Stay at home mum feeling trapped & pretty worthless

[cannotthinkofausername]

I am a mum of two (4 year old ds just started school & a 2 year old dd). I went back to work after having my ds - he was looked after by family. When I had my daughter the family circumstances changed & free childcare was no longer an option. At the same time my husband qualified as an accountant so we agreed that his increased salary should be able to cover the loss of my salary until my dd started nursery next year & would be entitled to her 15hours (his salary has increased from £22k - £44k & I only earnt £7k in an admin role).

The issue is that he always makes me feel guilty about how broke we are - if I ever question anything his response is always "get a job".
He gives me £70 cash each week which covers food shopping and anything I need for the week. Anything extra such as clothes for the children I have to ask him for & he's always awful about it so I usually buy second hand using my food shopping money. I never buy myself anything. I had my haircut last Christmas which my mum paid for - and my mum brought me some clothes for my birthday.

On the other hand he continually buys himself things "because he works hard". I'm writing this now because I feel so angry - I don't usually see bank statements but opened one today in the past month he has spent:

• £40 on blue rays

• £50 on going out
• £60 on X box games
• £200 on speakers for his new gaming laptop (which he brought last month)

Then theres the Iphone 5, The nice new Ipad & he's off to watch England play tonight.

I'm happy to live on a budget I feel priviledged to be in the position to be at home with my children - I love being at home with my DD and being able to take my ds to & from school etc. & they don't need a lot of material possesions at this age of expensive days out (there favourite thing to do is to get the double decker bus (£1.50) into town & take a walk along the pier & maybe share a portion of chips (£1.20)

I spend my life watching every penny - I could tell you how much each item of food I buy each week costs . The past week I've been using the kids shampoo because I couldn't afford the £1.45 I needed for some shampoo.

He says that he works hard but I'm out of bed at least an hour before him each morning & still on the go when he's sat in front of his laptop in the evenings. I know that he has a stressful job (&I on the whole have a lovely job) which is why I always ensure he has time to himself at weekends to unwind - keep the children quiet at weekends so he can lay in. & never expect him to help with the chores involved with the children & home (I'm even a keen diyer!)

This morning he had a huge go at me because our old bank account had gone overdrawn & insisted it was me - when I never have access to it. Luckily that statement came through today too - and there it was £5.95 to a gaming website. Plus I wrote a letter to our old bank 2 months ago saying we wanted to close the account as we do not have a printer I asked my husband if he could print it off so I could send it recorded delivery - he said he sent it from work instead??!!!

Im just so tired of everything being my fault. I know that I have messed up I should have focused on having a career before having children instead of wasting my degree. I feel really trapped.

On top of that my mobile has just stopped working. It's in my husbands name so vodaphone won't speak to me. & when I called him - he said "the phone isn't insured so if you've broke it that's that"!

So instead of spending time with my dd - I've spent most of the day in tears. Feel so rubbish.

On 40k i'm sure he can afford to give you a better life than this op
It's not being a sahm that's making you feel trapped, it's your dp constantly lording it up over you and throwing you a measly £70 a week!

Ffs if i had just £70 a week to get the entire food shop and clothes, special expensive appes HE wants would not be on the list!

You & him are partners, his money is supposed to support you & your children.
But what he says goes, you don't have any choice in what you buy-that is wrong.

Why should HE have what HE wants, when he isn't prepared to give you some financial freedom!

This is financial abuse, do not allow this to carry on. He has responsibilites, don't let him belittle you as a sahm and drag you down emotionally.

Make a stand, don't let him control you!

His behaviour is shocking.

You and your children need to leave (or to kick him out), for your children's sake.

You've shown you can live on a tight budget, and you'll get help as a single parent. Obviously it's not easy, but it won't be any harder than it is now.

