Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi all. I am a regular,but have name changed & never talked about my marriage. I am almost 40 with one nearly adult dc. I have hidden my 2 decades of awful e.a . I left him for six months two years ago because I couldn't take anymore. Like a fool I let him back.he said he'd change-of course that was a lie. The recent j.l.c court case has really been a lightbulb moment for me. I have started to stop questioning myself. I am a good person ! I am a loyal wife,good mum & daughter & I work hard in & out of the home. I have walked on eggshells for years,been humilated hundreds of times & have carried guilt forever at not being husbands 'perfect' wife. It is wonderful to have this thread. Not sure what my future plan is yet,but I am not gonna believe him anymore when he says it's my fault he gets angry or my fault he behaves badly. I deserve more than this sort of life. Thanks for listening. Love to you all.

Keep posting here gottanamechange - room for all. You have made an important step. Love and strength to you.

good to whine (wine ;) Hild hope it helped

Hi gotta are you still together then after taking him back? I don't know what court jlc is, and if that means you are not together. but such great self-affirming words to hear on here. We are what we are, warts an' all ;) we're not necessarily 'good'. We get tired and grumpy and don't always want to do the things other ask, etc... but mostly try our best, or go our own way, but falling short of supermum an all that is absolutely fine for the rest of the world and so it should be for us - she says [STILL trying to convince herself!!]

Hi Gotta and so sorry to hear about the hell you've been going through. In a way the JLC case has been a lightbulb moment for many and I hope the poor gf perhaps feels some sense of thankfulness that something good has come out of her sufferings (which should never have happened in the first place, obvs) I felt so validated seeing that the treatment we endure is actually an offence in the courts and taken seriously. It felt such a relief to read that. Gotta I hope you keep posting and thus gain strength from this thread as so many do.

Ana so glad you are having some time to yourself to recuperate.

Hilde I am glad you still feel on the right path despite the temporary downer - I am sure that is part of the journey and really hope that it will pass soon. Bless re toothache and cold wine - some warm red perhaps? Is it time for mulled - the cloves are good for toothache - perfect excuse, eh

Re flat - wasn't right - was nice but was within someone else's property and kids and pets not welcome. But it's another step forward, and dm is coming down soon and will support me through this.

Apologies for being AWOL. The weekend was ok, he was actually making an effort which surprised me. Long may it continue. Counselling today however, was very different.

We talked about how well the week had gone etc. We discussed how both of us need to think before we say things to avoid arguments escalating. Then we talked about his emotional needs as apparently () we hadn't touched on this yet. Then for some reason he started talking about how because of my 'monthly cycle' he feels he needs to tiptoe around me at certain times of the month.

To be honest this made me very uncomfortable, I don't think it's really relevant and something as personal as that shouldn't really be discussed, should it? I said that my 'cycles' aren't regular (not that it's his business or the counsellor's business) so he can't predict (although he thinks he can). I told the counsellor that usually what happens is that he uses my 'cycles' to excuse me getting upset by HIS bad behaviour. Guaranteed, every time I have a period he will say to me "Are you on?", then when I say yes, he'll say "Oh, well that explains why you were grumpy at me at such and such a time". I said that I found his discussing my body to be very patronising and insulting.

Anyway, conversation eventually moved on and he's talking about how all we need is to 'communicate', same blah de blah. He then tells me that I'm defensive all the time. Suddenly, counsellor chips in with "Yes, I've noticed that compared to NSDH, you are very defensive and not very open." It's the first time she's passed any judgement on either of us in a session and I was a bit shocked. I ended up stammering something about not being a very open person (which isn't really true). We left the session with him looking pleased as punch and me feeling very confused. Am I just being defensive? Am I not open? Is that why people don't seem to like me?

This is a long post so I'll stop now. Let's just say today's session has made me confused and unsure.

Am I just being defensive? Am I not open? Is that why people don't seem to like me? I don't know nini BUT if it were me in the room with a counsellor and a NSDH with problems of Emotional abuse i would not be very open i would be very defensive and i would be (was) less easy to like.

In a counselling situation you have to trust that the counsellor will understand and not judge and that the other person will not use what you say against you. You can't trust him not to and your counsellor has just judged you (although she may say that this is an observation, not a judgement).

At the moment you feel that they have ganged up against you, how can you further expose yourself if you feel like that??

I know you feel you have to do this but there are good reasons for NOT exposing yourself to it.

Maggie hope you are ok.

Hi guys don't have long he's back any min.
No sleep last night at all then today he won't take baby so I can do some yoga, he wants to do it. I called him a selfish bstrd so he threw something in general direction and swore. I burst into tears and took baby upstairs to feed him. He just hasn't not been sleeping. I am soooo tired.
Then he says he is leaving, that he makes me miserable. But I just lost it. I begged him to stay, I cried. A lot.
If its so bad why can't I let him go?
Will read other posts later and respond and thanku for those who've responded to me just he's back any min and don't want him reading this.
X

nini am somewhat shocked by your counsellor. Doesn't sound very professional, what she said, tbh. She clearly has no knowledge of ea manipulation and is maybe naive.

Ginga support and strength to you xxx

the perfect pad will come along soon trying so you can fly :) a shame you had to go see it before that vital information came to light for you! better luck next time.

a good night to all.

Unfortunately it is not unusual for counsellor to be inexperienced with Domestic abuse, especially as the perpetrator is usually apparently more healthy in the relationship than their partner.

Ginga If its so bad why can't I let him go? because you are exhausted, because he has made you believe that being on your own would be impossible because you feel isolated and scared. But I have confidence hat you will find a way at the right pace and time for you.

Thanks shriek, yeah I was so excited it as it seemed ideal, but better luck next time, eh! I'm browsing zoopla as we speak

Ah hilde hugs......

I'm joining you with the tears hilde I want to say, 'oh please don't cry', but I am and you do need to let it out too and not be strong all the time.

At wits end to know what to do with damage limitation.

I hope you can rest with the painkillers; we all have to hang on to 'it WILL get easier'

good night and hugs to all

I don't think that is too bad at all hilde - except for the very last sentence, which imho you should have omitted.

I hope I don't sound patronising, I am not brilliant with written communications except for letters and emails which I craft over 3 days!

Hi everyone, another night of insomnia for me hope you're all ok and welcome to any newbies (sorry my eyes can't focus to read all recent posts at the mo) will try and give more support properly tomorrow x

Have been a funny old 24hrs, sunday night consisted of him ordering us a takeaway and pretending nothing had happened. Then this morn (mon) he went and got kids up and let me have a lie in without badgering me every 10mins to get up and see to my kids which is what usually happens. The good nature didn't last for long though as by tea time he was throwing nasty sarky remarks trying to start a row. The one time I rose to it I got a tea towel thrown into my face (quite hard) so I soon remembered the detach rules and didn't rise to it again. He later took himself off to bed without even saying goodnight. I have stayed on the sofa again.

Have also been looking at places to rent tonight, just worried how I will manage. Will only get a few thousand pounds I think if he buys me out and am already in over 6k worth of debt because of him. I have always worked and this is the first period of my life i hadn't had a job and it was him that made that happen too. Anyhow I want to get a job but feel I need to make the move/spilt from him first so I will need to claim benefits. I've never done that before though so have no clue how it works etc. If anyone has any insight/advice/experience on what a single mum would be entitled to that would be great. I'm not sure I would get housing benefit as I would be the one leaving the family home? I don't know if I'm strong enough but I want to do this early new year. My daughters primary school applications have to be in by mid-jan so I really need to start making decisions. Scary

Chat more tomorrow everyone (or should I say today!) Take care x