Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

You are all making me lol tonight!!!!!! [hgrin]

Why are they all the same?!!!! Also think my stress and illness will disappear once shot of him! But no, it is of course my hormones, grief for friend, not coping with kids etc etc - errr noooo - its YOU you FW!!! I can cope fine with everything else!

Re births - I had horror film one too with DD, blood everywhere [hshock] and DS was surrounded by about 20 surgeons! [hshock] During both, FW kept saying to me "are you alright, whats the matter?" Errrr yeah, feeling great - bloody idiot!! He was more worried about missing his next meal as they both took so long!!!

Have stayed in bedroom all night tonight after putting kids to bed, he popped his head in briefly trying to be all friendly - wanted to tell him to bog off but didn't! Just kept the conversation brief. Detach detach detach!!! Am hoping he has bedded down on sofa for the night now so I can have the bed tonight!!

I suppose we have to sometimes laugh or we will all be basket cases!! Well I already am according to FW! [hhmm]

OMG ladies I am in total shock [hshock] Just came downstairs to get a cheeky biscuit (and to check if FW sleeping on sofa) He wasn't so told him to have the bed tonight (so I could have a few biccies and watch sky for a bit!) So off he goes up to bed.

Anyway when he had gone I went into kitchen and he has left a note for me there basically saying he will give me £300 a month for any shopping I need to get and I can choose what we have for dinners etc etc (big thing this as he normally controls the whole food thing in our house being an amazing chef and all)

Question is......what the fook is happening? Why the big turn around from his usual control freak FW style? And how do I respond to that? Do my best actress bit and save as much of the money as poss for escape in new year? I have no clue! Spaghetti head comes to mind [hconfused]

still controlling...just set his boundaries somewhere different. because he can, because it messes with your head, because he can sense you gently slipping from his clutches

not controlling is "here's your card for the joint account, do you want me to cook any evenings this week? i can do x or x and x, i'll cook spag bol and fish pie if that suits you, I can shop on y but could you get me the potatoes if you are out at tesco's please?"...look no comment on what you cook or even the fact that you can choose, no money limit, trust, equality and respect.

placing bets that he will expect you to stop complaining about some other twat behaviour, will use this as a bargaining chip to show how much he is changing or will claw back control in some other arena.

Thanks fool is exactly what I was thinking - he will use it against me in some way. I told him after he took the joint card off me a while ago that I didn't want it back and just wanted housekeeping cash to do with what I wanted etc as when i used the joint card he would make me write down each purchase and what it was for and then would check every bloody detail - god forbid I would have bought myself some cheap lipgloss or similar - all hell broke loose. I shall wait to see if he does the same here with the cash situation. I certainly won't be making any purchase lists for him this time around but know it will get thrown in my face at some point and I will be asked what am I exactly spending HIS money on and so on....then insults will follow...sponger..thief and so on. The difference now is that I am starting to predict what is going to happen before it even does so am prepared for it.

Agree he feels I am detaching....just have to keep playing the game until ready to fly [hhmm]

Yes I was thinking same, Maggie - still sounds very controlling to me. If you can stash some away for your escape fund though, so much the better!

Hi guys,

So sorry shriek and magpie you have been having such a hard time, thinking of you.
Well Tuesday it nearly all came tumbling down. I had an appointment and as usual dh ignores me giving him warnings that I need to go so he needs to sort ds1 out so he's not upset with me leaving. Dh doing housework which is more valid. Eventually it w just too late and when I tried to leave da1 got upset so I just gave up.
I told dh he had no respect for my time and needs and he was selfish. He got on his high horse about cleaning. We got into a row and I said you should leave so he went and
Asked a bag, said he would stay at a friends for a week.
Then I was quite upset and he said you're nuts you are, maybe you should never have had children, you see how you cope without me, the place will go to ruin and social services will put them into care, you're being a bad mother.
These words are possibly the worst he has ever said to me as I turn myself inside out trying to be a good mother.
But I am sorry we rowed I front of dcs. That's not on.
He later apologised for the social services statemen but said that for arguing and crying in front of kids he did think was bad.
He took dc1 to park leaving me with dc2 and I had to go shopping as we had nothing. Dh said don't buy anything for him so I didn't. I bought cola which he hates me drinking as he says it makes my breath smell, cue degrading personal comment designed tomake me do what he wants, and salad which he thinks a waste of money!
His stuff was sitting packed and ready to go but he said I'll help you withbathtime shall I, then I'm going for our trial separation. By this time I was feeling really emotional and on top of everything I got flu and was starting to shiv etc. he said if you're sick I'll stay and go next week.
I'm afraid I totally bottled. The fear of him leaving is still greater than staying. I was overcome with anxiety. I pretty much said he had to stay. He said he will review it in a week.
If he goes it will just be a little responsibility free holiday I guess.
I can't get over what he said though so I don't know what to do now. We went out today as a family and I'm trying to be good mum but have no idea how to handle dh anymore.
I keep thinking if he loved me surely he wouldn't mess with m head like this?
Ds2 asleep now so going to try get some sleep. May log in during the night if anyone sound.

