The kids winge and cry

[BurntToastSmell]

I have two very demanding young children. A toddler (2 years) and a baby (9 months). They winge all day long (I really mean: all. day. long). Aside from look after the kids on my own all day (7am till 6pm) I have to keep the house clean, make their food, make sure all the dishes are washed, make sure all the clothes are clean, take them to baby & toddler groups, AND run an online business. I'm at the end of my tether because of the constant winging all day long. My friend has suggested using an ipod and turning the volume up full so I can't hear their winging. Is this reasonable? I don't know how I would get all my chores done otherwise, but I feel terrible. I read that if you leave young children to winge/cry, you can lower their self esteem and make them more anxious (due to elevated levels of cortisol). I really hate leaving them to cry but I don't know what else I can do? I don't want to put them into daycare/nursery until they are 3.

You found childcare 'mindnumbing' then decided to become a stay at home mum? Good idea there .

PS. I was depressed too.

Childcare in my case was 3 half days at a lovely, small community playgroup, and a lovely, motherly childminder for the baby half a day a week while the toddler was at playgroup.

i hope you will leave this thread and have a . be calm. be content with the good things in your life. just sit and have a snuggle with the kids for half an hour. be honest and ask for help if you need it. make some good changes.

I wouldn't use an iPod all day but yes, I don't think it's too bad for a little while if they are driving you nuts. It beats hitting them or yelling as many parents would do in the depths of depression & frustration. Well done for admitting it on here, OP and sorry you have had a flaming. I don't think you are a bad parent, I think you need some help and need to sit down and work things out. But it will get better, before you know it the older one can do 15 hours at pre-school and will relieve the pressure a bit.

I wish more people would be honest about their problems and stop trying to sound like Stepford Wives and supermum all the time. But probably next time the parenting board would be more sympathetic.

Burnttoast I hope you're ok.

Also, if you don't want to use childcare, fine. That's up to you. But you clearly hate looking after them yourself, so you might have to adjust your feelings about being a SAHM.

Woozley I agree with the sentiment of your post, the OP is in a pretty bad place and is feeling backed into a corner, but there are other options other than drown them out with earplugs or beat them!

Good child care for a couple of mornings a week might help her a bit, but she's so entrenched in her opinions about it, it's ruled out as an option.

I'm no supermum. Far from it. If I wasn't executed to take my oldest to school everyday I'd quite happily lie in my bed all day.

I'm actually in awe that you get out every day! I have zero activities for ds2 apart from up and down to school and the off trip down the street.

I don't feel sorry for your children, ignore the passive aggressive comments like that. I feel for you.

You don't want to use childcare. Fine. People that do or have are going to get defensive over criticism of their choices.

How much time do you need to dedicate on a daily business to your business?

We aren?t all saying you have to use childcare, there are a lot of us who have suggested other options for you ? get a cleaner or stop working being a couple of those.

I have tried working from home with just one very easy going child who is really good at entertaining himself. It?s impossible. Every time I do it I end the day utterly miserable, knowing that I have done both jobs badly having given both work and child the bare minimum of attention. More crucially I have ended the day thinking I am a terrible mother who hates spending time with her child. It just isn?t a sustainable long term solution.

I also disagree with the sentiment that you don't like looking after your own children. You said earlier that you do and it's everything else that you feel gets in the road of that. You don't want to delegate the care of your children, which is entirely up to you (maybe lay of the criticism though!) so you need to manage the rest of your workload.

The OP has left the building.

After getting everybodys backs up.

Way to go. Wonder where your kids get their whingy attitude from.

People have been suggesting things to help manage the workload which the OP has just ignored.

Plenty of people have tried to post helpful comments but she just seems to want to take offence or miss peoples points completly

OP I'm SAHM to a 16mo DS and a 3mo DS - it is fucking hard work and I don't have a business to run!!

I have skimmed the thread and the finances bit stood out. I am receiving mat allowance (£550 pcm) and DH is on around £32k. So we're earning much less than your household (and live in the south) but expenses aren't THAT tight (we run a car and buy new clothes admittedly from Primark/Matalan). I'd wonder about where the rest of the money was going tbh. Apologies if that has been addressed upthread.

