Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

How are you this morning, Hilde?
I think we need to say to ourselves - this IS actually who they are. :(

Just wanted to say - and I hope this does not sound too harsh - he is not going to the abusers' programme so that you can get back together. He is going to an abuser's programme because he is an abuser. That is his lookout. You are recovering from an abusive relationship - a very very slow very very painful process - you and the children are all you should be concentrating on. Do not let him stay the focus of your life.
And keep posting.
unallowed hugs

Hope you managed to sleep Ginga after his magnificent shagathon as it no doubt must have been

Sorry to hear of lack of sleep again Hilde, hope you manage to have a quiet day; my coping strategy awaiting 'reaction' would be to get busy with something else and/or sleep if you can!

yummy do come back and join in if you feel you can take the first steps, not noticed another posting from you.

Hello to all, does anyone have a CAB email address I need urgently :( I had heard someone say that they had emailed, but in my spaghettiheadedness may have made it up?

way to go!

hilde, another agreement with arthriticfingers - now that I have taken the focus off NSDH and our relationship, I feel so much calmer. But, as with everything, it's a journey and a process, you'll get to that point in your own time. Hang in there. Hope you get some sleep while DS2 is out.

Ginga - I don't think you sound aggressive, just maybe at the end of your tether.

kim - I'm guessing you didn't pull him up for reading your emails because you were afraid of the fall-out? I've been there (both emails and texts). Funny how they can turn their own atrocious lack of respect for your privacy into something bad we've done.

Anyone?

scared and can't speak properly like that, just need to write it all out. Someone Ithought had email response somewhere. Maybe wasn't on here, but appreciat eyou checking for me, I did look all over for one.

not even reading straight! I can'see' now that you did find one on the 'local'. off to do that now thanks

No I didn't pull him up on reading my emails. I know he wouldn't have listened and would just have taken that as 'evidence' that I am constantly talking about him behind his back and that I have 'chosen' my parents side over his. This is one of his main gripes. I'm so furious with myself as I'm usually so careful to keep everything inside and not let on at all to my parents about our difficulties. The first and only time I say something even mildly derogatory about him and he finds it. Up until now I was feeling that I had the moral high ground, but now I feel that I'm in the wrong, sick and guilty. I also think he'll use this against me as a reason somehow why I can't have DD. Feel like crying but am at work so can't. Dreading going home tonight.

I feel for you kim. Fw read my emails a while back & I told a friend was a mummys boy. I don't tell people In rl anything about my awful marriage, so the email wasn't that bad but he still went made at me. He also checks my mobile too,but doesn't know I know. I feel like a spy, yet I have nothing to hide or feel guilty about. The worst was when he found my Lundy Bancroft book. He sniggered and said don't try putting labels on me. Any normal person would be asha
ed to be associated with such a title, but he seemed almost proud. Take care x

Shriek Hope you are ok and safe? I couldn't ever find an e-mail address for CAB when I was looking a few weeks ago but have found Gingerbread (single parent help charity) They are really helpful. If you go to their website and go to the contact bit at the bottom left of the page it takes you to a form that you can fill out your query on and submit it. They should respond pretty quickly hopefully. I have spoke to them a few times, they cover everything from benefits, child access probs/maintanence, housing etc etc and for the issues she couldn't advise me on she had contact details straight to hand to give me. Is there anything we can help you with here if you are in a difficult situation? Take care.

So ladies....my final grounds for divorce...

1. The parties lived together for 14 years prior to their marriage. It appeared to the Petitioner that following marriage the Respondents attitude towards her changed. In particular he

1.1 Was reluctant to spend time together as a couple and seemed to be seeking companionship/intimacy elsewhere. The Petitioner found this extremely upsetting.

1.2 Made statements, later retracted, that led the Petitioner to feel very insecure. For example, the Respondent said several times that he wished to end the relationship.

1.3 Stopped giving the Petitioner any emotional support, and often referred to her in ways that she felt were derogatory.

What do you reckon? I've kept it brief and tried to maintain my dignity and his pride (by not mentioning OW or NSA websites etc!)

He received them last week but hasn't commented after months of demanding to know what they were going to be

In other news........sorry everyone for lack of support from me recently, hope you are all doing ok. My FW has been around lately so haven't been able to get on here as much. On one hand he is doing stuff like housework and took DD out today (after I had to ask him) but on the other hand I am getting nasty sh1t thrown at me still. He has basically told me he will control me until I walk out of the door as he can and I can't stop him and hes only with me as he feels sorry for me. And if I want him to give me any money I have to earn it. As im a sponger and thief and can't get his money for nothing. By this he means bedroom action He makes me feel sick and I never want to touch him EVER again. He also says stuff to DD like look at all this housework daddy has to do and saying really nasty crude stuff quietly to me to make me shout and then DD says stop shouting at daddy etc. Hes playing the game and winning so when it comes to it, it will be nasty mummy will be taking the kids away from lovely daddy hate him.

I also have to do my DDs school admissions by January and not sure I will have found anywhere to live by then so trying to get him to agree to a school closer to his mums house rather than the one near our current house. At least then I won't have to go near his house twice a day when next september comes.

If only I had some money I would be long gone by now....at the moment I can't see the wood for the trees

PS Bertie That all sounds really good! Well done and congrats for getting to this stage!

well done bertie

Maggie: There are people on here who have walked out with nothing but the clothes and possessions they could hold in their/their DC hands. Refuge will take you in and whatever he says if you leave for domestic abuse he won't be able to do a thing about it, will have to contribute financially and govt. will help you in the interim.

not for me to say do it, but sometimes it is the only way to escape. PS your DD will understand one day (and may do even now though she is young)

School admissions can be altered, if she gets a place in one but then you move you may have to wait a term but it is highly likely that you will be able to apply to enter somewhere else and the children cope remarkably well.

Ah maggie loads of sympathy. That is absolutely awful, those things he said. Earning indeed, the fw The net he has thrown over you is purely in his mind and as Fool says, you have the right to walk out any time (I'm a fine one to say it but not do it, ahem) and be supported.

Well done, Bertie, you are an inspiration!

shriek hope you are ok? (ish)?

Hi Maggie so appreciated your concern, especially as you are going through it so bad yourself right now. Same worry over children :( take care.

I'm, well, stuck. I did manage to get an email to CAB did feel good to pour out the details that I can't speak it seems. made contact with GB recently too, thank you so much for thinking of me. I really hope you can find a way out soon, or a way of staying away (emotionally) from the lies and nastiness from him.

I don't have much in the way of energy for more right now. sorry not more +ve

BTW - its an on-screen contact form, a copy of your notes get sent in email form to your own email I think as well as to them (from your local branch web for any needing to know)