Morning Ginga many thanks for thinking of me/us in the middle of your difficulties you are SOOOO thoughtful and hugs to you in your dark hours :( I hope you wake feeling rested and stronger today.

He is controlling, and he is a LIAR. you mustn't believe ANYTHING he says! he's a LIAR. If a friend, or someone whose opinion you valued pulled you up on something about your parenting that would be very different. Try really hard to ignore his ways to TRY to hurt you, and you will see through them. You know that he is trying to be mean and I will give them this, they REALLY know how to hit the vulnerable spots. Attacking any mother about her parenting ability is a sure-fire way to hurt as she worries about the well-being of her children. If you actually didn't care, him saying that wouldn't bother you in the slightest (until you get to the point of ignoring his insults cos he lies). fool speaks much sense.

You will be ok on your own, do you have family nearby that can jump in to help if you're going down with flu and you were on your own? I don't, but I do manage, its hard but you just have to take those days easy and not have too high an expectation of yourself and you'll manage. On the day it happens we'll all be here for you excited and cheering you on that you started out on your own and left him behind, when you're ready for that.

I hope there's something of comfort for you in these words, I don't feel in a great place myself still, but its still better than him being in the house!

take care

ps. couldn't find [lemon] or [honey] on the list to make you better, so & instead, probably more comforting anyway ;)

ooo [hconfused] she said (putting her witches hat on too [hwink])

Moving on from Halloween Vaginas, which I thought was hilarious (despite grim mood recently), Mums & kids doing Halloween Houses this weekend? We are. Its something else to think about, especially devising some 'tricks' going to house of ex and stabbing him, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha (witches cackle)

We also had a showdown last night. I think this is really it. Feel so frightened. Ended with H saying this cannot go on and me agreeing and then going to sleep in our separate rooms. I cannot bear the thought of being with DD every day. Will a judge believe me if I say that I wanted to work parttime so was there for DD but H wouldn't allow me? When this is sorted then the first thing I'll do is negotiate a 3 or 4 day week at work. It will be the best thing tohappen in a long time.
PS ginga my H always tells memy breathe smells. Think it's another way to contorl what you eat/drink and to diminish your self confidence as you then don't even want to talk to people/

Ooops I mean not with DD every day!!!! Obv I'd be delighted to have her every day but that is never going to happen

How do you get over the guilt. The guilt that you've brought a child into a broken home. That she'll never remember having parents that lived together and love each other. That she is being condemned to a life of ferrying from one house to the next. That somehow you should have tried harder, should have made things work. That she'll never have a sibling. That I had such a happy childhood and she won't get to experience that.

Kimberlina I thought exactly the same :( , but, if you knew how it was going to be and you had your daughter, would you walk into that relationship with your eyes wide open, not vulnerable, in full knowledge of the abuse? The answer's 'no' right! Of course you wouldn't. If you abuse you carry guilt. He abused, he carries the guilt. You are only half of the relationship! You will have done everything you can you make it work. You're not responsible for him, HE is! He's not a child, but an adult and must take responsibility for splitting up his lovely family :(

She doesn't need siblings :) She needs YOU to be HAPPY and healthy, free to enjoy life with her, giving her constant, unswerving love and time. You can give her a wonderful rest of her childhood and together you will repair.

