Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Maggie, he might surprise you - if he can blame you for 'taking his DC away' and 'breaking his heart' yadda yadda, he might be able to feel ok with not seeing them much but blaming you! (because then he can see his friends al the time without needing to go home and 'check in on the little woman' or whatever he says) But you're much better off expecting him to be as nasty as.

Keep stashing, just think, your money will soon be your own and no need to feel guilty about getting your hair done. He obviously has no such guilt about spending money.

maggie; you sound very organised and your change sounds very positive,
no , FW doesnt have a medical statement / diagnosis, & he would never admit it as thats part of the condition! ironic huh !
in his mind; he is perfect and i/ everyone else is at fault.there is no where to go with that is there? so thats why i had to get out.

also part of condition is externalising / projecting onto others/ me parts of yourself you hate so i had 4 years of belittling critscism, at its worst when i had moved to this remote village away from freinds family, and support, resources of any kind, was tired hormonal, post natally depressed and then had him telling me how awful i was.that was really crap.what an effing arsehole.

anyway, im slowly disconnecting, very rarely resopnding to daily texts. emails.calls, now about to block phone calls, and slowly cut him off, next solicitors and from there, thank god he can deal with them not me. being away has been good , back briefly to collect more clothes, etc, he has been threatening to write to neighbours/ landlord about me, looks for your weak point -bit like a tiger prowling around prey until one of them flags and then he pounces. cold hard aggressive and basicllay a bully trying to get his needs met.

Pony I very much am expecting my house to be turned into party central when we leave. That's the main reason I've not gone yet as want to make sure I get all my valuables out of here before all hell breaks loose. How rubbish

yummymommy my FW sounds just like yours. I moved to his hometown 5 years ago a confident, outgoing person, now after years of his abuse I'm a hermit that's not capable of communicating in person well done on disconnecting, that's amazing. Not a surprise that he's still trying to get at you.

My FW has really outdone himself tonight. DD (age 3) has been up violently puking on and off for last few hours-she was crying for her daddy as well as me. He normally finishes work at 10pm but as usual no where to be seen. After all my calls/texts (she was really upset/distressed he wasn't there) he finally answered me-an hour later- by text saying sorry he was in pub will be home asap. Well the pub is 10mins from our home and he sent that text just over an hour ago. I've got DD still asking me where he is etc etc and I'm covered in puke myself (managed to clean DD up but can't leave her alone to go wash my own hair). I'm just so fed up of this crap and his constant lies, not just to me but to DD too this is just the final nail in the coffin. Feel so disgusted with him that he can put his friends before DD, imagine I had to rush her to hospital, I'd have to wake DS to come too as alone with kids as usual. Hate him

So its about 5.30am, I've not had an ounce of sleep. Managed to get DD to sleep on and off but she keeps waking being sick bless her

Received a text from FW around 2.15am saying he was at xxx's house down the road and to "stop bugging him" WOW. Didn't know telling him his DD sobbing her little heart out looking for her daddy whilst she was puking violently was "bugging him" and why send me that text hours earlier saying he will "be home asap he promises". Its all such bullshit. He has just walked in the door and doesn't seem to even think he's done anything wrong and just gone to to bed. Makes me so and that my DD has had to go through what has happened tonight as well as being poorly. At one point she asked me if FW liked his friends more than her and DS. Of course I told her no but this is the third time he's done this sort of thing to her so it would appear the answer is yes

Maggie your poor DD hope she is feeling better this morning, she will get over the sickness bug but her FW dad is not going to be as easy to sort. Agree with what Hilde says. We are all conditioned to put up with a lot for ourselves but when the FWittery is directed at the DC it is harder to bear and also clearer to see, when directed at defenceless kids there is no Excuse. Thanks for your support, in a lesser way my H has also shown a similar contempt for the DC.

Hi guys,

Just a quickie as he's here! Will respond to peeps posts later if that's ok.
Just to say whoever said that his true colours would out again how right you are.
It's going to take a lot more than me being nice to change him.
I've been very unwell, put back out so simply can't manage on my own. Could be a disc or facet joints.
But ov the last couple of days he's been the same. I was so looking forward to taking baby to cinema only on once a month but he was so busy showing off his knowledge of anatomy etc to osteopath at my appointment that we were so late we couldn't go.
Then spent entire day with hismother yesterday but can I get him to visit mine? No way not unless there is something to be gained like babysitting.
Now he wants movie tonight and will sulk if he doesn't get it.
And when I wanted to go to friends and worried about time knowing what hes like I get the third degree, nasty snarling comments. I feel like iveben attacked. Then he's mad at me for being hurt and when I ask him not to talk to me like this in front of the kids.
I feel so defeated and depressed. Now have to go act normal at trust house for the day when all I want is for him to leave or have a personality transplant.

