Stay at home mum feeling trapped & pretty worthless

[cannotthinkofausername]

I am a mum of two (4 year old ds just started school & a 2 year old dd). I went back to work after having my ds - he was looked after by family. When I had my daughter the family circumstances changed & free childcare was no longer an option. At the same time my husband qualified as an accountant so we agreed that his increased salary should be able to cover the loss of my salary until my dd started nursery next year & would be entitled to her 15hours (his salary has increased from £22k - £44k & I only earnt £7k in an admin role).

The issue is that he always makes me feel guilty about how broke we are - if I ever question anything his response is always "get a job".
He gives me £70 cash each week which covers food shopping and anything I need for the week. Anything extra such as clothes for the children I have to ask him for & he's always awful about it so I usually buy second hand using my food shopping money. I never buy myself anything. I had my haircut last Christmas which my mum paid for - and my mum brought me some clothes for my birthday.

On the other hand he continually buys himself things "because he works hard". I'm writing this now because I feel so angry - I don't usually see bank statements but opened one today in the past month he has spent:

• £40 on blue rays

• £50 on going out
• £60 on X box games
• £200 on speakers for his new gaming laptop (which he brought last month)

Then theres the Iphone 5, The nice new Ipad & he's off to watch England play tonight.

I'm happy to live on a budget I feel priviledged to be in the position to be at home with my children - I love being at home with my DD and being able to take my ds to & from school etc. & they don't need a lot of material possesions at this age of expensive days out (there favourite thing to do is to get the double decker bus (£1.50) into town & take a walk along the pier & maybe share a portion of chips (£1.20)

I spend my life watching every penny - I could tell you how much each item of food I buy each week costs . The past week I've been using the kids shampoo because I couldn't afford the £1.45 I needed for some shampoo.

He says that he works hard but I'm out of bed at least an hour before him each morning & still on the go when he's sat in front of his laptop in the evenings. I know that he has a stressful job (&I on the whole have a lovely job) which is why I always ensure he has time to himself at weekends to unwind - keep the children quiet at weekends so he can lay in. & never expect him to help with the chores involved with the children & home (I'm even a keen diyer!)

This morning he had a huge go at me because our old bank account had gone overdrawn & insisted it was me - when I never have access to it. Luckily that statement came through today too - and there it was £5.95 to a gaming website. Plus I wrote a letter to our old bank 2 months ago saying we wanted to close the account as we do not have a printer I asked my husband if he could print it off so I could send it recorded delivery - he said he sent it from work instead??!!!

Im just so tired of everything being my fault. I know that I have messed up I should have focused on having a career before having children instead of wasting my degree. I feel really trapped.

On top of that my mobile has just stopped working. It's in my husbands name so vodaphone won't speak to me. & when I called him - he said "the phone isn't insured so if you've broke it that's that"!

So instead of spending time with my dd - I've spent most of the day in tears. Feel so rubbish.

And if you choose to stay women's aid would help support that too but whatever you do make sure it is a choice and not just a fear reaction.

Also, if you do choose to stay, dont ever feel like you cant come on here asking for more support and advice. I know a lot of people feel like that.

The support is here no matter what choice you make. We will not blame you for staying.

please don't back down now. his nasty 'I will hurt you' texts followed by 'please don't leave me' texts (when he got no response to the nasty) are all part of the cycle. you must be strong and start looking forward towards a different future.

doing what you've been doing for the past X years hasn't changed him into a decent man. time to start doing something different, for yourself and your children.

In fact, he should be worried about you leaving, because he will have less money at his disposal, and nobody to take care of the home for him, nor the children with whom he'll actually be expected to spend time with.

To be fair, it might not be 90% for him, personally, as he's probably paying mortgage, domestic bills, etc.
But, CB and tax credits will be with him too, right?

Morning OP - hope you had a good nights sleep and your head feels a bit clearer this morning. I've just re-read your opening post and it's made me wonder if there is debt you don't know about? The fact your H gives you cash and has bank stuff sent to work reminds me very much of a friend who is in a similar situation. It turned out her H had run up a big overdraft on a bank account she didn't know about. Do you have access to enough financial info to work out how much your bills are each month? From that you should be able to work out how much disposable income there should be.

