The kids winge and cry

[BurntToastSmell]

I have two very demanding young children. A toddler (2 years) and a baby (9 months). They winge all day long (I really mean: all. day. long). Aside from look after the kids on my own all day (7am till 6pm) I have to keep the house clean, make their food, make sure all the dishes are washed, make sure all the clothes are clean, take them to baby & toddler groups, AND run an online business. I'm at the end of my tether because of the constant winging all day long. My friend has suggested using an ipod and turning the volume up full so I can't hear their winging. Is this reasonable? I don't know how I would get all my chores done otherwise, but I feel terrible. I read that if you leave young children to winge/cry, you can lower their self esteem and make them more anxious (due to elevated levels of cortisol). I really hate leaving them to cry but I don't know what else I can do? I don't want to put them into daycare/nursery until they are 3.

[Vagaceratops]

They are whinging because they are bored.

Engage with them or use childcare imo.

[Sirzy]

If he tired?

If not I agree with with idea of music on and a bit of dancing, tickling, bath anyuthing like that!

[Haahoostory]

OP. Ignore the books and follow your gut. You know that children want attention. You know you can't give them 100% undivided attention all day (no one can). You need to send your 2 year old to a childminder for a couple of mornings a week. They'll make new friends, have loads of fun, learn to share and return in need of an early afternoon nap. So you'll have most of the morning to get on with work and chores and another hour or two after lunch whilst they are napping. Bring bedtime forwards a bit and try and get a bit of time in the evening relaxing with your husband. DO NOT become an 'i need to be a perfect mum' matayr. You are a perfect mum to your kids - they love you. Also the house can just be good enough - who cares if its not a show home. Its the lived - in look.

[BurntToastSmell]

"Does he ever have them both on his own?"

• he takes them to a dad's group for 2 hours on a Sat. Then to his dads for another hour. He takes them to do the supermarket shop.
  

"I would start spending his money"

I DO spend his money - on the kids. Clothing and toys. 90% of everything I buy is for them. (As it should be).

MrsKeithRichards - I love the idea of getting it all done in 20 minutes (naturally). But re: dishes and mess. I wash all the dishes - more appear within an hour. I clean up the toys - more appear immediately.

"Seriously though, kids can live in a dump"

Would a health visitor say that? I've got one (she's a bitch) coming tomorrow.

Hopeandski9p - great idea. I would have done it before, but I'm breastfeeding.

[BurntToastSmell]

"You know you can't give them 100% undivided attention all day (no one can). You need to send your 2 year old to a childminder for a couple of mornings a week."

But not everyone uses childcare. So if all kids need undivided attention, yet not everyone uses childcare - how do the people that dont use childcare keep their house in order AND the children entertained?

[MainlyMaynie]

OP, you are clearly struggling and upset. The posters who can't see that should be ashamed. I'd advise you not to post in AIBU, stick to parenting or something like that. Lots of people don't want to put their children in nursery, it's a personal choice.

There's nothing wrong with struggling, it's bloody hard work. Do the kids watch TV? Try putting Baby TV on for a bit. I don't understand people's obsession with early bedtimes, as long as the children get enough sleep it doesn't matter what time it is (as long as it fits with your family). My DS was asleep at the same time as your toddler, bit later than normal but he now won't fall asleep till 9.30. That's fine, he normally sleeps 9-9 and 2-4. What are their sleeping patterns?

I think from another thread you all live in a 2 bed flat? Can you afford to move? Having a garden and a bit more space would help you all.

Do you need the money/want the stimulation from your online business? If not, drop it for now.

Have you got a dishwasher? If not, get one.

Get a mother's help or a cleaner if you can afford one.

Have you spoken to your health visitor or Dr about whether you have signs of PND?

[ScaryBOOAlot]

You say on your other thread you're on AA and ADs. Are you recieving any mental health support as well, or just pills? Because some counseling may be helpful for you to just off load if nothing else.

Going on both your threads, you and your OH seem to have an odd and rather unequal relationship, frankly. Maybe some sit down discussions with him are needed.

You need to stop expecting so much of yourself.

[givemeaclue]

They are bored and ignored. You are stressed. At nursery they would be playing with others, singing, doing water play, art, dancing, being outside, cooking, enjoying stories etc etc . If they were to go do, half a day each day you would be able to get what you need to done so you have the rest of day to enjoy being wi I then. Everyone's happy.

[Sirzy]

Your not just trying to run a house and stay at home though, that is possible with realistic expectation but you are also trying to run a business and do all of that with very little support from your partner.

