Hollow laugh from the OW

[Dandythelion]

I was the OW. As well as sweeping me off my naive feet into a 50 shades type sexual thrall, he convinced me that the marriage was dead, he'd hated her for years, he only stayed because he felt sorry she was going bald (!), they only had pity sex, she was horribly unstable and always threatening suicide, was a total hypochondriac, terrible mother, educationally bereft, emotionally subnormal and socially inept.

He made me feel absolutely beautiful and special and I couldn't do without it, nobody can make you feel better than an emotionally abusive man, it's almost an art form. They get inside your head and worm out your deepest dreams and promise to make them all come true. Then he makes them almost come true, but just dangles perfection out of reach.

You'll go mad trying to get there and you won't have the sense you were born with, the madness takes you over and morality won't enter it because you want to believe the fantasy more than you will listen to friends, family, conscience.

For all the wives who've been left by this type, sleep a little better knowing that less than two years on, the beautiful clever perfect wam they left you for discovers he's pulling the same stunt on new woman, and suddenly it's easy to see why the mental health issues arose.

Don't waste time begging him to come back, he has a cock where a heart should be and doesn't say a word that hasn't been carefully chosen to get exactly what he wants.

Thought it might give a wry smile tp those who have been there.

would be good

digerd. Sounds like you got a goodun' sorry for your loss.

LineRunner part of keeping men involved with their kids, is to teach their kids that real men are involved with their children... and cook, clean, sew, do whatever their partner can and vice-versa.

If not you just end up with crap perpetuated gendered roles....

I know I probably couldn't guarantee it, but my old man would never go for a honey trap! A girl tried to kiss him in a club once!! i was in the toilet and he was with his friend, i came out to his friend in stitches and my DP practically shaking!! Some just aint got it in 'em! (thank god :)

Aww, digerd :)

So sorry you lost such a treasure.

I read the whole thread whilst travelliong over the past couple of days and it occured to me that the OW on the thread have no idea what it means to be left out of the blue for someone else when you are trying to raise a young family.

On top of the pain and heartbreak of being betrayed by someone you love, there is the awful feeling that maybe your whole life together has been a lie.

Then you have the stress of trying to bring up your young family alone. Comforting unhappy children, who cant work out why their father has left them, trying to put on a brave face whilst feeling wretched for them.

Add to that financial problems, maybe having to move, trying to find employment whilst caring for your childen and the social stigma that follows, as you realise that many of your friends that knew you as a couple no longer invite you out.

If you think about the impact on the deserted spouse, there arent many other things you could do to someone that can be so harmful, but arent actually a crime. It isnt surprising that many deserted partners struggle to recover from this, and that unfaithful partners and OW try to minimise in their minds the harm this causes.

It happened to me. It wasnt an event I had any choice in or any prior warning of. And even though now I have happy children, a good job and a wonderful new partner, it still pains me to reflect on it some years later. I have tried hard not to make it a defining moment in my life, but the truth is, it isnt something that was easy to move on from.

When a man marries/moves in with his mistress, he creates a vacancy....

Thanks Garlic and Woozley, both of you mentioned your immaturity at the time. [Wobbly subsides, mollified].

I just don't think entering into any arrangement with a twat committed man should EVER be mentioned casually or one's own mindset at the time glossed over like it was nothing.

elastamum, That resonates with me.

Me too elastamum.

The last 5 wks have been the worst of my life, seeing my children regularly crying and behaving in new and strange ways. They will get through this stage but I do worry about how it will affect them later.

The family home is now up for sale and this has devastated DD1.

It isnt surprising that many deserted partners struggle to recover from this, and that unfaithful partners and OW try to minimise in their minds the harm this causes.

This is the bit that caused the real harm, actually - the double gaslighting, the phone calls telling me to 'get over it', to 'get a better paid job, then', the 'being too busy' to help the DCs with anything, the telling family and friends that I had forced him out (!), that I was 'crazy', and, initially, that the OW didn't exist.

That was what did me and the DCs damage. That and the withdrawal of financial support fairly bloody rapidly.

elastamum

I wish there was a way to recommend your post, or send it up to the top of the thread...

I have a dear friend going through a similar situation with her young children right now. In the past year I have seen their lives change so much. In her case it is as though her ex wants to erase her from history, while still playing at being the "big family man" who takes his responsibilities as a father seriously.

It is worse than a bereavement for her. At least when a loved one dies they stay dead and don't become a stranger, trying to control the lives of those they have left behind. The OW in this case considers herself to be a most wonderful stepmother to my friend's children, and both she and the ex are completely blind to the effect on my friend and the children of their brutally selfish and self-regarding behaviour.

Even though my friend has adjusted incredibly well to the new reality, and is proud to have found reserves of strength and independence she never knew she had, the trauma of this event has meant that life has changed forever and the effect of that trauma goes on and on.

You are right, elastamum to say the OW on the thread have no idea what it means to be left out of the blue for someone else when you are trying to raise a young family.

Ignorance is certainly a feeble and dishonourable defence. However I still feel that the real culpability belongs to those who make the conscious, wilful decision to abuse the trust of their spouse and children, regardless of the consequences.

I'm really sorry for what people have gone through, it must be really shit to be married for years have children then out of the blue your left for OW. I still feel that the blame ultimately lays at your ex husbands feet. He broke your life apart and shat all over it, e put some else above you and dc. She didn't make any vows to you, or even know you, and putting all the blame and hating her is misplaced.

We are NOT putting ALL the blame on OW.

We KNOW that HE is to blame for breaking his vows to us.

The OW is a shit for her part in wrecking the family.

Hating her is NOT misplaced - we have the right to feel the way we do.