Thanks so much Hilde and Oscar it has been the third time something like this has happened with her. Last night was just the final straw and has made me more determined than ever to break away. He went off to woirk this morn (late) like nothing was wrong. I then got a text from him saying he was a knob, sorry etc etc. Too late though, the damage has been done to DD this morning she asked me if me her and DS can go to a new house now. He's defo got to her little head. B**tard.

Ginga stay strong and keep detaching. Hope your back gets better soon too ((hugs))

oh no Ginga More than anything it sounds like you need some time out. do not engage with him (how hard can that be, I know!) BUT, it is ok to simply state 'I made an arrangement with a friend this evening need to get away from you I'm ill and have to have a break'. If you wait for a response, even in situatons where people don't expect to give one, they will (just because you put the space there for them to give one). Don't stay for the third degree. State and go (as fast as you can with poorly back ) The pressure/stress on your back will exacerbate it, as you need good strong muscle support /circulation to help support your bad back. Don't ask, ignore, and tell the kids to ignore when people speak rudely, or out of anger. All the comments made about dc's reactions on here have been so encouraging to me, that they are such clever little people and very able to work out FWittery for themselves, even speaking back!( Hilde ).

Maggie you are amazing lady, you have poured o much support into those in needs here and always notice/respond.

You raise the point about your dc feeling others are more important that them. Its at that point that I wonder whether they are better off with any father, as this is exactly the point used to say that children should have contract with fathers rather than absent fathers - which is supposed to make the child feel rejected, unloved, unwanted,e tc. but if they are doing it anyway when present!?!?! hmmm.

A very encouraging statement I read recently about caring for children's emo well-being was that they really need ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD TO MAKE THEM FEEL PRECIOUS/RESPECTED/IMPORTANT/LOVED, then they have seen and felt it all and can put all others into those categories or outside of them. I have helped in families where the children have been neglected, and realise that one person (I/helper) giving them choices they never had before or showing them care they had never felt before, opened their eyes to it, and they will never be closed again. Every instance of that care love empowers them to expect and seek for more. So know that what you do is of the utmost empowering enriching and fulfilling properties given in THE or one of the most important relationship in their lives. We do have vast powers for good for our children as their mothers, and we are using them at every opportunity.

I quoted recently on another (more worky) forum - enriched are the lives that travel the joys and the pains of humanity together [parent/child]. (and it is important to work through the pains of life together too, using all as opportunities to learn about managing their lives, avoiding the pitfalls, and growing as a result. Fill them full of your love, and they will be full .

About the isolation thing yummy & Maggie (I think) mentioned, I had the same. My friends were his friends, his friends were his own. My social engagements belonged to him too, his were not extended to me. I could not go out with my girlfriends without him making it obvious to them that he expected to be included in the plans (which makes it bloody awkward for anyone to say 'Well we wanted to have some girl time' just piss off! ) Whereas [in front of others] it was made clear that I was not part of the planned outtings. Just nasty, and certainly not love. Sadly I was too afraid to say anything. Now my eyes are open, and I will not shut them again, i will see it for what it is, and its NOT LOVE!

Sorry to have not remembered all comments to respond to. Many are to all as a given, and alwasy hopes for all to stay safe and in peace.

Just about to read a book bought by a gorgeous friend, "having peace, in times of war" anyone read it; will let you know. I imagine it is bound to be full of gems of wisdom for us in our situations. take care all and many warm hugs xxx

OMGODDESS MN nearly ate this huge post!!! ha ha! I got it back I wouldn't have posted it again!

Sending hugs out to Ginga and Maggie. You're getting there, stay strong. Thinking of you both (and everyone else too) and sending strength through the ether.

ah thats lovely 'fill them full of your love and they will be full' shriek..thats soooo reassuring.maggie you MUST use that anger , as fuel . this is what happened to me recently, and it was gng to happen anyway at some time,as once i started putting boundaries in , all hell broke loose ( heaven forbid that i should NOT want him in MY home , which he still sees as his, despite having his own flat??? or want a new relatioship, despite him being on dating sites, since and before i met him..and all thru our rel.) ...one rule for me another for him

ps also as i worry about removing dd from dad like u all, but he is actually mentally ill and i can only really see it now..what the F was i thinking...hormones and chemistry and desperation of crisis of reaching 40 and childless ?

pps have also ordered book the beverly engels one listed above 'emotional abusive rels ' etc from amazon

the book is called Practicing PEACE In Times of War. It was recommended for my particular 'war zone', so will let you know whether it might be useful for others.

Hi all,

Shriek lovely post, your words are very encouraging and supportive in this horrible situation we all find ourselves in... constantly questioning myself about what I am doing but when written down in black and white - ie another verbal abuse of dc, this time ds, really awful day, plus dm's persepctive on situ, now that I'm telling her everything, makes me realise the horror of it freshly IYSWIM. Trying so hard to keep courage for move, can't believe what I'm going. I keep having this stupid mental image of my big Leaving Note stuck to kitchen table with the bread knife quivering in it!!! Very melodramatic, ha ha! Yet when I read about others' plights, I keep mentally urging them, "go, go go" - and I know that is what others would say to me. Am I rambling (yes!)... Am I doing the right thing.....????

