Hollow laugh from the OW

[Dandythelion]

I was the OW. As well as sweeping me off my naive feet into a 50 shades type sexual thrall, he convinced me that the marriage was dead, he'd hated her for years, he only stayed because he felt sorry she was going bald (!), they only had pity sex, she was horribly unstable and always threatening suicide, was a total hypochondriac, terrible mother, educationally bereft, emotionally subnormal and socially inept.

He made me feel absolutely beautiful and special and I couldn't do without it, nobody can make you feel better than an emotionally abusive man, it's almost an art form. They get inside your head and worm out your deepest dreams and promise to make them all come true. Then he makes them almost come true, but just dangles perfection out of reach.

You'll go mad trying to get there and you won't have the sense you were born with, the madness takes you over and morality won't enter it because you want to believe the fantasy more than you will listen to friends, family, conscience.

For all the wives who've been left by this type, sleep a little better knowing that less than two years on, the beautiful clever perfect wam they left you for discovers he's pulling the same stunt on new woman, and suddenly it's easy to see why the mental health issues arose.

Don't waste time begging him to come back, he has a cock where a heart should be and doesn't say a word that hasn't been carefully chosen to get exactly what he wants.

Thought it might give a wry smile tp those who have been there.

Dandy, I appreciated your post and I'm with Gobblers. Lesson learned and lesson shared.

Ryle, late 40s

Schmaltzing, I'm sure you're right. As I'm sure you also know, or perhaps could imagine, it feels far from tawdry at the time.

Gobblers, I think that's an interesting point. Perhaps if I had felt free to shag rather than just fucked up and desperate, I might have made some wiser choices.

This is my experience, that's all.

No one is coming down "so hard" on the OW, just an OW who comes onto a forum full of women who were married to men who shagged around on them, and then tries to say that it was all his fault. It really seems to me that OP needs everyone to say "Yes, it was his fault, you didnt do anything wrong" but that isnt going to happen.

She was hurt by him, so now she is saying that she was groomed and had no control. I am sorry, but you cant ask for sympathy when the person who hurt you was someone elses spouse. If you hadnt broken the basic moral laws that we all live by, then it wouldnt have happened would it?

It comes down to the fact that if you have an affair with a man who treats his wife like shit, then you shouldnt be upset or surprised when he does the same to you!

OP the reason I asked if it was CBT was because I get the feeling that the therapist helped you deal with the affair by offloading all your blame, by putting it onto him.

Ginhag, no. Sadly not. I certainly did wrong, I put my hand straight up and I seek neither sympathy nor forgiveness. But the person I was then had none of the things schmaltzing mentions. Sisterhood and self-belief? I would have laughed in his face. As it was, I couldn't please him enough.

Told you, you wouldn't get any sympathy on here....

Bogey, I think I have said that I seek no sympathy here, merely to share an experience that I thought would would give another perspective. Nor am I upset now or surprised. The therapist was not so facile. I have taken my share of the blame.

I'm not sure OP is looking for sympathy really. She is just relating her experience and that's what this website is for, isn't it?

I think we all know that the best revenge is knowing what the OW has taken on.

But the poster who pointed out that OP was single, and free to shag who she wanted was right, I'm afraid. And I'd be surprised if there was a woman alive who hadn't at some point been taken in by a man's lies - especially those who are young and not yet parents themselves.

Don't underestimate the effort these men put into their new relationships, and the new life.

I hope you can find happiness, OP - and I hope the ex has too.

As for him - well, I don't think it ever ends well for these men. They take their problems with them wherever they go.

You sound pretty distant from the things you're saying, Dandy. and I'm not sure you've got any real insight into what you did.

This is one of those things where saying sorry makes no difference as you shouldn't have done it in the first place and is part of the cheating husbands script. "I'm sorry [I got caught]"

Yours posts don't offer anyone a true OW perspective - it's just you feeling sorry for yourself because shit went down badly for you.

Ok, so taking your statement that you wanted to offer another perspective at face value, I have to ask, why?

What good do you think it would do?

Do you think that women who have been cheated on will take comfort from the fact that the OW was led down the garden path? Because they wont. Do you think that it will help to know that he was a bastard to you as well as them? Because it wont.

They dont actually care about you and what you went through, because they went through worse. Do you really think that they give a shit about the woman who was 50% responsible for their world crashing down? Ok, so if it hadnt have been you it would have been someone else, but it was you. And you will have to accept that because of that, no cheated on wife will ever give fat rats ass about how heartbroken or badly treated you were, or want to hear about it.

I really dont see why you posted this and what you hoped to achieve.

Olgaga, thank you for your kind wishes. More than happiness, I have found peace, as I believe his EW has too. Him? From what I have learned, he will neither believe he needs to change nor care that he hurts people. I don't believe it's in his makeup. This is a story of three people, separate to you all. I understand that those who have been hurt will over-identify with the wife and if, in sharing my experience, that has caused further pain, I am genuinely sorry for that.

here here Bogeyface !!!!

