Hollow laugh from the OW

[Dandythelion]

I was the OW. As well as sweeping me off my naive feet into a 50 shades type sexual thrall, he convinced me that the marriage was dead, he'd hated her for years, he only stayed because he felt sorry she was going bald (!), they only had pity sex, she was horribly unstable and always threatening suicide, was a total hypochondriac, terrible mother, educationally bereft, emotionally subnormal and socially inept.

He made me feel absolutely beautiful and special and I couldn't do without it, nobody can make you feel better than an emotionally abusive man, it's almost an art form. They get inside your head and worm out your deepest dreams and promise to make them all come true. Then he makes them almost come true, but just dangles perfection out of reach.

You'll go mad trying to get there and you won't have the sense you were born with, the madness takes you over and morality won't enter it because you want to believe the fantasy more than you will listen to friends, family, conscience.

For all the wives who've been left by this type, sleep a little better knowing that less than two years on, the beautiful clever perfect wam they left you for discovers he's pulling the same stunt on new woman, and suddenly it's easy to see why the mental health issues arose.

Don't waste time begging him to come back, he has a cock where a heart should be and doesn't say a word that hasn't been carefully chosen to get exactly what he wants.

Thought it might give a wry smile tp those who have been there.

I'm glad someone else mentioned children.

Now, not only the OW is innocent and the twat 'can't help himself' for having a dick, the W is to blame for not being able foresee her future and get married with the man who can run two women at the same time!!!!!!!!! I've had enough of this thread already. Wish all OW and cheating Hs to burn in HELL. Am I still angry? Yes and I have the RIGHT to be. Thanks.

You are actually stating tbis man led to you about his wife?

NOOOO

You are actually stating this man lied to you about his wife?

NOOOO

I've been on both sides of the fence here, both wronged partner, and evil OW, although in the latter case there was no marriage and kids involved. I'm not posting here to garner sympathy, just maybe to help offer a bit of perspective. My experience of being the ow is the same as many I'd imagine. We were both in relationships to begin with, I ended mine as soon as I realised I had feelings for someone else. He didn't, for various reasons that seemed valid at the time (contracted to stay in their apartment, no where else to live, relationship was over in all but name etc) I believed it all and more, I was so desperate to 'win' this awful game. I never did the chasing, it was all him constantly texting and phoning and desperate to see me, even just to spend time with me without anything physical going on. I really believed he loved me. When we finally were together, he cheated on me, physically abused me and generally ruined my life. I truely believed that he, like me, was with the wrong person and had finally met 'the right one at the wrong time'. The reality was, he was just a lying cheating cockhead, but oh my did I suffer for falling for him. And as I say, I've also been cheated on by several partners, so I hardly an ow apologist. Just interested by the discussion here

The OP is as entitled to post here as the next poster, regardless of the reasons she chooses to do so provided she posts honestly which I believe she did.

If a DH is so capable of lying to the woman he lives with that she is unaware that she is sharing her life with a conceited, selfish lying bastard, perhaps for many months or even years, surely it is not hard to imagine that he is capable of deceiving an OW, possibly to a far greater degree.

The op has had intensive therapy to try and address the mistakes she made and regardless of the abuse she has alluded to it sounds like she was treated pretty shabbily. I don't really understand why she now deserves an additional kicking

I think the OP is upsetting if you assume she is trying to garner sympathy. I don't. I think she is speaking out loud.

So often on here we hear from the wives and not from OW. I think it is helpful to look at it from the OW pov personally. I hated, really hated OW for a long long time. My focus was completely misdirected.

When I woke up to the fact that she was stupid (sorry but that was the case, she made a silly decision) I felt sympathy for her and realised a) my ex was the villain and b) I was also stupid because I'd stayed with him

It did help me move on to see it for what it really was.

I don't know if she has changed. She is quite a needy woman seeking male affirmation by flirting with all men. I do feel sorry for her on one level because I view that as a very sad way to exist and she obviously has poor self esteem. Another part of me just feels cross, like you would with an alcoholic damaging those around them, but only they can change?

