Stay at home mum feeling trapped & pretty worthless

[cannotthinkofausername]

I am a mum of two (4 year old ds just started school & a 2 year old dd). I went back to work after having my ds - he was looked after by family. When I had my daughter the family circumstances changed & free childcare was no longer an option. At the same time my husband qualified as an accountant so we agreed that his increased salary should be able to cover the loss of my salary until my dd started nursery next year & would be entitled to her 15hours (his salary has increased from £22k - £44k & I only earnt £7k in an admin role).

The issue is that he always makes me feel guilty about how broke we are - if I ever question anything his response is always "get a job".
He gives me £70 cash each week which covers food shopping and anything I need for the week. Anything extra such as clothes for the children I have to ask him for & he's always awful about it so I usually buy second hand using my food shopping money. I never buy myself anything. I had my haircut last Christmas which my mum paid for - and my mum brought me some clothes for my birthday.

On the other hand he continually buys himself things "because he works hard". I'm writing this now because I feel so angry - I don't usually see bank statements but opened one today in the past month he has spent:

• £40 on blue rays

• £50 on going out
• £60 on X box games
• £200 on speakers for his new gaming laptop (which he brought last month)

Then theres the Iphone 5, The nice new Ipad & he's off to watch England play tonight.

I'm happy to live on a budget I feel priviledged to be in the position to be at home with my children - I love being at home with my DD and being able to take my ds to & from school etc. & they don't need a lot of material possesions at this age of expensive days out (there favourite thing to do is to get the double decker bus (£1.50) into town & take a walk along the pier & maybe share a portion of chips (£1.20)

I spend my life watching every penny - I could tell you how much each item of food I buy each week costs . The past week I've been using the kids shampoo because I couldn't afford the £1.45 I needed for some shampoo.

He says that he works hard but I'm out of bed at least an hour before him each morning & still on the go when he's sat in front of his laptop in the evenings. I know that he has a stressful job (&I on the whole have a lovely job) which is why I always ensure he has time to himself at weekends to unwind - keep the children quiet at weekends so he can lay in. & never expect him to help with the chores involved with the children & home (I'm even a keen diyer!)

This morning he had a huge go at me because our old bank account had gone overdrawn & insisted it was me - when I never have access to it. Luckily that statement came through today too - and there it was £5.95 to a gaming website. Plus I wrote a letter to our old bank 2 months ago saying we wanted to close the account as we do not have a printer I asked my husband if he could print it off so I could send it recorded delivery - he said he sent it from work instead??!!!

Im just so tired of everything being my fault. I know that I have messed up I should have focused on having a career before having children instead of wasting my degree. I feel really trapped.

On top of that my mobile has just stopped working. It's in my husbands name so vodaphone won't speak to me. & when I called him - he said "the phone isn't insured so if you've broke it that's that"!

So instead of spending time with my dd - I've spent most of the day in tears. Feel so rubbish.

He will NEVER change. He is never going to wake up and think differently. The way he behaves is how he is. The way he treats you is what you get with this individual. Nothing you do or say or show him or tell him will make him change. Never. Ever.

If you stay, this is the life you get with him. If you leave, you get a new path to follow. The choice is yours to make.

You don't want to become me, trust me! The only reason I can make sense is cos I was once in an emotionally abusive relationship (with some mild financial abuse too), so I speak from experience. These arseholes follow such a typical pattern that you can laugh about it after a while (bitterly and hollowly!). Luckily I didn't have Dc with him. My DH now is wonderful, the opposite of everything that git did and was. Life can and will get better and better when you get free of abuse.

You have done more than most women would be willing or capable to do to make things work and I am awed by your strength. The work that needs to be done is all on his side and you know, you surely know he will never do it. Well, no doubt he'll promise if and when you tell him to slig his hook. If he thought you and the Dc were worth it, he'd have done it already.

Sleep and feel better and clearer in the morning. I will be here to remind you he's a twat!

Hope tomorrow goes well for you, everyone deserves respect and to be happy in a relationship. Be proud that you're a good parent, it's the most important job in the world (and well done on the potty training, we start on Sunday).