PLEASE give yourself a break. My toddler's whinging drives me up the wall and on bad days it is incredibly wearing. I keep having to come up with ways to clam myself down - imaginary blowing out the irritation is good, as is listening to classical radio in the car.

It also kind of helps to know 'the script' of parenting - i.e. I know that I should say 'no' firmly and then distract with a new thing, remove him from the situation and distract if he persists, lather him with praise when he hasn't actually done anything good but has refrained from doing something bad, etc. It doesn't stop him whinging not by a long shot but if I follow the 'script' then I can try to function more or less on automatic rather than giving into the frustration and shouting/crying. It gives me a little time to cool down whilst not having to actually leave the room, which is helpful.

As for chores: I do the washing up, washing and drying of clothes and a bit of light tidying. IMO those are the essentials and anything more fancy (like hoovering!!) gets done at the weekend if at all. Your DH does do a few things but other husbands do just as much and don't make their wives feel like shit for it. He is being a douche.

Massive unmumsnetty hugs from me and PM me if you want to - small age gaps are HARD WORK!

I don't agree MrsKR. I'm not saying that the OP doesn't love her children but I don't think she enjoys it very much.

And it's not passive aggressive to say it's harmful for children to spend their day with someone who is absolutely at the end of their tether and not enjoying being with them - it's true. Something needs to change - the status quo isn't working for any of them. I know how easy it is to get into a downward spiral when you're on your own all day every day with small children and it's incredibly difficult to get out of it.

I am much more concerned about BurntToast than I am about her children but looking after them with gritted teeth while telling herself over and over again that this is 'best' for them is not the answer.

Don't speak for everyone witch. She hasn't got my back up.

It doesn't take a genius to see she's in a bad place, focussed on the negative and feeling under attack so on the defensive.

Op, I have said to you that I refuse to use childcare also (although I don't think they are thickos who work there, far from it). People are not telling you they are whiny from understimulation, they are telling you repeatedly that they are whiny because they are picking up on your unhappiness, your resentment of them and your life, the stress in the family dynamics and the fact that you are physically present but emotionally absent. Some people are then, perfectly logically, arguing that in that case, it'd be better for kids to be in nursery than stuck at home with an angry, sad, distant mother.

The point about the diet coke is right. The additives and caffeine in that stuff are seriously bad for everyone, but for a BFing baby, disastrous. He will be getting all of that crap and making him super hyped up.

People are here for you. We know why you'd rather be angry with us right now, stay with us...

I think the op is in a bad place right now. I feel for her.

Sometimes when things are bad and you feel like you are drowning you lash at the people who are giving you advice...because it all sounds do easy.

And I didn't mean it like that, and neither did anyone else but maybe it seems to the op that everyone is saying "well it is because you are not doing this or that and why don't you do this"
Maybe it feels to someone battling with depression like her problems are being belittled- don't worry, my DH earns less than yours, I sentmy child to nursery etc.

I've read some of your threads OP and if you are still reading, I think it would be helpful to speak to a professional. You sound as if you are struggling and I don't think that everyone suggesting things for you to do will help. When I had PND the last thing I wanted was everyone saying "well it's because you aren't doing x"

It made me feel more of a failure than I already felt.
Why could everyone else cope, be happy, enjoy your children and I couldn't?

I would suggest that you open up to your DH. Be very open and honest with him about how you are feeling.
The financial side, where you are living, the problems you are having with the DCs, just tell him very honestly how you feel.
And with his support, seek some professional help.

You have to open up, no one will judge you or think you are doing anything wrong. It's ok not to feel as if you are coping, but I think for your own well being its important to address this.

I wish you lots of luck x
H

Poor babies.

