Stay at home mum feeling trapped & pretty worthless

[cannotthinkofausername]

I am a mum of two (4 year old ds just started school & a 2 year old dd). I went back to work after having my ds - he was looked after by family. When I had my daughter the family circumstances changed & free childcare was no longer an option. At the same time my husband qualified as an accountant so we agreed that his increased salary should be able to cover the loss of my salary until my dd started nursery next year & would be entitled to her 15hours (his salary has increased from £22k - £44k & I only earnt £7k in an admin role).

The issue is that he always makes me feel guilty about how broke we are - if I ever question anything his response is always "get a job".
He gives me £70 cash each week which covers food shopping and anything I need for the week. Anything extra such as clothes for the children I have to ask him for & he's always awful about it so I usually buy second hand using my food shopping money. I never buy myself anything. I had my haircut last Christmas which my mum paid for - and my mum brought me some clothes for my birthday.

On the other hand he continually buys himself things "because he works hard". I'm writing this now because I feel so angry - I don't usually see bank statements but opened one today in the past month he has spent:

• £40 on blue rays

• £50 on going out
• £60 on X box games
• £200 on speakers for his new gaming laptop (which he brought last month)

Then theres the Iphone 5, The nice new Ipad & he's off to watch England play tonight.

I'm happy to live on a budget I feel priviledged to be in the position to be at home with my children - I love being at home with my DD and being able to take my ds to & from school etc. & they don't need a lot of material possesions at this age of expensive days out (there favourite thing to do is to get the double decker bus (£1.50) into town & take a walk along the pier & maybe share a portion of chips (£1.20)

I spend my life watching every penny - I could tell you how much each item of food I buy each week costs . The past week I've been using the kids shampoo because I couldn't afford the £1.45 I needed for some shampoo.

He says that he works hard but I'm out of bed at least an hour before him each morning & still on the go when he's sat in front of his laptop in the evenings. I know that he has a stressful job (&I on the whole have a lovely job) which is why I always ensure he has time to himself at weekends to unwind - keep the children quiet at weekends so he can lay in. & never expect him to help with the chores involved with the children & home (I'm even a keen diyer!)

This morning he had a huge go at me because our old bank account had gone overdrawn & insisted it was me - when I never have access to it. Luckily that statement came through today too - and there it was £5.95 to a gaming website. Plus I wrote a letter to our old bank 2 months ago saying we wanted to close the account as we do not have a printer I asked my husband if he could print it off so I could send it recorded delivery - he said he sent it from work instead??!!!

Im just so tired of everything being my fault. I know that I have messed up I should have focused on having a career before having children instead of wasting my degree. I feel really trapped.

On top of that my mobile has just stopped working. It's in my husbands name so vodaphone won't speak to me. & when I called him - he said "the phone isn't insured so if you've broke it that's that"!

So instead of spending time with my dd - I've spent most of the day in tears. Feel so rubbish.

What did he say, OP? Denied there was a 'situation' and made you feel wrong, guilty, stupid, hormonal, etc., etc.?

The not helping you when heavipy pregnant is just being a pure cunt. By refusing to help, he was potentially risking both your health. There's no excuse in the world for that. Yet another example of how he's making it very clear to you that you and his children are inferior to him in every way. A mum and dad together when one of them is abusive is far, far worse for children than having separated parents. I think you know that, though.

Btw, for a man so uninterested in children, looking after them, providing for them, etc., etc., he's remarkably good at not making sure he doesn't get you pg by accident, isn't he? Just another control mechanism, IMHO.

Tell him you'll get that 25K job when he stops being such a worthless wanker! Seriously - with no help or support from him, how on earth does he think you'd be able to manage it?! I bet all the childcare would be expected to come out of your wage.

I should have said I suggested having "housekeeping" as when I first stopped working we had a joint account & he questioned every tiny transaction and the last straw was sanitary towels!

So I suggested being given cash to give myself some control back & he said we could only afford £70 a week. & if I'm honest most weeks that is enough - last week was tough because I took the DC swimming which my mum usually pays for but she is away at the moment so I got a little short hence no adult shampoo!

Awh op, you've answered your own question. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do you'll never be 'good enough' in his eyes.

It's interesting your depression started roughly the same time you met him I think.

One day out is not enough to make up fir everything eise. And it's 2012. You're the same age as me. You do not have to stay in an abusive marriage. You have at least 38 years before you're old enough to retire, it's plenty of time to have any or many careers that you want to do. You could walk away with dc and start again if you wanted :)

He earns 44k. You can afford swimming and shampoo.

Oxfordbags -= how did you knwo that's what he said - blimey - he said I was being over emotional, exaggerating that the children are happy & don't go with out (which I agree with) and then "do u think u should go back to the docs for some pills"

As someone who has suffered with depression I know that I am not depressed - prob on the verge but not enough to affect my judgment that badly

handbagcrab - I suffered with depression before I met him - so he can't take the blame for that (that could be laid at my dads door and I know before anyone says it I'm playing out a repeating cycle with my own children - but my DH has never & would never hit me)

And it's not enough if you can't afford any new clothes or an occasional haircut. If all you had as a family was £70 then fair enough but you all have £70 a week when he has 500-1000 a month extra, just for him.

What does your mum think?

Babe, your husband is horrible, and he's making your life horrible, and he's working against your efforts to give your children a nice life.