Can I just say that I don't think there is any point in having this 'conversation' with him. You sound anxious about it. So I would not even speak to him. Instead do as advised above and collect all evidence of how much money there is, bank statments etc, contact the help advised above and start preparing for separation.

He sounds v cruel and trying to reason with him or explain why you are leaving or anything is pointless and will cause you stress and give him an opportunity to be nasty.

I have read the whole thread and been thinking about it all day.

I do agree with all the above posters, he sounds worse than awful.

What was he like when he earnt 22k and you 7k? Just for my interest.

I do agree with the above that if you left you would be better off. My mind boggles at how a man could be so mean to his family. Best wishes to you and your lovely dcs.

I also have an abusive ex and current DH who is the opposite. That's what makes reading your posts so upsetting. There is a better life out there for you (with or without a better man).

To put into perspective- I'm very pregnant and tired. DH has been at work today (out of house 7.30-6.00).
Since he has got in he has- done some drawing with us at the kitchen table, got changed out of work clothes, taken 2yr old to supermarket to get a few essentials (checking if I want anything), returned with a magazine for me (not asked for), put DS to bed, theb collected a takeaway.

Tomorrow he is taking DS for a long walk so I can rest. He offered to do this I didn't have to ask.
We're a team so whilst I'm pregnant and struggling with OUR child so he picks up the slack.
Can hear him now scraping plates in the kitchen!

You on the otherhand are treated like the domestic help. I don't think he'll change either. By all means go away for a weekend but do it for yourself not with the hope if getting through to him. I did this about 4 times- it made NO difference to his behaviour but was time for me in a healthier environment.

Well done on potty training too- I'm starting in a couple weeks too.

OP please please update in a.m so we know you got some rest.

Agree take kids to mums or similar for weekend, just go first thing and don't even tell him.

Calm and quietly gather as much as you can.

Galaxy a good phone to snap pics of bank statements.

Good luck, I'm so fucking angry on your behalf.

KNOW this is NOT about an iPad or Xbox. This is about him thinking he is king of the fucking world. And he is not.

Xxxx

Talk to him, it sounds as if he may not not have cottoned on to the implications of his behaviour. He's had a big jump in income recently and it doesn't sound as if he 's adjusted to that, practically or emotionally.

I think he may need to be reminded of how much shopping costs. And definitely get a joint account!

He hasnt cottoned on?

Hes an accountant fgs. Ofcourse he has cottoned on.

And money has nothing to do with not spending time with your kids or forcing your wife to have a termination.

Talk to him, it sounds as if he may not not have cottoned on to the implications of his behaviour. He's had a big jump in income recently and it doesn't sound as if he 's adjusted to that, practically or emotionally.

I think he may need to be reminded of how much shopping costs. definitely get a joint account. You should also get a lie-in one dayof the weekend. You could be kind and let him pick which day he prefers.

None of that excuses his behaviour, nametaken. Your post reads like he's a great guy who is just being a little bit tight without realising. And it really is not like that. If only this was just about getting a joint account!

I think OP has broached this with him... he took it out on his kids and cancelled trip to see Santa FFS

Am reading between the lines, of course, and am not excusing the selfishness or the drama, or nastiness. But my feeling is that the dh is being demonised which is not helpful for the op.

Couldn't if this particular individual has potential to turn this around, op is the better judge.

ok - can't sleep!
I didn;t reply to angry texts - but now the apology texts have started - and him asking me to reassure him about our future - my only response has been to point out that am I only worthy of a text - not a phone call or face to face conv? Does he expect to make it all better via a couple of texts so that he can act like its all ok tomorrow?
His response - he wants to talk & sort this out tomorrow.

i grew up in an abusive environment - physical & emotional. Am I, have I, put these issues into this relationship? Seen things in a squewed way? Maybe nametaken is right??
Am I "playing the role of a victim" the role I grew up with which has caused these problems.
I'm not naturally someone who demands more. I always put others before myself but then I reach breaking point and snap like today. have I played the martytr??
Is this my fault?
Excuse the classic victim statment "is this my fault"

I'm so confused so messed up.

