The kids winge and cry

[BurntToastSmell]

I have two very demanding young children. A toddler (2 years) and a baby (9 months). They winge all day long (I really mean: all. day. long). Aside from look after the kids on my own all day (7am till 6pm) I have to keep the house clean, make their food, make sure all the dishes are washed, make sure all the clothes are clean, take them to baby & toddler groups, AND run an online business. I'm at the end of my tether because of the constant winging all day long. My friend has suggested using an ipod and turning the volume up full so I can't hear their winging. Is this reasonable? I don't know how I would get all my chores done otherwise, but I feel terrible. I read that if you leave young children to winge/cry, you can lower their self esteem and make them more anxious (due to elevated levels of cortisol). I really hate leaving them to cry but I don't know what else I can do? I don't want to put them into daycare/nursery until they are 3.

[bbface]

I have read the entire thread.

I am probably alone in not thinking that your husband is the devil incarnate. He sounds like a man pushed to the edge himself. Your way of dealing with your unhappines is to spend lots of money on eBay. His release is to have an hour a day with a friend. Inconsiderate and selfish of him? Damn right. But not the end of the world.

You language describing the children is, well,upsetting if I am honest.

Your single track mind about child care and your insulting words are unpleasant.

Nor do i share the popular view that your husband is a control freak. You freely admit you have no control over spending, so he controls the lion's share. Sensible in my opinion.

You receive £200 a month above groceries and eBay expenditure, seems reasonable to me. the £18 a week diet coke habit comes out often grocery bill and not your personal money, yes?

You go to the gym twice a week,to which he drives you because you can not drive, doesn't seem like a control thing to me, instead seems like quite a nice thing to do for your partner. Presumably the children are in the car and he has to keep them amused in the car whilst you gym? Decent. Or does he go home, get them out of the car, then half hour later do the whole rigmarole again? Whatever, decent of him I would say.


Ok, shaking you is unacceptable. And profoundly wrong of him. You say you fought him too. Was he defending himself? Whatever, he should not have hurt you. By your reaction to call women's aid is an over reaction in my opinion. Has is man ever been physically abusive to you in the past? Has he ever hinted at violence before? You have to mentioned it, so I presume no. So you ring women's aid, when there are women out there genuinely in fear or dangerous men. And what is your purpose? Refuge is out of the question apparently. I suggest you read some of the other threads on mumsnet from women who live in terror, who live for the moment that they can get out and take their children to refuge.

In short burnt toast, I have little sympathy for you. I do, however, have huge amounts sympathy for your children, and even a little bit of sympathy for your husband.

[catstail]

burnt, how are things or have you got a new thread?

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

Also, with regard to the diet coke habit - That wonderful but almost painful feeling of the cold fizz going down, you can do this with fizzy mineral water.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

Dearest Burnt,

So sorry to hear what a hideous time you are having.

I think the children whinge and whine because they have a very unhappy mother.

I wonder if you could use some of the £50 a week on a cleaner and just use the dryer to dry the clothes anyway, regardless of what your horrid, lying unsupportive and now abusive H says.

That shopping bug you have - it fills the desperate empty hole in you doesn't it? (I have had it too, a long time ago) It also brings you some feeling of control in this awful situation where everything seems out of your control. But you can get that feeling from other things, like squirrelling away that money for things that are really important to you - a cleaner, a taxi, a gym visit, a private one to one counselling session.

When you say you can't eat because you are sick to your stomach, I think about all that fizzy diet coke that's going down and worry that with the stress and all, this diet coke habit will give you a stomach ulcer. Also, you mentioned being an anxious person - well that diet coke is full of caffeine as others have mentioned, and this amount of caffeine is going to seriously affect your anxiety levels. you must be absolutely buzzing with it!

Please go and see a doctor or a personal counsellor and get yourself some help.

Once you are in a happier place, your children will be too and when they do whinge (which will hopefully be less), it won't bother you so much because you won't be so hyped up on caffeine and you will hopefully feel calmer.

As for the husband, well I suppose you have to decide if this is what you actually want to do with your life...

If it was me, I would rather be without him, and lead my own life with him paying maintenance and me controlling my own finances. If he earns £52,000 a year, he would have to give the lion's share to you to support your children.

Best of luck with sorting things out for a better life for yourself and your children.

[showtunesgirl]

Bogey he has been physically abusive. Counselling is not advised in these circumstances.

[Bogeyface]

Where was the attack? She has said herself that she has problems with it, and I said that counselling might help her deal with her need to buy things in order to be happy.

[MainlyMaynie]

I don't think attacking her ability to deal with money is very helpful in this situation. She is not a child and even if she does have a problem with spending, not having any information about their finances is not the way to deal with it. Whether 50 a week is a lot depends entirely on your income, I don't think it's much, so really our opinions are irrelevant.

[Bogeyface]

I suppose my post has come from the fact that if a man was as the OP has admitted to being, a spender, then the overwhelming opinion would be to take all financial control away and give him an allowance. So the fact that he has done that and is now called abusive seems wrong.

I am also conscious of the fact that her version of events may not tally with his. I have lived with a spendthrift and we almost lost our home, and shaking him was the least of what I would have like to have done. I am not saying it is right but I can see where it could come from. We were equal earners, but he pissed his up the wall on crap and I just managed to keep our heads above water, the stess and anger from that was indescribable.

[Bogeyface]

No I didnt, I was referring to the financial abuse.

