The kids winge and cry

[BurntToastSmell]

I have two very demanding young children. A toddler (2 years) and a baby (9 months). They winge all day long (I really mean: all. day. long). Aside from look after the kids on my own all day (7am till 6pm) I have to keep the house clean, make their food, make sure all the dishes are washed, make sure all the clothes are clean, take them to baby & toddler groups, AND run an online business. I'm at the end of my tether because of the constant winging all day long. My friend has suggested using an ipod and turning the volume up full so I can't hear their winging. Is this reasonable? I don't know how I would get all my chores done otherwise, but I feel terrible. I read that if you leave young children to winge/cry, you can lower their self esteem and make them more anxious (due to elevated levels of cortisol). I really hate leaving them to cry but I don't know what else I can do? I don't want to put them into daycare/nursery until they are 3.

I agree his behaviour sounds awful. Do you think this is the real issue? Is it possible you're both working really hard and have got into a cycle of blaming each other for your exhaustion? I only say that because a man who climbs out of the window to reduce morning noise doesn't sound completely selfish.

Burnt don't do anything tonight, it's late you sound frazzled. Take yourself off for a bath and into bed.

Raise the subject with him face to face when you feel calm and strong.

I was stuck in a cycle of ranting and raving at dh for being a lazy shit once every few weeks. It turned into white noise for him and it usually came to a head late at night when I'd be pissed off at him lying on the sofa whilst I was doing stuff. It was a totally ineffective way of raising the issue.

One day, perfectly calm and serious, we spoke about it. I explained every time he left his plate it was disrespectful to me. He couldn't understand why, he didn't see it like that. I told him everything he choose not to do, he was passing down to me to do. I didn't have that choice. I clearly explained the drip drip of resentment over such things would be the thing to split us up.

We've came through some serious shit together and that did give him a fright and I meant it. Feeling, on a daily basis, like a disrespected hired help was demeaning and a major issue for me. It was breeding a lot of resentment.

I love my kids. I guess the business has to go. It will mean spending much less money on them though, which is hard when they grow so fast.

However if I didn't wash their clothes, hang them to dry, hang them in their wardrobes and fold them and put them into drawers, wash the dishes, wash the surfaces, tidy the toys, write the shopping list, sort out cards and presents for their little friends, no one else would.

He is a twat- it's not his money, it is for everyone in the home.

Leave him alone with the children for a whole weekend- after all he doesn't work then does he? Look around and see how clean/tidy your flat is then (oh- and don't shop for weekend food or put the laundry on before you go out!!)

Remember- he can only earn because you enable that to happen. If he had sole charge of 2 children he'd have to pay childcare, cleaner, laundry service etc etc.

"a man who climbs out of the window to reduce morning noise doesn't sound completely selfish"

• that's a good point, and as I said elsewhere, he takes the kids out on Saturday.

Do you have a dishwasher and tumble dryer? If not, get them. What jobs does your husband do?

I called it 'his' money to distinguish it from the money my business generates. He's never called it 'his'. Although he tells me off for spending too much of it

Burnttoast My best friend is in a very very similar position to you at the moment and it broke my heart to see her this week as she too is at the end of her tether with two very young children.
I cannot suggest anything that any other people havent already suggested tbh.

My friend hasnt reached a good place yet either but she has asked her MIL to come round to help this weekend.

Do you have anyone that can do that?

Its very hard to be away from the baby especially if you are bf, I know that one.

Also can I ask, you said the baby has 1 x 1 nap, how long and at what time?
I think working something out so the babies are both in bed earlier, is really key here. I would be suicidal if it wasnt for my evenings. I cant imaging my two young children keeping me up at 9pm.

I admit though, I set me alarm at 5.45 am (which is not exactly early tbh) so the baby is up early, thus naps early, so then has bedtime early.
He woke at 7am the night before last, then didnt go to bed until 8.50pm that night and it nearly killed me. Its no wonder you are struggling.

It sounds to me like they are whinging because they are bored.My 21 month old goes to a lovely nursery 2 and a half days a week whilst im at Uni and I can honestly say it is one of the best things I have ever done, she has come on loads since being there and is actually quite bright which ibelieve is due to her going to nursery for a couple of days a week. Like alot of children her age when shes at home she can become bored so I try taking her out as much as possible, even if its just for a walk. I understand you have your business to run, with you saying your house if open plan, why dont you put some newspaper down whilst your working and let your children do some messy play using ingrediants which are safe for the 9 month old such as squirty cream on a tray, jelly or custard. kids love anything messy and usually keeps them entertained for a while. Try using your imagination and i'm sure you can find ways of keeping them amused, the ipod and ear plugs idea is a big no no in my mind.

mainly - Id love a dishwasher. I've been asking for one for years.

Jobs he does (do you mean chores?) He makes the kids dinner every evening and gets the groceries in. He says that's more than most fathers do.

You have too much on your plate. Full stop.

It is hard enough keeping on top of chores and looking after 2 small children on it's own. It is impossible adding work into the mix.

You have several options.

1. Keep trying to do it all and fail. You will be constantly stressed and you will not enjoy the children. They will pick up on this and be miserable.

