The kids winge and cry

[BurntToastSmell]

I have two very demanding young children. A toddler (2 years) and a baby (9 months). They winge all day long (I really mean: all. day. long). Aside from look after the kids on my own all day (7am till 6pm) I have to keep the house clean, make their food, make sure all the dishes are washed, make sure all the clothes are clean, take them to baby & toddler groups, AND run an online business. I'm at the end of my tether because of the constant winging all day long. My friend has suggested using an ipod and turning the volume up full so I can't hear their winging. Is this reasonable? I don't know how I would get all my chores done otherwise, but I feel terrible. I read that if you leave young children to winge/cry, you can lower their self esteem and make them more anxious (due to elevated levels of cortisol). I really hate leaving them to cry but I don't know what else I can do? I don't want to put them into daycare/nursery until they are 3.

How many hours a week do you have to work OP?

I think you're being given a very hard time here by the way.

burnt. i am on mumsnet now. my 3yo is playing some complicated game with a very sweet teenage girl who comes once a week and who i pay £4 an hour to pretend to be a power ranger.

my 10 yo and 5 yo are at my sister's. i am telling you to get some help. you have a very small age gap. it is unbelievably hard work. i think people forget just how hard it is. you need some back up.

your children are fine. and you are a better mother than you think you are.
don't sweat the small stuff. you CAN do this.

See that would get my DH back up if I texted him at work to ask him that. Some things need to be discussed face to face. Does he ever have them both on his own? Mine didn't and waltzed in to play superdad at bathtimes but then he had to single handedly wash, dress and entertain them for a day and he now doesn't dare moan about a messy kitchen etc
It's harder still when you think someone is going to come home and criticise you after you've had an awful day.

OK, on top of all this your DP is not pulling his weight - a man who can't take on one more chore because his wife is struggling is a twat. I would start spending his money, TBH - dishwasher, cleaner, laundry service, childcare. What are his views on childcare, btw?

If a cleaner isn't an option, could you maybe take a look at the tasks that need doing around the house on a daily basis? For me, when at home, it would be do a wash, do the washing up, maybe run the hoover or a broom around the main rooms, a cook meals. Anything else could wait until DP was around, either in the evenings or weekends.

Then once a week I'd take about 2 hours to run around like a blue-arsed fly and dust, change the bedsheets, that sort of thing.

Maybe there is stuff you think you need to do on a daily basis that could be done less often?

If you don't want to use childcare don't, get help with your business and housework so you enjoy the kids more.

Everyone is telling you what to do, but you seem hell bent on ignoring any advice.

Get some help in, for goodness sake!

So the first thing you need to sort out is that your OH is a tit, then. You work too.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1584043-to-ask-DH-NOT-to-take-a-piss-in-the-morning

Just for context.

There was an episode of supernanny - american lady trying to work at home - no childcare. Children playing up through lack of attention. She was also putting the child 3 or 4 yr old down for a long nap so she could work and then wondering why they wouldn't sleep in the evening.

Watching the video helped them see the madness of it all and get some childcare in place.

You can't work and give proper attention to small children.

If you are dead set against external childcare how about an au pair or mother's help. Even paying a tenenager eg a childcare student an hour a day would give you chance to work and the children some interaction.

op are you ok?

most of us have been where you are - to a greater or lesser extent. it does get better, honestly.

How about making a list of what you need to do in a day? What's your bare minimum for the house? I know mine and I can get through it surprisingly quick. Dishes, one load of washing on, hung up and the day before's put away, quick wipe of bathroom, bed made,kitchen surfaces clean, living room squared up and if I get through that a quick Hoover! I can fly through that in about twenty minutes. Mentally I feel much better knowing that all that is done. If baby is settled and I feel like it I might Hoover the stairs or something a bit more demanding but I don't beat myself up about it.

How much time do you have to dedicate to your on line business a day?

well then he is an arse. Seriously, two kids in two years you don't get to 'just' work and cook dinner unless your partner is a martyr or you have domestic help.

wanted to add to my last post, the bit about being able to play for ten minutes tops... I didn't mean that a baby can play for ten minutes, then you chat with them, give them another toy and they play another ten minutes. They really should be involved in your life. I'm of the opinion that kids don't need lots of specific play, that they can turn regular chores into play if you work it the right way, for instance, wash dishes when the baby is napping and have your two year old standing on a chair next to you putting the wet dishes in the drying rack for you, or have baby in sling while you do it.

Seriously though, kids can live in a dump, it is more important to spend large chunks of time with them than to vacuum and when you vacuum give your two year old a dustbuster to do the edges and hold the baby on your hip and sing with him/her. The room may not get that clean under things and around things but it doesn't matter that much. Use paper plates if you have to. I'm not a huge fan of the things but needs must.

"with a baby and a toddler just over a year apart getting anything done other than clean, nappies changed, dressed and fed is an achievement."

• thank you. I'm glad someone thinks that. I don't think my DH does :( he gets pissed off if the house is a state or theres no clean plates.

I would sit down with him and explain that you are not coping and that he needs to provide more helP and support

• thank you. I'm glad someone thinks that.

God, I think EVERYONE thinks that.

Did you read the post from the mum who works 25hrs from home and has ONE kid the same sort of age as yours and says her house is a tip.

I think you're wrong dixiechick, you can't work 9-5, have a spotless home and give proper attention to your children. But if you structure your day properly and are willing to sacrifice your own leisure time then it is entirely possible. Although that does depend on how many working hours you are trying to fit in.

i look back to when dc3 was a baby, and i don't know how i did it. what did we eat? what did we wear? did people brush their teeth? did they have baths? perhaps it is for the best that i just don't remember.

i can remember the bloody loneliness and slog of it though.

i'd say you are doing well if everyone is still in one bit at the end of the day.

I think DH may be the problem here.

"Do they whine on these days?"

I take them out every day. Either a toddler group, the park or soft play. They winge all the rest of the time.

"dh does lionshare of housework during day but I do my share when I get home and on weekend "

it's bizarre, but DH doesn't take on anymore chores at the weekend, although he takes the kids out from 10am till 12 on Sat. Then for an hour or so on sat afternoon. That really helps. But still, I can't get everything done.

God this baby just won't stop winging. I've just fed him, he's still l;aying on my lap and he's winging over and over. He's on my lap FFS.

Perhaps he needs to take a day's holiday and try it himself. Tell him if he takes a day and manages to do all of what you are doing without running himself ragged and have a clean house and happy, rested kids (WITHOUT using the TV as a babysitter) then you will re-evaluate. However, if he struggles to get it all done or is worn thin or worse still, won't even try then he needs to re-evaluate.

Burnt, turn some music on and dance, or go put the kids in the bath with bubbles.

basking - thank you. I'm touched by your words (they've made me cry more but at least it's good tears).