The kids winge and cry

[BurntToastSmell]

I have two very demanding young children. A toddler (2 years) and a baby (9 months). They winge all day long (I really mean: all. day. long). Aside from look after the kids on my own all day (7am till 6pm) I have to keep the house clean, make their food, make sure all the dishes are washed, make sure all the clothes are clean, take them to baby & toddler groups, AND run an online business. I'm at the end of my tether because of the constant winging all day long. My friend has suggested using an ipod and turning the volume up full so I can't hear their winging. Is this reasonable? I don't know how I would get all my chores done otherwise, but I feel terrible. I read that if you leave young children to winge/cry, you can lower their self esteem and make them more anxious (due to elevated levels of cortisol). I really hate leaving them to cry but I don't know what else I can do? I don't want to put them into daycare/nursery until they are 3.

dryer

AndFanjoWasHisNameO thanks for the ideas. Like the idea of chalks on the pavement. I used to do that when I was a kiddie :)

sure start used to do "stay and play". You meet people and the kids get interaction and stimulation. Does this still exist?

I would have gone crazy if I hadn't gone out for large chunks of the day. Do you have friends in similar situations? Coffee mornings gave me a sounding board to offload my frustrations and gave me a break from the kids as the kids played.

Do you let them watch cbeebies? I suspect not, as research says tv isn't great. And you seem to be trying so hard to be the perfect parent and researching everything. Well tv isn't bad in small doses, and it saves your sanity. My kids learnt quite a bit from carefully chosen programmes which stimulated their curiosity.

Don't try to be the perfect parent. Relax, Be a "good enough" parent. Nobody is perfect.

Your children want quality time not material things.

Give up work or use childcare.

What about setting a timer for ten minutes to get chores done in small chunks so that when the buzzer goes off your 2 yr old knows that you will be available again?

Research activities to entertain young kids.

If DH doesn't want the children to go to bed so early, then let him take over responsibility from 7pm completely. Then it's his choice, but you need to switch off in the evening. This isn't a desire. It is necessary to stop you from going under. If you are not depressed now, you will be soon unless you make big changes now.

Relax and DON"T TRY TO BE PERFECT. You will make them anxious if you are constantly striving for this. It is not possible.

If you give up work, less materiel things will not make them unhappy. If you use childcare this will not make them unhappy. Do what will make you the happiest. As flow said. A happy mummy makes happy children.

His salary is £52K but bare in mind, we are practically a single-income family. My income is a pittance and just tops-up DHs. It's too low to even get taxed.

I hear you re: washing, everyone's room looks like its been ransacked-huge piles of clothes to sort, fold, put away but I just can't get it done in the day and am conked out once the kids are so we're living from the piles this week

If their outfits are scrutinised either learn to not give a shit what snooty twats with ass-backward priorities care about or go to different classes and groups or none at all. Is worrying a out that shit helping your kids? They don't care about their outfits so long as they don't restrict their fun/mayhem and you should not be setting them the damaging example of seeing that sort of thing as important, either.

It shines out from your posts that you want to do the absolute best for them, but it also sounds like you are approaching this from a very intellectual approach. Your heart is saying be a Hugger, but your mind is stopping you. You talk about various books and studies, which is all very well - I am academic and read lots of books amd research on childrearing too - but there comes a time when you forget all that stuff and just go with what FEELS right for your children and you. Stop being hung up on how others see you and judge you. You will always be lacking in the eyes of silly people like that, because their behaviour reflects the lack they feel within themselves, which can't be healed by transferring their ishoos onto others. Your Dh is also making this worse, by constantly telling you how other people do what you do (they really don't, or not without massive suffering and detriment to either the kids and/or themselves) and cope fine. I think you need to take a deep breath and step off the hamster wheel of Keeping Up With The Joneses. You sound like you override your natural reactions because you worry about what certain books and studies say or what your Dh will say or what other mums will say and so on and so forth. £50 is a very high amount weekly, and I think you would all be happier if you rolled about in the mud together in some Tesco trackie bottoms or rompersuit, rather than throw money at what you see as a problem. Kids need attention and stimulation, but they need it most from their mum. I think all these classes are yet another way of overriding your own instincts. I think you could do with examining where that comes from within you. Calm down with seeing the kids and their needs as problems to be fixed and constantly given to (that includes classes as well as material goods) and give yourself to them instead.

If you like reading about theories, etc., look up the theory of the Good Enough Mother. And give yourself a break. As I said before, kids need a happy, present mother, not toys and outfits and whatever.

Mainly - earlier you said that you and your DH bicker about chores. Can you give some examples of the bickering? Does he get pissed and thinks he does too much? Does he compare you to other women? Compare himself to other men?

