Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Nini, I'm imagining your FW's book on relationships would be a short one then: Chapter 1: Communicate.
Chapter 2: Cuddle.
The end.
'But what if my husband treats me like...' Nope, doesn't matter, just cuddle him more. Or talk to him. Your choice, obviously. You have the control, you make all the choices, whether to cuddle or communicate. Honestly, what more do you ladies want?

I see a big after-dinner speaking future ahead for him!

Sorry you've been having a bad day Curtis [hsad], and I think I also need to reread those words of Fools. As for 'to my gorgeous/sexy/amazing husband' cards, I feel your pain. When it was our anniversary a few weeks back I struggled to find a card suitable for him (you can't get ones that say you're a selfish, abusive wanker and I hate you). Took me several shops to find one that I thought conveyed the coolness of my feelings, but never gave it to him anyway as he never gave me one!

A massive [hgrin] at the thought of NSDH doing after-dinner speeches on this stuff! And yet he honestly thinks he's going to be a big shot one day. Well mate, you're in your thirties and it ain't happened yet!

[wants a long and silky beard to stroke a la Pai Mei from Kill Bill]

Oh, Nini, are you me in disguise? I always struggle to find appropriate anniversary and birthday cards for h. And no, I didn't give him the anniversary card I eventually bought (paying as little as possible) as he didn't give me one. This year he didn't even give me a birthday card. And come to that, dcs and I thought very hard about what to buy him for last Christmas, we all thought we'd done really well - two of them are still in the boxes, and one is only used if the dcs make his tea in it.

Curtis sorry you are having a bad day. I will read fool's post later. It sounds wise. Sometimes I feel that we have opened a box and we will never be able to close it, or erase the crap from our memories. Sad, sad, sad.

mmm talking. I just looked back at the last dregs of my 'relationship' with him, texts. him blaming me for not talking; how can it be fixed if you won't talk? He being sorry for extreme behaviour, only happens when he's drunk which is all the time! He feels stupid, guilty, bad, a c*, unforgiveable, promises will never drink again, or only when not coming home, blaming his latest outburst (after 2 weeks of silence from me) on his very stressful day at work and that at least he could see the damage he had done so could work at rectifying it. I ask you all, did it happen again? or was that the last time? and how could he possibly begin to sort things out about stuff he couldn't remember or intimated I'd made up! He even booked a psych counsel.

I couldn't trust him anymore, it was broken. He was enraged that I wouldn't 'argue' with him anymore. I said i was too scared, and he'd only get off the point, would never talk about what was really bothering him instead of 'picking' at me trying to destroy me with vile diatribe designed only to cause pain, until losing his temper completely and raging at me (all ok in his book of keeping wifey 'towing the line'). and he'd never remember it anyway, so he didn't have to face his awful behaviour.

I'd gone passed talking (inside), but still thought [afterwards] that we could talk [about other stuff], but no HE IS WHAT HE IS; HIS CHANGE IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY. He will continue to cut-off his own balls (passive) and punish others for doing it (.....

I really know now. All hope is gone

... of any more 'talking'

goosepimples Hilde at the huge decision you have made. Just steel youself for him to resist worse before it gets better, and remember he speaks lies, and will try to coax and engage you, employing all his 'best' worst wiles to get a foot in the door, including crying probably! the sad pleading and begging and the empty promises (never do it again, it will be different I LOVE YOU!!!)

take care and hope you have peace now your decision is made.

laughed nini about the card wordings [hgrin] I reckon you might be able to make up something really sutiable on 'the pig' site?

hilde well done! Hope you don't get too much grief over the weekend...will be thinking of you x

Hilde well done.
Does your heart feel lighter??

hilde you sound like I felt after I had stopped crying. I just feel at peace now I know I can live my life exactly how I want it. Nobody has insulted me or shouted at me for a fortnight. Hope your ex accepts your decision. Mine is still in denial I think, although I haven't heard from him in 2 days.

It's one of the brain-scrambling things you go through, that after all the arguing and struggling to make the relationship work you give up and start making plans to leave.

But my FW seemed to panic at that point and instead of being kind and loving and giving himself a chance of a fresh start he was truly horrible to me. Drove the car at 100 mph, slammed doors and broke them, sat and drank neat whisky and haranged me at 2am wouldn't let me sleep and forced me to have sex.

No wonder I was so happy to leave and be alone and undisturbed! And although for weeks I was afraid he would come round and carry on pleading and haranging he wasn't able to get me alone.

I sometimes wonder what I would have done if he had behaved better. But maybe he did me a favour showing his true colours. Life is so much better without him!