I changed. I feel good about myself I suspect she doesn't deep down

However.... My betrayal was years ago. At the time the pain of a happy life torn apart meant I dreamt of her having a very painful public downfall.

Sounds like you are trying to evade responsibility by laying the blame at his feet. It takes two to tango.

As someone who was wooed by a (single) man like the one you describe, OP, and who was left last year for an OW, I'd like to thank you for posting. My self esteem was at rock bottom when I met him, and I was easily taken in by his empty promises. He'd cheated on 2 wives before me, but such was my desperation to be wanted, that I was eager to believe he'd changed like he said he had. I was stupid, naive, and vulnerable.

So I believe you, OP, when you say how you were taken in. I suspect that the OW in my situation was in the same position, I know enough about her to know that she was emotionally vulnerable when they started their affair. It's easy to say that she knew I existed, she shouldn't have got involved, but I don't know what she knew about me. The woman who encouraged her and provided his alibi can rot in hell as far as I'm concerned. But I have sympathy for the OW, because she doesn't know what's about to happen to her.

So thank you, OP, for being big enough to admit your mistakes. I'm glad for you that you've become a better person than the one you were.

Sheesh, so not only is the OW a victim, the wife is an idiot?

I hear your anger, Bogey. But - speaking only for myself here - I'd say yes. I was that idiot, several times, in two different marriages. A bloody big idiot, with unrealistically inflated ideas about love ... just like the multiple other women.

End of day, op, people make mistakes, we are imperfect flawed creatures.

There is no need for people to eviscirate you on here. Projecting I believe its called.

Well some OW may be vulnerable and have low self steem but there will be still single men out there to provide them with the assurance they need. They might be vulnerable, stupid and naive but also they have no morals. I was vulnerable, I had low self steem, I was stupid and naive and I needed to feel loved too and as I said before by the age of 17 I walked away from a men who promised me the world because I found out he was married. It wasn't that I didn't believe he lived me which now I know he obviously didn't. It was that I had enough repeat to women kind to not dare do it to another woman who found herself tied to a cheater. Funnily enough later on older and supposedly wiser I was a scorned wife of a selfish man whose OW pretended to be my best friend just to hide better their affair. Apparently they are still happy together .... I hope NOT. I blame both of them the same and my hatred is direct at her as well at HIM. Would be nice not to feel like this I'm sure, specially now after 7 years but I still hurt and pretend they are poor people who just happend to find me in the middle of their love story won't do.

And fayster the OW doesn't know what is about to happen to her but she knows what is about to happen to the wife and children. She thinks her fairy tale with finally take off when she gets he family out of her way. No deserving of any f* sympathy I'm afraid.

Well the OP put herself in the scapegoat situation on a ope online forum that is famous foe empowering honest wives and mums who want the best for their family. Sorry she should have gone somewhere else if she wanted holding hands only.

Typos on iPad don't let me even put my point across properly

Autumn where do you get the impression OP wants holding hands? That's not really coming across.

Bogey you are being deliberately obtuse and not reading the whole post. Not saying you are an idiot at all. My point is that if a man is plausible enough to deceive his wife, the woman he lives with, then he is plausible enough to deceive anyone else.

Isn't he?

Also why this assumption all the time that the OW goes into it knowing he is married? Ive seen it said on here that 1/3 of the men on POF are married. These men don't have 'married' tattooed across their foreheads for the OW's benefit, any more than they do 'lying adulterer' for the wife's. A wedding ring can be slipped off and into his wallet. Everyone finds out the hard way.

As garlic said, you are wasting your anger on the wrong person.

You think that women who turn down married men are 'empowering' the wives, Autumn? How does that work? Empowering themselves, yes.

I'm fed up with women expecting fellow women to control their husbands. If the fucker wants to cheat, he will cheat. Nobody else's fault, the fault's all his.

This was never going to go any other way though. The wronged wives on here are, rightly, very angry.

Of course they are going to react to not only the OP which may have appeared to be looking for sympathy (though I don't think this is the case) but to subsequent posts which seem to blame them!

