Stay at home mum feeling trapped & pretty worthless

[cannotthinkofausername]

I am a mum of two (4 year old ds just started school & a 2 year old dd). I went back to work after having my ds - he was looked after by family. When I had my daughter the family circumstances changed & free childcare was no longer an option. At the same time my husband qualified as an accountant so we agreed that his increased salary should be able to cover the loss of my salary until my dd started nursery next year & would be entitled to her 15hours (his salary has increased from £22k - £44k & I only earnt £7k in an admin role).

The issue is that he always makes me feel guilty about how broke we are - if I ever question anything his response is always "get a job".
He gives me £70 cash each week which covers food shopping and anything I need for the week. Anything extra such as clothes for the children I have to ask him for & he's always awful about it so I usually buy second hand using my food shopping money. I never buy myself anything. I had my haircut last Christmas which my mum paid for - and my mum brought me some clothes for my birthday.

On the other hand he continually buys himself things "because he works hard". I'm writing this now because I feel so angry - I don't usually see bank statements but opened one today in the past month he has spent:

• £40 on blue rays

• £50 on going out
• £60 on X box games
• £200 on speakers for his new gaming laptop (which he brought last month)

Then theres the Iphone 5, The nice new Ipad & he's off to watch England play tonight.

I'm happy to live on a budget I feel priviledged to be in the position to be at home with my children - I love being at home with my DD and being able to take my ds to & from school etc. & they don't need a lot of material possesions at this age of expensive days out (there favourite thing to do is to get the double decker bus (£1.50) into town & take a walk along the pier & maybe share a portion of chips (£1.20)

I spend my life watching every penny - I could tell you how much each item of food I buy each week costs . The past week I've been using the kids shampoo because I couldn't afford the £1.45 I needed for some shampoo.

He says that he works hard but I'm out of bed at least an hour before him each morning & still on the go when he's sat in front of his laptop in the evenings. I know that he has a stressful job (&I on the whole have a lovely job) which is why I always ensure he has time to himself at weekends to unwind - keep the children quiet at weekends so he can lay in. & never expect him to help with the chores involved with the children & home (I'm even a keen diyer!)

This morning he had a huge go at me because our old bank account had gone overdrawn & insisted it was me - when I never have access to it. Luckily that statement came through today too - and there it was £5.95 to a gaming website. Plus I wrote a letter to our old bank 2 months ago saying we wanted to close the account as we do not have a printer I asked my husband if he could print it off so I could send it recorded delivery - he said he sent it from work instead??!!!

Im just so tired of everything being my fault. I know that I have messed up I should have focused on having a career before having children instead of wasting my degree. I feel really trapped.

On top of that my mobile has just stopped working. It's in my husbands name so vodaphone won't speak to me. & when I called him - he said "the phone isn't insured so if you've broke it that's that"!

So instead of spending time with my dd - I've spent most of the day in tears. Feel so rubbish.

Your life is not a joke. You just happen to be married to a dickhead and that can be remedied .

had tge classic "its him not me" but still begging to stay??

I think he's just scared that I could blow away his "nice guy family image" with actual written proof - somethibg he can't put down to "being in my head" coz you know I am "a bit nutty". actual proof that he could talk to his wife in the middle of such a conversation. what kind of man have I wasted my life on.

it really does feel as though nice people finish last. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but I've honestly spent my life putting others first & for what???

accountant Neill (I supported him through 9 years of study & no money - he didn't even drive when we met), teeth now whitened by annual hygenist (I found dentist & registered him - can't afford to have mine checked), straight eyes (again due to enquiries & apt I made - he had a squint never bothered me but was upsetting him), two gorgeous intelligent children (need I say more??) who comes out tge best in this relationship? slim, pretty, intelligent19 year old uni student now frumpy mother of two with no money or assets in her name & no career prospects?! nearly 14 years later

Sweetheart, you will come out the best... Because you will come out yourself, with your two gorgeous children.

He'll be a dickhead for the rest of his life.

This man is a financial bully, he has another woman, he wants to leave.

You don't have nothing, you have your beautiful children, and when he's gone you will have your own budget to manage as you like.

I'm guessing you don't feel strong enough for it, but I imagine it would be quite satisfying to bag up his stuff and leave it outside.

Be brave, and you will get through this. X

he's still begging to stay - saying it was an ego boost even mentioned midlife crisis

He's a joke, let him leave.

Be true to yourself, think about what you really want. It is your choice.

You also don't need to make a decision today, let him sweat.