1. Give up work and get out of the house more. Meet friends, do more activities. Tire them out in the park.

1. Get help with the housework and meet friends more etc.

1. Employ some form of part time childcare so that you concentrate on work/housework, even spend some "me" time. You will then look forward to spending time with your children. They will have your undivided attention and they won't be picking up so many "stressed" vibes. They will also be getting positive attention from their nursery/childminder/babysitter/au pair.

Option 4 is the no brainer for me. They will be more damaged by spending all their time with a miserable mother who is not enjoying them, than they will be in a few hours of childcare.

I was just thinking what whatsforyou said, Burnt: I started out feeling sorry for your children, but now I feel very sorry for you.

To be honest, I think your children are whingeing because they're unhappy, and they are unhappy because you are unhappy :(

And no wonder: you are breastfeeding, you have two tiny children under 2, or possibly three, if you count your husband you are trying to work, you are trying to keep the house under control and you have an unsupportive and unkind 'partner'. You're exhausted and over-stretched and you might have a touch of post-natal depression too.

You need to be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Work out what you enjoy and do a little bit more of it. Work out what you don't like, and do a bit less of that. Find a way to get a break, even if it's just for an hour, and do something nice.

My ex, Ds's dad, has a twin sister who is a health visitor. She'd been doing the job for 15 years when I had DS1. She told me perhaps the most important thing anyone has ever told me about parenting: children are happy if their mothers are happy. Looking after your own well-being isn't a self-indulgence: it's what your children need.

shewhowines - you didn't include an option for giving up the business, and simply spending less money.

Even if I give up the business, I still have £50 per week to spend (on the kids and myself). That's the agreed amount I get off DH.

Childcare for under 3s is damaging? well, but being unstimulated and ignored by you all day is great for your kids? More .

Listen to yourself. I run 2 businesses from home(ish) and my DD us at the nursery 3 days a week from 9 months old (initially it was 2 days(. She's confident, thriving, stimulated and defo not whinging from boredom there. I could not provide her with the same level if attention at home.

Hope you don't end up resenting your kids when you will have finished with your business. When the youngest one is 3 who's to say you will have the sane opportunity to have a job, self- or otherwise employed. You say you live your kids and your business has to go; of course you love them but how can you think a daycare setting is more damaging than you ignoring t and snapping at them all day?

(Professional hat on) The research actually says that poor quality institutional childcare is damaging to young children, not that institutional childcare for under threes is automatically damaging.

There is some good quality research done in Scandinavia where they mapped friendship groups of children in school, and the ones who had been in daycare from a young age were the best at making friends. So it can actually have advantages for children to have experience of childcare.

This all says that if you find childcare you think is good quality, it may well be good for your children to spend time there on a regular basis.

Or just get a cleaner. She can also iron, wash up and tidy not just actually clean. I really wouldn't give up on the business, esp. when your husband is less than suppotive.

flow4 - I had terrible PND after I gave birth to my first child. I was very ill indeed. I'm no where near as ill as that. I can actually find periods of happiness every day that I could never find back then.

It's less than my DH does. Can you do online grocery shopping and get him to do another job instead? Do you cook separately for adults and children? Could you all eat the same thing?

Just order a dishwasher, they're not that expensive and if you do all the washing up, your DH doesn't get to veto.

Burnt, what does that £50 need to buy?

Sweetheart, if you are sat there devastated and in tears and he is surfing the net whilst stuffing his face, then yes, he is choosing to ignore your needs and that he need to change, as opposed to really thinking it. Because if really thought that, seeing you break down and admit you can't cope would make him realise he's got it wrong.

You need to ask yourself one simple question: if the tables were turned, would YOU be treating HIM like this? You know that you wouldn't even dream of it. So now ask yourself another simple question: why are you accepting this shit? I don't mean that you are responsible for his behaviour, not for a second, btw.

Having read more, I see that you are in a complicated position. If your Dh was okay about the shared cash, then I'd say give up the business, because a happier and more attentive mummy will be far better than any amount of clothes and toys BUT, from your description of his attitude, he is already mildly (or not) financially abusive, and if you have no money of your own, he'd no doubt get worse until you become an unpaid skivvy who can't do things right or well enough.

I think your Dc's whinging is symptomatic of what's going on in your home. Mummy is sad and stretched too thin, Daddy doesn't care and just wants to ignore or shame Mummy for having any needs or not being superhuman. They're alerting you to things being wrong with their behaviour. Listen to their behaviour.

I did burnt - see option 2.

I still think option 4 will save your sanity the most.

"You say you live your kids and your business has to go; of course you love them but how can you think a daycare setting is more damaging than you ignoring t and snapping at them all day?"

So as I said, the business has to go, and I have to spend less money.

And I u derstand you're at the end of your tether. Today my DD was at home and it was impossible for me to do anything. 3 emails took me half a day and I ended up snapping at poor DD. if I had her at home all week, I wouldn't be able to do anything. I hope you can see your kids are worse off with a permanently snappy mother than at a good nursery or childminder.

If you want to be dependant in a husband who doesn't respect your input...