Good luck - remember you are doing a very valuable job raising your kids, especially given the circumstances you are having to do it in. The vast majority of people recognise the importance of what you are doing, it's a pity your H isn't one of them.

Ok he's being conciliatory now because the bullying didn't work. Well done on ignoring by the way. Now he is going for damage limitation. He will probably offer you some sop now. An increase of your 'allowance' to maybe £100 a week and expect you to shut up and get one with things.
Don't fall for this. Be clear that the imbalance in your relationship has to end. Anything less them equal access to and say I how money is spent is unacceptable. Don't bother getting in to the detail of what he has spent, he will just bog you down in the individual purchases. What is relevant is he has control of all the finances. You have access to 70 a week and he has all the rest. This is unfair.
TBH I very much doubt that he will agree to joint arrangements. You need to be prepared to accept there may only be a slight improvement and that it will probably be temporary. Your problems are also greater that the money. His lack of interest in the kids and respect for you is a huge cause for concern. Equality needs to spread into his contribution to childcare and housework as well. His attitude is that he is the most important person on your house. And I don't know if that will ever change. I know you want to give him a chance to change so try of you must but you should be clear to him that his options or change or its over. You need to consider alternatives and that you all would be better off without him

soldierkatnisseverdeen - in reply to your comment upthread: so sorry. You are quite right. That was a lousy word, and I even tried to find another one. I didn't mean it physically at all. I meant it light heartedly - not nagged, but sort of jollied out of him. In my defense I have a stinking cold and wasn't thinking clearly, but you're right. Bad use of wrong word. Sorry.

As a single mum myself - OP it sounds as though you are too, already. You do everything around the house and DIY. He gives you an allowance, to do everything include feed him and the kids? Honestly? This is not what a married life should be about. It sounds more like my life living on CSA payments, only I don't have to tiptoe about some lazy man getting a lie in after spending every evening gaming and watching footy probably making a mess at the same time for you to tidy up

I would get out and do it alone, reducing your workload and stress by half. You don't sound like you would be loosing anything that way, but gaining freedom and probably more money per week.

Lovely - you could have your talk and see where it gets you. You could ask him why he bullies you financially and emotionally and why he thinks it's fine to cancel a trip for his kids but spend hundreds on speakers?
But i really think the termination would be making me want some time apart. I think you need to do that, away from him.

You say the relationship has never been much good, you were very young when you met and you had come straight out of an abusive family. I think that means you have probably put up with all this for longer than you had to, a fact he is using to his advantage. You are not a victim. Your mum will be there to support you i hope, ignore the 'i told you so's', i'm sure she has made mistakes in the past and will probably be glad you are away from him. When your family and the people you know are all united in their dislike of your partner it's usually because they know he's not worthy of you.

I'm not demonising him. But i do think some time apart is a good thing. You have a lot of thinking to do. Being on your own will not be as scary as you think.

Hope everything is OK OP. Have you talked to him?

Oh dear autumnmum now I am worrying there might be a debt in this picture too. Your comments reminded me of the ex of a neighbour - he was very secretive about money and statements and so on - she discovered he had remortgaged the house to pay gambling debts without her knowledge. Needless to say, they divorced and she is now happily married to someone else (whom her DS from the gambling ex adores).

Just read the whole thread. You are clearly a wonderful person and mum. I really hope if you did talk with him tonight that the outcome is right for you and your dc

would I be right in assuming he was brought up to believe that the man is the leader of the household as that is what he looks like. He does not see you as a full human being more a childcare and maintence droid with sex receptacles. You planning on leaving means his maintenance droid will go offline!
He is being nice because he cannot stand the horror of dirty pants, dishes and DIY jobs to do.

If you stay with him, don't accept the offer of an increase in your allowance. I would insist on the idea of an allowance being kicked into touch completely.

Marriages need a financial system that both partners think is fair. My advice is to work out what your outgoings are. Bills, food, swimming, essentials (it's awful that you can't buy shampoo) and savings, if possible.

