Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi girls, just wanted to pop on quickly to say thanks so much for support last night, this thread is my lifeline. Am feeling stronger and still determined today. Hugs to all fellow sufferers, sorry have not been very two way recently, have been ground down and feeling poorly again. I am taking strength from idea of overwhelmingly better after I've left - wish I could make him leave, but he's too scary. He smacked dd yesterday during his tirade. I am so determined, we will escape and VERY soon. Hugs xx

trying, it's just so awful that you're scared, I was you and I can still feel it when you describe your experiences. Is there no possibility at all that you could get a solicitor to arrange a removal order or something similar? Hope today is better for you, keep your head down and keep planning. Stay safe, and stay strong. xx

Is he being nice? Yes.
Is he making things easier for you? No.
Is he making the decision to not make this all about him and what he wants (but isn't getting) and how sad it is for him to not see his kids? No.
Is he still taking every opportunity to make little subtle EA digs? Yes.

hilde, I think you're angry because you are more tuned to whether he's changing or not, and are listening to that little voice, as Lundy says we should. He's still got a long way to go if he thinks being nice on the surface is all it takes. It takes a complete sea-change. Once he's changed, he wont feel the need to make little comments like that, or push you on issues that you've already discussed. So, in summary - on the surface he's changed, but underneath he hasn't. MY NSDH is exactly the same, making comments this week like 'I hope you're happy now you're keeping my son from me'. He apologised immediately, but just can't seem to help himself. Until they can help themselves (and until their first instinct is no longer about themselves and poor them), then there's no real change.

And try not to dwell too much on today's church-going. As you said yourself, you couldn't concentrate, which is probably why you didn't really take anything from it. You've been through a lot this weekend with the kids being away, and you've got through it. But no wonder you couldn't concentrate. Next week will be different. You'll be different next week because your head will be in a different place. Deep breaths!!!

hilde you have used this time without the older DC well, you needed to cry and not be keeping it all together for them. It's all processing and healing -even listening to Sunday Morning Love Songs :) :)

pony you're spot on

hilde same here with venting (((hug)))

I'm in a real mess today, I feel completely bereft. Feel like I want to phone FW and just make everything ok, I am the bad one after all. He's in another time zone until next Saturday and I don't think he's talking to me. We had a massive blow out before he went, I told him that I can't carry on in the marriage. I think he might want the same thing.

Was at my mums this weekend, my wedding picture is there, photos of a Christmas when dd1 was a baby. I looked at the Pics and remember that FW hated me then, I remember it, he wasn't talking to me, he hated me. I haven't been good enough for him for the majority of our time together.

Why do I feel like he's my rock?

Hope everyone ok :(

I just looked at a pic today and had exactly same flashback fraggle, but in the pic everyone smiling and 'happy' :( :( :( and really very good pic actually, but I didn't feel wanted there and didn't want to be there, and bore it all with smiles (and tears).

it was a weird mix of being in the relationship, walking on eggshells, and being fearful, and yet scared of how it would be alone. If its any help, after the first few months of jumping at shadows life became so much happier and relaxed and I felt safe in my own home. TBH the relaxed and happier started straight away but took time to stop the jumping at shadows and thinking the door would just open and in he'd come with his black mood. I painted and DIY'd to within an inch of my life and finally felt at home in my own house.

Today it feels like a long road, but it depends on how far along it you are before going into and coming out of your own relationship. a phone call is all it takes, or the sight of an email. and i'm back there. take care xx

fraggle, it's inevitable that you'll feel like this sometimes. Try and hold onto the thought that tomorrow you'll probably feel differently, and be able to have a different perspective. I don't know why it's so hard to leave them when they are so awful to us - I'm still struggling to fully call time on my abusive marriage, still clinging on to it, onto him, still having 'feelings' for him and letting myself get carried away by them. I'm trying to stay strong, stay detached, it's not always easy. Just try and get through this evening and tomorrow, as they say, is another day.

Shriek, I know what you mean. I look at my wedding pictures, and I see someone I don't recognise. I recall how I felt on the day, how I'd spent the evening before crying hysterically on the bedroom floor as soon-to-be NSDH verbally abused me, accused me of accusing him of assaulting me through pushing (I hadn't, but if only I knew that he'd come to do it for real), and generally making me miserable. I went through the motions of getting ready on the morning of my wedding, hair, make-up, photos, numb, not knowing what I was doing, feeling like I was in a dream, or someone else's life. Although I'm smiling in the pics, and although when I arrived at the venue NSDH was lovely towards me and made me feel special, when I look in my eyes I see the night before. And I just don't recognise myself. We've never ordered a single photo from our wedding album because I could hardly bear to look through them and just kept putting it off.

hilde, hope your DCs are all home safe and you're feeling better. My DS1 is back, and although he's completely changed in a week (lost another front tooth and had a really short haircut and looks about 10 years older!), having him means the flat just feels... right again. But I got through it, that's what matters. And so did you.