HotChoc I never said hating her was misplaced, it is perfectly understandable - and yes you have every right to feel the way you do.

The point I was making is that he is the one who makes the decision in the full knowledge of his own situation. That isn't always the case for the OW, who is often (as this OP was) also subject to duplicity and deceit. Ultimately, the responsibility for the feelings of his wife and children is his and his alone, and I feel that blaming the OW means that he gets to offload some of that responsibility.

He's the one who makes the choice. She can choose not to get involved from the start, yes - on principle. But if he misrepresents his situation, in reality you can hate her but you can't really blame her if she has also been duped.

She is only implicated in the marital breakdown if that's how he chooses to proceed - ultimately the responsibility for the effect of his actions on his family is his, not hers.

Of course, none of this applies when the OW acts in full knowledge of his actual situation - such as in the case of my dear friend, where it was a family friend, someone she considered a friend. In that case it is a hard-nosed, absolutely despicable joint betrayal - not just of love, marriage and innocent trust but friendship too.

I didn't mention it casually or consider it casually. In fact mostly I don't mention it at all, it's not something to brag about, just something that happened. Just wanted to offer my perspective. Sometimes people do mad and stupid things that feel right at the time, especially in the area of love and lust. Generally it has helped to make me a less judgemental, more compassionate person as I know I am far from perfect morally or in any other sense.

Thanks for your acknowledgement, Wobbly, and glad you've subsided a little

On reflection (decades worth of it ... ) I think anxious wives miss the point of the younger OW. It's not about firmness of tit and smoothness of skin - it's naivety; inexperience. My married lecturer was a triple abuser; he abused his position, my ignorance and his wife's commitment. I didn't see that. Like most young women, I was insecure in my feminine 'value' and his attentions felt like a big compliment, a validation of sorts. He would not have got away with that around intelligent women with more confidence and life experience.

As I said, he left his wife for another student. I should think he's done the same again by now. Wanker. (Oh, and it turned out he'd lied about his qualifications! He was fired. I bet the ex-wife dobbed him in. Heh.)

Like most young women, I was insecure in my feminine 'value' and his attentions felt like a big compliment, a validation of sorts. He would not have got away with that around intelligent women with more confidence and life experience.

Totally agree garlic. Same in my case. I was very insecure about my attractiveness (and lots of things) at 17, and especially didn't trust lads my own age after much piss taking and name calling at school (though the ones at sixth form college were generally much nicer) and someone flirting with me who was attractive and older was like all the lights going on in the illuminations at once. The first time it had been "real" and not unrequited, for one thing.

I am so bored of this stupid, pointless line about when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy being touted around. It is simply not true.

I know so many men, socially & through work & my own ex-husband who have left their wives and are now, very many years on happily still married to their subsequent wives. They are not serial adulterers, not men grooming vulnerable women for sex, they simply were not happily married.

I am also bored of this scarlet woman approach to OWs. That's not real either. It is the married men who break their marriage vows, when they go off with an OW. Yes, the OW should say bugger off & sort yourself out & then come back to me - but that said & done, it is the married person who is always the vow breaker & home wrecker.

I cordially hate my ex-husband's wife & the DCs don't like her either, but she is not possessed by demons & she isn't an evil person. My life before her wasn't a sham, it was my life & I led it as best I could. I don't feel that I am in anyway to blame & whilst it was miserable & depressing & hard work when ex-H left, I'm still here to tell the tale & I'm happy & the DCs are happy.

So, I'm always glad when an OW posts on MN & a few of the absurd myths that persist around these foul temptresses who prowl the streets looking for married men to steal are blown out of the water.

Olaga - my post was aimed at Ineedofbrandy, not you.

postbellumbsugsy, mature post there. that's how i'd see it too. i also agree with the pp that when you're young and settle for a married man, it's not cos you're wicked or selfish. it can be loneliness, low self-esteem etc. things ARE grey.

ps, and look at how that young girl, kirsten stewart was treated after a man nearly twice her age broke his vows. i can't even remember his face tbh, all the vitriol was at her. and funnily enough the public more sympathetic to robbert patterson than to liberty ross.

My life before her wasn't a sham, it was my life & I led it as best I could.

Well said, Bugsy :) Good for you!

I reckon my erstwhile MM did it again - 'created a vacancy' - because that's what he did. There'd been a student before me, one after, and I'm not seeing a transference of love there so much as a pattern of seducing students. As long as he kept them young he could see himself reflected in their lovestruck eyes, rather than the reality of his mirror. The man I married instead of him, too, was a narcissist (classic, in his case) whose ego required a constant feed of fresh female adoration.

The friend I posted about earlier, though, is more likely to have honestly stopped loving W1 in favour of loving W2.

Garlic, most of the men I know who have married their OWs, haven't married younger, slimmer, prettier OWs - they've just left their wives for other women. I think most of the ones I know fell in love. They didn't have mistresses and hadn't been serial adulterers. They don't have vacancies in their lives now.
Yes, what they did was wrong. They should have said "Wife, I have fallen out of love with you, I'm going to leave" & then they should have left & then fallen in love with someone else. Funnily enough the devastation for the wife would have been no less worse, in fact, IMO it may be worse. I'd rather think my ex-H fell so in love with current wife, that he had to leave me because he felt he'd met his soul mate - rather than he simply fell so out of love with me he didn't want to be with me any more.

Really hotchoc you hate someone for what someone else did to you and you don't feel the hate is misplaced. He wrecked your family not her IMO, If husband was commited to the marriage the OW wouldn't of ever happened.

No woman is a magical man eater, stealing husbands that don't want to be stole like a fairy tale where the married partner doesn't have a choice.