Stay at home mum feeling trapped & pretty worthless

[cannotthinkofausername]

I am a mum of two (4 year old ds just started school & a 2 year old dd). I went back to work after having my ds - he was looked after by family. When I had my daughter the family circumstances changed & free childcare was no longer an option. At the same time my husband qualified as an accountant so we agreed that his increased salary should be able to cover the loss of my salary until my dd started nursery next year & would be entitled to her 15hours (his salary has increased from £22k - £44k & I only earnt £7k in an admin role).

The issue is that he always makes me feel guilty about how broke we are - if I ever question anything his response is always "get a job".
He gives me £70 cash each week which covers food shopping and anything I need for the week. Anything extra such as clothes for the children I have to ask him for & he's always awful about it so I usually buy second hand using my food shopping money. I never buy myself anything. I had my haircut last Christmas which my mum paid for - and my mum brought me some clothes for my birthday.

On the other hand he continually buys himself things "because he works hard". I'm writing this now because I feel so angry - I don't usually see bank statements but opened one today in the past month he has spent:

• £40 on blue rays

• £50 on going out
• £60 on X box games
• £200 on speakers for his new gaming laptop (which he brought last month)

Then theres the Iphone 5, The nice new Ipad & he's off to watch England play tonight.

I'm happy to live on a budget I feel priviledged to be in the position to be at home with my children - I love being at home with my DD and being able to take my ds to & from school etc. & they don't need a lot of material possesions at this age of expensive days out (there favourite thing to do is to get the double decker bus (£1.50) into town & take a walk along the pier & maybe share a portion of chips (£1.20)

I spend my life watching every penny - I could tell you how much each item of food I buy each week costs . The past week I've been using the kids shampoo because I couldn't afford the £1.45 I needed for some shampoo.

He says that he works hard but I'm out of bed at least an hour before him each morning & still on the go when he's sat in front of his laptop in the evenings. I know that he has a stressful job (&I on the whole have a lovely job) which is why I always ensure he has time to himself at weekends to unwind - keep the children quiet at weekends so he can lay in. & never expect him to help with the chores involved with the children & home (I'm even a keen diyer!)

This morning he had a huge go at me because our old bank account had gone overdrawn & insisted it was me - when I never have access to it. Luckily that statement came through today too - and there it was £5.95 to a gaming website. Plus I wrote a letter to our old bank 2 months ago saying we wanted to close the account as we do not have a printer I asked my husband if he could print it off so I could send it recorded delivery - he said he sent it from work instead??!!!

Im just so tired of everything being my fault. I know that I have messed up I should have focused on having a career before having children instead of wasting my degree. I feel really trapped.

On top of that my mobile has just stopped working. It's in my husbands name so vodaphone won't speak to me. & when I called him - he said "the phone isn't insured so if you've broke it that's that"!

So instead of spending time with my dd - I've spent most of the day in tears. Feel so rubbish.

I would find out what he would pay in maintenance if you split. Am sure it will be more than he gives you now. So in theory it might be an idea to start considering going it alone.

My worry would be that as he is such a selfish man that he wouldn't willingly pay maintenance and might go to lengths to avoid it.

If your eldest DCs are only 4!!! you have decades of time to sort out a career. So I would give some serious thought to your career once the DCs are in school and make plans and start putting things in progress for then and you can leave the miserable git at the same time

He would pay around £520 in maintainance.

I think you should see a solicitor and find out what financial settlement you'd be entitled to in the event of a divorce.

I reckon it'd be a lot more than 70 quid a week, and you might find the knowledge empowering. You really don't have to live like this.

Your children would be a hundred times better off being raised by you alone.

Having two parents is brilliant, but only if neither is an intolerable tosser.

Your 'DP' is a cunt. The way HE is treating you is making you feel low/worthless. Leave now - before the impact on the children is irreversible.

You will cope alone and your 'DP' will FINALLY be forced to provide for his children.

I disapprove of every single thing your DP has done and said to you so far, but I really wouldn't do anything rash yet, like walking out. So maybe you would get £520 in maintenance (if he paid it at all - you might be begging for it) but you'd have to pay every bill too. You'd be in more poverty (though maybe freer.)

I'd definitely do what fiventhree suggested and try to sort it out first.

Some men are really genuinely unpleasant control freaks, but some (mnany) are vile because they're allowed to get away with it/ DH had loads of symptoms of being a controlling git. I stand up to every one of them and have trained him to behave. All his good qualities (hilariously funny, loyal, romantic) have stayed but the twattery has been beaten out of him.

