Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 12

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Just discovered that FW has been advised by his solicitor NOT to move out until finances, house and access have been sorted.

He has agreed to go to mediation and we both have our initial individual appointments next week. I hope we can agree in mediation...the offers I've made are extremely reasonable....surely the mediator will be able to make him see that...Is that how it works? Ive never done mediation before. Anybody got any idea how long the mediation process might take all together?

I feel sick all of a sudden. Why did I give in back in march when he was getting ready to leave? I'm such an idiot...why did I think he might change

I'm desperate to talk to someone in RL but all my family and friends are either away on holiday or away with work or busy today. I'll be seeing a friend tomorrow morning but that seems such a long time away.

These ups and downs are really getting to me...

just want to say hi, was directed to this thread and shall be studying it carefully as have just had the courage to label my -now ex- as abusive..and ddoes anyone on here go to codependants anon , usually free group, very helpful with reestablishing healthier patterns, i would go if there was one locally!

Have you looked at the freedom project - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/, yummy"

My cushion buying strategy: go into B&Q for a desk lamp, be attracted to a display of Jubilee Year cushions at reduced price, one lot red buses, also crowns, and cups-of-tea-and-teapot with Union Jack on. Think to self: I fancy one of these. Decide on bus. But buses come in 3's. Buy 3 buses and the tea themed one. And a desk lamp, bulb and extension lead.

FW would have looked at me as if I were mad for making these purchases.

Some of you seem to be having better weekends than recently, others not so much. Sending strength, here in the place where he has fucked off to the far side of fuck...

The place where all FWs should - and will reside!

Evening, all! I've had a lovely lovely day today - either NSDH had a personality transplant in hospital unlikely there are still dodgy signs or he's trying super-hard as a result of lodger's comments. Including a text telling me I'm beautiful. Er, does he think I have no memory? All those comments about how I really need make-up when I'm in public or with him, and how I'm really not that attractive, big nose, small breasts, long body, short legs... Funny text. Hey, he's trying - what more can I ask?

Anyway, he decided the lovely walk might be a bit much straight after hospital, so he took ds and dd3 off shopping while I went for the walk with dd1 and dd2! It was lovely to be able to enjoy the time without feeling I was dragging the younger ones too far. Scenery was beautiful, girls were good company - food for the soul, I can tell you!

Hey everyone.

bertie, that sucks. I can understand you feeling so frustrated with him. Is there any scope at all for you getting away for a bit, staying with family for a week or so, maybe doing it week-on week-off just for your sanity's sake and to give you a break from him.

hilde, glad you've got through today. I nodded a bit with your 'new appliances' gem. What is it with them and their fantasy land? The day before the 'refusing to give back DS2' incident, NSDH was talking to me (in front of DSD1) about having more children, and talking about how we maybe shouldn't, as he was so concerned about how I'd cope physically (after awful SPD in both pregnancies). I was just a bit and that we were having a discussion like that when hours before I hadn't even been sure I'd come that weekend because he was being such an arse!!!!

Also, I am completely with you on the diy vs cushions. I could happily put together a load of Ikea furniture singlehandedly (also not been allowed recently, because NSDH is In Charge of all drills, wot with being a techie teacher and all). But put me in front of a colour swatch and I collapse in a blubbery heap. (ps go hilde!!!! love your 'key leads to restraining order' idea! Silver, I also love your cushion-purchase strategy, that made me laugh!)

And glad you've had a good day Charlotte. Take him with a pinch of salt - enjoy the compliments, they may not last!!!!

Ah, missed the cushion-purchase strategy on my first read-through! Love the sound of those cushions, Silver - enjoy them with the newly angled telly! Can't think they'd be allowed in our beige-on-beige sitting room!

NSDH is taking a surprisingly long time to pick up lodger from the station. Suspect he's gone for a drink without mentioning it to me as passive-aggressive response to my lack of concern when he was so upset I'd arrived late at hospital without letting him know... Wondering about my response when he gets home. Is it worth accusing him of passive aggression, do you think? If I don't, am I just sweeping something else under the (already bulging) carpet?

