Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

do it when you're ready maggie, and sounds like you are gonna get there. Take one thing at a time. Have you tried WA? There's also a Childrens Legal Advice line, and a 'family advice line' which is legal rights for women. Gingerbread have a good advice line too and can help with what benefitsyou would be entitled to. Well done to keep 'detaching' and staying away, just let him fly around you like an angry wasp (you're just as likely to get any sense from it as him!).

hilde hang on in there, but just get your tooth sorted, his permission is not required just go to the emergency hospital dentist! You can't cope with everything including being in lots of pain, go and get it looked at and then face the rest? DS2 and you need to get out and have a good time together and make the most of the break. Can you link up with any others over the w/end? or just spend some good times together, don't know ages so bit difficult to be specific but you'll know better what he'd enjoy (and you too!) ;) take care.

trying was great to hear you say that you were so excited, lovely feeling to have in the midst of everything right now. Just imagine how it will be when you do 'fly' ;)

Still not caught up from 2 nights of only 3 hrs per night sleep last week, and so exhausted treading crazy line of whether to allow contact to continue atall. DC dad not prepared to help dc atall after his terrible temper /blame on dc. Now school problems and friends issues for dc too, a sign of not coping. :( worried for dc. been up since 5, going back to bed. A good day to all

glad tooth feeling better. I had raging toothache all along top and bottom of one side of mouth during sleep starvation a couple of weeks ago, and but after catching up it did go away on its own, like yours, but I am still gonna get it checked out as background infection in teetch/jaw can cause serious heart problems, and remains undetected til heart damage already causing other problems. better to just get checked to be sure you're alright. I'll get in as soon as I get chance.

fool and trying, I was almost afraid you'd say that, and you're right, I probably shouldn't keep going to this counsellor now I'm feeling that she and him have ganged up on me. I will persevere though simply because if I stop going he will use that as 'proof' that I want our marriage to fail. Spaghetti head again.

I'm actually a bit disgruntled that I seem to have turned into a textbook Lundy case.

Have a good day all

Hi, can I join you all please? Feel like I need a bit of support now. I'm in an EA marriage which I think (hope, pray) may be finally coming to an end soon, though the thout of it is so scary. I feel like I've reached the point of no return after the weekend from hell but am also aware I've reached this point numerous times before. I'm institutionalised though, have been with him for 15 years. I took the day off work yesterday as was too upset to go in, and spent the day reading all the EA/DV websites (again) - tried phoning WA but couldn't get through. I then found a mumsnet thread of mine from 3 years ago stating the same abuse, with the resounding MN advice to 'get out' and yet I stayed, still living under the promise of 'if this or that or YOU could just change for the better, then everything will be great' the only problem with that though i am finally realising, is that it's really not me that needs to change and NSDH never will.

Have a good day everyone, hope to chat to you all later :)

very wlecome fraggle yep I think many here been through far too many years of it, and come close many many times to leaving. Keep trying WA leave a message for a call back, don't know if its possible to call different areas if one is more overloaded than another and could helpyou quicker?

It is a lot easier to say 'get out' than it is to do as we all know - do you have children that are suffering it too?

speak to as many as you can to find out what your options are is all I would recommend. If you know what practical steps to take and what help is available emotionally and financially, and know your legal position you can then make decisions around that. I posted lots of contact points within the last hour, and then said i was off to bed as had enough already... but I'm still up having other urgent mattters to sort, but think I will go now!

take care and keep posting to let us know how you're doing.

Love it! :o

nini - I do understand your logic with the counselling. But it's highly probable, isn't it, that whatever you do he will find some reason it was your fault the marriage failed - he could claim you weren't open enough in the sessions or you never did give enough cuddles .

It would be so much easier if they would say straight out, "Oh yeah, actually I'm abusive and I'm going to stay that way cos I'm lazy, entitled and selfish." Much less of a headfuck!

I'm getting geared up for a battle with my counsellor on Thursday about EA and how much she knows about it and what her attitudes towards it are; from what she's said, I wonder if she thinks both partners need to change in all situations. When your own counsellor minimises your concerns, you really start to question what's going on, but I am reading Lundy as often as I can and each time I do I'm clearer that things are really not right. So tomorrow may be my last session!

Er, by tomorrow I mean Thursday clearly. :o

Love the poem hilde

Agree, Charlotte, no idea what I'm holding on to as it will all be my fault. Im such a bad person, witholding my cuddles! . Still feeling a bit upset by the counsellor yesterday tbh.

You got me thinking, how would our NSDH describe themselves if they had to be honest - mine would definitely be "I have short man syndrome, I hate women particularly my mother, all women should do as they're told and be grateful that I go to work every day, I should never be questioned and given lots and lots of cuddles!"

I've had to actually stop reading Lundy, I'm finding it too upsetting as NSDH hits so many of the categories. I know it's not meant to be easy reading butI get a sense of dread even looking at the cover now.

'I do nothing that inconveniences me. I am a Shiftless Shirker. I married her therefore I am entitled to all her money, including Employment and Support Allowance. I am also, because married, entitled to sex' (he actually more or less said the last, it didn't make me feel I must do my duty!)

