Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Oh, and he's also had a few health scares - high blood pressure, heart palpitations, tests found nothing (although he got put on tablets for the blood pressure). But now it makes sense, throwing up daily puts a huge strain on your heart (so the website says). But he never once mentioned that to any of the doctors he saw.

Anyway, am off to my baby group now to try and calm down with and .

Wow Curtis about his bulimia, you're absolutely right that it isn't fair to dump it on you like that. The way he did it sounds like he was trying to make you guilty too.

I used to have a student friend who was bulimic and hearing her throw up every night was horrible. I tried to get her some medical help but she claimed she didn't have a problem, then stopped talking to me. It's like any addiction (and eating disorders are a form of addiction), until they want help and want it to stop, there's nothing you can do. As long as the girls know making yourself sick isn't a reasonable reaction to any stress (and I don't know if there's any pattern between bulimic parents and their kids), I think you can only support them.

yep, pony its classic sings of bulimia. I lived with a friend once who did the same. 10 years is very entrenched. My friend ended up losing sections of bowel, major stomach issues, not to mention the devastating damage to teeth. Your DCs commenting on it would seem to say that they noticed something unusual, which is a very good thing. There is no harm for them to recognise things going on around them, but all the while tey consider it to be because daddy's not well, thats the right attitude to it.

Its another issue that ultimately only he CAN face/deal with it. just the same as EA, he has to recognise, and get out of his cycle of satisfaction/thrill/relief, from these actions, which is the motivation to do it. Same as EA, having stirred an emo reaction from partner is what gives the release of own pent up feelings, so motivated to do again, think of it as a simplistic brain function. Like pleasure from eating chocolate, or anything we get pleasure from, but just not so harmful. Its when its harmful/unhealthy and we don't see it that it becomes dangerous.

Ginga yep, only thing to do is change own reaction to behaviour, which will result in him altering behaviour as it will not work. We cannot change their behaviour, only our own. Hugs to you for feeling better soon.

Had superb break myself for halloween, with a couple of parties and a stay away while dc at own s/over. Just such a lovely break, a night away.

ooops! not ready to take off halloween hat yet [hsmile] still traces of last nights corpse bride face paints still in evidence [hblush]

I was thinking over lunch about how I felt about our counselling session on Monday. And made a decision that I don't want to go next week.

I texted NSDH and said that I'd decided not to go but that he could still go if he wanted to. He's just replied to say, 'no cancel it then'. As always, its down to me, he doesn't change. So I replied with 'no, you can cancel it'.

Nothing back as yet but I feel sad.

And now he's tried to ring my mobile. I've ignored it.

Glad you've made a decision, Nini, sometimes that in itself can help, knowing what you don't want to do. Keep ignoring the mobile... Are you going to contact the counsellor and tell her why you're not going to go back? (I mean, once you've rightly left it to him to cancel it.)

Thanks for your insight into the bulimia. I still feel very thrown. How could I not have known that he was throwing up every single day? How could he have kept that from me? Nini, I don't think he was trying to blame me, after all it started many years before I even met him, but I do still feel floored by his sudden revealing of this. We've both revealed things to each other of a sensitive nature. But this was never even hinted at.

Shriek, that's horrific about your friend, that's really worrying. See, now I'm wanting him to go to the doc's and get checked out properly, but really, this isn't my fight at the moment. I don't want to be all worried about him. I don't know if he is deliberately telling me to feel sorry for him, I kind of don't think so, as I know it must have taken a lot for him to tell the counsellor, he must want to sort it out (he says he's never told anyone ever). But I do think he perhaps hopes that I'll support him through recovering from this. But, as selfish as I feel saying this, I don't want to. I can't, I just can't, I can't take on any more. Bulimia is a major, major illness. It's serious, you're right that 10 years is pretty entrenched, it could take years to sort out. This, on top of everything else he's trying to sort out.

Are you all sure this is my life and not some episode of EastEnders???? Gah.

He's texted me to ask 'am I cancelling whole thing or just nxt week session' and I don't know how to respond.

Curtis this isn't your battle and I honestly think he's trying to draw you in. As awful as bulimia is, you have enough to deal with and he just isn't your responsibility anymore. I worry that if you try and support him you won't be able to separate your feelings from his illness and the way he treats you. I hope that doesn't sound harsh.

As an aside, people with eating disorders can be very clever about hiding what they do, my friend was.

Do you want to say it's the whole thing you're cancelling, or do you have mixed feelings about it and were just wanting a break for a couple of weeks from going? Whichever it is, be honest. Just say it.

I know what you mean, that's my worry too that I'll get drawn into supporting him. He knows that I'm a person that will go out of my way to help others. I don't want to think that he's so calculating that he's playing on that side of me to reel me back. I hope he's not.

I know that eating disorders often happen in secret, although his eating wasn't secretive. It just feels that even more than before that I don't know him, that there was part of him that's a complete stranger. How can that have been, we were husband and wife?

In the end I told him I didn't know, which sparked a short text conversation.
Him: Can we talk before we do anything too hasty?
Me: I think its already been proved that we can't talk. Not about things that matter anyway.
Him: I will always be here to talk with you, I can't sit back and accept ur view that I didn't care about our wedding tho. (this is what sparked the argument on monday). It's just not true.
Me: If you say so.

That was it. I wanted to tell him its not just my feelings about the wedding - its my pregnancy, giving birth, the horrible first year with DD, his attitude towards me and a million other things, but where to start. And where to end.

