The kids winge and cry

[BurntToastSmell]

I have two very demanding young children. A toddler (2 years) and a baby (9 months). They winge all day long (I really mean: all. day. long). Aside from look after the kids on my own all day (7am till 6pm) I have to keep the house clean, make their food, make sure all the dishes are washed, make sure all the clothes are clean, take them to baby & toddler groups, AND run an online business. I'm at the end of my tether because of the constant winging all day long. My friend has suggested using an ipod and turning the volume up full so I can't hear their winging. Is this reasonable? I don't know how I would get all my chores done otherwise, but I feel terrible. I read that if you leave young children to winge/cry, you can lower their self esteem and make them more anxious (due to elevated levels of cortisol). I really hate leaving them to cry but I don't know what else I can do? I don't want to put them into daycare/nursery until they are 3.

Ok, one example.

You could put the two year old at the kitchen table with playdoh or crayons, and ask her to draw you things. You put the 9 month old on the floor with a saucepan and a couple of things to bang it with. Every minute or so you will need to attend to him, handing him back something, showing/reminding him what to do. Your toddler will also need lots of chatting and encouragement "Are you drawing the ears now? What colour are you going to use next?" etc etc. Meanwhile you work around the baby to tidy the kitchen. You ought to be able to do a bit of washing up, wipe down the surfaces, and maybe sweep the floor in a very interrupted 15-20 minutes before they get fed up and you need to move them on to something else. And that something else will need to involve you playing with them directly.

At their age that is the absolute most you can expect from them. They are just too little to do anything else.

Can you afford to give up the business? You really need to let something drop.

Oh and spotless doesn't exist, aim for 1 room cleaned a day, you can maybe get a tidy round but clean? No. He's being a dick.

If you get 1 room a day done then your house is untidy not dirty, big difference.

Sorry just read that back in not suggesting you chuck them out all day or anything just saying its far easier to keep a clean house when they aren't there, mine are now at school and the house we cone home too is lovely and I clean and tidy far far less

When I said to DH that I do three jobs, he said that his work requires him to do several jobs at once; and that he doesn't get a break either.

How do people be full time SAHM to two very young children and keep the place clean with clean clothes, clean dishes, the lot? DH seems to think this happens all the time?

Just read the crap your Dh came out with and am very angry on your behalf. When he says that hurtful shit about other people not coping, he is entirely and probably deliberating missing the point: it does not matter one shiny shit whether other people or even everyone else in the world copes under the same circumtances - YOU cannot cope and this needs addressing and alleviating urgently. He should want to support you and care for you. Not only because he should love you and want the best for you and care if you are struggling, but also because he should want the mother of his children to be happy and well so she can be as happy and attentive a mother as she can be. He sounds like he is shaming you into just shutting up and putting up, so he doesn't have to bother engaging with your needs and emotions and also so he doesn't have to do any more. No wonder you feel alone, you poor thing. Also, what is that crap about you spending too much? Does he expect you to support yourself financially whilst being a SAHM? I suspect that the problems here are not actually your children whinging and being needy...

Ironically, if you do go to a GP, if you tell them how hard you are working with no support, the first thing they would probably suggest is that your DH do more to help!

Poor thing

Yes could you afford to give it up? Or scale back?

He is talking shit. I work from home. I could not do it without any childcare, well I'd have to work every night without cooking a meal or cleaning.

Don't let him make you feel shit about that, it's normal !

I'm a wreck and he doesn't care. He's just sitting on his chair away from me, behind his computer screen, eating.

What am I going to do? :(

Your DH does one job. Yes that involves different tasks but it is one job.

I know one SAHM who runs her own business and has two kids under 3. House is tidy, she does all the cooking. However she has a cleaner and kids go to a CM once a week. Have done since they were 10 months old.

I was on mat leave with two under 3. Did all the cooking. Had a cleaner do three hours a week.

Ask him to name all these people he knows who do it all the time.

Oh and he is also a parent so he needs to actively parent his children not palm it off to you. Otherwise how has his life change since having kids???

