Stay at home mum feeling trapped & pretty worthless

[cannotthinkofausername]

I am a mum of two (4 year old ds just started school & a 2 year old dd). I went back to work after having my ds - he was looked after by family. When I had my daughter the family circumstances changed & free childcare was no longer an option. At the same time my husband qualified as an accountant so we agreed that his increased salary should be able to cover the loss of my salary until my dd started nursery next year & would be entitled to her 15hours (his salary has increased from £22k - £44k & I only earnt £7k in an admin role).

The issue is that he always makes me feel guilty about how broke we are - if I ever question anything his response is always "get a job".
He gives me £70 cash each week which covers food shopping and anything I need for the week. Anything extra such as clothes for the children I have to ask him for & he's always awful about it so I usually buy second hand using my food shopping money. I never buy myself anything. I had my haircut last Christmas which my mum paid for - and my mum brought me some clothes for my birthday.

On the other hand he continually buys himself things "because he works hard". I'm writing this now because I feel so angry - I don't usually see bank statements but opened one today in the past month he has spent:

• £40 on blue rays

• £50 on going out
• £60 on X box games
• £200 on speakers for his new gaming laptop (which he brought last month)

Then theres the Iphone 5, The nice new Ipad & he's off to watch England play tonight.

I'm happy to live on a budget I feel priviledged to be in the position to be at home with my children - I love being at home with my DD and being able to take my ds to & from school etc. & they don't need a lot of material possesions at this age of expensive days out (there favourite thing to do is to get the double decker bus (£1.50) into town & take a walk along the pier & maybe share a portion of chips (£1.20)

I spend my life watching every penny - I could tell you how much each item of food I buy each week costs . The past week I've been using the kids shampoo because I couldn't afford the £1.45 I needed for some shampoo.

He says that he works hard but I'm out of bed at least an hour before him each morning & still on the go when he's sat in front of his laptop in the evenings. I know that he has a stressful job (&I on the whole have a lovely job) which is why I always ensure he has time to himself at weekends to unwind - keep the children quiet at weekends so he can lay in. & never expect him to help with the chores involved with the children & home (I'm even a keen diyer!)

This morning he had a huge go at me because our old bank account had gone overdrawn & insisted it was me - when I never have access to it. Luckily that statement came through today too - and there it was £5.95 to a gaming website. Plus I wrote a letter to our old bank 2 months ago saying we wanted to close the account as we do not have a printer I asked my husband if he could print it off so I could send it recorded delivery - he said he sent it from work instead??!!!

Im just so tired of everything being my fault. I know that I have messed up I should have focused on having a career before having children instead of wasting my degree. I feel really trapped.

On top of that my mobile has just stopped working. It's in my husbands name so vodaphone won't speak to me. & when I called him - he said "the phone isn't insured so if you've broke it that's that"!

So instead of spending time with my dd - I've spent most of the day in tears. Feel so rubbish.

Ask him if you can get a joint account. If he says no, ask him why not. His answer tells you all you need to know.

So you know you can live on a budget and love looking after your kids.

All this you can do without a nasty bully around.

You will be entitled to maintenance and benefits. You will maybe need to move to a smaller home, but won't the trade-off be worth it?

You can do it. When you're ready.

I'm so sorry to hear about your termination and how it is still affecting you now.

He's an abusive git, and I don't say that lightly. Finances should be joint. If he were to hire someone to do all the things you do for the family, he'd be skint. You should each have the same amount of disposable income. And with him earning that salary, little treats for you and the children are affordable. :( for you.

Dont hate yourself Op. He doesn't sound very pleasant. Systematically breaking down your self esteem via your financial situation is just horrible and very controlling.

I think you going to have to tackle this head on and set some new rules but I know how hard that is and not even sure if he will be open to it.

LeChat has some very good advice.

Yep I am here to second it

You are in a gilded cage and need to get out

I second keeping quiet and planning your escape route carefully

Sorry but I am giving you my first ever "Leave the bastard"

He blames you for being broke.

You get £70 per week to buy food.

He spends endless amounts on shit for himself.

But yes, its all your fault.

OP you sound like an extremely intelligent, strong woman. And a fantastic mother. Your life would be so much happier without this abusive prick.

Im so sorry to hear about your termination. :(

He sounds bloody awful. He must be getting something out of behaving like this. If the situation were reversed - do you think be would put up with it? Can you talk to anyone - just to stop the loneliness if nothing else? Really feel for you OP; can you see a life in the future without him? ...

Remind the twat he can only work 'so hard' because you do the childcare and it's meant to be a partnership. That one half of a couple should not have to scrimp while the other splurges

Stand up for yourself, look down your nose disgusted at him, and don't give in! UGH I just hate this treatment being doled out, how dare he.

Just read the rest of the thread. I am so sorry about the termination. You must be very proud of your boy. Keep posting.

Show him your post. He has no idea what a knob he is being. Also make a list of how many hours you work, unpaid, for him and the family.

Alternatively, sit down with him and discuss you returning to work. Discuss that you should both pay into the childcare cover and to make it worth your while financially, you need to return full time. If he doesn't like the thought of this, spell out to him that he must start treating you as an adult and an equal, and appreciate your contributions, even though they are not currently financial.