[givemeaclue]

Think your kids could be picking up on your stress levels. Time away from each other must be better than the current situation. You all sound miserable. That is not good for kids. Regardless of your feelings about nurseries there are some great ones. Go and have a look? Or what about a nanny or mothers help?

[GColdtimer]

Why do you think having them at home and ignoring them would be better than sending them to nursery. Honestly, u think it would do you all some good. I am self employed and work from home and there is no way I could do it if my dc were in the house too.

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

if you had an office job, and you wanted to work at home for the day, you would be expected to find child care for your children

My point being, you cannot work at home with children around

you can't get either job done properly

you are resentful cos the work is not being done, and you are resentful because you know the children need attention

they are whinging, whining for your attention
yes, some children do need/want constant attention

[givemeaclue]

It's really upsetting that the,e kids are being ignored and called whingeing when they are just babies needing some attention. Please get some help.

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

For now, use your iPod to put something on and get your children to dance. Clap your hands and do things your 9 month old can imitate, and get your two year old to properly dance. If you don't have any music, look through the TV. There is always some loony children's channel with music and dancing. They'll feel better for tiring themselves out a little, and once they've got going you can sit down if you need too. You'll get a hormone release from the exercise, and feel a bit better, too.

Then find some interesting things to make a picture with. Doesn't matter what - if you've got nothing else, look for sweet wrappers, pretty packaging, cling film, kitchen foil. Lots of textures. Let your 9 month old play with them, and make a picture with them on the floor for daddy/grandma/next door - whoever. Choose what to do - a house or a train or something, and then get some glue and make the picture. Sing some related songs, and help your 9 month old stick clouds in the sky with cotton wool or something.

That should keep them busy for the next few hours. If you get nothing else done, don't worry. If it needs tidying, at the end of it all, play the "tidy up" game, even if you have to bribe your 2 year old to help. Do it minutes before Daddy gets home so it's pretty tidy when he walks in. Who cares what happens afterwards. If it gets messed up again, he can help to tidy it.

When they go to bed tonight, take a few minutes for yourself. Have a glass of wine/hot chocolate or something and just take a second to recoup. Stop thinking about what needs to be done, and calm down for a minute. Then build this calming-down time into your day. 20 minutes to read a magazine between the children going to bed and you putting a wash on or something is essential to your wellbeing.

Finally, if your DH complains, tell him that you will prioritise the children over everyone else. They are unhappy, so they are whining. You've set impossible standards for yourself. If you can't get things done while entertaining them, look at other options, like getting a cleaner. At the end of the day, it's not important. Being a happy, engaging mummy for your children is.

PS - I always found a schedule helped with whining. It might be too early for your 9 month old, but your 2 year old could help. Print pictures of different activities - playing in the garden, going to the ducks, playgroup, nap time, making cakes, blowing bubbles, drawing pictures, watching a film, doing nursery rhymes with all the moves etc, and then laminate them. Stick velcro to the back and to a piece of paper, and after breakfast in the morning help to choose an activity. There is a reason they do this at nursery - it lets them know what to expect. Any free time you get, put books out and read a story. When baby whines, change the game, or sing a song, or do dancing. Anything to distract him and stop the noise, so it doesn't drive you insane.

I hope this helps a bit. Look after yourself. You don't need to be superwoman - and the HV will know that most people clean the house seconds before she arrives. Your children being happy is the most important thing, and you feeling human and happy too. Then the house.

[trixie123]

have read about half the thread so sorry if I've missed a few bits but it does sound like there are some elements that could help you immensely. Why is the baby only having one nap a day and going to bed at 9pm? My 17m still has two naps most days or one 2 hr one at about 11 and they both (other is 3) go to bed at 7pm. Most nights DP isn't home until 5.50-6 and tonight its 6.30 but their bedtime is important so he has a short time with them but we try and spend the weekends all together. His tiredness will almost certainly be a factor in the whinging. Just before they crack crawling / walking is really tough because they DO get frustrated and I'm afraid, yes, you do need to be with them most of the time at this point. Why is a HV coming out to you at this stage? Has she identified specific issues? I know you don;t want a childcare debate but it really doesn'y sound like your "research" is terribly comprehensive and you have a LOT of people on here suggesting it might be a way forward. Could you afford an au pair or nanny who works alongside you?

[CailinDana]

OP you sound totally overwhelmed and at sea. It is just not possible to work full time or nearly full time with two children in the house, while at the same time keeping on top of all the housework. You're essentially trying to do three jobs at the same time and no one is capable of that. I only have one toddler and work from home 16 hours a month and at times I find that a struggle. And the house is a mess most of the time. It's clean, but messy.