And when I say "they" I mean ME.

For what its worth, you get a bit of sympathy from me. Regardless of how a relationship started, he treated you badly, and you got hurt. And, I imagine, now feel somewhere between deserving to have been treated like this, foolish for having fallen for his act, and horrible for having made another woman feel the way you do now.

The man is a twat. You didn't make him act like one - you got sucked in.

Dandy makes not difference to me if you were with him a month or ten years. The fact another woman didn't come along and open her legs for him up until now should probably make you wonder what would have happened had you not done it for him all of those years ago.

I really hope you can see now that what you did was just adopt a man who likes sparkly objects. You won yourself a magpie. They fly away eventually and one on it's own is always unlucky.

I am one of those who think you are quite brave posting this on here, OP. What a shit experience.

Tzella and bogey, your opinions and experiences are different and just as valid as mine. I appreciate the time you have taken to reply. Regarding 'why' as I said, to share an experience. No sympathy seeking whatsoever. I don't claim to have 'gone through worse' or better. Our experiences are all subjective and real to ourselves and I wouldn't presume to quantify anyone else's.

If I sound distant, it is probably because I have gained very valuable perspective and come to terms with the choices I made, good or bad. I think in fact it's that very insight that gives the distance IYSWIM.

My apologies were for unthinking hurt I have caused by my post; I am not so naive as to expect, or even need, forgiveness in a public forum from people I do not know. That was never my intention.

I will never understand the vitriol directed against OWs. They - generally speaking - were single, and free to do as they wished. The husband is the one who is cheating, and it seems to let him off the hook to deflect the blame onto somebody else. To say that the OW is 50% responsible for the end of a marriage is ludicrous.

OP, sorry you had such a grim time. I hope things are better for you now.

EA men are quite good at getting under the radar, and then casting a spell over their victim to keep them there. And often at that stage in their lives, their victims wouldn't know a red flag when they saw one. I think OP is giving us the benefit of her hindsight to help those who may be susceptible to enchantment?

I don't want to charcoal you either. You've been very frank, and I think your motivation is exactly as you say.
I hope the other posters get fed up with vilifying you soon.

I agree with tredofwaitingforitalltochange, he sounds really manipulative and nasty and you and exW are both well shot of him. Sorry you went through all that but glad you're in a better place now x

Yes, I got what you were saying as well OP. Don't think you did wrong by posting it's interesting to hear it from the other side so to speak .

Competitive outrage and disgust in full force on this thread I see.

So op, if some beautiful man came up to you again, and you clicked with him, in a way you never had done with anyone else ever, this man is the absolute one. But, and theres a BUT here, he's married. But apparently his wife means nothing.
Would you do it again? Or would you have some respect for yourself and walk away?
Just interested.

Bogey, yes I had suspected as much.

Tired, tea, silver, Pictish, hammer and Emma. Thank you for your kind words, courtesy and good wishes.

Ryled, I hope that it is clear from what I have written that I am, thank goodness, no longer the person I was then. I would not let any man, married or otherwise, treat me that way. Self-respect is one of the very many lessons I have learned.

Incidentally, and only because you mentioned it, the man was short and balding with bad teeth. I was still dazzled by him.

I've got a friend who fell in love with a mm. She didn't know he was married when she met him, but did find out before she got involved with him. He played her very cleverly, said his wife was uncaring, no sex, that he only stayed because of the kids. She swallowed it all. She has always had very low self esteem and had had a succession of awful relationships. She was an easy target.

It was true that he and his wife had no sex. Because she was in the middle of cancer treatment.

Please let's not forget who the real villain usually is in these scenarios. I've never shagged someone else's bloke, and I'm not an OW apologist by any means. But we see on these threads all the time weak and vulnerable women in abusive relationships with men who manipulate them. If he's unattached elsewhere, there is huge sympathy for the woman. But if the man is married, the woman wants burning at the stake.

It's too simplistic. Married men don't usually get involved with women who are sorted, together, self respecting. No woman like that would bother with such a loser.

Having a bit of sympathy with the OW doesn't mean you have any less for the wronged wife.

you're well shot of him OP, and i don't know why you're being picked apart here. You offered yourself up to have custard pies flung at you and instead of recognising that you have lived and learnt, people are berating you while you berate yourself. So I'm going to say I feel sorry for you.

I agre with PP,men like this single out vulnerable women. Your self-esteem probably wasn't great to get involved with a married man.

I can feel sorr for two women at the same time as well.

OP read sherry argov's BITCHES. It stands for babe in total control of herself or something cheesey like that! but don't be put off by the title. It's a very good book and will prevent you offering yourself up to be abused/used /given so little in the future.

Good luck