Evening ladies.glad some of you are doing ok this weekend & hugs to those who are not having such a good time of it at the moment. Wanted to just vent really. I felt so strong and positive at the start of the week. Fw has gone to visit family overseas for just over a week. Was vile to me before he left and I breathes a sigh of relief when he went. He rang me the first couple of days (still playing the martyr & declaring how I neglect him) think this was so his parents could hear him on the phone & because they couldn't hear my side of it they would pity him. He was swearing so much I told him he should think about how rude he is and not to ring if he was going to be awful. He hasn't rung in 5 days & while part of me is relieved, part of me is angry that he is still able to make me doubt myself. I know he is waiting for me to call and apologise but I really know I have done nothing wrong, so how does he always make me think 'is it me? I am new to all this standing up for myself and am rather scared of it all if I am honest. Sorry for my prattling on. Thanks for Reading x

Hey gottachange - vent away!

My first thought on reading your post was that if he hasn't rung in 5 days, then 5 days later he's still feeling like he's going to be awful to you!
But I know it's always a double-edged sword - between not wanting them to be awful to you but wanting to hear from them, between knowing that this is his fault and wondering if it's your fault.

Don't beat yourself up. It's early days, you're finding your feet, and above all you still have to deal with him. Do what you have to. Stand up to him if you feel you can. Gather your strength.

Hi all, just tried to post and it got zapped somehow. So shortened version. It's been hell recently and fw was very verbally abusive and intimidating to dd today - screaming in her face, just disgusting loss of temper and behaviour of a spoilt toddler in a grown man's body - dangerous combination. I can't type properly as nails torn from anxiety. I MUST leave soon. Am viewing another place on Monday. He makes me feel ill. Sorry can't rustle up an on line smile tonight, am so desperate. Sympathy and hugs to all other fellow sufferers. xx

Tonight I feel like I should be called tryingbutshotdown - sorry for self pity fest.....

You're not self-pitying trying, you're ground down. That sounds awful, poor DD, I know how awful you must feel that she experienced it. I can remember still so vividly what every single Saturday night was like, just awful, for all of us in the house. You're right, you MUST leave soon. Keep making plans. You can do this.

Is there anywhere else you can decamp to for a few weeks before sorting out a rental place? Could you speak to the police/solicitor and see if you could get him removed?

Sending hugs.

Thank you pony xx have thought about WA... or short term let maybe while solicitor gets him out.

Use everything at your disposal trying - WA, solicitors, police, friends, strangers. It seems so overwhelming now (and will still seem that way after you've left, for a while) but you know it has to be done sooner or later. But do whatever you have to in order to keep your own sanity, that's important, whether it's stay for a few more days or just leave first thing in the morning. Do what's right for you, not him. xxxx

here here Pony - no pasting on of smiles required here trying come here to let off your angsts (instead of your poor nails ;) you're amongst friends and support you're not to make us happy, or be good! Just tell it like it is and we'll try to help.

Hugs to you, so hoping that this place will be at least ticking the basic boxes for you. There will be something and the more you look the quicker you'll find. Keep the strength. We're all rooting for you.

I think really good idea of Pony to get him out after his last 'abuse' of DD. I was told that even him doing to you is abusive to the kids.

Hey gotta, not alone with 'the fear'. Same here'fraid. Think should change my name to it! Living it, and phone calls are certrainly enough to induce it, feels ridiculous but its a result of many years of always culminating in something fearworthy! TBH not much left of body and soul after many years of the grinding down and shouting and raging, put downs, etc.

Come on in Yummy you're very welcome and its good to hear that you've taken that step to acknowlege it for what it is; really surprisingly hard to do. I didn't know about CAnon, thanks for tip.

Hilde you just sound like a different lady altogether, and enjoyed your diy antics!

Gutting Bertie, I'd feel sick too I reckon. I think you could speak to WA 24/7 if you needed to talk in RL, on the 0808 number. I don't know abou mediation, but perhaps someone will comeon that does? Feel for you :( hugs.

take care all, peaceful nights all round x

Hi everyone xx has been weekend from hell here too I'm afraid. Sorry to drag the tone down x