Your children need your attention. They are whinging because they can see you there, in reach, but they can't get you to interact. That's not healthy for a child, especially one that's under one. Over 18 months a child can be left to their own devices for some of the day, and should be able to entertain themselves a fair amount but a 9 month old just can't do that. They're far too young. They need to be held and played with because they don't have the coordination or mobility to entertain themselves. You say your 9 month old isn't great at sitting up - so why are you leaving them to sit on their own? Why are you expecting a tiny child to do something they clearly can't do? It doesn't make sense. A baby that age just can't be left on their own for any great period of time - it's a fact of life.

I'm not entirely clear on what you have against childcare. Surely a CM/nursery where their job is to entertain your child is better than being at home with a mum who has so much on her plate that she's considering wearing earphones so she can ignore them better?

As for housework - cut that right down. Bathroom needs regular cleaning, as does the kitchen, for hygiene purposes. However, don't get into the trap of spending endless hours in the kitchen - try to clean as you go if you can and reuse plates and cups if possible. It might be worth putting out a plate, cup and set of cutlery each in the morning and absolutely restricting yourselves to those till dinner time, so you're forced to rinse them each time you want to eat/drink something rather than getting something new out of the cupboard. Throw clothes in the machine first thing in the morning, every morning, as part of your getting up routine and deal with them when you have any free moment. Hoover a couple of times a week. Beyond that a bit of mess isn't going to kill anyone. A house just have to be liveable, not perfect.

From what you say about your DH he doesn't sound very helpful or supportive, is that fair?

[Kalisi]

Sorry if its been said but tell your DH if he's not willing to split housework then he needs to take the kids to work with him because that is essentially what you are doing. It winds me up when people can't see that being a SAHM and working from home is the equivelent of doing two jobs..At the same time! No wonder your kids are moaning

[PickledFanjoCat]

They generally don't try and add running a business into the mix with NO childcare whatsoever burnt toast! That's how!

[fothergill]

Don't beat yourself up about it. Could you do the house work with your youngest whilst the baby sleeps? My little one can spend hours at the sink washing up non breakables whilst I try to knock back the stuff that I don't know what to do with but is too disparate too easily put away. Slightly broken toys waiting to be fixed near where the glue lives, a clothes peg, a battery (is it dead or alive?) bills that we have no problem paying but for some reason I can't physically touch, drawings and paintings too shit for the wall but yet with some sentimental attachment stopping the cull to the recycling, and the inevitable entropy of grips and bobbles.
I am curious as to how people upkeep the level of stamina to keep their house showroom neat. I probably just don't care enough - it's all clean just in disarray. I met someone recently and I just knew her house would be spotless. Whilst I was right when I did go round, it was spotless but she seemed to have achieved a pristine look mainly through not actually actually owning anything. Literally, empty shelving. Maybe that's the way forward.

[HiHowAreYou]

Could you get them to nap at the same time do you think? You sound worn out. :(

[Haahoostory]

My wonderful childminder also runs a crèche 9 - 1. It's in a big hall with loads of toys and they also do painting, singing and dancing, trips out to the park, games etc. it's £2.50 an hour. Much cheaper than a cleaner. So I get to clean in peace and my ds1 gets to have a wonderful time. And it only costs £10.
I can then do something nice with him in the afternoon after his nap.
Happy mum, clean house, happy son.
Get some child care! This is the most realistic answer to your problem.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

You can't work from home with a baby older than 6 months not to mention a toddler. F. A. C. T. Send at least ine to the nursery for a couple of morning/ afternoons (at least) and the child will be grateful to you as they will pay him some attention there which you can't as you're trying to work.

[Haahoostory]

Oh and I have a baby, but he is happy to amuse himself in the same room as me whilst I clean. And he naps some of the morning anyway. I use the crèche 2 mornings a week.

[baskingseals]

i am fantasizing about empty shelving now.

burnt - hope you are okay. as i have said before i found the first two years of dc's life fairly traumatic, and i wasn't trying to work as well.

i think you are doing the 'ten impossible things before breakfast'. NOBODY could do or attempt to do what you are doing and be tralalaing through the meadows.

it is a sign of strength, not weakness, to ask for help when you need it.

[Witchesbrewandbiscuits]

Just been reading some of your other posts and considering you suffer from anxiety etc I am wondering if you might have pnd? You really need to seek help from a gp, health visitor or such like and seriously consider some childcare before things spiral out if control. Sitting at home alone crying whilst breastfeeding is not healthy. I really feel for you. Really hope you can act on everyone's advice and seek help. Pnd and anxiety etc are so common and can be overcome with the right input. Think about how great things will be when you come out the other side. Pls pls see ur gp op x