Leave the bastard.

I'm only half joking

"He sounds like he is shaming you into just shutting up and putting up, so he doesn't have to bother engaging with your needs and emotions and also so he doesn't have to do any more"

Or perhaps he really believes what he says? He really believes I'm being unreasonable?

He might do burnt toast. He might not appreciate what you do, as he hasnt done it, and we all have which is why we agree with you!

Is he a nice person, reasonable normally?

Burnt, other people do it because they having loving, caring DH/DPs that help out.

He needs to pull his finger out and help.

Oxford - I spend 'his' money and then top it up with my pitiful earnings. I do buy the kids lots of clothes and toys, but no more than my friends buy for their kids.

You spend his money?!

Jesus wept. So the money he earns is for him, not his family? Why the fuck did he have kids?

sorry, I used the word 'his' because he earns it.

So it's because I spend 'his' money on toys and kids clothes - thats the reason why I need to make money to top it up.

Why is hiring a cleaner/using some paid childcare his decision? You are the one doing it at the moment, you are there, you are the family "expert" in these areas, your opinion should hold sway.

If I told DH we needed a cleaner one morning a week or that I wanted DD to go to a childminder a couple of mornings a week, he would accept my opinion as the correct because I am the one who does this work, I know what is needed. If he doesn't trust you to know what is needed why the hell is this your domain? Why doesn't he do it if he's not interested in trusting you with it?

Would you show him this thread? Over 200 messages and very poster is unanimous, what you are attempting to do is impossible, something needs to give.

Do you have any family close by?

I have just read this whole thread and started feeling so sorry for your children but now am crying for you
I don't know if your DH is trying to shame you or if he really believes what he says, I don't actually know what is worse an it doesn't sound like he is going to change much. I won't tell you to leave him but I wouldn't look to him for support as he seems to make you feel worse.
If your HV is a bitch could you talk to your GP about how you feel, or have you any good friends? I think you need to be honest with someone about your DH and how unsupportive he is.
I agree that something has to give, I've worked in loads of nurseries and if you find a good one putting your child(ren) in for a couple of hours twice a week won't damage them but it will make you a better mother. Please think about it.
Would your husband take your children into work with him and expect to get a full days work done? No of course not. And you might spend a lot of money but children do tend to be expensive, pesky little things.
You are miserable OP and your children are miserable and whinging because of this, I don't mean to shove (more) guilt onto you but you really need some help, for all your sakes. Please take care XX

I don't think you should give the business up, I think it's important you have your own means to earn.

He hasn't got a clue what you're juggling. You need him to understand your days are manic. I have a 5m old and a 6 year old who is at school. I can just about keep it together domestically and dh knows he needs to chip in. I couldn't imagine adding a business into the mix and a toddler!

How much time to you need to dedicate to your business? What is it you do?

I feel for you BurntToast

What you are doing is rediculosly hard, and something has to give. Be it getting a cleaner, stopping working, or getting some child care.

It would probably do your sanity a lot of good to get the kids into child are for just 2 mornings a week.

Deary me. I've just skim read this thread and I am ed!

I have a 9 month old, and yes he whinges. BUT ONLY when he wants attention for something! He will happily potter around the room if he is fed and clean and most importantly HAPPY. All babies and children are different OP. Yours are obviously craving attention but you're unable to give them this.

Suffice to say, I've done the research and a daycare environment can be damaging to the under 3s (having to compete with some many other children, being away from primary carer without sufficient understanding, etc). I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

^^ This comment is just so silly! You're damaging them by not giving them attention and obviously getting stressed out if they whinge. At least in daycare, they will actually be kept amused for a few hours. As a primary carer, it doesn't sound like you're having much fun with them and neither are they. Is that fair on them? To see a stressed out unhappy mother who is at the end of her tether because of them?

Please re-think about this view you have of daycare.

The man is a twat. His behaviour is enough to make anyone depressed, let alone dealing with everything else.

OP you sound really miserable

And your H sounds like a dick.