Stay at home mum feeling trapped & pretty worthless

[cannotthinkofausername]

I am a mum of two (4 year old ds just started school & a 2 year old dd). I went back to work after having my ds - he was looked after by family. When I had my daughter the family circumstances changed & free childcare was no longer an option. At the same time my husband qualified as an accountant so we agreed that his increased salary should be able to cover the loss of my salary until my dd started nursery next year & would be entitled to her 15hours (his salary has increased from £22k - £44k & I only earnt £7k in an admin role).

The issue is that he always makes me feel guilty about how broke we are - if I ever question anything his response is always "get a job".
He gives me £70 cash each week which covers food shopping and anything I need for the week. Anything extra such as clothes for the children I have to ask him for & he's always awful about it so I usually buy second hand using my food shopping money. I never buy myself anything. I had my haircut last Christmas which my mum paid for - and my mum brought me some clothes for my birthday.

On the other hand he continually buys himself things "because he works hard". I'm writing this now because I feel so angry - I don't usually see bank statements but opened one today in the past month he has spent:

• £40 on blue rays

• £50 on going out
• £60 on X box games
• £200 on speakers for his new gaming laptop (which he brought last month)

Then theres the Iphone 5, The nice new Ipad & he's off to watch England play tonight.

I'm happy to live on a budget I feel priviledged to be in the position to be at home with my children - I love being at home with my DD and being able to take my ds to & from school etc. & they don't need a lot of material possesions at this age of expensive days out (there favourite thing to do is to get the double decker bus (£1.50) into town & take a walk along the pier & maybe share a portion of chips (£1.20)

I spend my life watching every penny - I could tell you how much each item of food I buy each week costs . The past week I've been using the kids shampoo because I couldn't afford the £1.45 I needed for some shampoo.

He says that he works hard but I'm out of bed at least an hour before him each morning & still on the go when he's sat in front of his laptop in the evenings. I know that he has a stressful job (&I on the whole have a lovely job) which is why I always ensure he has time to himself at weekends to unwind - keep the children quiet at weekends so he can lay in. & never expect him to help with the chores involved with the children & home (I'm even a keen diyer!)

This morning he had a huge go at me because our old bank account had gone overdrawn & insisted it was me - when I never have access to it. Luckily that statement came through today too - and there it was £5.95 to a gaming website. Plus I wrote a letter to our old bank 2 months ago saying we wanted to close the account as we do not have a printer I asked my husband if he could print it off so I could send it recorded delivery - he said he sent it from work instead??!!!

Im just so tired of everything being my fault. I know that I have messed up I should have focused on having a career before having children instead of wasting my degree. I feel really trapped.

On top of that my mobile has just stopped working. It's in my husbands name so vodaphone won't speak to me. & when I called him - he said "the phone isn't insured so if you've broke it that's that"!

So instead of spending time with my dd - I've spent most of the day in tears. Feel so rubbish.

Oxfordbags you make me cry :( because I know what your saying is true

& all this whilst he happuily posts pics on FB of being in the front row at Wembley.

Whilst I've been in a mess all day.

& I know what will happen when he's back tomorrow. He'll blank me, ignore me, refuse to talk to me (may be a few snide comments) it will last for days - because usually after a few days I give in - offer him a cup of tea or something & it's all just forgotten.

I know thats an insane way to live. But that's all I've ever known - he was my first boyfriend.

What an awful man. I'd use the next hour to gather evidence. Access bills you can now and take photos of them on your phone (assume you can't photocopy them). Also email yourselves summaries of his spending over the last few months so he can't confuse you/twist it later.

I'd view your relationship as one YOU are starting to end. You deserve much better than him.

Oh darling :( He is being so cruel, not just to you but to your beloved children. They deserve so much better and so do you. I am so sad reading your posts and absolutely furious on your behalf.

OxfordBags' post is brilliant. He is an utter cunt and he doesn't deserve to even lick your shoes. Your children sound absolutely brilliant and that's down to you. They're doing well because you're protecting them from him. But you're a person, not a flak jacket and if you don't get out, then eventually there won't be much left of you to protect them.

Please, please pick up the phone to WA as soon as you have time to do so: 0808 2000 247. You can escape from this and give you and your children the happy lives you so richly deserve.

There is loads of advice on here about prepping to leave. If you decide you want to, you will get a whole load of support.

Sending you a massive hug x

Surely if I stick to the facts tomorrow he can't confuse me:

• I'm given £70 a week
• he spends an extrodinary amount of money on himself when compared the the children and I. It doesn't matter that they are too young to need expensive gadgets etc but that money could go on days out or put away for their future, help pay off the mortgage which he always moans about??