We all take a risk when we put out trust into someone. There is not a single gram of blame to be laid at the feet of wives whose husband have run off and shagged someone else. I'm not talking about the breakdown on the marriage, I'm talking about him shagging outside the marriage.

In this case the OW appears to have been mistreated and abused. That is horrific for anyone not matter what the circumstances.

But, I'm not surprised that people can't feel anything but anger towards her. On here, she is the representation of the woman who left children and wives distraught.

Of course HE is to blame. But his actions don't negate the OW's awful actions. It's entirely different if OW doesn't know he's married.

But a woman who knows her f*ck buddy is going home to tuck his kids in at night? I think they deserve a certain amount of anger sent their way.

I didn't say the op wants hold hands but some posters expect everyone to be on op's side, not give her a hard time. And I didn't say that by not staying with the cheater I empowered the wife but at least I didn't contribute any further with her misery. I know the cheater will cheat no matter what. I chose NOT to be the ONE to help him do so. I found out the hard way and stopped immediately. I don't think OP did so. Also when I was on the other side of the fence, as I said before, the OW not only new my husband ( who would cheat with somebody else anyway) was married she also went as far as become my 'best' friend not only to spend more time close to him but also to help him disguise the affair. How innocent she is and how naive? I know I take my anger out on OP and I don't care. She shouldn't have posted if cant take whatever comes to her. And tbh I would be totally on her side if she came here with a different story saying eg : she later realise the twat he was and made him suffer like he deserved. But no, she just had a pathetic existence with him, is still suffering and he has won again...truly ridiculous.

OP's said she was vulnerable and naive. I guess you'd have to be, to fall for the "wife doesn't understand me" routine. I imagine most OWs are vulnerable, being easily misled by fantasies of The Great Healing Lurve that surpasseth all impediments (wife, children, in-laws, mortgages, etc).

In my second marriage, I watched women Specially Understanding my husband ... just as I did when we got engaged Unlike them, I made sure he was single when we got together. But that doesn't make the others worse than me, imo, so much as even more stupid.

I'm grateful, actually. Without seeing it all played out in front of me like that, I may not have learned and would probably be in the middle of my third divorce by now!!

Autumn, I know exactly what you mean about the OW making efforts to become your friend because this happened to me, too, in my first mistake marriage. I was enraged that she'd deliberately manipulated me to facilitate their affair. It almost blinded me to the fact that he'd encouraged it! She didn't come up with the idea by herself.

And she was a bigger fool than me. I handed him over very graciously, and he proceeded to do the same to her. At least I didn't know his past form, while she'd allowed him to convince her He Only Did It For Lurve. Which makes her quite a big fool, really, doesn't it?

I am a wronged wife. Three affairs, countless one night stands, goodness knows what else. I didn't know the full extent till quite a long time afterwards. One in particular, was told I was pregnant (8 months) and asked ex H if this was true. He was told it was and she still carried on seeing him. She lived with someone herself I believe. Am I angry with her? No I am not, a bit shocked when I first found out the extent of it but not angry. She gets none of my emotions, she is a faceless no body. If it wasn't her it would have been someone else. She just filled a space. My ex is the one I was angry with. He was married to me, I was having our baby, he made ALL the choices that took him out of our marriage. She was just there. I don't feel anything about her or any of the others.

I was nothing to her as she is nothing to me.

Someone wrote upthread that it is the effect on the children that it is so difficult to forgive when a father becomes involved with an OW.

Because my exP ventured into an affair and the OW was complicit in this and knew he had DC, our DC now spend alternate weekends doing a quite a bit of travelling; have to be a bit more organised (may be not a bad thing) in thinking ahead as to what homework/kit they will need to take with them, and then relocate it back with them; sometimes cannot say yes to friends who profer invitations at short notice; find it difficult to get involved in weekend clubs; and of course live in households with less disposable income. The DCs want to see their father and I have always facilitated this; their somewhat peripatetic life is not one I would have chosen for them.