Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Thanks Hilde you and Shriek are so right, I really need to stop responding to him and his nasty comments, he just knows which buttons to push. I have stopped responding to his nasty texts a few months back and that drives him mad as we would normally have a big row over that. I really need the extra time/space to plan my escape properly, just leaving quickly has not worked for me in the past and I've always returned. My DBro spoke to me today and told me in the new year he will be in a position to help me with a deposit and first months rent I know then there will be no returning to FW. Thanks for all the advice ladies, really appreciate it. Am back on the road to escaping and focused instead of being side tracked by his delaying outburts xx

Oh no Match sorry to hear that...why are all the FWs so selfish. He knows you will have to deal with their reactions as they won't have had enough time for it to sink in. Thinking of you.

They have been on the receiving end too over the years. All I will need to say is "you know how your dad can behave. I'd had enough". I want them to be able to visit us when they come up, but if he thinks he can use them to hook me back in he is sadly deluded.

What an amazing turnaround for you Maggie, you're being really strong about this. so good that you have stopped replying to texts, me too on that one. Fab DBro, there is a fantastic male of the species in the world! That is heartening [hsmile]

It is HIS fault Match, keep saying that. He's letting them drive up to face this news, you wouldn't, and leave him to manage it. he cannot pretend its not happening unless you join in his plan. No need for chasing texts or anything. just let him do what he will, its not down to you to do this or cover for him any more. it'll be a shock to him as one thing we all seem to be just brilliant at is carrying responsibility for EVERYONE ELSE! Well we don't have to, we just seem to think we do. He didn't tell them, it wasn't a considerate thing to do, but its his choice to have done that. He is free to make his own choices about how he manages his life/relationships and he's such an expert!!! ha ha

I haven't replied to my stepdaughter's text as it is indeed his mess. You would think that after 2 marriages end in exactly the same way that maybe, just maybe it is YOU with the problem, not the women! But no, much easier to assume I am having an affair/fancy the 'single life' again, while burying your head in the sand and telling nobody what's happening.

Maggie, I'll second Shriek's recommendation to make sure you keep any abusive texts, it's all evidence for when you go to a solicitor. Thinking bout you and the kids. Stay safe. (and hurray for your DBro!!!)

Matchsticks, that's sad, for both you and stepkids. He's not being fair to either you or them by not having told them yet. You can still maintain a relationship with them, especially if they are fully aware of how he can be.

Hi ladies, maggie so sorry for all the pain, but wow you sound strong and your plan sounds great. Match what a twunt your fw is being re the dsds. Could you just text something back to her like "love you, honey" or whatever so she will feel reassured in retrospect by that when he has told her the news?

Shriek can't believe it's trick or treat time this weekend, that's rolled around so quickly! Better buy a pumpkin, tho won't be able to carve one again without thinking about ahem, well you know [hgrin]

Hi all and thanks for the supportive messages yesterday. I meant to come on here and offer some support back, but haven't had enough "spare" time when h is not around.

I would also keep any abusive texts or messages, and keep a log of bad things you can use as evidence when you need it. Keep it where there is no chance of fw finding it, if you possibly can.

Will post over the weekend if I can.

Hugs everyone.

Uuurgh big spaghetti head over here - was definite it was all over, went to see CAB, I was feeling so sure of myself, then FW phoned (he's due back in uk on sat, been away for nearly 2 weeks) he hasn't phoned for over a week, had a 2 hour phone call, he cried, I cried...and caved. Was taking a little too much blame for things that I was comfortable with, but the thought of things being ok between us was intoxicating I guess [hhmm] Spent today thinking maybe things could actually work out, but then he phoned again tonight and it was like yesterday's call didn't happen, he had assumed full victim mode, whilst taunting me for thinking I'm the 'victim' - it got really nasty, hatred, name calling, threats, the usual threats he'll take my dd's away. I'm scared. He's back on Saturday.