The OP is clearly not in a place where she feels strong enough to leave so counselling would help with all of her issues.

[showtunesgirl]

Bogey, did you miss the bit where he has physically hurt her and given her bruises?

[Bogeyface]

OK, so I made a total arse of myself by posting this on the wrong thread, so have c&p'd it here.

The "she" is because I was answering someone on what I thought was this thread.

i am concerned that she cant manage of £50 a week for bits and bobs. I would love that to spend on whatever took my fancy. It seems to me that she needs help with her shopping addiction (and it is an addiction) and deal with why she needs to shop to make herself feel good, I am thinking in particular of her need to see her childrens happy faces when she has bought them something new. Also, it needs to address her need to be accepted by people who frankly dont matter. i am getting from her posts that her children probably rarely wear the same outfit twice at baby groups (happy to be corrected but that is the vibe), and is so bothered by snotty nosed bitches comments about "crap clothes".

I can see why her DH is concerned about having a joint account if she is, by her own admission, a spender and crap with money. But by being an officious arsehole he is actually making the problem worse because every time he tells her she is shit and refuses to discuss it, she feels worse and so goes out and buys something to make herself feel better.

I think that the cries of abuse regarding finances are a bit off, as I say, because she has admitted she would spend spend spend and you cant do that if you have a mortgage and bills to pay. So he may well be the only thing keeping them afloat. BUT.......he is being nasty about it and by refusing to pull his weight in the house and by lying about his "me" time, I would say that he is actually the one destroying the marriage.

I think his main problem isnt money but the fact that he wants the OP to STFU and do what he wants, and as she is now questioning it, he is threatening her with ending the marriage in order to get her to back off.

I dont think Relate would work for them as I get the feeling he would manipulate the situation and make her feel worse. But she definitely needs counselling to help with her issues and then she may be in a stronger position to either insist on a change in the status quo, or start afresh on her own.

[ScarahScreams]

You poor girl :(

[SirBoobAlot]

Have been thinking of you today Burnt, hope you're okay.

[StuntGirl]

How are you today toast?

[foolonthehill]

Hi Op: Maybe these links will help you?

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_abuse.html

www.lovemoney.com/news/debt/debt/14905/why-financial-abuse-is-domestic-violence

www.squidoo.com/cycleofabuse

From my experience (and a whole heap of research) the abuse tends to get worse over time and our ability to keep running normally reduces as the stress increases. The pain of trying to keep things going, of feeling worthless and yet somehow to blame for this is exhausting. It is damaging at the very core of our being, we are always confronted with our "failure"...to keep him happy, to keep up appearances, to have the sort of marriage we imagined, to have a stable, loving home for the children..

It is a big leap to go from "I can't cope with the children" to realising that "I am married to an abusive man" and I am sure there is a great deal of fear in your heart at present. Move forward. Find out what it means, look at links read a book {Lundy bancroft "Why does he do that? would be my recommendation} and keep talking...either here, or another thread and/or in real life.

By the way I was married to an abuser for 14 years. My youngest child was just as you describe. He left 1 year ago....we are all much better and less whingey now.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

burnt I hope you are ok.

Can I suggest you start a new thread as people seem incapable of reading beyond your OP?

[OxfordBags]

WHY are so many people incapable of reading beyond the opening post?!?! Why?! People, READ the bloody thread before posting, pleeeeeeease...

[amverytired]

How are you doing this morning BT?

[dysfunctionalme]

IvanaNap - "this can be v difficult for men" not really. Emotional fuckwits; yes

But it is. On the whole women are natural talkers, men are natural do-ers. To ignore this is to create an unrealistic expectation. If the guy resorts to bully tactics his whole mindset is unhealthy and is unlikely to transform overnight into a clear communicator. However I do not believe this is a good enough reason to call the whole thing off.

OP I agree with much of the advice here, to refrain from email and text arguments, and to involve police if there is any violence. I know this is really hard. I couldn't bring myself to do it When I voiced the police option my ex said I needed to be careful what I wished for, that he could lose his job and then I would be screwed which, at the time, was more terrifying than violence.

Looking back I wish I had involved police so he could have been confronted with the awfulness of his behaviour.

I also wish I had spelled out what I wanted more clearly, rather than just sinking into despair about it all.

So I wondered whether you might want to try spelling it out to your husband e.g. "Things feel v tough right now. I want our marriage to survive and I want us to focus on getting through this and doing the best for our children. Can we try to compromise on helping each other get time out (e.g. him with his friends, you with your gym) so we can start to feel a bit better?"

Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't, but it might be worth a try?

[RawShark]

Oops sorry - I swear there were only a few posts when I wrote this. Please ignore.

[CheerfulYank]

Oh OP. :(

I'm sorry you are going through this. Just wanted to see how you are.

[naturalbaby]

Burnt It must feel like a huge shock to really see what's going on but you can move on and up from this. You can be strong for your DC's and make the changes that they need for you all to be happy.

Try not to blame your DH, look for blame or accuse him of anything - as you saw with your email it will make him defensive and throw the blame back.
Be specific with your requests for help e.g 'I need you to look after your dc's for __hrs'. 'can you wash the dishes/tidy up while I bath the dc's so we can have some time together when they are bed?'

Is your relationship really not worth £40 an hour at Relate?

[SirBoobAlot]

Also Burnt, maybe its worth starting a new thread so that the people who clearly aren't reading this one stop adding in on what you first posted when there are now bigger issues to deal with?