Burnt toast - not sure you will see this now as you may have run, but can't pm from my phone -

As well as chatting to your HV or popping to your sure start centre I would break the week up into structure and be really anal about it, most children thrive on structure and most adults do too - it can also help with discipline as with your older one you can say 'no its snack time in 5 mins or yes it's tv time now'

Anyway basically I would break everyday up with Tv time, independent play time/mummy computer time, mummy playtime, snack time, nap time, outdoor play etc all the way from wake up to bed, I agree with a pp that 9pm is too late for bed bring that down to 6.45 for baby and then let your older one have a 'big boy' bedtime of 7.15 or similar -

I would write the whole week out and put an activity on each day, your local library will have a rhyme time or story time you can do on one day.

Honestly after a few weeks you will feel more normal, I have a similar age gap and trying to do work while they need me does nt work, but thinking right I've played with them for an hr an hr of cbeebies is fine -

I hope you are ok

Hi

I gave up my career when I had my children. I was a qualified accountant. By the time we had 3rd child our (hubby's) income was £24k. Yes, when earning £52k individually you will pay more tax than 2 people earning £26k each but a lot of people survive on a lot less than your husband takes home and is between 2 of them. So on his take home pay, is more than a lot of double income families take home pay especially when double income families have to then pay childcare.

Since my children are all at school now I have decided not to go back to accounting but instead I have retrained in childcare.

Anyway, do you have a routine with your children? Maybe this will help give you your sanity back. It will probably take a bit of time to impliment it but will be worth it.

7.30am get up, breakfast, dressed
9.00am walk to toddler group/soft play/park etc
11.30am walk home and have lunch (i used to put mine in highchair whilst i prepared lunch and they had some toys to play with which i then had to keep picking up from floor!
1.00pm nap time (can you move cot into your room if you dont want them in same room napping) whilst they are napping you run around like mad woman cleaning/ironing/working/prepping tea
3.00pm get them up from nap and sit on floor with them and colour/build stuff/sing (this you can try leaving them playing nicely for a min, then when they are ok with that, a few mins so you can load washing machine or hang washing out
4.30pm put tea that is already prepped in oven, go back to sitting on floor playing
5.00pm tea
6.00pm bath
6.30pm bed, maybe sing a few nursery rythmes then read a story or 5 (i always ended with the same story so they knew that story meant sleep. did it from the day they were born and same story for them all.
7.00pm kids sleep, you sit down and relax

I think Timewasting's post is really helpful.

I do think it sounds like you're trying so hard to be a perfect everything Burnt. Don't be scared to ask for help, whether it's your husband, family, friends, HV, GP, whoever. I'd be struggling if I had as much to do as you have!

Slight tough love post now.

Nobody is forcing you into using childcare, etc, they are suggesting it as you have a particular problem that lends itself to this as a solution.

My background is that I worked in a nursery for two years, and I also have a degree, a PGCE (i.e. qualified teacher status), a Masters in Education and a PhD in Education, and I actually teach people on early years courses (amongst other things). I have also carried out research and published in the area. Sometimes I offer advice to the Government and other organisations. I also help support early years services in my local area, including helping to run a Children's Centre. So I know an awful lot about children's needs in their early years. Plus I have four children myself, ranging in age from 3 to 25.

I am not in the business of following fashions or having particular hobby horses. I am in the business on analysing all the evidence on childcare and early years education (amongst other things) and coming up with a balanced view. It's what I am paid to do.

As other people have said, one of the worst possible scenarios for a child is to be stuck at home with a depressed parent who does not engage. Perhaps even worse is being stuck at home in a small flat with a depressed parent who does not engage.

There is a well known quotation: "All behaviour is expression". Your children are expressing themselves through their whining. You are unhappy, their mother, so they are unhappy too. You need to address your own frustration and misery in order to sort out their whining and therefore their unhappiness, not turn on us.

Please do listen to the advice you are being given, OP, rather than getting aggressive. We do mean well, and there are some knowledgeable people on here.

Burnt toast do u have any family or friends to talk to u seriously need a break, is there no one close that can help you?

It sounds a bit like you are making excuses but I really think u need to chose a solution quickly because it's your kids who are suffering.