Hope you all have a peaceful and happy weekend [hsmile]

Hey parapet here's an idea, why don't you take his unused presents from last year, sell them and use the money for this year's presents? Saves wasting the money and gets rid of clutter [hgrin]

Shriek I think there's a potential market in cards to give your FWs!

hilde, hope you manage to get a bit of pampering in, you deserve it!

Match Nobody has insulted me or shouted at me for a fortnight. That struck a huge chord for me and reminded me of what I'm aiming for. Thank you xx

No problem. It is so nice to be able to do what I like and go where I want and not be held accountable for it. No discussion of petrol costs or what household jobs I ought to have done instead.
Very cheesy I know, but it makes me think of the film Labyrinth when Jennifer Connelly says to David Bowie " You have no power over me!" I feel like I have stepped out from under a cloud.
My DSDs know now anyway. One of them rang and told me her mum and stepdad have also just split up. I told her I still love her and her sister and still want to see them as often as I can.

Wow hilde. Go girl!!!!! And take a copy of those emails, in case they magically disappear, I think they are fantastic proof of his real intentions. Hope you get a relaxing few days.

Lemon, I have often wondered what would happen if NSDH actually behaved as I wanted him to. I suspect I would be back by now, I'm easily led [hgrin] so it wouldn't take much!! But he can't even bring himself to be normal/think of my needs for more than about a week, so he always reveals his true self in the end. Thank God!!

Oooo, Matchsticks, that's so funny you mention Labyrinth, I was thinking about it just today but can't quite recall why now. I think it was to do with the young baby being snatched away [hsad]. Great film, I loved it.
Glad your DSDs know now, but how awful for them that their mum and SD have also split. You still seeing them will give them much-needed continuity, support and comfort, I'm sure.

Just a quickie as can't stay long on here! Hilde what a pair of shits!! Expected from FW from from your SIL?!! Defo do what fool says and use this knowledge to your advantage. I don't trust anyone - there is always someone that will stab you in the back! Bloody shits! Am mad for you!

ps - I have a ZZ top beard! Takes a lot of grooming! [hgrin]

hi oh i can really relate to the last few posts.have just been pushed into changing locks/ police/ and next, injunction etc as ex just got to point where i didnt feel safe and he was involving dd in the 'war' ( entirley one way!!) as he calls it depite me being totally reasonable with his erratic volatile crap all this time.
same as shriek, he somehow forgets what he said/ did or justifies the bits he does remember. its very bizarre.
also am past 'talking' or should i just call it what it is, argiung.endlessly. boring boring boring bollx . only have energy for moving on now, and he can talk to a solicitor as thats the only way he will wake up to fact im seriuos this time.that he cant keep just playing me, to get me where he wants me.oh and i feel the same a cloud lifting and i can see clear sky ahead, but storms before as i never know how he will react, its only peaceful at mo as he;s taking the poor you your crazy u need help line.

Hi Ladies. it was my first night off in, well I don't know how long.. an I've taken on board a few more glasses of redthan is sensible I think. Lovely ot see all the changes going on here, and getting excited at the brave steps to move away, and decision making.

Yummy good to see you back. Well done, it is volatile crap. well done for 'seeing' and then having the energy to move on. Good to see you here. Keep posting. 'you're crazy!, and you need help' !!! huh! keep strong and safe.

a peaceful night to all.. lorts t of hugs.... LOVE YOUUUUUU [hsoppykisses]

Hi guys,

I've had terrible flu so haven't had chance to post.
Pony and nine about the hoarding stuff I could not believe it. Dh treats all my sentimental stuff as junk, called a pic I had painted him rubbish in a row, treats it without respect if HE thinks it's crap but I have to be careful with his things.
Hildebrand, I work in mental health. I would be careful about manipulating your dsil. It sound like they have convinced each other you are the crazy one and the more they say it the more it will become true for them so act sane don give them any ammunition which might be used against you at a later date. There is an extremely poor grasp of ea in counselling from what I've seen. So called professionals tend to give more weight to behaviour than words. I'd just box clever is all,just a thought.
Fool, I haven't read Bancroft yet but I must just say it is a myth personality disorder in untreatable, it depends on which one it is and what kind of therapy is done, how hard person works. It's not responsive to the usual counselling from gp service that's for sure.
Saying all that here I am with my fw still as confused as ever. Since our diabolical row on Tuesday I have been very ' nice' to him. On Wednesday bizarrely he was on time for the first time ever.
But every morning I get the usual little digs. Small stuff but enough to wound. Always has a go about out of date food I must eat!
Wanted me to ask nother dh a question I didnt really want to. Then called me timid. When I pointed out he wouldnot ask questions on my behalf he had a whole reasoned defence. It is denial and projection.
Still upset about him slandering my mothering skills. Went out of way to cope marvellously yesterday today - play date, baths and dinner noprobs, no sleep no prob, bake cake sure. He did notice but doesn't tell me I'm a good mother, I have to say so now do you think I'm a bad one?
He was going out thurs and had to ask him to stay as Ill and his first response is, well you will be too Ill to do your activity on sat then won't you. Never mind he's already been out more than me. It's all tit for tat.
What happened to caring? Generosity etc?
Anyhow I have been looking into ways of behaving in order to preserve sanity and like has been said detachment seems to be the key although it breaks my heart that I'm detaching from what's supposed to be the most intimate relationship. I feel a bit of an actor. That if I said what I really think everything would blow up.
He says he loves me. I still love him.
What a mess.