Be really strong. Decide what you expect from him in terms of equality and respect, demand it and stick to it. He's your husband, not your prison officer. If he loves you or cares for his family he will after a lot of huffing and puffing, listen and make amends. If he doesn't then you know it won't be a mistake to leave the marriage.

Get yourself back on your feet first though. Accept your auntie's offer. Go into that school. If you need some incentive, order Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway from the library and read it right through. That'll give you your groove back!

Racing heart "but the twattery has been beaten out of him".

Hardly appropriate on a da thread!

Op some good advice on here, have you any idea what you are going to do?

All too predictably on threads like this, the Op's mother says things along the lines of "you've made your bed, now lie in it", etc., but at least your mother, for whatever other faults she may or may not have, is on your side, OP. don't stay with him just because you can't bear to give her a reason to say I Told You So! Seriously though, think about that. Everything she says is right. She loves you, just like you love your children. Imagine if your DD's future husband was treating her like this - how would you react? If you'd be maddened, sad and desperate to et her free, then you need to apply that to yourself. Why aren't YOU worth saving from this shithead?!

I knew what he'd say cos these twunts seem to operate from a bloody manual. I see he went for the classic combo of shaming and "You're mental". The you're mental one is a true classic; women have been kept in their place and treated like shit for centuries through being told they are hysterical or whatever. It's all LIES. If you are depressed, it's no wonder dealing with him, but HE is the one with the mental issues, behaving like this.

I wanted to add smething important to really think about: if you were on benefits, you'd receive £71-something a week as a single person. That's before you got child benefit, your rent paid and council tax. £71 is what experts say is the absolute minimum a single adult should have to subsist on before it's technically poverty. Think on this. Your husband pays you LESS than what the government deem the minimum amount an adult can get before it's poverty.

Do you get the child benefit paid to you?i have a feeling you don't, do you? Is it because he handles all the oer finances, leave it to him, blahblah?

Sorry for use of 'husband pays you', but it's a bit like that.

You need to take back your power, it's not an overnight thing.

He has slowly and subtly undermined you.

Start with getting back your equality, money issues etc.

You can do it, you may need an outside person - counsellor? - to help you get there.

You owe your DCs and yourself so much better!

The important issue here is that you married, so you have effectively entered a financial partnership in equal terms. As will happen on division of assets if you split.
He doesn't have "his" salary, but salary that is for the partnership.
He has the same right of questioning your spending as you do his.

I would demand that the salary goes into a joint account and, if you want less supervision, that a set amount is divided equally into separate accounts.

He pressured you into ending a pregnancy last year. :-(.

That is all so sad. STOP BUYING FOOD FOR HIM!!!

He is an abusive bully

I think you will probably find you will be much better off on your own financially. Could you go for a few days to your mum's? In the meantime if you really don't love him and don't want to be with him tell him it's Over.

My dh earns a fraction of what your husband earns, i don't earn a great deal myself (parttime and also with a degree i feel i've wasted) but we have far more money than you for food per week and i have my hair done every three months.

Get out. You can do it.

Thank you everyone - I'm absolutely exhausted - glad he won't be home until late tonight (he's at Wembley watching the England match!).

A huge part of me wants to act rashly - chuck his stuff out - out him on facebook with some home truths (if you looked at his fb profile u'd think he was a family man!) but I know I need to be calm.

I need to speak to him calmly - which can be difficult as I always end up more confused after we "talk" plus he does this really frustrating thing of not looking at me when I try to talk to him about anything serious (he says that he finds it difficult) so will play on his phone etc which makes me feel pretty worthless. Plus he can't handle it if I cry - it actually makes him more horrible to me?! So I think I'm going to try and write a list of key points and come up with some possible solutions - although my brain feels ready to explode at the moment?!
I'm going to try & talk to him tomorrow evening once the DC are in bed.

I am scared of the financial repercussions of leaving & feel for the sake of my DC I should try to make this work. As I said before on the whole I love my life with the children and do catch glimmers now and then of how things could be as a family.

It has been so reassuring to hear from so many SAHMs - I often feel like a freak as we don't know any others - people are always shocked when I tell them (which I think adds fuel to my DH)

It's reassured me that just because I don't finacially contribute to the household my contribution is as valid as his.

I am so proud of our DC - they are gorgeous, intelligent, confident and happy - what more could he possibly want??

We may not live in his dream house or drive a flash car but we have so much - he just doesn't seem to be able to see it.

& on a completely different note: day 2 of potty training my DD & no accidents - I don't even remind her she just goes by herself. The little things lift me!