His behaviour is disgusting and abusive IMO. I stopped working 12 years ago on the birth of our first dc, my DHs working hours vary enormously week to week so was not really an option to go back unless dc put in full time childcare. His salary is paid into the joint account and is family money, that's it. Everything comes out of it, we run big purchases past each other first and always are both aware of our budget and whats available. I may not earn money but I contribute hugely to the smooth happy running of our family and home, and this allows my DH to do the job he has.
I probably won't go back to work till our youngest is at school and then will be part time as DH definitely does not want to start doing 50% of housework etc however much I earn.
I'm really sorry your DH has put you in this horrible position, he doesn't deserve you.

Eventually his behaviour will stop your lovely Dcs from being happy content and high achievers because he does not think they are worth a pink lady apple!!!!! i speak from experience.

Personally I disagree with the posters who suggest showing him the thread. this might be ok with a normal and reasonable man, but I think you may need the safety and anonymity of MN for the future...hands to hold etc as you work out what you want to do.

your H is an abusive man...he is definitely financially abusive and probably emotionally abusive (see comment on "get a job"). the result is your lack of self esteem and confidence.

This may be of interest to you www.lovemoney.com/news/debt/debt/14905/why-financial-abuse-is-domestic-violence

Women's Aid definition of Domestic violence "In Women's Aid's view domestic violence is physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour"

you are clearly a resourceful, intelligent and capable woman who is bring her children up well and successfully. I think you would be a happy, confident resourceful, intelligent and capable woman and mother who was financially and emotionally well without your "D"H.

If he won't change then you will have to for yourself and for your DCs

Next time he has a go at you about being so broke, you can start by telling him that if he's able to buy himself all those little toys then he's clearly not broke.
You, however, having to budget for you and your children, are.

And stop making him packed lunches!!!! If he starts complaining tell him that you can't afford it on your budget. He can on his though.

He is a shit.

That is a really sad post :( I agree it is financial abuse. He also may know he hits a nerve with those kind of comments. This type of man would not be any better if you DID work. If you did work, he would probably just spend more on himself.

Never put down SAH or feel bad. You are providing free childcare, saving the money and enabling your OH to work. Your children will probably be grateful they had a parent at home much of the time, I loved it when my mum was home with us. There are lots of positives to it. Your OH will never have to pick up ill DC etc etc. However it does put you in a vunerable position in a paid work obsessed society and he knows it.

What i would do is not put up with that kind of abuse. I would not tolerate my kids going without etc., while OH spends on himself. I am a SAHM and have joint accounts and equal access to money. I never feel guilty about SAH. I am doing an OU degree and voluntary work though because I know i might either want or need to work at some point. I think it would be a good idea to keep your hand in some way in your job or maybe do home study etc as soon as you feel you can manage. In addition he needs a wake up call. If he carries on being an arse he will lose everything. Until that point little will change. Could you stay with someone for a while or see a counsellor?

It sounds awful. I think I would seriously think about leaving. Nobody should have to put up with this selfishness. If he has had a good payrise he should be able to buy himself something but you and the children should have got something as well. And this £70 a week for food and yet he has spent more than this on himself. Really shockingly unfair.

I'm getting petty now I know!!

No you're not!
FFS.
He is!

You husband is exploiting you.

He wouldn't like it if you worked, because you wouldn't be reliant on him.

You don't need to be reliant on him; you are quite capable of running a home and raising children without him. He can fuck off and live in a little flat with his gadgets.

Seriously, talk to Women's Aid, CAB, whoever. Find out where you stand re rights to your home, benefits, tax credits. Leave him to his Bluerays and let him buy his own sodding Pink Apples.

What a selfish tool. From the way you describe it, it really does sound like a terrible position. You certainly need to stick up for yourself more, or get out of there.

