The kids winge and cry

[BurntToastSmell]

I have two very demanding young children. A toddler (2 years) and a baby (9 months). They winge all day long (I really mean: all. day. long). Aside from look after the kids on my own all day (7am till 6pm) I have to keep the house clean, make their food, make sure all the dishes are washed, make sure all the clothes are clean, take them to baby & toddler groups, AND run an online business. I'm at the end of my tether because of the constant winging all day long. My friend has suggested using an ipod and turning the volume up full so I can't hear their winging. Is this reasonable? I don't know how I would get all my chores done otherwise, but I feel terrible. I read that if you leave young children to winge/cry, you can lower their self esteem and make them more anxious (due to elevated levels of cortisol). I really hate leaving them to cry but I don't know what else I can do? I don't want to put them into daycare/nursery until they are 3.

OP, please don't give up your business. It is the one thing that you have for yourself and your own identity.

Regarding finances, I would hesitate to say DH is abusive. Some men like to control finances. Doesn't mean there is something sinister about it. I think OP should do two things -ask DH to show her one months income and outgoings, so she understands what is going on.

OP, I am sorry to say, I would be hesitant to have you control/equally participate in spending, based on this thread. It seems you just buy things willy-nilly for the children, and spite dh grumbling about it, you have not cut back. If you don't respect his wishes on how the money is spent, why should he respect yours?

And it seems you are succumbing to peer pressure about spending, rather than doing what is right for your family, e.g., spending some of that money on a cleaner.

I am sorry if this is being harsh. I do think you are in a very difficult situation. But fighting on all fronts won't help. Just look inside you and see what you can change to make your life easier, instead of trying to change dh.

Oops, I meant the two things is understand where dh spends money, and have a close look at how she herself spend money. And figure out where there are savings to get a dishwasher and/or cleaner etc.

200 is a load to spend on toys groups and clothes.

If that's all it's for.

I wouldn't want my dp to spend any more than that..

Is he trying to save etc?

200 is for all spending on her and the children. And it's not a reasonable proportion of their household income. Her DH is financially controlling at best.

She should have access to the money of course, but as a budget for spending like that, I would be happy with it. My partner is not controlling but if I regularly spent over 200 on toys clothed etc he would think that was a bit excessive.

Where is the rest of the money going op? Because unless there are significant outgoings you should have a pretty large surplus.

"You need to find out where all your money is going"

Bare in mind that £52K is a sole income for a family of four. Because it is a sole income, the tax man screws us. DH maintains that our household income is lower than the average household income for 2 working people. Can anyone refute this?

Irrespective of the number of people working your income is higher than average, quite a lot higher. Add to that living in a small flat your household expenses (mortgage bills etc) will probably be lower than average I really do think your DH is trying to make you think the situation is worse than it is financially.

52k?
You appear to have put a lot of effort into researching childcare/child development.
Consider putting some time towards researching:
Average wage
Household costs
"economics"
Running costs of a dishwasher, tumble drier
Joint bank accounts
Financial abuse
What you would be entitled to as a single parent from tax credits, HB, CSA (who gets the child benefit at present?)

Your whole set up sounds untenable. You have the potential to be a fantastic sahm (looking for ideas to engage, keen to structure their day) and a strong savvy woman (running own business) BUT your DH is actively obstructing that - and you are too, by letting him.

I would-
get a dishwasher (counter top one from Argos could do)
Put the tumble drier on
Get an at-home help for the children, or get a couple of hours with a childminder
Address the imbalance in the relationship with DH kick his ass out the useless fucker
Look at self confidence courses / books /online resources

Sorry, was trying not to let the red mist descend. You seem to care too much what others think- your toddler group mums, your DH's unfounded and unrealistic demands, peoples opinions on this thread. I know you must be feeling defensive but, if you can step back you may start to realise that we have yours (and your children's) best interests at heart.

Finally, I think this is merely a band aid and activities with the babies are the least of your worries, but try this link - www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/development/letsplay/

Good luck.

Well, common sense refutes it! No single income is going to have so much tax on it that it amounts to having over £25K take off it, which is what would have to happen for you to be worse off than a dual-income family on £25K!

You need to not hide the clothes horses from the
Hv and tell her your Dh earns what he does and won't let you use the tumble drier and won't let you have a joint account or access to or knowledge of his finances and see what
She says.

I agree that's not a bad income for the North-East - I don't know how it compares to the average, but your cost of living is probably lower than average given where you live. I would have thought you'd be able to afford some help with the children and/or the house so you can focus more on your work.

"It seems odd that on what is a pretty good wage, even for one earner, you live in a tiny flat in what is a relatively cheap area of the country. If moving is important to you, you need to bring this up and decide if it is a deal breaker for you or not."

It is incredibly important to me. I'm too embarrassed to invite any friends round, as they all live in houses but I do not. I would kill for a garden! I would kill for the children to have their own rooms (especially as they are different sexes). But we have a crap credit record. What can I do?

"why not ebay it if you are not going to use it, btw?"

its a combined washer/drier. DH says it costs about £3.50 to dry a load.

"Why are you letting him do this?"

What alternative do I have? I can't make him do anything. Or should I blackmail him? (If you don't do X, then I will do Y). I don't like that approach. It's childish and he'll just call my bluff. If I ever threatened to leave, he'd just say 'fine'. And then what?

Exactly, Oxford the very fact they are hidden (and the root cause) speaks volumes.

Can I suggest you put your income into a separate account that he doesn't know about and save to move out on your own should things not improve ? If he ever found out about it you could say it was a ssurprise holiday fund.