I'm sorry I haven't caught up properly with the thread, just got a bit too much shit going on at the moment! Hope everyone's ok anyway

Thx everyone, when this sort of thing had happened 6 months back I would now be in a very dark place but am just over the whole situation now and even though I'm sad I've just had enough you know? There is only so much a lady can take! Not just saying this but feel that having a good bunch of friends (if that's ok to call you all that!) around to chat to that are in similar situations has been a great help-really mean that! THANK YOU!!! x

Have stayed in the bedroom all eve and he's just brought me up all my washing, folded nicely and acting all friendly [hshock] he is clearly deranged and so used to me just "forgetting" our rows. Not any more! I have been logging everything-wish I'd started years ago-keep it all on a memory stick which is then hidden in one of my drawers.

Re DBro, he is fab but has had his moments and I've bailed him out of the sh1t many a time over the years so makes a change its my turn for help! He too was in an EA relationship for over 5 years and still lives in the same house as his partner but they are now only friends/housemates. I do still worry very much about him as have heard his "friend" many a time still putting him down and other EA stuff even though they are not a couple anymore. I cannot go to visit his house either (his "friend" does not like me as I stick up for my DBro) and when I invite him over to mine he always has plans with his "friend". He still very much has a hold over him and this worries me. Another victim of my fathers EA-both of us choosing clones of our dad I have decided when me and kids leave I am going to kidnap DBro from that house and he can live with us (for a while!) Neighbours might start thinking we are a bit strange otherwise! [hgrin]

oh no fraggle - it is such a roller-coaster - someone else used the term here some pages ago. So sorry to hear that you are scared. you have to ignore the lies. I always struggled with the '....but words will never hurt me' rhyme, as they did hurt so bad, but I do know now that they are lies. There have been threats and threats also. What can they do? Threaten. 'they' won't take your children away. He won't either, and if you really are sure he wil and take his threat seriously leave with them yourself.

Keep talking it out on here otherwise the spaghetti starts unravelling..... take care.

hmmm trying praps I shouldn't have been so graphic! but I will definitely furiously carving shapes this weekend [hangry] - good to get it out the system, and pretty harmless on the poor pumpkin, although have nearly lost fingertips in the process.

Hope its going along quietly fo ryou at the mo onthe

All quiet here for us at the moment, so going to head for bed and get some catchup done.

Quiet night wishes to you all, and keep safe girls and your dc's.

Ps-stay strong Fraggle don't let him grind you down, easier said than done I know!

shriek my comment was more thinking of the halloween vagina [hgrin] but now you mention it, I might have a go at doing some therepeutic carving of a pumpkin myself, involving subtle references to my dear fw [hwink]

Thanks guys, I'm going to try and catch up with the thread, all look after yourselves, I'm just glad my inner voice stopped whispering and has started shouting at me, there's no going back, no matter how scary that thought is!

Oooh halloween smilies! [hbiscuit] is my fave!

Sorry to hear you've had to deal with spaghetti-head fraggle . Listen to that inner voice!

I've had a rough week. My joy at NSDH taking DD to the Dad's group last saturday was short lived, she came back having fallen over and put her tooth through her tongue so was covered in blood and still isn't eating properly. Then on Monday she came down with a nasty cough, which I then caught, so no-one in our house has had a full night's sleep since last weekend.

Couples counselling wasn't too bad on Monday. My personal counselling was brilliant on Wednesday, she gave me lots of pointers on what to say next week (at couples counselling we're going to discuss my hoarding, which is a very emotive subject for me). Things have been going ok until the last 24 hours.

All of a sudden NSDH has started gettin angsty at anything I say. We're back to the whole 'if it isn't positive, I don't want to hear it'. We had a bit of a mini-row this morning - we've had the car fixed, he paid for it, I said to him that I would have been happy to pay it but I don't want it held against me at counselling that I havn't (he complained on Monday that I havn't been paying him exactly half for big household stuff). He then started accusing me of 'taking us back to dark times with my suppositions' () and how I was messing everything up. I told him to stop using management speak .