You can't make it work and the more you try the more you'll hurt them. Leaving is much easier the smaller they are for everyone involved and men who do the things your h does, as the children grow, often try to manipulate the children to take sides against you and then you really might lose them.

Money is really not as important, yes it is important but not at important as this and on his salary you will be entitled to a good amount of child support.

And if course you contribute to the household and to him personally. If you died tomorrow what would he do with the children? He'd have to do all your work and his or pay someone else to do it for him. He couldn't have the life he has now without you.

cannotthink - firstly, well done to DD on her pottyness! It's absolutely the little things, that's the wonder of kids is how much pleasure you get from such small things.

Secondly: have you had a look at how much you would get as a single mum? entitledto.com should be able to tell you roughly, if you fill it in as if you were single. Plus, you can factor in maintenance from your husband, which, if he's earning £44k/year is (an really rough estimate) about £350-400/month. Plus possibly housing benefit. You might be surprised to find that you'd be ok - and in fact may be slightly better off than you currently are with your weekly 'allowance' - you'll still have to budget but can buy whatever apples you like!

I am currently a single mum - again, after being one (DS1) then marrying and having DS2. NSDH was/is financially abusive (amongst other things). I had very little monthly money of my own, he'd sometimes slip me £20 to 'go and treat myself' and I'd put it down my bra to indicate to him how his gesture made me feel but he didn't get it. We had/have so much - nice house, four gorgeous kids between us - and glimpsing the dream every so often kept me with him longer than it should. Is yours just a dream, or ever likely to happen? What would need to be done for it to match your version of the dream? Do you think it's possible?

The reason why he is more horrible when you cry is because he is a CUNT. He knows how badly he treats you and he doesn't want to have to face it, or, more importantly, do anything about it. His life is peachy keen, why should he do anything to lessen that, even if it's at the expense of his wife and kids.

As for seeing what a lovely family you have and life you could have, he never will do. Flogging a dead horse, mate. If he was capable of seeing it, he would've have done so by now and responded accordingly. You and the DC are always going to be second best, inferior, an annoyance. The fact that his FB status is Me Family Man is no surprise: he wants all the status, comfort, benefits and reputation of being a good husband and father BUT he doesn't want to do anything real towards that.

My Mum has always said that you look at what revenue each partner brings in, and money is only one form of revenue. Revenue can be positive and negative. Emotional revenue is worth far more, because if the family members are supported, loved, respected, happy, equal, etc., then nothing can work and there's no point in the other revenues coming in. Thinkof the revenue you bring in: being a loving and supporting wife, being a wonderful, adoring mother who is truly active and involved in her children's lives, running the home, creating a harmonious, pleasant, respectful environment for everyone. All massive positives. He donates in an offensively tiny amount of monetary revenue and a whole shedload of negative revenue. You contribute far more to the family and home than he does.

Don't worry about money if (when, please!) you leave him - even on benefits, you will get far more than you do now, plus he will have to give you maintenance and any proceeds from the sale of the marital home, etc. Plus, you will be free and not treated like some subhuman skivvy whose presence is to be merely tolerated and your precious DC as irritants who don't even deserve apples as nice as their father's.

My phones just started working again (thank god!) just recieved a barrage of messages he's sent through the day - tomorrow is going to be awful. He's basically saying that he's sold loads of stuff & traded things in to pay fro the things he has brought. That the Iphone 5 is on contract, the laptop he is paying off each month, that he has sold games to pay for the new ones etc - I wouldn't have a clue of this as there isn't a apaper trail.

Plus am I being unreasonable to think that they are not just his belongings to sell and then spend money on himself. I mean he owns an awful lot of stuff - expensive cameras - cupboards full of blue rays and games. |Xbox, Playstation, Vita thing (which I know was expensive), Ipad - I'm a complete techno phobe so don't understand about half the stuff that gets delivered.

I on the other hand own nothing of value except my phone which I think he brought me out of guilt - I didn't ask for it - it's a Samsung Galaxy & my lifeline to the outside world and boy does he know that!

What I'm trying to say is shouldn't any money he makes be ours - the families???? There shouldn't be the contiunal his bonus, his things. Especially when the children and I don't have anything of value we can sell.

(I do sell the childrens old clothes and toys on fb to then buy new ones secondhand off fb) but it's hardly the same thing.

I can tell by the texts that he's angry

Plus he has also said that he has cancelled paper statements as he's "not enduring my baseless accusations each month" - I'm not an idiot that doesn't make sense at all!!

Plus he has also said that he is cancelling the trips via his work to see the fireworks next month with the children and to see Father Christmas in December as "our marriage is obviously dead" so he is "going to withdraw from me completely"