I'm off for a and an early night tonight. I am, honest.

I'm afraid I've had a weekend of tears....

Tonight FW was really lovely with DS (and I told him so). Then as I was putting DS to bed it suddenly hit me... FW has managed to turn things around with DS.

Back in January he was saying how he'd never wanted a family and he hated doing 'kids stuff'. I knew this as FW had made it very obvious that he didn't want to spend any time with DS or with us as a family. DS didn't like daddy then (he used to tell me )

A few months ago when I knew FW was mot changing I told him he'd better get his act together for DSs sake, if not mine....or DS wouldn't want to be around him at all. I told him what DS had been saying.

And he's done it. Apart from a few wobbles DS is happy to spend some time with him now. He prefers to be with me, but he actually likes daddy now. I hear him tell his daddy that he loves him.

Yet I just felt absolutely devastated. It suddenly hit me that FW was prepared to put all that effort in to his relationship with DS...but not in to his relationship with me.

I guess I should be grateful that it looks like DS is going have regular contact with his father...you hear so many stories of men not bothering with their DCs...

I must stop feeling sorry for myself and concentrate on making this as positive as possible for DS...

Funk me it's hard going at the moment though!

My DH has been nice this weekend. I'm sure it's cos he can feel his hold on me weakening and is messing with my head. But it does mess doesn't it. Makes you start to think maybe he'll change - but I know deep down he won't :(

Bertie/Hilde - think you are both so strong. You're bound to have some wobbly moments.

gutted for you Bertie :( Try to take pleasure in your DS being settled with his dad for once in his life, and hopefully to come. Its not possible to know how long it might last though. Its a very different thing have some quality time as opposed to trying to do the parenting 24/7 like you do. I feel unconvinced that this is it, as in, he's turned it around and thats how it will stay. hmm.. I've watched a lot of this, but here we are DC being raged at again, more unreasonable and frankly crazy behaviour, and I can remember having those moments the same as you, that everything's rosy in their garden - it ain't! and I wish it was. Actually nothing's really changed, but its less intense generally is all.

Off to bed now too, really! I really am. so tired from all the stress of it. not going to get side-tracked just straight up the stairs.

good night all, peaceful sleeps

Just reading through and catching up with you all. It is so emotionally exhausting trying to keep up with an EA partner, and I recall being angry and miserable as a permanent state of existence.
Now here I am two years later, happy and relaxed, and I actually haven't been angry for over a year!!! It was all caused by the lack of consideration and the button pushing of my FW.
It's not you it's them!

Hi guys,

I hear you Bertie. Dh can't do enough for kids some days but I'm at the bottom of the pile most of the time.
His mum dropped ds1 back tonight and every time she does he makes himself busy with housework. She called him a saint! I've spent whole weekend looking after my darling boys and keeping house in order but if someone is visiting I generally stop and have a chat not try to show him up.
It doesn't matter.his mother told me house keeping is not where my skills lie! Charming.
Had an ok day but ds1 under the weather do had to cancel plans. Ds2 teething. Mum was here. I said why don't I divorce dh and you kick my sponging brother out and we can live together!
I tried to be straight nice today which threw him I think.
It's the little things that grate. Like when he snatched phone off me to take pic as I wasn't doing it right. Or made a big deal of me going out for one hour whn he's out often and for much longer.
Anyhow I am practising detachment as I'm worried about ds 1 . He has started pushing dh away and I have to,d him he does this because dh is too brusque with him but is,so think he's picking upon my feelings doi need not to act hurt in front of him.
I also well up if. Here that song,I like u just the way you are. If only!

Very Clear Hilde and spot on. No 'critique' here.

Ginga sorry to say that I think it would be expected response from his mother. Its pretty usual, to see the amazingnesss of a male that can hoover whilst overlooking the female that does it all the time! Simple tasks like cups lifted after a round a tea are enough to bring comments of approval which don't get voiced when a female does it (its usual), but if the woman don't do it... oh dear!!! shame on you! What a strange female he has hitched himself to, one who doesn't immediately jump to the cups or actually enjoy the banality of housework! Its all wrong!

and its a good job I don't know the song you speak of, as I'm sure I'd be welling up too! Although 'skyfall' seems quite appropriate since I got involved with this awful male :(