I was wondering why he's got so funny all of a sudden, and I think I know why now - he thinks I'm due my period soon (which is possible as I'm not regular). He's building it up to make it look like I'm deliberately starting arguments, so if I come on in the next 2 weeks or so, he can turn round and tell me I'm unbearable to live with at this 'time of the month'.

I'm now feeling afraid that I might come on soon, and how if I do, he'll present it to our counsellor as 'proof'. I'm afraid of my own body.

How fucked up is that.

Sorry for the rant, and for not being supportive to the rest of you lately.

To top it all off, his evil Dad is coming to visit tomorrow. I will need the strength of an ox.

Nini glad you could have a rant! helps the rest of us feel free to have a rant too [hwink]

Go out b4 evil Dad arrives and take the kids with you and leave the two evils together! ha ha [hwink] (couldn't find [hEVIL]) cackle cackle....

Hey all.

fraggle, I'm almost glad he's scuppered himself with that second phone call, they will always find ways to show you who they really are. Hope your resolve is back at maximum levels.

Nini, sounds like a tough week (and tough weekend coming up [hsad]). That's absolutely so awful about him using your period against you. My NSDH would do that too, would ask me 'are you on' if I was arguing back. I swear he wrote it in his diary so he could ask me, thus proving his point (though what he blamed the arguments on that we had the full rest of the month, I'm not sure...).
Re your hoarding: I don't know your situation with that, but I also have a tendency to 'collect' stuff. But what I find difficult about NSDH's attitude is his lack of respect for my stuff, lack of empathy that I find it difficult to throw things away sometimes. When we were packing up my house ready for me to move in with him, he refused to pack all my tupperware boxes - mostly margarine tubs, but some bought stuff too. Went on and on about how he wasn't having them in his house (errrrr, it was meant to be our house tho...). Raged at me that I was being ridiculous when I was getting upset by him saying all this. Any time he 'helped' me pack, he just chucked stuff in boxes, cleared shelves in seconds. In the end, I wouldn't let him 'help' me any more, and that was a source of more arguments. Although, maybe that was his gameplan... But generally I find he doesn't respect my stuff, chucks it about and sometimes breaks it. When I was pregnant, he wouldn't get my boxes out of the garage so I could go through them (I couldn't do it myself), and the result was that a large number of boxes became water-damaged, mould damaged or mice-infested. I cried and cried and cried when he (eventually) brought in a box that had DS1's baby books in it, all mouldy and had to be chucked. He just didn't seem to care. I could go on, and on, and on about all the stuff of mine that got ruined by mould (or by NSDH simply leaving it outside in the rain). [hshock][hsad]

Had a bit of an argument with NSDH on Wednesday when dropping kids off. Not missing him any more. But head all over the place. Feel like maybe we should just make this separation official. Gaaaaaah. Think I need some retail therapy, me and DS2 are off into town. Memo to self: don't buy [hbiscuit].

Oh nooo Nini thinking of you, many of us on here also get the time of the month/hormone speech-its so annoying, they just use it as an excuse. My FW knows when my period is due to the date-i don't even know that every month-Its just strange. He always says stuff like only 2 more days we can shag on etc etc ((PUKE)) and then a week of me being a b1tch for him to cope with-alrighty then! Bet normal couples don't have that crap to deal with. Stay strong and agree with Shriek try and escape as much as poss away from evil FIL! Good luck! [hsmile]

Ps-Pony ((hugs)) and enjoy shopping!!

sorry Hilde that's horrid (happened to me too) but you can actually use this.....she will help to keep him off your back if you continue to tell her that if you have too much contact/texting/letters you will flip and start to think the only way is divorce ..I had some very useful exchanges with NSDH's friend once i realised it all got back to him!!

PS you are not an idiot...but a nice person who expects to be able to accept people at face value and trust what they say