Oh FGS what is the point of having a dryer if you can't use it? You are in a tiny flat (from your other thread) and having a load of wet laundry hanging all over the shop can't help matters.

Is money really, really tight? The £50/week you're getting isn't much more than CB so effectively he is only paying a tenner towards all the time you're at home, looking after his children. :(

I think it's s sign of your rock-bottom self-esteem and exhaustion that you care what people think about your kids clothes at the toddler group. I only care that my kids don't snatch and hit, and that they're enjoying themselves at toddler group. As long as the kids and their clothes are clean, it really doesn't matter of they're not in coordinating colours or whatever. Anyone who is shallow enough to judge on that basis is a sad and pointless human being in my opinion!

My advice would be to quit your business, spend more time dancing around like an idiot with your kids, building a tunnel out of cushions, collecting pretty pebbles and painting them pink etc, buy a baby sling to keep the little one quiet while you do essential housework (the basics), and sit smugly at the toddler group knowing that although your kids may not be straight out of the Boden catalogue, they are happy and stimulated.

£52K??? FFS he really is being an utter twat then. I'm really sorry - you sound like you're at the end of your tether and he's being massively unsupportive.

You shouldn't need to earn money - you're raising the children that you both made

PS £52K! We live on half that and my Ds doesn't go without fun or want for anything. Bloody hell, it might be virtually single income, but it's a cracking one. You need to tackle DH on that money being for all of you. He couldn't earn it
if you weren't looking after his children and the house all day, after all.

Try some different groups if they scrutinise kids clothing. They are not people I would want to be friends with. Are you sure you're not imagining this - with your - I must be perfect head on

If he earns 52K and won't let you use the drier because of the expense then he is a bell end.

So he earns 52K, deals with all the bills, lets you have £200 a month and you have no idea where the rest of the money is spent?

" You are in a tiny flat (from your other thread) and having a load of wet laundry hanging all over the shop can't help matters."

It's depressing really. I've hidden the two clothes horses in the bathroom, so the HV can't see them when she comes at 9am.

Do you have no other access to money - apart from the 50 quid/week?
I see your (d)h gets the shopping done and pays the bills - is he controlling all the money then? btw - I'm a sahm (not wahm like you) to 3 and my dh does LOADS more than yours, so his argument is pants really.

Your husband is taking home around £4,500 a month. Your flat can't possibly cost more than just over £1000 if it's tiny and that's being generous. So that gives an awful lot to play with. You can afford:

• a dishwasher
• a tumble dryer that you turn on
• a cleaner

All of these would make your life a much happier place to be than it is currently.

DowagersHump - I'm not clued up on ecomomics, but DH tells me that £52K as a single income family, is bellow the national average that a duel-income family would earn. So we have less than most other people.

No, he doesn't compare me to other women or himself to other men. That's a bit of a twatty thing to do IMO. It just tends to be stuff like, 'did you put the rubbish out?', 'no', 'blah blah blah, not my turn', one of us puts rubbish out. I think it's because we share jobs, so it's not always clear who should have done what. We do not fight till I cry and he ignores me. Your DH is being unkind.

On £52k your DH is taking home, what, £2800 a month? Unless you have a ridiculous mortgage, you can afford to use the tumble dryer and should have more than £200 a month for you and the kids. He does not sound reasonable about money.

He's talking bollocks then.

"Are you sure you're not imagining this - with your - I must be perfect head on"

I wish I was imagining it. One woman said to me at a group last week, "Don't you hate it when some people dress their kids in rubbish"

Ypu cant be online running a business with two small dc.
Get child are so you can do it then

You should know what the bills are. And passwords etc to manage them nline. Anything happens to h eg illness or accident and where would you be?

So he gives you 200 a month.
And thatsit ? Who pays for the shopping? Don't you have some kind of jont household account ?

"So he earns 52K, deals with all the bills, lets you have £200 a month and you have no idea where the rest of the money is spent?"

groceries (I'm a picky eater), mortgage (it's a tiny flat but we have a crap mortgage deal).

That Oliver James should be having sleepless nights thinking about the misery he's put so many mothers through with his inane ramblings. Is he even qualified to comment on how people raise their children? Has he ever been a full-time caregiver for an under-3 himself?

Don't live your life by someone else's rules. Do what works for you and your family. You have a very small age gap, anyone would struggle with a 2 year old and 9 month old and it doesn't sound like you're getting any family help either.

Most people I know who have 2 under 3 either get family help or use childcare for some time for the older child. It's just normal. Daycare is only an issue if it's full-time and even then that's debatable. Occasional daycare is fine, especially if it helps you to cope.

I wouldn't want friends like that then. Spread your net wider. If you are confident in yourself you don't need the designer stuff to validate yourself.