Burnt, if it were two incomes of £2600 each, your family would get roughly £200 more a month take home pay.

You can calculate various combinations here
www.thesalarycalculator.co.uk/salary.php

Sorry, I meant £26k.

Are you paying off debts?

Look at that Guardian link I posted, it is for after tax income. You are better off than about 65% of households. Probably nearer 90% in South Tyneside. Who gets paid the child benefit?

Unless you are running your tumble dryer on melted gold, it does not cost £3.50 a load. They cost between 17 and 49p per load, depending on energy rating:

www.which.co.uk/home-and-garden/laundry-and-cleaning/guides/tumble-dryer-energy-costs/

What has caused the poor credit rating? Do you have debts? Have you actually checked your credit rating with Experian, or are you just taking your husband's word for it?

Burnttoast - did you say you are on anti-ds for depression?
You do know it's more common for women with unsupportive partners to get PND ?- I'm speaking from personal experience also.
Can you discuss this (not in a confrontational way) with your dh? Let him know that your mental health issues mean you need more support right now. It doesn't matter what other dh's do, you need more support. Perhaps discussing this with your HV or GP may convince you that you actually deserve more support.
I know as well that when depressed, the opinions of others become more important than your own. I used to beat myself up all the time comparing myself with other mums/families (though they probably have had their problems too, I ignored that).
I also spent too much on toys/tat for the children when depressed. I was trying to make up for being a bad mum. I see that now very clearly. Now I have cut all that out feel better for it. My children prefer spending time with me rather than being fobbed off with plastic crap. Spending time on the sofa snuggling while watching a movie is nicer for them and me - and has the benefit of being much cheaper too.
It's great your dh takes the dc out at the weekends, but that doesn't mean he gets to dismiss all your feeling/opinions.

How does your DH feel about paid childcare?

It is incredibly important to me. I'm too embarrassed to invite any friends round, as they all live in houses but I do not

Honestly, I think this is part of the problem, your desire to keep up with the joneses

You are very lucky to own a flat, not be at the whims of a landlord. Your dh might be overpaying the mortgage like mad to get out of the bad mortgage deal you both have. And if you guys have bad credit history and messed up financially in the past, I can see him wanting to be extra careful about finances going forward.

I honestly don't see what the dh bashing going on here is going to achieve. I think you should be fully aware of the financial inflows and outflows of the who family, and then decide on what meets your families actual needs, rather than spending with a desire to impress others.

Talk to your partner, not as a way of trying to get more money out of the budget for spending, but in a supportive way to see how you both can save more and perhaps reassess your priorities regarding the current expense budget.

It's impossible really to know without you seeing the outgoings. I know couples with joint incomes higher than this that are brassic due to loans, cars, credit cards and a high mortgage.

Hope you're feeling a little better this morning Burnt
It's hard in a flat- we were in a basement swamp flat with the boy and girl sharing a room until recently.
Would your DH consider moving? Even to a tiny house rather than a tiny flat? Just for you to have a bit of outside space would make you feel a bit less stir crazy.
I use my dryer each day and am married to a proper tight arse-it is nowhere near £3.50 a cycle. Just use it and dont tell him.
I meant to say yesterday too, don't bother trying to clear up until the afternoon. I used to fanny about mopping and tidying the toys just for them to be slung everywhere, DH would then walk in and look at the living room like it was a crack den I just do a quick whizz round in the late pm now.
If you were nearer I'd make you drop them off here to play and make you cups of tea

Your husband is possibly bullshitting you about how tight your finances are. We are a two income family (I work part time, DS who is 9months will be going to nursery three days a week. Hope it doesn't fuck him up too much ) and our combined income is a bit less than what your DH is earning. We are comfortable; we don't have money to chuck out the window, but we can afford nice things like a spontaneous night out, or new clothes if we fancy them etc. And we manage to have a three bed house, in a middle income area (prob more expensive than the north east) and substantial savings. I'm not saying this as a stealth boast, just pointing out that your income should be more than enough to eithe rlive in a bigger place or have a cleaner or hire some childcare. The fact that you don't have a clue about the finances worries me. DH does 'deal' with the finances in our relationship, but we discuss them (ie, when it's time to renew the insurance, or make a big payment etc) regularly, and I'm completely in the picture about how much money we have and where it is going, and I have access to it (although we do have seperate accounts, which some people are horrified by). With regard to the tumble drier. Use it in secret for a few weeks and see if he even notices.

As far as the whinging; there are loads of brilliant suggestions on this thread for how to entertain your kids (I will be stealing some of them). DS is the same age as your youngest, and it is a hard hard age. But they whinge at this age because they need something. I just try and distract him; start a new activity, swing him round the room, go out for a walk etc, and if the whinging continues, I put him down for a nap because it generally means he is tired. 9pm bedtime is mad, DS would be a hysterical wreck if we kept him up that late. Bath and bed by 7 here, and no napping after about half 3.

If you want to continue your business (and given how controlling your husband is, I would too), then you need to get some help with the kids. There is a reason people don't generally take their kids with them to work.

And lastly, your husband sounds like an arse. He doesn't do 'more than most fathers'. Most husband and father raise their kids and support their wives, because most of them are decent human beings. He's a whiney man child who needs to grow the fuck up.

Random bit missing from that post; meant to say that if there is a reason your income is not going far enough - be it debt or overpaying the morgage etc, then that's fine, but you should at least know what is going on with the finances.