Hello there- I do hope you see this post amongst the hundreds of lovely responses and I hope I can help a little bit.

Firstly, let me tell you a bit about me and then you'll understand why your post has made me respond.

I am a single mum to a 12 week old boy. I left my partner when I was 15 weeks pregnant because he was controlling and emotionally abusive. It took me a long time to recognise and admit that this is what he was because he never hit me or anything like that and at times, our relationship was good. I felt like a fraud and a liar (which he still says I am!) and it took a very long time to accept that I'd been a victim of abuse. I am an intelligent and educated woman and felt so stupid for finding myself in that position.

Reading your original post felt so familiar to me and I wanted to say well done for seeking some advice. Reading your subsequent posts suggests to me that you are where I was- starting to recognise the problem but not fully ready or able to admit to it.

I think it's there at the back of your mind- it's appalling to make you terminate a pregnancy, not support you through your grief, belittle you for staying at home and treating you like a poor relation. I was kept cold for not contributing to heating bills and made to feel small if he paid for anything.

You sound like an intelligent woman and you have gone some way to acknowledging the problem. Please remember that all a abusers are not 'on' all the time. It's still abuse if your relationship is nice sometimes.

I really hope this helps you in some way
Xxx

Sorry I've just read some of your further posts-
I grew up in an abusive environment too, I think that's why I found it so hard to admit I was in an abusive relationship- I felt as though I ought to have known better.

I think you know that the discussion with him is designed to wrong foot and confuse you further- it's dangerous territory because he is skilled at manipulating you.

My mum got out of her abusive relationship when I was a teen and I had so much admiration for her strength. It hasn't kept me safe from an abusive relationship but taught me the skills and gave me the strength to recognise it and walk away. As hard as being a single mum is, I wasn't going to raise my son in that environment.

You have a little girl, yes? Teach her how to be strong, like her mummy. And show her that she is worth more than abuse, as are you. You can break the cycle and you are so nearly there xxx

I have only read the op and would like to say:

HE IS A TOTAL AND UTTER CUNT

What Hully said.

I feel so sad for you OP, I hope you find the strength to leave him

I haven't read everyone else's replies so apologies if this is already been asked. but, are you married? Are you both on the mortgage? I would take him for all he is worth money wise and run like the wind. You are an intelligent and lovely sounding woman who deserves (and can get) so much better.

he's only just left for work. managed to take my ds ti school tgis morning pretending everything is ok - if nothing else my childhood has given me that 'skill'. he's only just left for work - has been begging me to give him another chance.

I have told him, begged him to go away & seriously think about what he is asking of me? that ok I concede if you reread their conversation nothing physical has happened yet (& "people get over actual affairs") but he has emotionally cheated on me. he knows me better than anyone & knows without doubt for me there is very little or no difference.

I have told him out of respect for me and his children he really needs to tgink about what has happened before he rushes to beg to keep us together out of guilt/ family image etc.
yes its hard to be told someone no longer loves you at least you can move on feeling an ounce of respect. especially if thst person gives you an amicable break up.

the lies - I just can't stand the lies & trying to entangled them & conversations with him.

sorry rambling, tired, didn't sleep last night.

I would suggest that he goes NOW. Gives you the space and the control to decide what you think you should do.
You are not an idiot. Better people have and will continue to have the wool pulled over their eyes by abusers who feed them with lies, ad all because they have a dream of what they want, but a warped sense of how to achieve it from previous abuse (usually set down and absorbed in childhood)
With that in mind you will be saving your children from following your example, and offering them a chance of future happiness even if in the short term the changes cause a bit of natural unhappiness.
You need to speak to a councillor. You need to get to the root of the poor self esteem and get some good solid thinking in place, so that you will never accept anything less than love and equality from a partner in the future. Womens aid (may seem OTT to you, but stick with me here) can give you good advice, and recommend a programme such as 'The Freedom Programme' which you can do in person or online.
While he is gone you can apply for tax credits/child credits and income support, as well as housing benefit if thats relevent. You can look at how much maintanance he needs to pay, and to be honest I would by pass the emotional minefield that is a private negotiation and go straight to the CSA if you decide that you dont want him back.
You are alot stronger than you think. You have dealt with daily abuse, an unwanted termination, depression and budgeting on a pittance, and yet you are still here. You have 2 beautiful children, one who has been recognised as G&T. You have clothed, fed and nurtured them, now its time to be strong and set them an example as to how to stand up for yourself, and demand respect. Your aunt recommended you work as a classroom assistant - she must see potential in that. That may seem like madness right now, but as a single parent you would be able to access help for retraining that your husband would probably object to providing. You could start as a classroom assistant, schools often help with attaining TA status, and your degree could be a step to a PGCE (is that right??) once you are stronger and have more time. Is that a future you would like?? Do you think you could achieve that with your husband?? You sound like a really kind and nurturing person (those who have suffered abuse often seem to be the most caring) and absolutely wonderful for work in early years education. And WTC will also help with childcare costs if you want any other work.
Its like ripping off a plaster - initially this might be hard and painful, but in the long run it really gives you and your children the chance for a happy future where you are all able to be happy and fullfilled.