What he's been putting about: 'I gave up a successful business to look after the kids as she was too ill to do so. The plan was for her to work. She found a job but left with depression. Of course I couldn't work cos of the kids, so I have lived off her money (he doesn't say the last bit!) including her p/t job. Poor poor noble me over the last 20 years, I gardened, did DIY, sorted things (he carefully omits cleaning) and generally kept things together'. This is a combination of things I've heard from other people, and what he submitted in writing to a judge during our settlement!

It sounds as if he spent my money - well only by not doing anything to earn any! He would hardly ever go out, no holidays, he had to be forced to buy clothes, I would have been happier if he'd done something frivolous and spent some of it...

And, to be fair, he did earn some money - he did training work some weekends - leaving me to look after the kids...

how about, if you're not giving 'it' then your look out if I go elsewhere and what you don't know doesn't hurt you!!!!

More of these! Very therapeutic!

What my NSDH would have others believe of him - "I'm a honest, hardworking man who works solely for the benefit of my family not a workaholic who is out only for money and kudos. I am vastly intelligent, everyone values my opinion, but I'm also sensitive, caring, a male feminist and I'm dynamite in bed with a massive schlong".

Nini, I agree with Charlotte, I think this will be your fault regardless. It's not about, and will never be about, whether you did or didn't put enough effort into the marriage. It's about him. You going to the counselling sessions or not makes not a jot of difference to that. So I say do whatever makes you feel most comfortable, regards continuing to go or stopping. Put yourself first.

I'm just on to rant a bit. [rant claxon]

NSDH texted about meeting up to talk today. Asked how my coffee with friend went. (A boring point, but relevant!) I said it's been rescheduled to Thursday, said didn't want to have just lunch (no real desire for smalltalk with him), but we needed to sort finances so let's meet. He said he'd come to the flat. And which friend was it? I said, no, rather meet you at the restaurant (and ignored request for friend disclosure). He phoned to say he was already at the flat, in carpark. Could he come up? And why wouldn't I tell him what friend it was?

I got annoyed at this point. I said it didn't matter who the friend was, I didn't have to tell him. He accused me of being secretive, and then said, provocatively: So, what's his name?' I told him he was paranoid, yadda, yadda. Ended up putting phone down. (there's no real modern-day equivalent of that, is there? Really, I pressed the 'end call' button in an irate way. ])

I wouldn't answer when he phoned again, but then he texted saying I was being silly, he was just being a bit paranoid because of the situation, to come let him in. I said No, didn't want to talk to him now. And he wasn't paranoid because of the situation, he's always been like this. I watched him drive off. He's now in a major huff with me, telling him I'm not being fair because I'm not letting him have DS2 until the afternoon on Thursday. But I've already made plans, with my mystery friend, and he didn't announce he wanted DS2 on Thursday until after all this happened. Plus he doesn't actually have anywhere for DS2 to sleep at the moment, as he's had to temporarily give the travel cot back. But it's me being unfair. Obviously. So much for being soooooo sorry for being nasty and abusive. That lasted about as long as could be expected.

In other news, had my oldest friend over for cuppa last night, had interesting and insightful chat about parents/mums/family. I've always held my mum up to be one that everyone thinks is amazing, lovely, just the mumsiest mum ever. My friend, who has been my friend since I was 12, been to mine for countless meals, sleepovers, been on holiday with my family, etc, etc, etc - she said my mum's very nice, but there's no warmth there. She said there's always a distance, and it's always obvious that she's awkward about touch (a hug for a greeting, etc). I was stunned that someone else could see it too. (But she said the same about me and her mum, that I've had insights that she's been amazed about.)

'schlong' !!!!!!

" not a workaholic who is out only for money and kudos ' hilarious nini

yes, definitely more of these. Some very welcome light relief!

Well done today pony can't believe I've only just sarted being able to do that, a form of protection. Absolutely ditto with the maternal 'coldness' lack of emo,et c. hmmmm. Something we've been in long long training for then. Saying it won't be enough to convince anyway, you went passed that point way ago.

What my NSDH would have others believe of him -

I am a quiet, shy man. I am all about my children. I'll do anything for them as long as they're behaving in the way I tell them to - whether it's bake them a cake, whip up some impromptu pancakes, help them with their homework so they are challenged properly. I am kind, thoughtful and sensitive. I have a very important job which makes me a very important person, and entitles me to belittle my wife because she doesn't earn very much or do anything important, probably watches Jeremy Kyle all day. I love my wife and family very much, their happiness is all that's important to me. Sometimes, I get a little passionate about some things. But it's just because I care.

Actually, Nini, yours could equally apply to my NSDH (minus the scored out bit about workaholic for money and kudos). I'm going to pretend I said that instead!

Could also add:
I know that all men are just out for one thing because that's what I used to be like so if I suspect all men of eyeing up my wife, that's why.

OMGoddess!

I am a quiet, shy man. I am all about my children. I'll do anything for them as long as they're behaving in the way I tell them to

What a coincidence again freaking me out

Anyone heard this one 'you'll never find anyone better than me' I'm SOOO self-deluded

and definitely a version of that one nini - I know what men are like don't trust them cos I'm like that you can't trust me either

oops .. that was to pony

"I am a really misunderstood man. i am sensitive,caring,about myself and always underestimated. No one realises just how much I don't do and would always do for my family. I am an artiste and passionate but no-one realises my true worth. Even my wife fails to support my ego amazing talent by refusing to go to a totally impractical and demanding out of hoursjob that I think would support me us so well."