Maggie that's so sad and awful, what you describe re your dd's sickness. Your OH has correctly described himself (knob) IMO. I hope your precious girl feels much better now, and I hope you and dcs get to peaceful escape very soon.

Hugs to all xxx

Hi honeys,

Thank you shriek and maggie for kind words.
Maggie you are doing s well. Is dh an alcoholic? If so you really need t get out as he won't change until he wants to. It's just all your posts refer to him in the pub and his Jekyll and Hyde behaviour sounds classic alcoholism. What a desperate night you had.
I went to see friend but took ds2 as we did not get home in time for me to feed him before we went out. I knew we wouldn't but dh would have accused me of spoiling day out if I'd made s be on time.
Back still bad and so tired can barely function. But took ds1 to bonfire night.
Really scared now have bad back and chest infection. Just want to be well enough to look after kids. Certainly no energy left for fwittery!

Ginga rest and take care if you can. Make sure you see doc. Stress destroys our immune system. Hope you feel much better soon.

Ginga, hope your back is feeling better (not to mention a chest infection too, that's just rubbish). Definitely go to the doc, you know you wont get any sympathy or help from FW.

trying, what did you decide to do about the flat?

dilemma; FW wont cooperate if law involved for contact with DD; ie solicitor / courts etc, but i cant go backwards. he says he 'just' wants to see DD , trouble is i have nothing legal in place and dont trust him as if he goes 'nuts' he isnt rational. he def has mental health issues and is on/ off an alcoholic. i do def need apply residency order cos police warned me i have no rights at mo as he is on birth cert he cud just walk off with her. ( LUCKILY she is still bf and also very dependant ) ..seeing solicitor tue for free legal advice. if he doesnt cooperate do i automatically get fulll residency? im worried the legal intervention will set off his 'nutty side as he just feels controlled ..shall just have to bite the bullet and do it i think.?

sori meant to say ; hope evyone is ok today ... stress is very wearing isnt it ? still bonfire nite tomorro.

Had the afternoon from hell with FW. We had to go visit his family at his Grandmas house, loads were going to be there (including visiting FIL who goes home tomorrow) so we had to go. Right before we went as we were taking "so long to get ready" whilst he lay on the sofa watching me he got on his high horse then started trying to help packing DS bag, he couldn't find the talc....so.... it started....house a sh1thole speech, throwing stuff around the kitchen, dragging chairs from under table, having a punch up with dishwasher, eventually started on me, pulled my hair, he then stopped with the physical stuff but carried on calling me names etc. All this in front of DS and DD. DS was ok but DD was crying like I was. He then told DD to come on just him and her and DS were going, DD was clinging to me saying please come too mummy please. There was no way I was letting him take the kids alone so I sorted me and DD out and we got in the car and went - like the coward I am. I don;t know what they all thought when there but they must have known something was up as I had puffy eyes and didn't utter one word to FW the whole time there.

What is wrong with me? Any normal woman would have called the police straight away, not piled on more make up to hide her tear stained face and tell DD to keep what happened with daddy a secret. what the hell am I doing?

He has since gone to work after the visiting but has sent me a text saying "Rather than row and ignore me, I want to talk with you when I get home, is that possible?" I sent a text back saying " Yes, this needs to be sorted properly for the sake of the kids. They need to be happy with two homes not one they are scared in" Have had no response. Maybe I should not have said the two homes bit - am worried now what awaits me when he comes in. I have my emergency bag ready incase and had already planned to drive the 200 miles to my mums on tuesday as was going to secretly look at primary schools for DD. Oh....how has my life come to this......really down today

maggie hold fast - and stay safe. You said the two homes bit to begin to draw a line - for him, and for yourself, by saying it you are nerving yourself for the next step. You acquiesced and covered up today from self-preservation, perfectly understandable. What happened sounds horrible, what time is he home?

Yummy - he is still trying to control and manipulate you, getting you to play this all by how he wants it to go. You need to have the law involved for your own peace of mind. Good that you're seeing someone on Tues. Make appointments with a few of them to get a feel for who you like.

Ideally, without an abusive situation, you'd both sit down and come to an agreement on what is a reasonable arrangement for him seeing DD. But that's not possible, by the sounds.

I have been told by my solicitor that if you say 'I think we should agree on this arrangement for you seeing DD', if he disagrees he needs to get himself a lawyer to pursue it that way. He can't force you to give him the contact arrangement that he wants, except with threats, but if he does these shold be logged. And I would have thought that if he is being unco-operative and difficult in the face of you being reasonable then that wont present a good image, and he'll just be shooting himself in the foot. Let him be 'nutty'. It's important that you make as much as you can about your concerns about his ability to look after DD, and alcoholism, these will help your case.

Maggie every single one of us has covered things up. Don't worry about that.
Do worry, as Silver says, about staying safe. Is there anyone nearer than your mum tonight?