You would be better off on benefits. Which is sad, considering he is a high earner, but when you leave him he wihave to give touyou 20% of his take home pay, which is more than he gives you now.

handbagcrab - his answer to that would be why didn't I ask him for the extra money - but I can't explain how he is when I do ask for anything extra - lots of huffing & questions even if it's for £2-3.

He even queries how I manage to spend £70 each week

He earns 44k and you can only afford £70 a week on food and days out.

DP lost his job so we are on benefits at the minute. Our weekly costs are £110 and that doesnt include days out. Thats us at the bare minimum.

OP, your husband is causing you and your DCs to live in poverty.

my mum hates him - there's a bit of "I told u so" - she's hated him from day one

My mums advice was as long as he doesn't hit you, it's alright. This isn't good relationship advice :) I think from what I've read on here people might choose another abusive relationships but it's different kinds of abuse so they don't recognise it or think its as bad.

Would you consider asking your gp for counselling? It might help you clarify your thoughts

Your children DO go without. They go without the same standard of living that their father insists upon, and they will grow up feeling like serfs.

I grew up eating mince while my father ate steak, and wearing second hand clothes while my father bought motorbikes, and I was so resentful. My friend lived like me, we were "the poor kids" at school, but her father WAS poor, and she adored him for sacrificing his small pleasures to pay for hers. I resented mine. Children do not stay oblivious to disparity.

That's not nice from your mum btw, sorry

He queries how you spend £70 a week??? I think you're a bloody financial genius to manage to buy groceries for 4 people and get clothes, days out etc, from that tiny amount!

Do you want to leave the marriage OP?

Oh OP, he questioned whether you were depressed?

Then he really is a pig. Because he was using your past depression against you, and as ammunition in your argument with him about the way you live together. It is a really snidey and gaslighty way of ensuring that you see your unhappiness as a product of your own past depression and not a a result of his selfish behaviour.

Personally, and I NEVER say this, I would get rid. My sister eventally many years on did this to her horrible h, and found that she was much better off financially- as you would be.

You could cope without him- you do anyway.

You could have alot of fun with the maintenance money, too!

handbagcrab my mum has never said if he doesn't hit you it's alright - I think that's my own twisted mindset!
She has said for a long time that his behavior is controlling - that he has always put me at the bottom of his list of priorities.

Sorry must go offline for a while - need to org dinner etc!

I am in a very similiar situation with regards to the financial circumstances of your marriage.

Like you I am a university graduate but I also made it clear to dh from pretty much our first date that being a sahm was very important to me.

I understand how hard it is to have to ask someone for money-I get given £20 max and I always get asked what I need it for

I have had some very good advice on here and am slowly but surely starting to take some control back.

Keep posting and keep listening....

Do you know the rest of the household budget? Do you see bank statements, credit card bills, insurance policies, utility bills? Do you know how much you have in savings as a family or what pension provisions are in place? Who gets the Child Benefit or Child Tax Credits?

Sorry, I meant that was my mums relationship advice to me. And seeing as she was and is in an abusive relationship it wasn't very good but it's something I think people tell themselves.

Enjoy dinner :)

Could you suggest relationship help?

What a bastard your H is. How dare he treat you like this. Get a job and leave the the basard. I'm on your behalf.

Ah the huffing and puffing...yes, a real controller.

Many years ago (over 20!) my exh was a bit controlling with money, but nothing like as bad as yours. I earned more than him, yet he managed to look 'disappointed' or say he was disappointed if I spent money on things he regarded as fripperies. His whole family had issues about money, as if it was currency for something other than consumer goods.

He is just trying to control you, and if he does it woithout words then he thinks he cant be called on it. Or he cant find the words, or god knows what else.

Either way, he isnt reasonable.

FWIW, even if my now adult daughter married a man I hated and then came back home saying she had made a mistake, I would far rather give her a hug than remind her of my prior knowledge about him.

This a a very sorry state of affairs. He has taken advantage of a change in circumstances, you leaving work, to belittle you. You will teach your children to share and share alike, you will teach them to care for each other, you will teach them to take it in turns. That is not the behaviour the are witnessing at home.

You have supportive family, aunts and parents, you should take their support to make you strong enough to stand up to him at home. Job promotion doesn't equal wife demotion in status. It is not up to him to tell you that you have underachieved for choosing to be a SAHM.

You were married for richer and poorer. The income is joint. You are entitled to it. He would pay more through the Child Support Agency. A good exercise in being a SAHM would be to calculate the professional cost of cleaners, £10 per hour, laundry and shirts £7 for five, packed lunches, £4 per day, childcare £depends where you live. It would cost substantially more than £70 per week. He is paying you, and treating you like an au pair.

Get the bank statements, calculate his spend vs your spend and the cost of professional support instead of you being SAHM. Tell him you are looking for work ASAP and will then need additional support in the home, at a cost of £70pw. If he cannot see that you are supposed to be in this together then you need to ask hard questions of both of you.

Finally, STOP giving him the posh apples, you are reinforcing his bad behaviour.

I think we all get t a stage once, at least, of finally realising that we have enabled someone's bad behaviour.

I think if I were you I would draw up some boundaries and prepare for a discussion. And dont give in, at all. If you think he is worth it.

Personally I don't know how any woman can be with a a supposed grown man who still plays computer games. How old is he?