that isnt true! They have a choice, the wife doesnt get a choice. They know they are sharing him, the wife doesnt. The OW knows the possible consequences, the first the wife knows is when he has left or she finds the evidence.

This self justification is common to both men and women who cheat, either the married partners or the single partners. "I just couldnt help myself" is the biggest bunch of bullshit ever! The only people who can say that with any truth is someone in the grip of major mental health issues or rape victims. Everyone else has a choice, and just because they chose wrongly and suffered for it doesnt make them a victim.

GhostShip · 22/10/2012 00:43

Agree with bogey

AutumnGlory · 22/10/2012 00:44

Tiredofwaitingforitalltochange people have the choice to SEPARATE and than DIVORCE if they are leaving in a unhappy relationship. OW can wait to save the twat once he ends has relationship with some DIGNITY. No excuses are good enough.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 22/10/2012 00:45

Ghost, are you serious?

First, because the OP was gulled by a married man - made a wrong decision getting involved with him.

And also, because every wronged wife on here also made a pretty bad decision - actually marrying the kind of shit who runs two women at once.

garlicbaguette · 22/10/2012 00:46

Because this board is overflowing with women who've been suckered by manipulative bastards. OP was, too.

Who was more wrong? OP, who foolishly believed his marriage was an ordeal and she was 'the one' after all, or the man who deliberately lied to both his wife and his mistress?

Original poster
Dandythelion · 22/10/2012 00:47

Bogey, I meant what I said genuinely and I'm sorry if it sounded patronising. You wrote "The only people who can say that with any truth is someone in the grip of major mental health issues or rape victims". I am sad to say that there are probably very many more of these than one imagines.

I am going to sleep now, thank you all for reading and for an interesting exchange.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 22/10/2012 00:47

Oh and how many times do married men, on being caught try to say that the OW did the chasing? That she entrapped him?

The OP is just trotting out the same crap that a caught out cheater does, and yet she claims to have changed. Not so, she has just found a good way to convince herself of her innocence.

AutumnGlory · 22/10/2012 00:47

But I suppose the wives married the twats when they were single and free...don't you Tired?

garlicbaguette · 22/10/2012 00:47

Bogey, I've not seen OP painting herself blameless? Quite the contrary.

garlicbaguette · 22/10/2012 00:49

she claims to have changed. Not so

What a horrible thing to say about a poster who's told us she's been in intensive therapy for a year or more.

Bogeyface · 22/10/2012 00:51

every wronged wife on here also made a pretty bad decision - actually marrying the kind of shit who runs two women at once.

Oh thanks a fucking bunch! We married men who we didnt know was capable of running (charming phrase) two women at once. As I said, the OW KNEW that he was capable of that, the wife didnt! Do you think I would have married my husband if I had had one inkling of what he could do? Do you think that all cheating wives are so stupid that we must have known yet married them anyway?

How insulting!

GhostShip · 22/10/2012 00:51

Yes I'm serious. Sorry but you're disempowering women by painting them all the way you are.

Bogeyface · 22/10/2012 00:52

Being in intensive therapy doesnt mean anything if the therapee hasnt learned anything and still tries to justify crappy behaviour.

GhostShip · 22/10/2012 00:53

Who was more wrong? OP, who foolishly believed his marriage was an ordeal and she was 'the one' after all, or the man who deliberately lied to both his wife and his mistress?

It doesn't matter who's more in the wrong. They are BOTH in the wrong. Not one of them is blameless. If the OP had a shred of decency she would have waited until they'd split up officially. Not carry on behind closed doors.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange · 22/10/2012 01:00

I daresay Autumn.

But doesn't being completely horrified at finding out your husband is a cheat, being convinced he was a good husband when he was actually a lying toad, living a double life - as is so often the case - suggest rather poor judgement? How is it possible to get it so wrong?

If it's not poor judgement, then the man must be a really, really good liar.

And likely just as good at lying to the OW.

Any woman who's husband has cheated on her managed to pick a wrong 'un, didn't she? Why then is she so angry with the other gullible woman that he managed to convince he was for real?

HE's the one who deserves the anger.

Mayisout · 22/10/2012 01:01

or would this be a star-crossed lover's tale come to fruition, and the wife can go fuck herself

The wife can go and find herself someone who isn't a two timing bastard, so perhaps the OW has done her a favour (in the long run - though accept that the DW with DCs has a much harder time due to dealing with fallout of everything affecting DCs too)

GhostShip · 22/10/2012 01:02

You're forgetting the fact that the OW knows he isn't single. That is the main point. And it is a line that should not be crossed.

TheSilverPussycat · 22/10/2012 01:10

I don't believe OP was trying to comfort or help betrayed women. Only to help those of us (and I was one) who are unworldly/immature enough that they might otherwise have succombed. I have made many spectacular mistakes by following my instincts and my naive belief in my own feelings meaning more than they actually did...

Bogeyface · 22/10/2012 01:21

But doesn't being completely horrified at finding out your husband is a cheat, being convinced he was a good husband when he was actually a lying toad, living a double life - as is so often the case - suggest rather poor judgement?

So if he cheats and destroys our life its our own fault for marrying him as we have poor judgement?

Sheesh, so not only is the OW a victim, the wife is an idiot? I cant say what I want to because it will be deleted, but fuck you is the most printable.

Mayisout · 22/10/2012 01:24

You're forgetting the fact that the OW knows he isn't single. That is the main point. And it is a line that should not be crossed

Hmmmm. Not in the real world.

More to the point he is a married man with dependent DCs and a trusting wife

That's a bigger line to cross in my view.