Then deduct that from what he brings in, and the rest is divided 50/50.

It might need another bank account or two to be opened.

Even if he is trading in his old games for new ones, if your financial position is precarious enough to be skimping on shampoo and relying on your mother to pay for swimming, then he should be selling them off, rather than trading them in.

he wants to talk & sort this out tomorrow
,
If he thinks he can sort it out with one discussion and if he doesn't acknowledge that you are very unhappy I think a physical break (which others have recommended on other threads to posters in similar positions) ie move to your mum's or something, is the initial answer. Then you can think straight away from the stress he causes and you will speak to him in a week or so or when you are feeling more up to it. (and don't read his texts)

I was a SAHM and we had joint accounts, credit cards everything. And I had the hardest job by a long shot.

please think of yourself.He sounds like a selfish pratt.I expect he likes the house tidy and clean clothes all the time.He sounds like a bully and control freak.Its emotional abuse as well.Poor kiddies they wont be kiddies for long.One of my favorite sayings is treat people how you would like to be treated.NOT A SELFISH PIG.hE NEEDS TO BE PUT IN HIS PLACE.

De-lurking to post and I hope that you are okay.

You have been given some amazing advice already so I'll just tell you my situation. I became a SAHM 8 years ago when Ds1 was 16 months old. We relocated with Dh's job and after a couple of months of unpacking the house and getting Christmas out of the way we realised that on Dh's increased salary we were doing fine.

We have a joint bank account and I have a credit card in Dh's name that I use to buy everything on, food, clothes, petrol, whatever I need. That gets paid off as an automatic payment every month from the joint account.

My child benefit gets paid into my own account and I withdraw that as cash and that is used to pay for the window cleaner, takeaway once every couple of weeks and any coffees out I have in the day. It is used by both of us, he just takes it from my bag and tells me he has done it. It is just part of our money.

Both my children are in school, Ds2 is 6, I am still not working and because of this Dh has progressed his career and his salary has massively increased. I do not feel like his personal servant, yes I do all the housework apart from clear down the kitchen at night but then I don't have children with me in the day. I don't feel put upon, or miserable or unappreciated.

My phone is also a Samsung Galaxy ii and is on contract in my name. So any problems, I can deal with it. It doesn't matter that I don't have a salary, I have had contract phones for about 5 years.

You shouldn't be "given" housekeeping money, this isn't the 1950's you should have access to the money wherever that may be and he should understand that you are an adult and can limit your spending. Any large purchases get discussed beforehand just so you don't both do it and your account goes overdrawn. I am never given an amount to stick to.

I truly hope that you can get your life the way you want it to be, whatever that may be.

What badlad said.

Although I do think its much more than being about the money and unlike racing I dont think there is any point trying to re educate your DH into being a good man.

I am a single mum OP and its just so much nicer than being in a horrible marriage

Also de-lurking to say this is an awful situation, and needs sorting out. I hope you find the strength to take action.

Your mum sounds a forthright type- could she help you fight this battle to get joint finances?

Hi op I hope you are ok.

I don't think anyone has posted figures yet.

44k a year is £2,676.40 in your hand per month. Assuming no pension contributions.

Which leaves him just under £2400 per month after he gives you your money.

If you have had access to bank statements, you will have a rough idea how much mortgage, council tax, loans etc are and what is left over.

Even if the entire lot was going on bills (which it blatantly isn't in this case) the ATTITUDE he has is awful, just awful. I hope you are feeling strong. X

everyone was right. I was the mug who tried to make it work - took the higher allowance & promises. then found out tonight there is another woman/girl - I've heard him beg & apologise all night. his argument that its only flirting he hasn't actually cheated. we slept together last night then today he told this girl how much he wanted to sleep with her 'that he wished he had tried harder last time" , told her he was booking a restaurant for Dec 28th. was leaving me in the ny as his mother-in-law had given us a house it(lies).
feel so sick.

oh well& in the middle of this testing conversation called me yo check by had fixed our internet!

texting conversation called me to check whether bt had fixed the internet today

Kick him out and thank your stars for the escape.

my entire adult life a lie a joke.