Its very sad that her dad isn't what you'd have wanted for her (but he's letting her down, you're not! he's done that, you haven't), but you will be moving away from that for happier times ahead. There are many happy single parent families (get in touch with GB who do loads together), and many same sex male/female families, and many 'conjoined' families, I don't know whether the regular couple 2.4 kids is even the majoirty any more is it?! Does it matter if it is; your daughter will talk to friends who have similar situations.

it is better to have it behind you. hugs for strength to help with your fears.

Also Kimberlina remember, she sees it all differently to you. You view it as 'ferrying' she won't even think about that.

Massive row just happened he started off by saying how he will give me that money if I behave myself and how he tries to make a fresh start everytime he walks in the door and its me that's failed as I can't even keep the family together etc etc. Then started saying he is going out to his friends as he hates me etc etc so I said his friends wouldn't even pee on him if he was on fire (they wouldn't but I shouldn't have said it) he responded by throwing my DSs whole beaker of water at me-i was wet through. He said he is NOT leaving his house and why don't I just pack my suitcases and f**k off now I've taken all his money etc etc. All of this was I'm ashamed to say in front of DD and DS I hate him so much. He just wants us to go and move to my mums (200 miles away) so he can do what he wants when he wants. Of course I also get the speech about how I am nasty and taking his children away from him (all in front of DD so I'm mad out to be the bad one).

Wish my parents or any of my family lived closer and I would be straight around there. But that's what he wants (I've left many times before) this time I just want to move from this house straight into our new one and not "run away with his kids" as he puts it as when I've done this I've always gone back to him. Am at hospital with my DS tomorrow too to see if he needs surgery . So can't go anywhere too far as don't know what the future holds medical wise for DS. I hate FW so much, he is so selfish and tries to turn everything around on me. Is there going to ever be light at the end of this evil tunnel

He's since sent me 2 texts-"horrible btch" and ar2hole. He's not even in the house and is sending me abuse.

He's just come back home with two boxes of nappies from shop for DS. Acting as if nothing has happened. I think he is seriously mentally ill. Jackell and Hyde. So sorry for the many ranting posts ladies. Hope you are all ok. Time to get kids to bed and stay in bedroom away from him I think. If I had money I would be moved out a long time ago

no apologies necessary Maggie how horrible for you :( :( Oh its so awful. I was gonna say to get police involved as he's losing his temper and throwing things at you and the kids witnessing this is actually 'child abuse', and keep the texts!! if a stranger did any of these things they would be taken to court for anti-social behaviour/threatening behaviour/assault, etc. speak to WA, or call police and have it logged anonymously. The light will come, but it is a very evil tunnel honey and one you really need to get out of as soon as you can. Are the DC's ok? Someone said earlier that even if you leave with your childrne (especially under these circumstances) you are still entitled to regular maintenance, equal split of property, etc.

sending you some peace for tonight, and warm hugs.

Ps-ive had the breath insulting thing too amazing how similar all these FWs are

and stop reacting to his ridiculous temper and outbursts and nasty insults, just ignore, this will help the children separate him from you/them too. They will see that you just ignore his ridiculous behaviour. Think about how he looks when he's doing it rather than what he's saying. The stuff he says is to make you 'bite back', but if you don't, well he speaks to thin air and looks stupid into the bargain. We seem to be trained to 'have' to respond, but we don't of course - whatever he says!

Thx shriek xx kids are ok. DD laughing and joking with him now as if nothings happened. I'm worried she is starting to see this behaviour as normal. Probably as I have done too growing up with my EA father. Time to break the chain before she grows up and ends up in an EA relationship too like I did following my own mums footsteps.

I'm so cross. Just had a text from DSD saying how excited she is to come up and see us all tomorrow. He hasn't bloody told them. Presumably he thought I'd have come to my senses by the time he had to collect them.
Have sent him a text telling him she'd contacted me and that he had to tell them we had permanently separated. FFS! Looks like they will find out on the way up in the car then. Christ knows what I will have to deal with now as I will have their reactions to contend with. I've always had a very good relationship with them.