It cannot be fair that approx (I have to be approx as I don't have access to online accounts just know what the children & I spend) 90% of our disposable income is spent on him????

cannotthink - you do know he's being like this because you've hit the nail on the head, not because he's got a legitimate reason to be irritated at what you're saying and asking for, don't you? If he was interested in have a normal discussion that's what would be happening, not all these threats to make your life worse.

You can either go along with what you usually do, and end up with the same outcome, or you can do something different. I know that seems terrifying and alien right now, but think about it. We're here to help you through it.

Look love he is a dick. You've challenged him and he is coming at you hard because he knows he is in the wrong. He is trying to make you STFU and get back in your box. He is hitting you were it hurts by punishing the kids for you having the audacity to question him. He knows the kids are your priority and is hoping this will make you back off.
You can back down and nothing will change except he will hold you in even more contempt than he does now. Or you can stand up for yourself. Tell him that his threats to punish the kids show him for what he is. That you know you are entitled to and deserve more than what you are getting. That you want a serious conversation and not bully boy tactics or you will be seeking professional advice on your situation. Tell him you've already been advised that he'd have to pay twice what he does now in maintenance so you'd be better off financially kicking him out.
I would contact Woman's Aid anyway tbh, it's hard to see the wood for the trees and they will be able to tell you what you are entitled to.
I am an accountant and let me tell you, to a man the male accountants I know lie to view themselves as upstanding pillars of society. Threatening to expose his behaviour may well bring him to his senses.

Am so sorry you're in this situation.

Rather than confronting him immediately and having to deal with his (unjustified) anger, could you placate things until you can get advice from Women's Aid, benefits people or other organisations that can advise you? Do stuff on the quiet, gather strength, make plans.

He sounds horrible and unlikely to change .

Like not lie

I'm going to list everything I know he has brought over past couple of months & google the cost

OP - is your Child Benefit paid to your or your DH?

Cry, Cannotthink, let yourself feel the injustice and the unfairness and awfulness of it all. Stop denying it and justifying it and let yourself feel it. You cannot truly act and do what's best and right until you feel it and acknowledge it, however hard it feels

You can tell he's angry. I can tell he is shitting himself. Look at him, the big baby, throwing his toys out of the pram because you have the audacity to rewuest to be treated as an equal, like a normal wife and partner. He knows something has changed in you and you are not going to tolerate his shit for much longer and he is running scared. Don't let him shut you up with his shaming language, it is the language of the bully who is scared and on the back foot because he's been caught out.

Is he trying to day that he can onoy afford these ancy things because he sells other, older fancy things to pay for them? Because the logical question is, why then, buy the fancy things in the first place? Why not limit himself to £70 a week too (in fact less, as he doesn't shop for you or the Dc out of the cash he keeps for himself)? And the other obvious thing to point out is that whilst he's whining about selling expensive gadgets to buy other gadgets, you have to sell your Dc's secondhand clothes to buy them bigger secondhand clothes, that is fucked-up. He's trying to sound like he's some big martyr by selling this stuff, but all it shows that is so immature, egotistical and convinced of his superiority and right to have bigger and better than others, even his own DC, that he thinks this sounds like the actions of a nice man. It does not, it sounds like whining, teenage lies to get Mum off his back. I bet it's all lies about selling stuff anyway!

As for saying he's not going to do those treats with the kids because of your relationship, well, he's showing his true colours, isn't he? Pathetic, uncaring, weak, immature, trying to blackmail you into saying sorry, etc. He knows how much you'll sacrifice for your kids - because he forces you to! - and is banking on you crumbling at the idea of them going without and giving in so you can sacrifice for them once more. What sort of cunt would do that to his own kids?! Call his bluff and say fine, we won't go. There are plenty of free events to go to, and their lives won't end if they go to slightly less glam events, or indeed, none at all for one year.

He's showing who he truly is. Let the scales fall off your eyes and see him and keep seeing him. Not nice, is he? Not deserving of you and your DC, is he?

I wish I could really give you a big hug. You sound amazing. Well done on the potty training.

Sorry for the typos, am fuming on your behalf!

This is not fair, you have tried harder than is reasonable to make this marriage work, and its not working because your husband does not treat you the way a husband should treat his wife, and this is simply because he doesn't want to. No more, no less. He treats you and the children badly because he can, and because it suits him. Your feelings are not as important to him as his wants are, your needs come second to his wish to have shiny things, and if he loved your children he would want them to have more than poverty.