Curtis sorry to say, I think lots of us here have discovered sides to our FW/NSDHs that are completely strange. It happens I guess . I hope you're ok.

ooo pony most definitely HIS problem, you really cannot make a difference for him, it is like living with an alchoholic in denial, they risk their lives, but nothing you can do, and actually the best thing you can do is leave as this way they have noone else to blame or expect to 'transform' their life for them, which of course noone else can do.

Please don't feel guilty, my last intention trigger any guilt

Only brief visit as just got home and now heading out again. catch up better later. take care. NO GUILT - ONLY FREEDOM - anyone that loves you does not want you to feel guilt! - whereas 'some' relish the feeling that guilt is being taken on - don't take it.

Stick to your guns girl [hsmile]

Hello everyone, just wanted to stop by and say that I think you are all amazingly strong and put up with more shit than anyone deserves! Just a couple of comments:

Nini why keep bother with couples counselling? it seems you have made your mind up over your marriage, and you are hoping for some sort of recognition of the misery your FW has caused ? this seems unlikely to come from a counsellor who is trying to resolve conflict rather an apportion blame (which your FW obviously deserves). It feels, from what you say, that the whole process is just tormenting you and giving you more pain and grief. I can?t remember if you are doing solo counselling but maybe this is a better way to go?

Pony my DS is bulimic and it is a horrible disease, but as others have said this is not your problem. It seems that this may well just be another symptom of your FW?s personality and issues the same as his treatment of you ? and you are no more responsible for solving this problem than any of his other issues, only he can do that ? and I am sure he has a list of other people to blame before he gets to his own personal responsibility!

Maggie you did nothing to deserve any of this, and it is all completely unreasonable behaviour (as everyone else has already said ? but definitely worth repeating).

Trying, again repeating what all the other far more sensible / knowledgeable posters have said ? go for the flat asap, you never know what is around the corner ? better to take your freedom at the first possible opportunity. As for your DC?s if you let them know that the first place is probably temporary and make it out more as a ?holiday / adventure? they will probably be more excited than unsettled ? go for it, it is fantastic news!

That is definitely more than a couple of comments sorry! Again huge amounts of admiration and inspiration here, keep picking each other up, you will get there eventually ? as other posters show with their different stages along the road.

Just hang on in there Hilde it is going to get one whole lot worse.
Sorry :(.
Just know, and I think you do, that you are doing the right thing.
Strong thoughts coming your way.

I am so sorry Hilde did not mean it to sound that way.

Can't answer your question as it is so long since mine were that small.
I reckon, though, that he is playing you and that this overwhelming desire to look after a toddler may well fizzle out of its own accord.

hilde - with regards him hitting DD1 (still ), in the light of the emails between him and his sister, I would think he's just saying that he'll take the 'unwelcome consequences' because he feels that's what you want to hear. What do you think? What does DD1 think?

Regards him having DS2 overnight - I have several thoughts. If you really, really don't want it to happen at all, refuse it. He can apply through a solicitor to get it if he wants (which means it'll happen eventually but give you some time to get used to it). I also think that 2 nights away from you is too much at this young age, especially given that there are creams and allergies etc to consider. One night would be more than enough. I haven't as yet let NSDH have DS2 overnight yet, he's 11 months. Inevitably, it'll happen (and then you can all watch me crumble ). But one night is all it will be at any one time, I think two is too much at that young age when he's not used to it plus don't trust NSDH to do look after him on his own for that long. I don't plan to let him have more than one night at a time for a loooooong time, if I can help it.

You need to see a solicitor and talk to them about your thoughts. There's no hard-and-fast rule about how often/how long, etc, but they'll give you guidance.

What arthriticfingers says about it fizzling out, especially if he has him for one night and sees all he has to do, makes sense.

has anyone had help with thier ex's mental health issues in relation to support with thier contact issues? ; my ex is seriuosly disturbed; some kind of schizo thing. i finally forwarded on a threatening email from the ex on to 2 family members plus email from me explaining how much its affecting me and what is gng on; one family member got back and said he had borderline narcissistic pers.disorder
..and it was really reassuring to get that affirmation, i think i could ask for the ex to be assesed for mental health maybe as part of contact? and i want to push for contact in a contact centre only, based on this. his emails show him clearly ranting about all sorts of irrational rubbish . would/could this affect his contact? oh and he was also trying to turn dd against me in last days of contact.

ps sorry the person who assessed him as 'bnpd' was from his family and has cut contact since he started harrassing them and thier kids about 2 years ago.

If you have any concerns about the safety of your dcs with someone who has proven abuse (PA/EA) do not let them go overnight, or for anything other than what you think will be a safe amount of time with the FW. You as mother have absolutely every right to protect your children. Actually, no, its the children who have the rights to be protected by their mothers where their FW NSDF dont!

where is the FW mental health problem registered yummy? does he have psych support, meds, etc.?

Hilde if there is any suggestion in your mind that your FW will put your child at risk then you have to put strict guidelines in for care when you are not around, i.e. maybe only between meals, like for afternoons on Saturdays or sundays, when you will have applied all appropriate creams, and strict rule of no food to be given at that time. Love your child more than hate your ex, and regardless of ex requests you have a judgement call to make about risks involved. Or to spend time together when you are around also. There may be a family member prepared to accompany visits to ensure everything covered. Does he know how to administer epi for example?