I can't add to the great advice given. I had one like this though I have to say he was way more generous with the weekly allowance. He was a high earner and gave me around a third of it, though this was only after I threw him out for insisting on taking me shopping each week. He didn't really query what was spent because he likes good food and wine but I never had a penny in my pocket between times. I too then suggested a weekly allowance so I wouldn't have to run everything by him.

He used to tell me to get a well paid job and then I had to "make things happen for yourself Emma", this with a three year old with SN and a new born. He spent the rest of his income on clothes and his social life, I had no clue whatsoever about family finances.

it's a disgusting way to treat someone, no better than a child or family pet. I think you need to leave this awful man. Benefits aren't great but it's way more than you are getting now I promise you that. If you are showing him this thread tell him this from me:-

"OP's H you are a disgusting, bullying abusive man and you should be ashamed of yourself with your ridiculous apples while your dc and wife eat low quality food, hundreds of people on here are absolutely disgusted by you and I wholeheartedly recommend that your wife leaves you and takes your dc as you do not deserve them, you pathetic excuse for a person".

Sorry just caught up . Tbh I thought this must be going on from the OP but didn't want to throw it into the mix.

Get rid OP, just get rid. He is so like my ex and they NEVER change, just get worse and worse till they've taken everything from you.

Please, please get rid of him. In a very short time afterwards you will feel better off in every possible way.

One way to help you decide what it is you want to do is to ask him to leave for a few weeks. Tell him that if he loves you and wants the relationship to work, then he'll give you the space that you need to decide what you want to happen going forward.

If he agrees, then great, you get some space and can start figuring out how you feel & what you want going forward.

If he refuses, then you know that all his patter about being ever so sorry & how he'll do anything to prove how much he loves you etc is just that... Patter.

I think you're better off without him, myself.

yes, and given space and left to your own devices, you may well find that you are much much happier and you dont want him back.
He probably knows this which is why he wont respect you and do as you ask. Even if he does go he will keep bombarding you with texts/visits on any pretext. Being all sorrowfull, then loving, then nasty and threatening. Thats the usual pattern.
and guilt, I forgot about trying to get you with the guilt about how you could do this to him, and how you are preventing him seeing his kids/breaking up the family.

FWIW I think he probably had the fling as he felt entitled to because of having to give you more money. If you were getting extra, then he deserved it too

hw's alreafy started with the guilt - his life is over woe is me etc etc.

I dint know what to do but I know this time is different to any other time I've hit breaking point before.

all those times before I've just wanted to see him, for him to put his arms around me etc& tell me he loves me everything is going to be ok.

I'm expecting him home any minute & I feel sick just thinking about seeing him again. when I think of what he has done I cant stop crying. I feel sick at the thought orchids being anywhere near me - let alone touching me.

of him

It sounds as if your feelings have switched, and often that is the time when everything changes and the boot will be on the other foot, because you are in control and you are no longer desperate to hang onto him at any cost. This enables you to look at him through new eyes, even though you are upset and worried about the future. I don't believe you can go back once you reach that point, and you are able to see all his promises as hollow.
Is there somewhere he can go - a friends house, the other woman, his parents. Please find someone in real life to confide in and be honest about what's been going on and why he is out before he gets the chance to lie about it and paint you as the bad guy, which he will do once he realises that his words aren't having the effect he wants. As you say, his image to the outside world is very important to him.
Get as much financial info as possible and see if you can speak to a solicitor ASAP - you can get free advice initially and may qualify for legal aid. Knowledge is power. Find out exactly where you will stand,it will give you strength to know things won't be as bad financially as you have probably be living on already.
Xxx

Oh, and if he is really going heavy on the woe is me stuff and threatens to top himself, call the police and report it - they will contact emergency services. It's not up to you if he does that, if he is serious he needs psychiatric help, and if he is bluffing the police involvement means he won't do that again. Similarly call the police if he gets scary or threatening