Things have been awful all week but I had been working on the whole detach thing until last night when I burst a gasket at him. He is suppose to finish work at 10pm-he works 10mins from home. He got in at 230am.I checked outside around 11pm ish and his car was parked down the street so he had basically walked past our house to wherever. When he got in I quizzed him (was up with DS teething) he said he was watching a film at a mates house. Alrighty then. He then ushered me off to bed and said he would sleep on the sofa. I again burst another gasket and asked him if he would be turning on babestation-he told me what would it matter as we are not getting on. I went on to call him all the names under the sun and nearly very nearly shouted out what I found on his phone (am saving that for my solicitor) I am so mad at myself and wish I just ignored everything. Tonight again due to finish at 10pm-got in at half past midnight. No call, text etc to say he would be late. We have his families babies christening early tomorrow which we have to go to and I haven't even been able to get clothes etc for me and kids ready as DS teething and been with him all night. This is what my life has come to-sitting in waiting for the key in the door for him to come in tanked up. When he does get in its like he's done nothing wrong. I don't get it.

Tomorrow morn will be awful I know it-he will be like a bear with a sore head (literally) shouting at how unorganised I am as nothings ready and we always are rushing/late due to my rubbish mothering skills. I feel so tired, physically sick looking at him and run down. And to top it all I missed strictly and xfactor and didn't even get to sky+ it thank you my DS! Will let him off! Love to you all. Hugs x

Ps-i love cushion shopping-one of my FWs main hates-we have far too many cushions-on beds too! It gets him going all the time. Well he can soon get rid of them all-into my removal van!

Hi guys,

Thank you hildebrand, pussycat and shriek for feedback.
I now have some hope re DIY as no good at that stuff at all but I did put a cradle together as he was being slow gettin round to it.
Ivebeen reading Beverly engel and I left it open in the I
Ad knowing he would see it. Last night I was v I'll, by chest, co sleeping so not great night, I woke baby up!
Anyhow this morning he sees book and says what's this? And I say when you are distant, or undermine me etc, he says to ds1 we mustn't underline mommy ha ha.
Then today I made effort to go with him to see sil at mil house. I had been visiting with baby and he accuses me of exposing baby to perfume as let friend hold him. His sister and mom wear it too how ridiculous!
I told his mother how things have been, she just said she thinks he is the same and that he says he's fine s he must be. She is very British stiff upper lip about emotions.
My mum here tonight which is great but I saw my younger brother too . Havin been punished for not telling dh about previous family visit I decided to come clean about this one. What do I get but silent treatment. Damned if I do...
Then at ten I called him at work and said I needed to know what we are going to do. You are meant to be the most intimate person in m life but you feel like a stranger. We had dinner last night you didn't look at me, you show me no affection, you don't make me feel loved, I feel like half a person. He ,af stupid remark that I have brothers why doi nee him.
I said either you change or we go to relate or we take a break because I am toyou happy and I don't want kids affected by this.
He said talk tomorrow but was very shut off then sent text saying sorry I was upset.
I know I can't stay like this. I know I have some ad behaviours too so I keep saying we need to be different which I hope helps.
I found myself fantasising about having an affair I'm so lonely.
At least I have said m piece. I do love him but I can't continue like this. I know I deserve love and respect and I wan my kids to see their mom treated kindly.

So sorry for crap spelling, it's the iPad predictive text it's rubbish but too tired to go back and correct girls hope u understand some of it!

Maggie and Ginga - am to think of you both so unhappy. But am also seeing a wee ray of sunshine - both of you are planning your moves. Maggie, don't beat yourself up too much about losing your rag, it happens (and tbh it's amazing it doesn't happen more often, giving how we are pushed). But you're right, whatever you do don't give away the things that will give you some power and control when you do leave, like what you've found on his phone. That's your secret weapon. When are you seeing your solicitor?

hilde - I remember wise fool saying to me after I first left, that I should give it a minimum amount of time to be apart from him. And then I would actually realise that it doesn't matter how much he changes, life without him is just better. You still have the right to say - you've done all I asked you but it's still not enough to take away all the years of abuse, so I don't think I can get back into a relationship with you.
It's hard in the early days, missing the kids so much. Try and plan lots of nice things to do while they're away, things you wouldn't normally be able to do. It's not really about having fun, it's about getting through it in the best way possible. Our half-term is just coming to an end, and DS1 is coming home today - he's been at his Dad's since last Saturday. I'm kinda used to his long absences now, we've been split up for 5 years, but I still miss my wee guy and will be glad to get him home!! And DS2 will be over the moon to see him.

Ana, was thinking about you two this morning, how did your interview go?

you too, obviously. I'm not seeing double!!!!