If you do want to stick it out (and that's a big if) at the very least you need to sit down and agree a budget with him. Don't put up with any shit from him when doing so. This is your kids welfare as much as yours. I agree with the others who say that once bills/food etc is split up, the disposable income should be shared. Savings should also be budgeted for.

i'd just like to add my support as a fellow SAHM (well I've literally just gone back to work part time after 8 years as an SAHM). You have a job - it's just that you don't recieve a salary for it. I'm sorry your H is treating you so badly. You have every right to be furious and I'd want to shove his Pink Ladies where the sun doesn't shine. FFS how old is he? Xbox games :(

You can't imagine doing that job because he has browbeaten you by treating like you're no better than the shit on his shoe. He treats you like you don't even deserve aduly shampoo or a branded apple, so how on earth can you feel like you deserve a nice job? And witholding money like that is acting like a victorian father, so you probably feel utterly inadequate too.

You sound wonderful, btw. He doesn't deserve you. My heart goes out to you over the abortion. No doubt another child might've meant he'd have to forego one less bloody DVD a month to give a tiny bit extra to the insulting pittance he deigns to bestow upon you from his throne as king of the world.

It is shocking financial abuse, and abuse in general. But what you have to see is how thisis affecting your Dc and will go on to affect them, worse and worse:

"We have to have second hand clothes and things, the cheapest food, Mummy never has any money to spend on trips and treats, however much other fun she provides. And poor old Mummy never has anything for herself, not even her own cheap shampoo. She looks scruffy and sad. She does everything for us and with us; Daddy isn't interested or engaged with us when he's at home, even when Mummy is doing everything whilst he sits around enjoying his hobbies or relaxing or swanning off with his friends. MEANWHILE, Daddy spends huge amounts of food on himself. He has the latest and best and goes out lots and has fun whenever he wants, with whoever he wants. He doesn't treat Mummy very nicely either and she's sad. We don't deserve nice things or being treated nicely. Mummy is nice, but Daddy is the one with the power and he says none of deserve anything nice except him. So perhaps Mummy is wrong. Perhaps girls aren't allowed anything and should be treated badly. Perhaps boys should always be the best, get whatever they want and not need to be nice to girls or children".

That's what your children are learning, trust me. They'll feel second best, unashamed, unworthy, unloveable. You cannot stay because your life is fine apart from him treating you like shit. A life cannot be fine if anyone is being treated like shit. And you are kidding yourself if your kids think life is fine too if you're all being treated this way. No amount of love and attention from you can make all the damage right that their father is doing, not only by denying them, but treating their mother badly. It is so damaging for a child to understand that their mother is being treated badly - and that she'll stay and allow it.

He expects 10% of his salary to be sufficient enough to look after all 4 of you including his luxury apples and packed lunches!!!!!

Basically you are on the breadline and living in poverty selfishly imposed by him.

After rent and bills, what else does he do with the family money? Does he gumble or engage in suchlike expensive vices or is he squirreling away to buy something like a house which would "sort of" justify the extent of his measly ways.

I agree kids that age don't require expensive stuff but do you think he will be there for them financially as they grow and likewise their financial needs......or is he going to reduce them to the level of disadvantage.

My dad had money but I'd honestly say my mother (and us dcs) didn't and we resented him for this. He used his money for prostitutes and we went without a lot. In his mind he was punishing my mother but we suffered collaterally.

Basically you are just a housekeeper who is conveniently there for all his needs.
He is abusive and poverty is one worst form of abuse and he is the cause of yours.

Basically you are just a housekeeper who is conveniently there for all his needs.
And not even getting a decent salary...

I don't normally post on this topic but I couldn't let this one go. It's really sad and actually quite shocking.

I am a SAHM. I gave up my job when my DS was born two years ago. I initially found it very difficult not having an income of my own and, despite the fact that my partner and I already had joint accounts for all our bills and housekeeping, I found it difficult asking for money for 'extras' like haircuts, the odd lunch out with friends etc. My partner never ever begrudged me this spending, but having to ask made me feel awkward and uncomfortable with the change in my circumstances.