Just to clarrify a few things
when he was on £22k & I on £7k there were similar issues but I had my own income. he would pay mortgage, car loan etc. I would pay council tax, water bills and food shopping

He didn't force me to have a termination. he didnt drag me there - I walked in on my own accord. He did say we couldn't afford the baby and for the sake of our family I couldn't keep the baby. I did say i wanted to keep the baby but I wasn't forceful enough - I know I should have argued my corner more - pushed questions about finances etc.

It's so difficult to explain it all on here. This has always been an unhappy relationship - from the very start - but I was only 19 - not long out of my family situation and dealing with my own issues. I have to take some resposnibility for the pattern this relationship has taken.
I so desperatley wanted to be loved would have done anything for him - it is probably a less destructive relationship now than it was then - it was pretty awful - I definatley changed when had DC particularly DD.

Oh jesus - now I feel guilty for dragging everyone in to this mess - when I can't even fully explain the situation

I think you already know what to do.

Don't feel guilty! People on here care about you because you sound lovely but you don't owe us a thing :)

I think you know what to do too. You have gone straight from an abusive family into an abusive marriage. But you're recognising that this isn't okay and that's bloody brilliant because it means you're healing.

Picture your life without him in it. Don't think about the finances, just imagine what your life could be like without all this stress. You don't need him. He's freaking out because he's realising you've realised that. You're taking good steps, keep on going.

but then I'm not imagining the financial situation- & I have queried the money situation numerous times over the past year & how he leads a different life to us - its not a new revelation to him just the first time I've had paper proof

Stop panicking. The only thing you said that matters right now is that you have never been happy. Everything else, all the rest just let it melt away. It does not matter, the analysis can wait. You have never been happy. This is your fear of ending the "devil" you know situation, that's all. 6 years on, 4 years married to lovely dh I still have ridiculous self doubt like this. You are right to say it is because of being abused. You are wrong to say that this means you have to take some responsibility.

sorry rambling again

wrote that before I read your message offred - thank you

I meant that if it is lack of money that is making you worry about leaving, I don't think you should worry about that. You can cope brilliantly with fuck all. You are being given less to live on than I did when I was on income support with only one child.

You aren't imagining it, it is hard to see objectively from inside. How things are is not right. You don't need to think through the whys yet. You could get some support from women's aid, that would be a good plan, but thinking through things too much now is just tying yourself in knots. It isn't right and you are not happy and you want to be away from him but you are understandably afraid of what else is out there.

Love even if you were the most horrible, nasty wife in the whole world, why punish the children? How could they have a victim complex or be a martyr or have brought it on themselves?

Would a good man splurge on a vita (which is a very new gadget) and England tickets when his children never have new clothes or uncheap food to eat? Would a good man threaten to cancel christmas because his wife pointed out that 10% of the family's income is not enough to feed and clothe 75% of the family?

You could say that your childhood has conditioned you to take abuse so you put up with more abuse and for a longer time than others because that's what you know. But that's just sad and angry making on your behalf, not because of you and how you are.

I think some posters try to play 'devils advocate' and they do it in such a clumsy and obvious way it's laughable to people outside the situation. But when you are in an abusive situation or you have been conditioned to be abused you constantly question yourself and you think other people's thoughts, opinions and feelings carry more weight than your own.

If you want to have it out with him you need to be assertive and you need to know what you want. Being a bit more generous sometimes is not a killer bargain. You could say you want 75% of family income after bills for you and two dc. If he wants you to continue buying his lunches then you'll need more to cover his food bill too. I think this is reasonable considering you are a family unit.

OP it feels a bit like you are doubting yourself because he has apologised and wants to sort it tomorrow.

Please dont fall into thinking he has finally got it and will change. Hes just trying to sweeten you up again to stop you questioning.

You are the only one who knows your husband. So if you think talking to him and addressing the inequality head on will help, do it.

But go into the conversation with the firm belief that you are not making this up and you are not to blame. Dont let him twist your words or turn it onto you. Stay strong!

If it helps whatever is out there cannot be as bad as this. There are opportunities outside this miserable life for you and your children most people aren't abusers. You can be and deserve to be happy and you might need some support to unpick negative patterns but I think you'd be surprised how much easier things are if you did leave.