NSDH spent most of last night sleeping downstairs, our cat came for cuddles in the wee hours and he shoved her violently so i called him a bastard. Im guessing this is punishment.

Just saw ex and one of my DSDs at DD's swimming lesson. Got a big hug from her and she says she wants to come over to my new place when I collect my 2.
Ex told me I need to do something about my cat and piano and the 'hundreds of pairs of shoes' I have. It's about 5 pairs! Pathetic. At least he seems to realise I'm serious, but this will be when he starts trying to do things to get at me.
I have not told anyone official about the emotional and verbal abuse I've suffered and DCs witnessed, but I will if he pushes me to it.

Soooo everyone! Did you all know its me that has ruined our family and our relationship?!! Again he says everytime he walks in the door he is trying to make a fresh start and its all my fault we can't, turning kids against him etc. This is the speech I got this morning as he tried to grope me ((puke)) Also he loves and misses me....MISSES me?!! I'm always at home! I've not gone bloody missing on a bender like he does! Well last night the usual sh1t of parking car outside home after work and then going awol-coming home at 3am and now he's swanned off on a jolly with his cousins for the day. I can't remember the last time I was out till 3am or was even out without kids day or night for that matter. I'm suppose to be taking kids to a halloween party today, literally don't have a penny in my purse and just don't know if I could face small talk with stepford wife stylie mummys anyway. FW says we all have to tighten our belts as he swans off on various jollies going to have to get petrol etc on my own credit card as usual which is already very very near its limit [hhmm] and continue to struggle to pay monthly min payments . For those of you that have flown, how did you work out the child maintanence stuff-private agreement or via CSA? He would have to give me about £450 a month according to the website. Bit different to £0 a month now hey?! [hshock]

Hey Maggie. That's all just big pants. How can he seriously tell you to tighten your belt when he's out spending money on himself? And denying the kids their fun as a result. That's not right at all.

When I left DS1's dad, we worked out the finances ourselves, and still do, there's never really been any problems. But that's because he's not abusive, just a normal man (with, unfortunately, an addiction).
With DS2's dad, NSDH, I haven't so far gone down the route of asking for maintenance, although that money he recently gave me is supposedly supposed to be for the last six months' maintenance (I think he's scared I'll claim it retrospectively so doesn't want to get stung with an enormous bill). He also does the maintenance for his ex-wife between the two of them, no CSA. He seems nervous of CSA involvement.
I would bet that your FW would not willingly hand over £450/month! So maybe CSA would be best. And I think sometimes it's best to get outside agencies to do it so you don't have to. Only you know whether he's likely to pay it without any external intervention.

Ginga, sorry to hear he's gone back to the usual FWittery. Detaching is the only way. I still love my NSDH, still fancy him (a lot!), still try and convince myself that we can make this work. But really, it doesn't matter that I love him. It doesn't matter that he loves me. What matters is that I don't want this to be my life, I choose to not be abused. I wouldn't let someone I didn't like abuse me, I'm not going to let someone I love do it.

Nini, hope the poor cat's ok [hsad]. And hope your day is going ok, what with the arrival of evil FIL (or E-FIL, as I shall call him...).

hilde, hope you're putting your feet up and getting looked after at home. You deserve it! I was thinking about you in the middle of the night (after being woken up by a wailing and snotty DS2 for about the 8th time, no exaggeration [enormous yawn]). I reckon those emails are a gift. It's kind of like a karma thing, or the universe giving you a little helping hand. If you hadn't seen them, you wouldn't be making the decisions you are now, and you'd be blithely going about unaware of his real intentions. All it would have taken would have been him being a little more careful and not using his work email account. But he did. There are unseen forces at work, for you! (Does that make sense? It all sounded better in my head at 4am...) Knowledge is power.

Have a fab time, rest up. You are one strong lady.