The kids winge and cry

[BurntToastSmell]

I have two very demanding young children. A toddler (2 years) and a baby (9 months). They winge all day long (I really mean: all. day. long). Aside from look after the kids on my own all day (7am till 6pm) I have to keep the house clean, make their food, make sure all the dishes are washed, make sure all the clothes are clean, take them to baby & toddler groups, AND run an online business. I'm at the end of my tether because of the constant winging all day long. My friend has suggested using an ipod and turning the volume up full so I can't hear their winging. Is this reasonable? I don't know how I would get all my chores done otherwise, but I feel terrible. I read that if you leave young children to winge/cry, you can lower their self esteem and make them more anxious (due to elevated levels of cortisol). I really hate leaving them to cry but I don't know what else I can do? I don't want to put them into daycare/nursery until they are 3.

I work from home with a 15 month-old, but only when he's asleep. I couldn't do it if I had another child who slept at a different time.

How can you be concerned about sending your children to nursery or a childminder when the alternative is being at home with you while you work from home and effectively ignore them ?!! How can that be less damaging !? Really confused by your attitudes.

As someone else said you cannot expect a 2 year old and a 9 month old to amuse themselves for more than 5 minutes. It isn't fair on them.

And as for plugging yourself into the iPod and turning the volume up words fail me !!! If a childminder was doing that it would be called neglectful in all honesty.

The cleaning will have to wait. I have housework ocd believe me but since having dd now 4 months everything has slipped because I am determined to put him first and spend the days chatting singing and cuddling him. I sit with him and show him toys and generally just keep a running dialogue. He will sit under the play gym for the odd 15 mins but I still talk to him.

I also have dd aged 9 who I had terrible pnd with so I know it's difficult. I was on citalopram for 2 years of her life... very strong doses and nearly hospitalised mainly due to trying to be superwoman.

Don't be superwoman. Just be a mum first and everything else second for now.

"your OH seem to have an odd and rather unequal relationship, frankly"

• can you explain what you mean by 'our relationship' being odd?

"Why is the baby only having one nap a day and going to bed at 9pm?"

• the baby naps when he feels like it (which at the moment is once a day). I've tried putting him in his cot for naps, but he cries and cries and is inconsolable.

Kailisi - if I said such a thing, he would go off on one. His typical response to me asking for help is: "Oh you must think my job is a walk in the park; you must think I sit around all day"

So dump the tit of a husband, have a messy house and happy kids. Life is too short.

What does he think you do all day?

Does he think faries appear when he leaves and do all the housework and running around? and if so can he tell me where to find said faries!

"What does he think you do all day? "

I have no idea :( I really don't.

I have placed all of my children into a pre school as soon as they turned 2, for 26 hours a week. They have all thrived. There is an initial settling in period of about 2-3 weeks, once that is over, they seem to love it.

9pm is too late. Your DH's feelings are not more important than your DC's. Lack of sleep must be a cause here, esp if you say the baby won't nap any more. They are over tired. It will take time to readjust but please for the sake of your children put them to bed at a reasonable hour, I'd say between 6.30 and 7pm.
Whining is a form of torture, I have whiny children but 99% of the time you can see its due to tiredness!

I let my babies nap on me, having a cuddle, and then gently placed them down to sleep. They don't like going into a cot, I guess they feel abandoned.

whining usually means tired or hungry ( in my experience )

BurntToast, please get out of AIBU, you're getting some unhelpful comments from those of us who are here for the bunfight, and stopping you from focussing on the helpful stuff that you're getting as well.

Name7 - you're definitely right about the baby. He looks tired a lot. But if I can't put him down, what can I do?

I think you need to switch some cartoons on

Is the baby getting good naps in his cot in the day?

Mind was grizzly until i started putting him up for proper daytime naps.

Burnt can't you engineer a situation where your dh has then for a whole day night?

Or has he? He needs to realise how much you have on your plate.

Will the baby watch cbeebies? Even my 4 mo will watch that for a while... worth a try...

I don't think any of the replies have been unhelpful. I think people are just as concerned for the children as they are for the op.

Honestly I really would consider daycare. Everything will seem better for you all.

You sound frazzled, you poor thig. Agree a childminder would be a good solution - my toddler adores going, and it wears him out

But whether or not you do childcare, I would really really recommend an earlier bedtime. All three of you sound knackered. I'd do a morning nap for both and bed at 7pm.

Perhaps of you take the toddler out in the afternoon the baby might nap again in the pram? He might be less grumpy then too.

Do you kiss and cuddle your children when you are paying them attention? Seeing as you're obviously a fan of Oliver James maybe some intense "love bombing" for an hour a day will help.

I do as well to be honest. What have you read that says its so bad? I'm having a brilliant experience with it.

But if you really don't want to work needs looking at, could you get a partner? What type of business is it?

FWIW, neither of my two would have ever gone to bed before 8pm and stayed asleep. They also usually woke up between 8 and 9am and weren't overtired. Not all kids need to be in bed by 7pm.

Can you put your business on hold? That would help some...

I recommend "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". I would buy one for every pregnant friend, if I could afford it! My son was just coming off 3 naps a day and onto 2 naps a day at 9months old. One sort of before lunch and one in the afternoon. Your DS is crying because going into the cot isn't as much fun as being with Mum! But he needs the sleep. It is so, so hard to hear them cry, but you wouldn't let him stick a fork in an electrical outlet would you? You have to do what is best for them, and when you've all had more sleep, you will all feel 100% different.

I agree with the other poster who says she had PND and was on citalopram for 2 years of her daughter's life. I was the same - had emergency C-section and then a massive hemorrage (sp?) and developed PND and have been on citalopram for 2 years of my son's life. And a big factor in it was my child was not a great sleeper, and had undiagnosed reflux, etc.

I digress. There is help out there! Have you contacted HomeStart? www.home-start.org.uk/homepage I used to have a volunteer come to the house for one hour a week (they usually volunteer 2-hour blocks of time) and I really looked forward to getting to sew for that hour. A volunteer could watch the children in your home, while you spend 2 hours on yourself. Everyone needs time to do that. PS It's free!

Ok, I have a whiney baby, its at its worst when hes tired. Yours sounds knackered. If you put him down to sleep when you think he's tired and he cries, let him cry even scream until he goes to sleep. That 9 month old definitely needs more sleep and I'm guessing your toddler does too. If your DH is moaning that he doesn't see much of them in the evening, tough luck, they need an earlier bed time.

Re child care, my DS, 12 months, loves nursery-really enjoys it. Forget the book, consider some childcare for at least one of your children.

burnt - my dh was flipping useless. i still resent him for it. i had to dig so deep in myself to get through the days you are going through now.

i have not got rid of him. it's not that black and white.
but i think in your situation something has got to give, and for me, it would be work - at the moment. is this a possibility?

Burnt what it comes down to is, a 9 month old needs constant attention. A 2 year old could be expected to do maybe 20 minutes solo play, but after that they will need at least 10 minutes of your attention.

Now you can do some bitty housework around that, but no big jobs. You can just about keep up with laundry and prevent the place being a health hazard. Stuff like mopping a floor or cleaning the bathroom just has to be done while they are asleep.

You CANNOT work from home with two awake infants in the house. It is impossible. So you must get childcare, or stop working. That's what it comes down to.

I suspect your relationship has been described as odd because your husband's response to your difficulties is very unreasonable and heartless.

Have you tried a Jumperoo ?