By the way - this will make you stronger, long term. DH (and he is still my DH) was just like this with me, only he didn't even want me to work. He liked us barefoot and penniless at home, fully dependent on him. he had no idea how abusive he was being and how much respect and love for him I lost in that time.

But what goes around comes around. He got made redundant and can't find a new job anywhere. I got an amazing job and our roles reversed. Ashamed to say I do let him squirm from time to time and am nowhere near as even handed as I would have been if he hadn't kept me penniless for so long. But, generally we split things fairly now. He is a wonderful man in other ways. I wouldn't let money disagreements trash an otherwise strong marriage, but it is central to the health of a marriage (and an individual) long term.

Get bold Explain this is short term, necessary and it's a sacrifice you are making in order to provide your family with stability while they are small. He must not penalise you for this. Explain that every time he spends money on treats for himself, when you can't even afford necessities, he is treating you as way below him in status, and that will jeopardise your marriage. Sort out what fixed outgoings you have and split the rest down the middle. £70 pw is nowhere near enough to feed and clothe three out of four family members from an income of £44k pa.

Alternatively, you could buy some decent clothes for you and the kids and feed him Value beans on toast with a side order of tap water. Make him see the message. or turn up all straggly and tatty at his work and comment on how he doesn't give you enough money at the moment. Shame the man.

Why don't you sit down with him tonight and firstly ask for an apology about the mistake he made RE the account being overdrawn. Then tell him that you are not happy being treated like this and as he can clearly see his assumptions about the account were wrong you need to have a chat about the way you feel generally about everything.

then tell him that you understood that his income would be shared jointly until your DD is in school but at the moment you do not feel like you have fair access or right to that income.

Tell him that you need a new phone and you expect that to be sorted out through the joint income.

Tell him that at the weekends you will take it in turn to have a lie-in and that also this weekend you will be going out alone without the children to buy some things you need for yourself and he will be looking after the children.

Tell him that he will be doing an on-line shop using his account which will include the things you need for the kids and yourself.

Do you do his washing? Stop. Do you do his ironing? Stop. Tell him that you will no longer be doing these things as he is an adult and youhave two dependants that need you more.

Thread title is misleading. You are not feeling trapped and pretty worthless because you are a stay at home mum. You're feeling trapped and worthless because your partner is behaving like a controlling, selfish entitled knobhead.

So, what are you going to do?

You are not trapped, you can leave. You are not financially dependent on him anyway, you have work and people will help.

I know my confidence is so low at the moment - I worry about finding a job to support my children - then there's balancing childcare etc . I've been out of the workplace for 2 years.
My auntie offered to have my dd one morning a week so I could help out at my ds school (she used to be a teaching assistant and thinks it would be Ideal for me in the future). But I haven't been able to bring myself to do it - just taking my DS to school & walking into the classroom - can't imagine actually working there.

It terrifies me - which I know is completely ridiculous.

I've known for a long time that the situation I'm in is wrong - it's just been easier to stay.
& the children are thriving it's only now and then that the situation hits me - today is the worst I've felt for a long time

He sounds so selfish. £70 a week for shopping and the kids is not enough. It sounds like a long chat is overdue. The thing he should be aware of, is that it is not HIS money, it is FAMILY money. Once a person gets married the notion of having money to yourself is gone and it is not you that needs to understand this but him.

I have never said this before but you have admitted that you don't love him and in the event he is not prepared to listen to you then you would be better off leaving him.

He'd have to pay you double what he gives you now, just in child maintenance, if you split up... You would be so much better off, not just financially, but emotionally and mentally too. Do you really want to stay with someone who treats not only you, but his children as second class citizens?

see for yourself

The £70 is to feed my husband too - inc a packed lunch for work (he insists on Pink Lady Apples £1.89 for 6 at Aldi) - the children & I have the funsized apples

I'm getting petty now I know!!

Use that feeling, OP. It is not pleasant , but it is your wake-up call.

I really understand what you mean about being terrified of testing a teachiing assistant role. When your confidence is worn down, lots of things seem terrifying, especially anything that will prove that we are worthwhile and successful human beings.

Those awful feelings will drop away the more you regain control over your life, I guarantee it.

You need to stop letting him speak to you like he is.
If he tells you to get a job - you already have several! (child carer, cleaner, cook, chauffeur!)

I go through our bank account details once a week, and every now and then we go through everything to see where the money is going. Dh is 'allowed' to spend a certain amount of money on his hobbies and I spend a few pounds here and there for exercise classes then a night out every now and then which is a fair balance for us.

If your DH can't do something similar then you need to work out where this is going.

Bollox to him if he insists on certain apples, give him what you and the children get and tell him why.

Do you want to stay in this marriage? Did he always treat you like this? What do you think will happen if you call him on his bullshit?

You need to get pissed off.

Your poor bloody kids, getting the cheapest of everything whilst dad lords it over them with his blurays and brand name apples, never mind you. They're learning they're second best and dads wants are more important than anyone else's needs.

Could you talk to a friend or family member who would bolster and support you? Could you get to the gp and tell them and get some counselling? You sound so lost and ground down, please reach out for some help irl. Best wishes

I reckon you should buy the pink lady ones and the fun size ones and you and the kids have the posh ones if you're going to get into an apple war!

But seriously, he can't treat you like this it is eating away at your whole existence