Several conversations later we realised that we needed to hold ALL our income jointly and budget as a family. Okay, at the moment it's his job that supplies our income but that could easily change in the future and the point is it's OUR money and it pays for all of us. This is as important theoretically as it is practically. If you opt in to a partnership and a family you deal with the fact that you pool resources, be it financial, practical or emotional. I have no problem with my DP buying himself things without my knowledge because I know that he views his personal expenditure as part of the bigger picture, as do I.

I haven't really said anything here that other posters haven't said before me, but I just wanted to urge you to see this issue in terms of your whole relationship. This is not really about the money. To be honest your husband sounds controlling and unpleasant whereas you sound like a thoughtful, hard-working and thoroughly lovely Mum.

Oh, and yes my DP does work hard and he's often knackered at weekends. Same as me. But that doesn't mean he ignores the fact that our DS is his responsibility as much as mine and puts in the effort to share childcare and domestic crap at the weekends. I don't mean to make us sound perfect because actually we have our fair share of things we argue about too, but ultimately we are both working towards a SHARED life, in all senses. It sounds to me like you're the only one in your marriage who has any sense of what this means.

I hope you find the strength to do whatever you need to do. Your children are very lucky to have you.

I am a Sahm and I've been there when it comes to clothes, a year between haircuts and just the misery of little cash. But it was that way for my DH as well. Now things are better he gets cross with me if I don't ask him for extras as he sees it as the family income. You do a job and your saving him money in the long run.

I would be furious, iPads and iPhones do not come before your basic needs as a person. Selfish man

I'd just like to add that having separate finances is not the problem here either, the problem is that your H is not a very nice man. I have never had a joint account with my DH and he pays me housekeeping every month but it's a fair amount of money to cover what I need for me and the kids. The big difference is from your situation my DH does the weekly shop (which he did before we had kids and has kept doing because he likes it - strange man). Also we have a joint credit card so I am never stranded without cash. I very rarely use it, but it is there if I need it. Every time my DH gets a pay rise I also get an equivalent increase in the money I get. It works for us.

jellybeans you are right - when I went back to work after having my DC we (my DC & I) had to leave the house at 7.15 am & got home at 6.30pm - it was over an hour commute each way & I dropped my DS off on the way (DH left at 8 & got home at 6) yet I was told because all I did was "shuffle papers all day" I shouldn't expect any help. I still got in put my DS to bed & cooked dinner, cleaned up etc. Even when I worked up until a week before my due date for my DD he never helped - not even with loading the car the night before I went to work & through morning sickness etc. DD wasn't planned so this was his justification for not helping.

He keeps telling me that I should have a career like the fellow female accountants at his work - he wants me to earn at least £25k - I've never earned that amount even when I was full time!. He met me whilst I was at Uni so he expected more of me. But even back then (13 years ago) at the age of 19 I clearly told him I wasn't career minded all I'd ever wanted was a family of my own.

I waited until we were married to have a family. But if I'm honest he's always been this way. I suffered with depression on and off throughout my late teens early twenties and was just coming out of my last bad episode when he proposed. I thought it was what I'd always wanted - the beautiful wedding, children & home to make our own - I ignored my nagging doubts (he brought a plasma the week before our wedding for £1k even though he hadn't saved his half of the wedding money!)

I became stronger as a person after having my DC so am aware that his behavior is not right but I do feel trapped -
A little of "made my bed I should learn to lie in it" , worry about finances, shared custody (Christmas, Birthdays, holidays, weekends etc), coping on my own without his financial support, sense of failure - 'if only I could be strong enough I could cope' etc
I want so desperately to bring my children up with mum & dad together. & now and then I get glimmers of what it could be like - a family day out to the Castle last month was lovely and he is starting to take more interest in the DC as they get older.

Thank you so much everyone - I feel so much more calmer than this morning - it's silly but I feel less alone

You've even made me laugh - thank you!

& cry too X

I know you're right Oxfordbags - when I knew I was having a DD I questioned my DH's behavior more and have even asked him whether he'd be happy for her to end up in my situation

Ok. So cannotthinkofausername what are you going to do?