I suspect he's going to call you mercenary .... But you're not.

I just had a conversation with my dp about this thread. He doesn't live with me and never has. But I asked him if he had several grand in the bank and I needed shampoo, would he buy me some shampoo? He looked at me like I had gone mental, because it really wouldn't occur to him to make me miserable by leaving me to go without. And he is not even financially responsible for me or my children!

But this is quite normal. If I ask him if I can have some change, he hands me some change, he doesn't ask why, or what for, he just asks if its enough. It's reciprocal, he can do the same to me.

That is love. What you have is an unpaid housekeeping arrangement. You'd be better off as an au pair.

ok I need to calm down again!
He's staying out tonight so I won't see him until the morning plus the children are around - so I'll take them out in the morning (looks like sunshine tomorrow!).

I can't talk to him until their in bed tomorrow evening so I've got time to gather my thoughts (yeah right!)

Does someone have a crystal ball please to help me make a decision????
I'm going to go to bed (house is a mess but I'll tackle it in the morning) & try to sleep.

Thank you everyone - I was always a bit cynical about message boards - but you've really helped me today

I would confide in friends & family but most hate him so much that before I've barely opened my mouth they'll be a barrage of negativity - that's why I've really valued your outside opinion

And please go and visit your mum with the children for a few days. Don't hover round the house trying to placate this horrible selfish man.

I have a crystal ball. It says you should kick the fucker out!

Listen to your family and friends. They are right.

Your friends and family are negative and dislike him for good reasons, maybe they can help.

Hope you can get some rest.

Can you get out and go and stay with family this weekend? Why should you be treated like that tomorrow? If I were you, I'd put my babies in the car and go now. Not as a lesson/warning to him, but a head space for you to think about practical solutions over the next few months. You already know he is going to be moody and behave appallingly this weekend, why let yourself be there and your children witness this behaviour?

I repeat my question from earlier as I haven't noticed a clear thought process from you....what are you going to do next? You seem to be thinking about gathering evidence, having futile discussions will NOT change him, this weekend, next week or ever. The only thing you can change about this situation is how you react to the patterns of behaviour, it's time to break the cycle. Be strong, be brave. You do have the strength to do this.

Oxfordbags can I become you for tomorrow - you just make sense - whereas I always end up going around in circles & confused - I need you on my shoulder reminding me of things!

see that sentance didn't make sense! I'm tired need sleep :(
DC will be up at 6!

LeChatRouge I know you are right - I suppose I'm not letting myself think that far ahead - when I know I should.

I still have the doubts, still want the family life so desperately still tell myself I just need to be stronger to make it work. Or get through to him some how - if only he could see etc etc

I don't need a crystal ball to tell you this: all your family and friends think he is a bastard. Every single poster on here thinks he is a bastard. Deep down, you know he is a bastard. Only you can make a decision, but do it knowing you have a huge wealth of support, here and, more importantly, in RL. Many women who are treated this way don't have anyone to turn to. Don't be proud, let them love you and support you. After being with this wanker for so long, that might even feel odd, but let them. As he's your first ever love, I bet he's been shaping with this subtle abuse all your time together. Did you know that you're more likely to be abused in a relationship with your fist ever boyfriend than at any other time? Part of that is because he will have been young and selfish and immature, etc., and isn't ready to be an equal partner. But that's no excuse now - and the bigger part of that above reason will be because he is a nasty cunt who doesn't deserve you.

I don't have a crystal ball (if only...). But I do know that, for you, this cannot go on as it is now that you've taken this step and admitted that you're unhappy with the financial status quo.

Go to bed and rest, I can imagine that your head is whirling right now. And in the morning, come back and read all your posts (and the others) again - because you may be tempted to minimise and say no, I'm just over-reacting. You aren't.

So he went to watch the football and now he's staying out all night? Turn off your phone.

I would pack a few bits and go and stay with a friend or family tomorrow for a few days. Don't allow this man to bully you for one moment longer. I know it must be very hard as he is the only man you have known but i think not being ar ound to be his emotional punchbag might actually do some good. I don't think he will be any place to listen to you because it's all about him. When was the last time he treated you or the children? Made you feel good about yourself? With his gadgets and his staying out he's behaving like a young single man.
You separating from him for a while might make him start realising what he stands to lose and it might also give you the strength and confidence to realise you really don't need a man who is supposed to be your own husband treating you with such disrespect and contempt.

I can't believe a father would deprive his own kids of seeing Father Christmas just to spite you because you've spoken out.