OP, am so sorry it has come to this for you, but at least the scales are falling from your eyes now and you are seeing that you are in an abusive relationship. But you cannot pretend that something drastic has to happen now. You can't get drunk and block it out and much more importantly, you can't keep your precious DC in that toxic situation. Although the ideal scenario would be to kick him out, do not sacrifice your children's emotional health and safety on the altar of your shame.
Before you mentioned your mum's Mh issues, I had already asked upthread if people or things in your childhood had made you feel ashamed and needing to keep up appearances and put a brave face on things, etc. Knowing that about her makes so much sense about your reactions and what you say. You sound as though you will do anything, go through anything, and - sorry to be cruel to be kind - allow or expect your kids to go through anything to avoid feeling shame. But please try to see that the only person who should be ashamed of is your foul pig of an excuse for a husband. How could a refuge be worse than living in an atmosphere where you, the meaning and end of their universe is being abused?
Now you have discovered his lies and crap, he is escalating. The abuse he's been doling out has stopped being effecient and you've started to display needs and personality of your own, so he had to up the abuse and hurt, scare and bruise you to get you back in line. I feel it's inevitable that the physical abuse will continue. And once you try to confront him about that then he'll have to find new ways of putting you in your place. Many abusers start hurting their children to keep their mother in line. For all that he moans about you spending, the way he talks about it to you really sounds strongly to me like it's just a handy thing for him to belittle you over. He knows that spending has become the drug eith which you numb yoursrlf and delude yourself briefly that life is okay, and he needs you to keep kidding yourself that way. It's a toxic muddle, for sure.
Oh, and not that the money issue is the most important factor right now, but please, please stop believing him about the cash. After he is taxed, he has over £10,000 more a year than we do before tax, and we could afford the things he refuses you (tumble dryer, Relate, etc. Although don't go to Relate, as a victim should not have counselling with her abuser, as he'll use it to justify himself and find new potential avenues for cruelty).